The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • The Greatest Retail Name Ever!

    It takes great confidence to name a store this name.
    In my travels as an adman, I’ve been to many places and seen many things. I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen James Taylor on fire and pleading for water. Any kind of water. But I’ve never seen a retail establishment with a name that tops the one in downtown Salisbury, North Carolina: OK Wigs.

    Now, maybe OK is the initials of the owner, but I prefer to think it is a humble statement of the store’s inventory. I can imagine a customer wandering in off the street and the following conversation taking place…

    The wigs look better than OK. But then again…
    “Hi. Can you tell me about this wig?”
    “Oh, it’s brown hair and it’s OK.”
    “Is it a pretty good wig?”
    “Ummm, I don’t think I’d go that far. It’s OK.”
    “OK?”
    “Yeah, OK. I mean, it pretty much covers the skull. See?”
    “I see…”
    “It’s hair-like. You can get brush it just like real hair.”
    “Ummm hmmm…”
    “So, I guess it’s pretty much OK.”
    “It’s an OK wig?”
    “Yep, OK. Definitely OK.”
    “Nothing special.”
    “No. Just OK.”
    “Not the best?”
    “Absolutely not the best.”
    “And saying it’s pretty good would be going too far?”
    “Probably. I mean, it’s not that good.”
    “But it is OK?”
    “Sure is. It’s OK all day long.”
    “I see. And what about this wig over here?”
    “It’s OK, too.”
    “Is it any better than the other wig?”
    “Nope. They’re both pretty OK.”
    “And what about all these other wigs?”
    “Well, let’s see. That’s OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. Well, they’re all OK.”
    “So, they’re all OK wigs?”
    “Yep. That’s all we sell here, OK wigs. Hence, the store’s name.”
    “OK. I admire your humble honesty. I guess I’ll buy a couple OK wigs.”
    “OK…”

    And so it would go: hair flying out the door like a tornado through a six-seat barber shop. If you’re ever around downtown Salisbury, stop in and buy a few OK Wigs. They’ll make great gifts for your mannequin heads, or your own.

  • “Not A Witch” Pleads Innocent To Toad Incident

    Democrat Chris Coons claims Christine O’Donnell was involved in his amazing body transformation
    Tea Party Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell, running for a Delaware Senate seat, recently ran a TV commercial in which she said, “I am not a witch.” The spot was a tongue in cheek response to her admission years ago to Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect that she had studied witchcraft.

    Now, Ms. O’Donnell is in the spotlight again after her Senate opponent, Democrat Chris Coons, left his human body to occupy a toad’s form. A spokesperson for Mr. Coons said that the candidate is furious about this sudden transformation and strongly suspects “witch O’Donnell’s black magic hand” involvement in the matter.

    “Now it’s going to be next to impossible for Chris Coons to run an effective campaign against Christine O’Donnell. Our polling indicates that the voting public is not ready for an amphibian in Washington, especially one with little bladder control when frightened. We demand Ms. O’Donnell lift her evil spell and fight fair!”

    When Ms. O’Donnell was contacted for her response to the allegations, she said, “I’m innocent– innocent, I tells ya!” She then turned into a puff of smoke and vanished.

  • Get To Know “The Kimster”

    When kooky ol’ North Korean leader Kim Jong-il announced that his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, would succeed him as leader, many asked, “Huh, what’s up with that?”

    Get to know me, dudes!
    Well, for the curious, here are some little know facts about the next leader of Commie Korea.

    • He prefers radishes to celery and Captain Morgan’s to both
    • Nickname: ‘Son of Looney Tunes’
    • Favorite band: Jefferson Starship
    • When he was a baby, often wet himself
    • Favorite number: 666
    • Adores romance novels with Vikings and mermaids
    • Dude loves his beer pong and rules at Atari Pong, too!
    • He’s Korean
    • Follows Ashton K’s tweets religiously
    • Hopes to some day appear on Dancing With The Stars in a sheer satin gown
    • Has two friends on Facebook, his father is one of them
    • Digs thongs
    • Likes dragons better than unicorns, neither as much as solid gold bricks
    • Wants to grow a John Waters ‘stache some day
    • Is seriously considering changing name to Kim Jong-Awesome!

  • Terrorism in Gwinnett

    Dismantling Greatness is hard to witness through teary eyes
    Here in God’s Country, we like to say “If you can’t trust a water tower, who can you trust?”

    Well, tragedy is slowly striking Gwinnett County as a group of terrorists disassemble one of the greatest roadside attractions in our free land: the Twin Towers of Gwinnett Greatness.

    For over three decades, these I-85 icons have proclaimed two confident statements to curious eyes: GWINNETT IS GREAT and SUCCESS LIVES HERE.

    For residents of Gwinnett, these were comforting words. For those not lucky enough to live here, the words were truth that stings and gives the ol’ one-two bruising combo to the ego.

    But now the glorious Twin Gwinnett Towers are being taken down, I assume by evil terrorists from other jealous counties. I feel the greatness of Gwinnett flickering and wonder if perhaps Success is packing its bags. I certainly hope not, Success was a great neighbor (really has a beautiful lawn and landscaping, plus was always happy to pick up the mail and newspapers for vacationing neighbors).

    The Towers are falling, The Towers are falling–– woe is all of us!

  • Colbert Topples Gov’t!

    Stephen Colbert, the alleged funnyman and host of The Colbert Report on Comedy Central, was invited to testify before Congress on Friday about how working as a migrant worker on farms isn’t as much fun as you’d think it would be and at the end of his talk he said that the workers (many of whom are illegal immigrants) deserve better treatment but throughout his testimony is was like he was cracking wise and not being serious enough kowtowing to Congress and what in God’s name is he up to anyway making our politicians look stupid because if he mocks them he mocks us for we are the people who elected those righteous people to be our people in Washington and what kind of sicko whackjob tries to make fools of the very people who represent we the people anyway?!

    A very dangerous man, this Stephen Cobert, very dangerous indeed!

  • Jobs to Announce Major Change for Apple

    Jobs prepares for an enormous change as Wall Street holds its collective bad breath.
    Steven P. Jobs, the iconic co-founder of Apple Computers, is rumored to be contemplating a major new direction for Apple in the upcoming weeks.

    Sources close to the iron-fisted leader whisper that rumors of a new initiative are true: Jobs will be changing his uniform from a black mock turtleneck and blue jeans to something “with a lot more flair and pizazz!”

    Jobs has worn the same uniform of a mock black turtleneck and jeans ever since he was a child, and many financial analysts believe this fashion consistency has been a critical component of Apple’s enormous success.

    “Sure Apple makes cool computers and stuff,” said a high powered trader who demanded anonymity, “but what people are really buying is Steve’s consistent look. Depending on what he changes to, I think the stock price could get hammered.”

    Many Wall Streeters believe if Jobs makes a change to a denim shirt with black khakis, the stock price will slip initially but could come back. “But if Jobs goes crazy with, say, a plaid shirt and white parachute linen pants, all bets are off. Expect the stock to crater.”

    Many fear even worse fashion outlooks. One wild rumor making the rounds is that Jobs will opt for Hawaiian shirts, Capri pants, black satin pumps and porkpie hats. “If that happens, I don’t care what kind of i-Crap you’re making– no one’s buying!”