The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Paws Claims Tuggles May Be A Killer

    Is Mr. Tuggles a cold-blooded killer? Suspicions are raised.
    As the heat of campaigning turns up, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for popular pup prez candidate, Santy Paws, today speculated that a dead bird discovered in a Canfield, Ohio yard may have been the handiwork of competing presidential candidate, cute kitty Mr. Tuggles, a Canfield resident.

    “Look, lots of birds get done in by these cats with their anger issues,” said a visibly upset Sam Merchant. “I ain’t saying that Tuggles did gave this poor little birdie his angel wings, but then again I ain’t saying he didn’t or couldn’t. Fact is, even cute kittens have sharp teeth and quick razor claws that can kill. I think that the American public needs to remember that our great nation has never elected a cold-blooded killer into the oval office, and I for one couldn’t catch many winks at night knowing that I voted for a vicious murdering cat like Mr. Tuggles could very well be. We just don’t know what this baby wild beast is capable of doing. Let’s not elect a potential blood thirsty killer here! It won’t do our image diddly-squat.”

    Merchant then announced that Santy Paws would hold a press conference tomorrow in an aviary in St. Louis.

  • Tuggles Claims Paws Not Housebroken

    Artist depiction of the pup’s alleged problem
    Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for cute kitten prez candidate sensation, Mr. Tuggles, today called a major press conference in which he made allegations that Santy Paws, the adorable puppy presidential hopeful, is not housebroken.

    “How can we possibly put that mutt in the White House if he ain’t even housebroken? Do we want pee stains in the Oval Office? Doggie droppings all over the West Wing? Why, it would be a disgrace, outrage and terrible embarrassment for this great nation and all its people, the ones Mr. Tuggles calls ‘Americans.’ We do not need a president we have to pick up after!”

    Ossenwold then asked Mr. Tuggles to join him on stage, and the precious little kitty did so– dragging a litter box with him. The crowd of jaded journalists melted with a hushed and heartfelt “Awwwwww.” Every dilated pupil in the house was on the precious little scamp.

    “My candidate knows how to handle his business. And he’ll know how to handle the nation’s business. Vote Mr. Tuggles, and keep America clean and safe from accidents!”

    Asked to respond to the allegations, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws said, “Wise guys, huh? Why I oughta– look here, see–– I’m going fix that mangy little furball but good!” and he stormed off in what observers described as “a huff.”

  • Paws Tells Tuggles He’ll “Bring It But Good”

    Merchant says Paws will play for keeps
    Adorable presidential pup contender, Santy Paws, is not going to back down from the cute kitty presidential candidate, Mr. Tuggles.

    In response to Jerry Ossenwold, Mr. Tuggles’s campaign manager who recently challenged the puppy to “bring it,” Santy Paws’s campaign manager Sam Merchant says, “Oh, he’ll bring it, bring it but good! Santy will bring it so hard that that kitten won’t know what hit him. We’ll show those wisenheimers, we mean business. They looking for a fight? Well Santy Paws and me have just one thing to say, here, kitty, kitty. Here kitty, kitty–– Santy Paws has a nice present for you!”

    With that, Sam Merchant begin twirling two brass balls in the palm of his right hand as his left hand crunched a walnut. The campaign manager then ate the walnut, shell and all, and laughed maniacally.

  • Tuggles Tells Santy “Bring it!”

    Jerry Ossenwold (center) pontificates on Mr. Tuggles
    Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for cute kitten prez candidate sensation Mr. Tuggles, says he is not afraid of recently announced candidate Santy Paws, a precious puppy who is scampering toward the White House.

    “The pup’s cute, I’ll give him that, but he’s weak on national security and job creation. Mr. Tuggles is concerned about getting Americans back to work. He’s hard at work on creating an employment program that works! Santy Paws seems more concerned with chasing his tail. I think my candidate’s going to neuter him, but good. Bring it, Santy Paws!”

    Ossenwold said that he was disappointed his candidate was not invited to participate in the recent G.O.P. televised debate. “I think Mitt, Rick, Newt and all those tired human candidates are scaredy cats about facing this kitten. He’s such a little bundle of adorable cuteness, they can’t possibly be appealing than Mr. Tuggles. Wait until his meow roars. America is ready for some real change, and it’s not some pup peeing on newspapers, it’s a kitten who knows how to take care of business!”

  • Precious Puppy Enters Race

    Who could possibly hate the U.S. with this leader?

    Mr. Tuggles, the cuddly kitten from Canfield, Ohio, running for president has some serious cuteness competition! An absolutely adorable puppy named Santy Paws is coming to town and tossing his red Santa cap into the ring for the 2012 presidential election.

    Many supporters believe the irresistibly cute puppy from Winter Park, Florida, is a lock for the leader of the free world role. Sam Merchant, campaign manager, believes Santa Paws has the charisma to beat the cute kitten named Mr. Tuggles and what he calls “the field of flesh puppets running for the presidency.”

    “Look, there’s lots more dog people than cat people out there, and Santy Paws has everything the American public is looking for,” said the 48-year old puppy handler. “For your lefty types, Santy Paws has the gift of entitlements. For the righties, he has the gift of tax cuts and no gun control whatsoever. And for corporate types and lobbyists, this dog will hunt if the price is right. Santy Paws will not be refused by any American looking to get gifts. Why, he’s America’s dream candidate, the one we’ve been waiting for that we didn’t even dream we could have. He will give America Ho Ho Hope!”

    There have been no comments made from any of the other presidential candidate campaign camps. Interesting, that.

  • Mr. Tuggles Off & Running

    The official poster for the candidate becomes an instant treasured keepsake. Awwww!

    The next president of the United States may use a litter box if some exuberant voters have their way. Mr Tuggles, the adorable kitten from Canfield, Ohio, is officially a candidate in the 2012 presidential race!

    “The people have spoken,” said campaign manager Jerry Ossenwold, “and they have spoken for cuteness over ugly politics as usual. Obama promised change, but he’s proven to be more of the same. He’s just another human doing human-y things. Mr Tuggles truly is change we can believe in and cuddle with. He’s the hope we have hoped for! Change that will change everything, with change to spare and spare change for all!”

    While many speculated that the cute little kitty would run as an independent, Ossenwold announced Mr. Tuggles would join the crowded field of G.O.P. hopefuls. Already, the sweet little whiskers fella is drawing fire from his competitors.

    “I hope Tuggles has nine lives,” said an unnamed tea party supporter, “because Rick Perry shoots feral varmints for sport, and Michele Bachmann has been bragging about having a killer recipe for salted kittens in a cake.”