The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Goodbye, Cruel World!

    Gone Rapturin'. Wish you were here!
    At 6 P.M. Eastern Standard Time today, the Rapture will arrive. Those of us who have led a good life of righteousness and obedience to Harold Camping will be whisked up to Heaven for our eternal rewards, while the rest of you are left behind and subjected to five months of God’s pranks–– earthquakes, hurricanes, tornados, aggressive life insurance salespeople, Donald Trump, poo-flinging monkeys and what have you.

    Talk about your haves and have nots.

    While I feel sorry for the rest of you suckers, I have to say I’ve enjoyed your company here on earth. It’s too bad you were evil sinners and didn’t make the upgrade list.

    I’ll be getting out while the getting’s good, and I’m hoping there will be no TSA in the after-gig because I don’t relish the idea of my fake hips setting off the alarms and having some saint or angel give me a pat-down. Although an angel pat-down might be a ticklish and enjoyable experience.

    In closing, I want to thank all the faithful Lint Screen readers for their literacy and patronage in making this blog one of the most popular on earth containing the words “Lint”, “Screen” and “The.” If you make the list for eternal salvation during Rapture, I’ll buy you a drink. If you don’t, I’ll wish you the best in lawyering-up and getting good representation for Judgement Day.

    Ciao, babe!

  • al Queda Franchisees Furious at Lack of Leadership

    al Queda franchisees are lonely in a leadership vacuum.
    The al Queda franchise has suffered a serious blow following the death of its leader, Osama bin Laden. The worldwide organization of evil is in turmoil with a vacuum of leadership.

    “I pay my franchise fees, and I get bupkis is return,” said an unnamed al Queda operative. “I am very disappointed there is not a better succession plan in place. How am I supposed to keep my staff motivated if corporate is in such disarray? It’s a tragic situation.”

    Across the globe, other al Quedaes express similar frustrations. “Osama bin Ladin was a great leader,” said a franchisee in a popular unnamed location. “He’d send us motivational videos and memos all the time. Even motivational posters with a picture of a cute kitten with its paws hanging from a rope and the words ‘Hang in there, baby!’ Very inspiring stuff. And now? Now I can’t even get a sign saying ‘Employees must wash hands before returning to their dastardly douchebag behavior.’ I mean, come on, how hard difficult is it to deliver on that?!”

    What many franchisees find most disappointing is the lack of creativity from corporate al Queda. “We just got our spring packet or terrorist promotional ideas. It was lame-o. More ideas like underwear bombs, prank phone calls, and bags of poop lit on fire and left at the front door of the White House after the doorbell is rung– it’s just nothing too inspired.”

    While many have speculated things will be better once rumored #2 Ayman al-Zawahiri is elevated to replace bin Laden, some franchisees aren’t so sure. “Nice guy,” said one disgruntled franchisee, “evil as the day is long, but has the charisma of a sun-baked stone. Osama, he ain’t!”

    Some al Queda franchisees say if they do not seem improvements soon, they may get out of the organization altogether. “Look,” said one unnamed member, “I could get better returns with a Smoothie King or Subway franchise. Corporate needs to get in the game or it’s going to lose some good people.”

  • bin Laden Widows Trash Their Old Man

    Hubby Osama was hardly Mr. Popular with the ladies.
    Osama bin Laden’s three wives have been subjected to extensive questioning by U.S. intelligence officials, and their observations are not flattering.

    “Ozzie was a pig,” says wife #1, “the man never picked-up after himself in his life. He was a total slob. His mother spoiled him rotten–a real mama’s boy, that one. And his personal hygiene? Forget about it. The guy stunk like a dipped skunk. He wouldn’t have known a stick of deodorant or a toothbrush if it bit him!”

    Wife #2 agreed that bin Laden was no picnic to be married to. “Osammy was very introverted. He never shared his feelings or opened up his heart about anything. He never cried at movies like Titanic, Casablanca or Up. And when it came to birthdays and holidays, I never got so much as a card, let alone flowers or chocolates. He was pretty much a jerk, really.”

    But wife #3 did think her ex excelled in one category. “Osama-Rama-Ding-Dong may have been the biggest creep who ever lived. He was a world class muttonhead. Always said he’d do some yard work or build shelves in the closet, or fix the wobbly leg of the end table, but he’d never get around to it. He’d spend all his time pouring over his stash of porn or watching himself on TV, like some egotistical Charlie Sheen-like mook. The dude was a total tool!”

    None of the widows have plans to remarry.

  • bin Laden’s Records Reveal His Dark Side

    The evil bastard Osama bin Laden had a darker side than any of us imagined.

    The recent raid of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan pad resulted in his death, some nasty rug stains and his eternal shame and embarrassment as U.S. government officials today released details of records captured in the evil man’s lair.

