In an exclusive interview, Marcia Toopluy, spokesperson for the upcoming Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, said the production is “not cursed” and that all the accidents associated with rehearsals were “simply freaky things that happen, like walking under a ladder and getting a mirror broken over your head and a black cat thrusting its claws into your face.”
Earlier this week, an actor fell 20-feet during rehearsals and was hospitalized. A multitude of accidents and production technical glitches have four times delayed the opening date of the $65 million show. To ensure its financial stability, when the show does open in early February, tickets will cost $350,000 for orchestra seats and $210,000 for balcony seats. Unsold tickets will be half-priced day of show at TKTS.
“But the production is not cursed,” said Ms. Toopluy, “we have great expectations it will be a major hit and a huge financial success.” She then mysteriously burst into flames. She shouted, “this interview is over.”
Washington legislators tackle pesky deficit problem to ensure we remain the land of milk ‘n honey!In a unified bipartisan effort, lawmakers from both the Democratic and Republican Parties have rallied together and devised an innovative new plan to defeat the growing United States deficit problem.
Effective February 1, 2011, the Federal Deficit Reduction/Tax Cutting & Enhanced Entitlement Program goes into effect at a projected cost of $6.9 trillion. This program will employ 5.5 million Americans who will review ways to cut taxes for the wealthiest 1% of Americans while creating enhanced entitlement programs for the other 99%.
“It’s really pretty brilliant,” said a Republican legislator, “we’ll cut unemployment by hiring over five and a half million Americans and boost the economy by giving huge tax breaks to the wealthy that will trickle down to commoners. Then, we’ll give extended government entitlements. This will trigger hiring even more government employees to manage the paperwork. This means we’ll cut unemployment even more!”
“Our program should be called ‘having your cake and eating it, too!’” said a Democratic legislator who also was also involved with the creation of this new government body. “The best thing about the program is that no one has to sacrifice.”
The estimated cost of the new deficit reduction program will bring the U.S. government deficit to just over $20 trillion. Some legislators are grumbling about the program saying that we need to form a new governmental agency to look into ways of reducing the size of government.
Should I show grief or good fortune? I’m not sure if I should wear black or a gold lamay suit. Perhaps I can find a nice black gold lamay suit.
Not a week after I was informed I’m in for a $36 million inheritance from the untimely passing of a relative I didn’t know, I find out another distant relative has croaked leaving me his fortune! The following message (reprinted exactly) came to my e-mail box: Attention.
I am Mr Hussien Ahmed.An attorney at law in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. I am in an urgent need of your co-operation to re-profile the sum of $5.800,000.00 united state dollars to your name as the next of kin to a deceased client of mine whose last name you bear.
Upon the retrieval/receipt of this money in any of your designated bank account. We will share it on an agreed percentage.More details will be given to you once receive a positive response from you.
Kindly get back to me as soon as possible.
Regards,
Mr.Hussien Ahmed.
While I wish this relative had worked harder, let’s face it–– $5.8 million isn’t exactly $36 million, I will accept the money. Concerning this “agreed percentage” you wrote of, I suggest 100% for me, 0% for you. If my calculations are correct, that means you owe me $5.8 million united states dollars.
Mr. Hussien Ahmed, I thank you. I’ve forwarded all the personal financial information you requested– credit card numbers, bank account numbers, passwords, etc. Please let me know when the check’s in the mail and on its way.
Cry not, sweet tombstone angel–– soon we’ll be rich!One of the things I love about this digital world is the ability to connect to people. It’s both remarkable and can be quite profitable.
Case in point: a recent dispatch I received from a good man named ‘Rene Keita.’ I’m not sure where this person is from, but he is a kind, caring, compassionate soul who only wants to assist me in finding wealth as a result of the tragic passing of a distant relative I never knew I had!
Read his urgent message to me below and you’ll see my good fortune!
Dear Patrick Scullin,
I am Personal lawyer to Engr.M.J. