The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Adorable Kitten Considers Prez Run

    Will kitty run? Run, kitty, run! See Kitty run!
    An incredibly cute kitten in Canfield, Ohio is reportedly considering a run for the Oval Office.

    Mr. Tuggles, an adorable mixed breed feline, is said to be contemplating declaring his candidacy in the 2012 presidential election race. Although the kitten is not close to 35 years old, a Constitutional requirement for serving as a U.S. President, his handlers say that he has the maturity and wisdom of a 55-year old human. “Plus, I know for a fact that Mr. Tuggles was born in this country because I saw it with my own two eyes– why, it happened right there, under the sink,” said Roger Bimplow who resides in the house with the cuddly furrball of love.

    Jerry Ossenwold, an advisor close to Mr. Tuggles, says that he believes the kitten will be a very strong presidential contender. “No one can match him for adorableness and fluffability, and I believe those are the things all Americans are looking for in today’s bleak economy. Mr. Tuggles also does not believe in science, mathematics, art, history or biology. In fact, he told me that he thinks too much book learning and self expression is destroying the world. I agree!”

    Ossenwold would not disclose which political party Mr. Tuggles is associated with, but said that he has already been approached by many corporate lobbyists bearing catnip and saucers of milk to curry the cute kitten’s political favor.

    “Should he run, I believe Mr. Tuggles will be hard to beat. He’s just so darn lovable, he’ll win paws down!” said the chubby political adviser as he rolled on the lawn and asked for his belly to be rubbed vigorously.

  • al-Qaeda Leader al-Zawahiri Updating Resume

    He's so desperate, he's joined Facebook and LinkedIn
    Following the assassination of Osama bin Laden in his Pakistan porn crib on May 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri became the acting leader of the no-goodnik al-Qaeda organization.

    al-Zawahiri, long recognized as a dastardly mastermind but lacking in the charisma department, is reportedly fed up with leading the organization after almost four months.

    “He’s had it,” said an insider close to al-Qaeda operations. “There’s too many meetings, too many PowerPoint presentations, too many forms to fill out and expense reports to sign. He’s toast, so he’s updating his resume and starting to network like crazy. He’s even joined Facebook and LinkedIn– he’s that serious.”

    Reportedly the 60-year old leader is also fed up with not getting any respect within the organization. “He always lived in Osama’s shadow,” said a confidant, “and that hurt al-Zawahiri’s ego. He thought that when he took over he’d get some respect, but it hasn’t happened–– dude’s the Rodney Dangerfield of terrorists.”

    Apparently al-Zawahiri is also concerned about the recent drone-induced death of the #2 al Queda official, Atiyah Abdul Rahman.

    “They’re dropping like flies,” said the unnamed source, “and al-Zawahiri wants to get out while he can. Rumor has it he’ll even shave his face fur for the right opportunity.”

  • Lobbyist Says Buffet Should Be Deported

    Buffet needs to cut out the loudmouth soup!
    Billionaire Warren Buffet, who testified last week that he and other super rich not be “coddled” by lenient tax laws, has been accused of being a socialist agitator who should be deported immediately.

    “We can’t have troublemakers like Buffet running around serving bowls of loudmouth soup,” said Paul Guggins, a lobbyist for another billionaire’s company. “He’s an agitator and must be dealt with extreme prejudice for his socialist kowtowing. Buffet needs to act his wealth!”

    Buffet admitted last week that he only pays a 17% tax rate on his income, the lowest tax rate of anyone who works in his office. He encouraged the government to close tax loopholes and begin asking the rich to pay their fair share. His public conversation has angered many Americans, including Clive R. Hunsickle, an associate manager of a Taco Bell in Jacksonville, Florida.

    “Buffet is dead wrong about taxing the rich. We need to give the rich lots more tax breaks so that they’ll create more jobs and the economy will get all trickled down so that it can grow like a tomato plant in July. We need to eliminate all government spending and give tax breaks to the job creators if we’re ever going to get out of this mess Obama put us in,” Hunsickle said as he opened poly bags of seasoned Taco Bell meat for the lunch rush hour. “If the rich want to be taxed more, I won’t stand for it. The whole thing sounds as un-American as a burning flag at an ACLU meeting.”

