In response to Jerry Ossenwold, Mr. Tuggles’s campaign manager who recently challenged the puppy to “bring it,” Santy Paws’s campaign manager Sam Merchant says, “Oh, he’ll bring it, bring it but good! Santy will bring it so hard that that kitten won’t know what hit him. We’ll show those wisenheimers, we mean business. They looking for a fight? Well Santy Paws and me have just one thing to say, here, kitty, kitty. Here kitty, kitty–– Santy Paws has a nice present for you!”
With that, Sam Merchant begin twirling two brass balls in the palm of his right hand as his left hand crunched a walnut. The campaign manager then ate the walnut, shell and all, and laughed maniacally.
“The pup’s cute, I’ll give him that, but he’s weak on national security and job creation. Mr. Tuggles is concerned about getting Americans back to work. He’s hard at work on creating an employment program that works! Santy Paws seems more concerned with chasing his tail. I think my candidate’s going to neuter him, but good. Bring it, Santy Paws!”
Ossenwold said that he was disappointed his candidate was not invited to participate in the recent G.O.P. televised debate. “I think Mitt, Rick, Newt and all those tired human candidates are scaredy cats about facing this kitten. He’s such a little bundle of adorable cuteness, they can’t possibly be appealing than Mr. Tuggles. Wait until his meow roars. America is ready for some real change, and it’s not some pup peeing on newspapers, it’s a kitten who knows how to take care of business!”
Who could possibly hate the U.S. with this leader? Mr. Tuggles, the cuddly kitten from Canfield, Ohio, running for president has some serious cuteness competition! An absolutely adorable puppy named Santy Paws is coming to town and tossing his red Santa cap into the ring for the 2012 presidential election.
Many supporters believe the irresistibly cute puppy from Winter Park, Florida, is a lock for the leader of the free world role. Sam Merchant, campaign manager, believes Santa Paws has the charisma to beat the cute kitten named Mr. Tuggles and what he calls “the field of flesh puppets running for the presidency.”
“Look, there’s lots more dog people than cat people out there, and Santy Paws has everything the American public is looking for,” said the 48-year old puppy handler. “For your lefty types, Santy Paws has the gift of entitlements. For the righties, he has the gift of tax cuts and no gun control whatsoever. And for corporate types and lobbyists, this dog will hunt if the price is right. Santy Paws will not be refused by any American looking to get gifts. Why, he’s America’s dream candidate, the one we’ve been waiting for that we didn’t even dream we could have. He will give America Ho Ho Hope!”
There have been no comments made from any of the other presidential candidate campaign camps. Interesting, that.
“The people have spoken,” said campaign manager Jerry Ossenwold, “and they have spoken for cuteness over ugly politics as usual. Obama promised change, but he’s proven to be more of the same. He’s just another human doing human-y things. Mr Tuggles truly is change we can believe in and cuddle with. He’s the hope we have hoped for! Change that will change everything, with change to spare and spare change for all!”
While many speculated that the cute little kitty would run as an independent, Ossenwold announced Mr. Tuggles would join the crowded field of G.O.P. hopefuls. Already, the sweet little whiskers fella is drawing fire from his competitors.
“I hope Tuggles has nine lives,” said an unnamed tea party supporter, “because Rick Perry shoots feral varmints for sport, and Michele Bachmann has been bragging about having a killer recipe for salted kittens in a cake.”
Will kitty run? Run, kitty, run! See Kitty run! An incredibly cute kitten in Canfield, Ohio is reportedly considering a run for the Oval Office.
Mr. Tuggles, an adorable mixed breed feline, is said to be contemplating declaring his candidacy in the 2012 presidential election race. Although the kitten is not close to 35 years old, a Constitutional requirement for serving as a U.S. President, his handlers say that he has the maturity and wisdom of a 55-year old human. “Plus, I know for a fact that Mr. Tuggles was born in this country because I saw it with my own two eyes– why, it happened right there, under the sink,” said Roger Bimplow who resides in the house with the cuddly furrball of love.
Jerry Ossenwold, an advisor close to Mr. Tuggles, says that he believes the kitten will be a very strong presidential contender. “No one can match him for adorableness and fluffability, and I believe those are the things all Americans are looking for in today’s bleak economy. Mr. Tuggles also does not believe in science, mathematics, art, history or biology. In fact, he told me that he thinks too much book learning and self expression is destroying the world. I agree!”
Ossenwold would not disclose which political party Mr. Tuggles is associated with, but said that he has already been approached by many corporate lobbyists bearing catnip and saucers of milk to curry the cute kitten’s political favor.
“Should he run, I believe Mr. Tuggles will be hard to beat. He’s just so darn lovable, he’ll win paws down!” said the chubby political adviser as he rolled on the lawn and asked for his belly to be rubbed vigorously.
He's so desperate, he's joined Facebook and LinkedInFollowing the assassination of Osama bin Laden in his Pakistan porn crib on May 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri became the acting leader of the no-goodnik al-Qaeda organization.
al-Zawahiri, long recognized as a dastardly mastermind but lacking in the charisma department, is reportedly fed up with leading the organization after almost four months.
“He’s had it,” said an insider close to al-Qaeda operations. “There’s too many meetings, too many PowerPoint presentations, too many forms to fill out and expense reports to sign. He’s toast, so he’s updating his resume and starting to network like crazy. He’s even joined Facebook and LinkedIn– he’s that serious.”
Reportedly the 60-year old leader is also fed up with not getting any respect within the organization. “He always lived in Osama’s shadow,” said a confidant, “and that hurt al-Zawahiri’s ego. He thought that when he took over he’d get some respect, but it hasn’t happened–– dude’s the Rodney Dangerfield of terrorists.”
Apparently al-Zawahiri is also concerned about the recent drone-induced death of the #2 al Queda official, Atiyah Abdul Rahman.
“They’re dropping like flies,” said the unnamed source, “and al-Zawahiri wants to get out while he can. Rumor has it he’ll even shave his face fur for the right opportunity.”
