BP may have a better fix.Former V.P. Dick Cheney, age 69, received a HeartMate II LVAD (left ventricular assist device) last week and reportedly is recovering well. But officials at BP think they can help Cheney even more.
“After the tremendous success we’ve achieved fixing pesky oil leaks, we sincerely believe we can help the former vice president with his ticker,” said a BP company spokesperson. “Mr. Cheney’s had a world of trouble with his heart, but we’re confident we can help him. After all, look at how we saved the Gulf of Mexico after God erupted that enormous oil spill! Which, by the way, we’re determined to clean up and make right, not because it’s our fault, but because that’s just the kind of swell janes and joes we are!”
The official refused to explain exactly what BP officials had in mind to fix Cheney’s heart, he only said, “It might take some experimenting with innovative techniques or drilling alternate pumping resources, but we feel pretty confident we can make it right. It’s what we do!”
BP’s on top of the world!Now that it looks like the BP Deepwater Horizon leak may finally be capped after 85 days, BP executives are crowing about their brilliance.
“We’re number one!” bragged one executive proudly as he wagged his index finger into this reporter’s face. “We kicked this leak’s butt from here to kingdom come, and you want to know why? I’ll tell you why, you pathetic ink-monkey– because we’re the best there ever was!”
“You can’t keep BP down,” said another executive, we’re always going to rise to the surface like some viscous liquid. It’s just in our DNA.”
“Now that we’ve fixed that little snafu,” said another BP bigwig, “we can get on to rolling the dice and finding some more bubblin’ crude– oil that is, black gold, Texas tea!”
“I’ll tell you one thing,” said an agitated executive, “I’m sick and tired of the media and politicians making us out to the heavies here. It’s not like we put the oil in the ground. Hell’s bells, all we do is take it out of the ground and put it in people’s tanks. We don’t ask for much in return, just some record profits and a little gratitude. Now get out the way, there’s some Macallan Scotch and Montecristos calling my name!”
The Lint Screen staff gets scooped like Baskin Robbins! Ouch. The headlines recently blasted the news that free agent LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers (‘King James’ to his mother and friends) had decided to go to the Miami Heat. It was big news, but not quite as big as the news that the esteemed benchmark for journalistic integrity, The Lint Screen, had gotten the story wrong.
We reported that LeBron was not going pro, but was going back to high school— to play at Ursuline High, a Catholic school in Youngstown, Ohio. We had this juicy tidbit on very good authority: an inside source and trusted member of LeBron’s inner circle, someone who personally knew the cousin of a guy who has a brother-in-law who knows a guy who lives next door to the apartment of the guy who delivers pizzas to LeBron’s house when the big man’s having parties. As sources go, this ironclad source was platinum.
Alas, it was not and the entire staff of The Lint Screen apologizes to anyone who may have been hurt by our inaccurate reporting, especially those who had bet big in Vegas on Ursuline going unbeaten in its 2010-2011 season. Sorry, we won’t let boners like this ever happen again! But we did just hear LeBron may be starting QB for the Dolphins. More on this later, if it pans out…
LeBron to lift spirits of new fans! As the world waits on his big decision, The Lint Screen has learned basketball megastar LeBron James will announce his decision tonight to forego the offers from pro teams in favor of Ursuline High School in Youngstown, Ohio.
If true, this could shake the entire foundation of civilization as we know it, or certainly, the progression of athletes through school systems to professional franchises.
“LeBron knows he can play absolutely anywhere,” said the unnamed source close to him, “but his favorite time playing ball was with St. Vincent–St. Mary High School in Akron. He wants to go back to go forward again. And Ursuline High came through with a package that is going to be hard for anyone else to beat. I mean, it’s sugar-with-honey-and-artificial-sweetener good! Yamma yamma zowee!”
Officials at Ursuline did not return phone calls, so this rumor must be true. Tune in to ESPN tonight and let’s find out! Soon, Ursuline fans may be riding higher than LeBron.
BP is getting tired of being the scapegoat for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill that is still dumping millions of gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, and the company is now taking a more Zen approach to its public relations.
“Look, we’ve tried the old ‘apologetic, contrition, guilt’ and ‘we’re here for you’ approach,” said a company insider who demanded anonymity, “but we’re still taking it on the chin, public relations-wise. So now we’re just asking people to take a chill pill and relax. I mean, come on, Doris Day said it best– que sera sera. Which means, ‘whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera.’ There’s a ton of wisdom in those song lyrics, and that perky blonde may have been one of our greatest philosophers in troubling times like these.”A great philosopher?
BP is even thinking that it may be a useless effort to continue operations to try and stop the leaking. “Nothing seems to be working,” said the insider, “and everything we do only exasperates our bad P.R. So, fine. Maybe we should just sit back and let some Einstein come up with a solution. I’m not saying we will, but we’re getting pretty sick and tired of the beating we’re getting in the press. Now there’s hurricanes brewing– hey, is anyone blaming Mother Nature? No. No, it’s all evil BP’s fault. I, for one, am sick of fighting a losing battle,” said the irate man in his $4,000 tailored suit and $1,500 shoes, “we just can’t win here! He pivoted quickly and walked away, disgusted, perhaps in search of a ‘chill pill’ to ease his frustration.
General McCrystal was not as tight-lipped as he appeared to be.
In the aftermath of his Rolling Stone interview in which General Stanley McChrystal said many critical things about his Commander in Chief and others, then wrote a letter of resignation that was accepted by President Obama, a new batch of quotes have surfaced. Printed here in a Lint Screen exclusive are some of the other inflammatory quotes said by the former commander of US forces in Afghanistan.
“Most Taliban have God-awful breath. I always try to feed them some Altoids.”
“I don’t really like coconut, and anyone who does should be shot.”
“Don’t even get me going on bagpipes…”
“Coke versus Pepsi? No contest– Coke! Obama probably likes Pepsi! Unbelievable, this guy.”
“Roman numerals suck!”
“Afghanistan will never be a popular tourist attraction. There’s too many bullets in the air.”
“Song for song, I think The Monkees were better than The Beatles.”
“Obama would never have the guts to fire me. He’s afraid of me– Biden, too.”
“I think Sweet’N Low is too sweet. Always have.”
“Hush Puppy shoes? Yeah, they’re ugly, but comfortable for sure.”
“bin Laden has no sense of style. He looks like he’s dressed out of the rag bag.”
“The Detroit Lions are better than people think. Take it to the bank.”
“Favorite music? Barbershop quartet!”
“I likes me some whiskey and Fritos for unwind time.”
“I could beat David Petraeus in an arm wrestling match, bet on it!”
“Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot. Especially in red. So’s that Sarah Palan– meow!”
“The scent of Old Spice nauseates me. More of a Brut 33 guy myself.”
“Justin Bieber’s a cute kid, nice voice and all, but I don’t dig his music all that much.”
“This is all off the record, right?”