    Soon after he spoke, Mr. Hunsickle was informed he’d lost his job due to downsizing. He was angered. “It’s all Buffet’s fault,” the ex-associate manager said, “if he’d just take his tax breaks and create more jobs instead of asking for more taxes, we’d get somewhere! I need to use my noggin to invent some big moneymaker like Buffet did with his buffet line. Then when I got rich, I would take my tax breaks like a true American!”

    Buffet could not be reached for comment on the subject of tax breaks or buffet lines. Rumors circulate that the outspoken billionaire is off the grid.

  • Plan Unveiled To Bolster U.S. Economy

    We're rich, I tellas ya, RICH!!! Spend up, live it up!
    A leading economic advisor, Dr. Geoffrey K. Rumdeedumdeedum, has proposed a bold plan he says will goose the economic doldrums the United States economy has been experiencing.

    “We need to finally recognize Monopoly money as legal tender,” says the man who describes himself as a distinguished economist from his home behind a dumpster in an alley outside a Papa John’s Pizza in Lexington, Kentucky.

    “People are afraid to spend because they don’t know what the economy is going to do. Well, let’s give them the power to enjoy spending again. You shouldn’t have to pass ‘GO’ to enjoy yourself. We have the means– just about every household has a Monopoly game– let’s use it! I think it’s a crackerjack idea and crackerjacks usually have a prize inside which is like getting a Bazooka Joe comic inside a chunk of Bazooka gum and by gum I think something or other is just what we need to do so let’s do it. Now, where was I?”

    Government officials have declined comment on the proposal, but irate tea party members say that if it is enacted, they refuse to pay any luxury tax, period.

  • Lawmakers Take Vacation From Nation Ruination

    Lawmakers take a break from their torture of America.
    Congressional personnel are exiting Washington quickly to enjoy their long summer vacations. “We’re exhausted,” said one Congressman. “Doing nothing good is awfully tiring work.”

    While no politician wanted to be quoted on record, all who spoke with The Lint Screen admitted that they were tuckered-out from grandstanding and being sycophantic servants to their lobbyist overlords and billionaire puppet masters. “I’ve had so many rich meals, my last cholesterol test said I was the equivalent to Béarnaise sauce,” said one distraught senator.

    Many of the tea party stooges admitted they were tired from trying to drive the economy into the ground. “Playing chicken little and screaming ‘the sky is falling!’ is really harder than it looks,” said one exhausted freshman congressman. “Being a drama queen is tougher duty than I thought it’d be, yes siree, Bob!”

    While The Lint Screen research department was unable to identify exactly who this “Bob” person is, we can say with certainty that with the lawmakers away, the United states of America is safe for the time being.

  • Citizens to be Issued Disguises

    The new face of America will be hard to recognize.
    The political grandstanding in Washington has resulted in a game of chicken with neither side blinking and our foreign creditors looming outside our door twirling their handlebar mustaches and laughing evilly. But citizens, do not think Washington is broken!

    In a bold and decisive move, both the House and Senate have unanimously approved a bill that would purchase an ingenious disguise for every American to wear after we miss our debt payments and have to go into what economists call “severe deadbeat status.”

    “It’s a plan that everyone on the Hill likes because we don’t have to raise taxes, close tax loopholes, cut any spending or do anything that will cost us political capital,” said an anonymous House Representative. “When our creditors come looking for us to get their money, every American can simply shrug and say we don’t know where all the Americans went– we’re new in this country. It’s foolproof really. The only fly in the Vaseline is how we’re going to raise the money needed for 311,884,965 fake glasses and mustaches. Fortunately, we’ve been able to secure a special government discount on these for only $42.35 each from a subsidiary of Halliburton. We’ll find the money, I’m sure!”