    There is one obvious conclusion to be drawn: bin Laden had truly disturbing taste in music!

    The al Qaeda leader had a 666 vinyl album collection that included the entire works of Yanni, Ethel Merman, Spice Girls, Vanilla Ice, Fat Louie Szykowski & His Big Polka Band, Mini Moni, Hanson, Limp Bizkit, Baccara, Air Supply, Nickelback, Tiny Tim, Tiffany, Starland Vocal Band, Armi ja Danny, John Tesh, Hoobastank, Jonas Brothers, Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, Zamfir, Boxcar Willie, El Chombo, Ratt, Bay City Rollers, Daler Mehndi, Bread, David Hasselhoff, Milli Vanilli, Steklovata, Creed and Ashlee Simpson.

    “bin Laden was truly evil,” said a government official, “we discovered an extensive collection of Marcel Marceau albums, including the rare title ‘Writer’s Block’ that in my opinion is definitely sonically superior to the digitally remastered CD from 2008. That thing sucks, dude–– sucks!” the official shouted as he spat on the ground in disgust.

    “Most disturbing of all is an album we found that has various artists like Bobby Goldsboro, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Leif Garrett covering the Disney song ‘It’s A Small World After All.’ It’s hard to imagine how anyone could be that hateful to own such an evil thing. This guy was obviously even worse than we feared” The official shook his head in disgust and waited patiently for time to pass.

    It did.

    Slowly.

  • Royal Marriage On the Rocks

    Trouble in paradise? The scene following the Royal row.
    It appears the storybook wedding of a commoner to a prince may be over almost as soon as it began. The rumor mills are working overtime that the marriage of Kate Middleton to Prince William is on the rocks, or to quote Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, “Kaputsville. She’s shutting the dude down.”

    Embedded The Lint Screen reporters say the following exchange took place in a love nest the couple shared following their wedding ceremony.

    (CAST: Prince William–PW, Kate Middleton–KM)
    PW: I say, my angel-love, these crumpets are quite lovely. Each morsel is absolutely divine. Heavenly, I must say!
    KM: Enough of your incessant chatter, you twit, I can’t take it any longer! Could you possibly be quiet for just one moment, or do you never tire of hearing your incessant blathering?!
    PW: My word, lovee, whatever is it? Are you feeling out of sorts?
    KM: Out of sorts?! Oh, that’s rich! Me, out of sorts. (Affecting a Cockney accent) Shall I polish your silver, guv’nor. Do the family jewels need attending to? How might I be of service to you, m’lord?!
    PW: Good heavens, Katie-wait-waits, whatever has you on edge?
    KM: Are the cameras off, then, Billy-boy? Am I done with the pageantry blushing bride business? Might I finally let my knickers down, then?
    PW: Please, Kate, there’s no need for courseness.
    KM: Enough. I cannot, I will not be trapped like this. I want to be free! I want to soar, I want to live, I want to dance! I want to laugh by the moonlight and kiss the sunrise! I want to feel cool mud between my toes and bask in the warmth of a dead moose carcass…
    PW: What was that, dear? I was texting Henry and I’m afraid I missed what you just said…
    KM: Then hear this– I’m done!
    (SFX: Smashing glassware, frustrated female screams and subdued sounds of a man sobbing uncontrollably.)

    Royal watchers are concerned for where this marriage may be heading. Others report it is typical to begin a healthy marriage with a healthy row, followed by decades of suppressed anger and festering rage.

    Time will tell.

  • Queen puts Kibosh on Hokey Pokey

    Unfortunately, by order of the Queen, all limbs must not be put in, put out, or shaken all about.
    To the disappointment of all who will attend the gala reception following the Royal Wedding tomorrow of Prince William and Kate de la Common Folks, Queen Elizabeth II has declared there will be no dancing of the traditional wedding reception favorite, “The Hokey Pokey.”

    A spokesman for the reigning monarch issued the following statement this morning. “While the Queen loves a good festive dance, she believes that ‘the putting of a left foot in and the putting of a left foot out and the putting of a left foot back in and shaking it all about’ is not in keeping with the solemn occasion of this Royal union. She regrets the ill feelings any may harbor by this decision, but she believes it is in the best interest of the Monarchy.”

    Although the news was met with disappointment and grief, the Queen has decided that “The Chicken Dance” and “The Electric Slide” will be permitted at the reception.

    “The Queen loves the silliness of people flapping their arms like chicken wings,” said the spokesman as he polished his monocle. He also reminded the press corps, “If you are attending the reception, please remember to bring a covered dish– Swedish meatballs, pigs in a blanket and noodle casseroles are always popular and welcomed. Also, please do remember the dress code is ‘swanky.’ No denim, cut-offs or tank tops, please.”