The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: Donald Trump

  • Angry Democrat Mobs Terrorize Nation, Make Children Cry

    Angry Democrat Mobs Terrorize Nation, Make Children Cry

    Crazed liberals threaten innocent citizens in a blood-thirsty rampage against making America great again

    It’s even worse than you feared!

    Sean Hannity, the North Star of Fox News Channel, recently warned viewers that mobs of angry Democrats are out of control and a threat to our nation. Sure enough, the Moses of hair parts was correct!

    All over America, angry libs are gathering like moths to a tiki torch and pitching a fit against our greatest president ever, Donald J. Trump. Why?

    Naturally, they are infuriated our glorious leader bestowed a black robe upon Brett “Do you like beer? I like beer!” Kavanaugh, a level-headed pious man who kept meticulous calendars and had the utmost respect for women.

    Maybe they are jealous of a businessman so gifted he persuaded his father (Fred “The ATM” Trump) to make him a millionaire by age eight!

    How’s that for an allowance?!

    Or, perhaps they resent that he has solved race relations by inviting the famous black man Kanye West to his office for a confab and 4-1-1 on what’s what in the universe and this dimension.

    And Trump manhandling the commie strongman Vlad Putin makes the blood boil of the irate Socialists. Get over it, comrades!

    Maybe they hate the fact that Trump had the largest inaugural crowd in history.

    Dumbcrats can’t stand the truth and are rattled when the Big Man calls out fake news like The Lint Screen for its so-called journalism.

    Perhaps they despise how he has calmed all nuclear fears in North Korea and has made significant gains in securing worldwide peace by using his very big brain.

    Then again, they could burn in their jealous rage that God obviously loves our glorious leader more than anyone else on Earth.

    Are they upset Team Trump includes lovable patriots like Ted Cruz and cuddle toys like Lindsey Graham? Certainly!

    Maybe they can’t stand the fact the rest of the world respects Trump and America like never before–– we are no longer a laughing-stock! In your face, Obama.

    Of course, the goon squad Dems despise Trump’s ability to keep manage his White House airtight, with absolutely no leaks.

    And obviously, the looney liberal lunatics are upset because Mueller’s biggest witch hunt in history has not proven one damn thing–– NO COLLUSION!

    The evil Democrats are rabid radicals hell-bent on ruining America and will never pledge allegiance to Donald J. Trump, the one man God put here to make America great again.

    Lock your doors and protect your children–– there are no good people in this ravenous hate-filled pack of animals.

  • Trump’s Cheat Sheet for N. Korea Summit

    Trump’s Cheat Sheet for N. Korea Summit

    The prez gets special help to strengthen his superior noodle

    While Donald Trump may have “a very good brain” but he still needs a little assistance getting ready for his upcoming North Korean Summit with Kim Jong Un on June 12.

    The Lint Screen has obtained a copy of the confidential “cheat sheet” for the president as he prepares for tough negotiations with the North Korean leader.

    TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

    (WH STAFF–– DO NOT LEAK, LEAKERS WILL BLEED!)

    • DO NOT call Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man”
    • Yes, “Little Rocket Man” is a brilliant nickname
    • Kim Jong Un is Asian, do not be alarmed
    • North Korea is different from South Korea–– like North Dakota, and South Dakota are different places
    • South Korea GOOD, North Korea BAD!
    • There is NO East Korea or West Korea
    • No, we do not know why that is. It just is.
    • Do not believe Kim Jong Un if he says he is a big fan of THE APPRENTICE
    • N. Korea is a communist state, communists are supposed to be our enemies
    • N. Korea has nuclear bombs; we do NOT want them to have nuclear bombs
    • Nuclear bombs are bad in enemy hands–– they go BOOM!
    • DO NOT offer to give Kim Jong Un our nuclear bombs
    • DO NOT negotiate for shiny buttons or magic beans
    • DO NOT negotiate for Diet Cokes or juicy burgers
    • Do NOT negotiate to put a Trump property in N. Korea (maybe next trip)
    • YOUR GOAL is to get agreement for complete “denuclearization” by N. Korea–– we’ll explain what “denuclearization” means later
    • Yes, “denuclearization” is a funny word
    • Do NOT mention “Libya” or “Libyan solution”… PLEASE!
    • NO Tweeting at the negotiating table
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s hairstyle
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s height
    • Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s poor English
    • Do NOT have prostitutes urinate on the bed. There could be cameras.
    • Try not to brag about the size of your inauguration crowd
    • You are the BEST negotiator ever, you have made many great deals, the best deals, tremendous deals!!!
    • ACT PRESIDENTIAL! YOU ARE VERY PRESIDENTIAL

  • Comey’s First Draft of Written Testimony Reveals Literary Talent

    An early draft of Comey’s Valentine’s Day dinner with Trump shows the ex-top copper has true writing talent.

    In a blockbuster exclusive, The Lint Screen has obtained some notes from the first draft of former FBI Director James Comey’s written testimony. It follows

    “It was a dark and stormy night. Dark as ink in a windowless closet, wet as a drunk underwater. The President invited me to dinner. He said he wanted to invite my whole family, but he thought there might not be enough ice cream to go around. ‘Screw them,’ he said. ‘Come solo.’

    I walked into the Green Room where a small table was set for our satiating needs. Hunger is like a hunger that eats us from within. Delicious irony, how I love thee!

    At the table, there were two seats. The lights had been dimmed and four candles illuminated the room warmly. I recalled it was February 14, Valentine’s Day. The President asked me to sit. He winked and pulled my chair out for me.

    I sat. He sat. Curious behavior. Obviously, he was mirroring my actions. Why?!!! Immediately, the appetizer was served. Unfortunately, it was not loaded potato skins–– Lordy, how I love me some loaded potato skins, they’re so yummy!

    Alas, no skins, it was soup. Soup in a bowl, a bowl round in shape.

    The President did not use his eating utensils. He shoveled soup into his mouth with his hand and asked me to pass the bread. I did. I wondered if the butter had been softened. It had not!

    Hard butter, a problem.

    He asked me if the FBI was investigating Michael Flynn. I said, yes, we are. He said, ‘Flynn is a good guy. Spectacular man. Tremendous talent.’ Then he cupped his soup hand to his mouth and whispered, ‘I hope you can let the investigation go. Look the other way. Take a dive. Forgettaboutit, capiche?’

    I said nothing. He said nothing. It was quiet, no talking–– like a mute parrot. The silence enveloped us like a sheet of soft silk over an anvil. It was soft, yet hard.

    ‘You know,’ he whispered, as he touched my hand with his wet soup-eating hand, ‘I admire you, Jim. I crave your loyalty and I expect it. I need your loyalty, Jimbo. I need it so bad. I’ll give you an extra scoop of ice cream for your undying loyalty.’

    I said, Mr. President, I can give you honesty. He said, ‘Honesty’s nice, but loyalty’s nicer.’

    I said you will always have my honesty.

    ‘Screw honesty,’ he bellowed, as his soup fist slammed the table. ‘I’m the boss, and I demand your loyalty!’

    I was quiet–– quiet as a church mouse with laryngitis.

    I stared at him. He stared at me. We locked eyes for the next 48-minutes. Neither of us blinked. Four eyeballs in a shoving match in which none would yield.

    Optic nerves with nerves of steel.

    Finally, Mike Pence entered the room. The Vice President was dressed in cowboy pajamas and announced that Hannity was on TV. The President rose and dismissed me. Skeedaddle, he said.

    I left. Hungry.

    On my ride home, I wondered if the butter had softened. Lordy, how I hate hard butter.”

  • White House-Approved Media Questions

    The President is so good at his job, he’s going to do the media’s job also.

    Following President Donald J. Trump spanking of fake news yesterday, the White House has drafted a list of approved questions for the media to ask in press conferences.

    “We had to do this,” Jeremy Bostwich, White House senior advisor told The Lint Screen. “Since the fake news is running rampant and not reporting the excellence exhibited every day by this incredible administration, we must do their job for them. I hope they are ashamed of their dereliction of duties but happy we’ve saved their bacon. You’re welcome.”

    Here is the list of approved questions to ask the President:

    1. What’s your favorite color?
    2. Why do you think the crowd was so large on your inauguration day?
    3. Do you think is was the largest crowd assembled in history? I mean, possibly?
    4. Do you have a favorite Beatle?
    5. Who do you think should have succeeded you in “The Apprentice”?
    6. What are the milestones of your first thirty days in office?
    7. Has this been the most successful presidency in history?
    8. If you had to pick a second place whose presidency would you select?
    9. What’s your favorite pizza topping?
    10. Do you ever tire of winning? I mean, really?
    11. Why do you tolerate the media? Part two: should the free press be abolished?
    12. That’s a beautiful tie, who makes it?
    13. How does it feel to have won in the largest landslide in political history?
    14. Would you serve a third term, if the lazy Congress changed the law?

    Now, perhaps the fake news will get real.

  • ‘The Situation’ Pondering Political Career

    The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.
    The Situation thinks he may have a legit shot in politics.

    Look out Donald, there’s a creature coming from the sea who may take you down!

    After witnessing the incredible success Donald J. Trump has had in politics, Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is thinking he may campaign to be the next president of these United States.

    “Hey, why not?” the charismatic mensa member asked The Lint Screen. “I was THE MAN on the shore that is Jer-say. That show was nothing without me. Nothing! Man, I put the reality in reality TV,” The Situation said, while flexing a mountain of muscle on his arm. “Gun show, baby!” He continued pontificating.

    “And I rocked on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. Look, dude, they say you can’t beat heat, right? And I’ve got heat. Heat like the sun. Listen, I’m not saying I could take the Donald down today, that guy’s good, but let me get my campaign rolling and we’ll see who’s got game, you know? He’s like, what–– 104? I can do him better than making America great again, I can make America super duper terrific again! Hey, I’ll put that on some ball caps–– bam! Look out, baby, I got the mojo it takes. When is the next election anyway? March, or something?”

    There was no comment from Trump spokespeople, but there have also been rumors of Snooki contemplating a political career.

  • Trump Hires Confidence-Boosting Coach

    Shy guy Donald Trumps takes step to increase confidence.
    Shy guy Donald Trumps takes a baby step to increase his confidence.

    Newly-announced presidential candidate Donald Trump has hired legendary self-help guru Tony Robbins, The Lint Screen has learned.

    “The Donald is not a very outgoing person,” said Sam Blyminauer, Trump campaign manager. “He feels he needs a guy like Tony Robbins on his team to teach him some tricks of how to boost his ego and self confidence. Tony is a master of helping shy folks like Donald come out of their shells and inch their way to the limelight.”

    The Trump campaign staff is fearful their candidate may be overshadowed by charismatic superstars like of Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, Dr. Ben Carson and the 612 other declared presidential candidates.

    “Donald Trump is going to work closely with Tony to make sure his authentic voice is heard,” said Blyminauer. “Although he has shy tendencies, we think through work and practice he’ll open up, goose his retiring ego a bit and make sure that his opinions gets heard.”

    It will be interesting to see if this bold plan works!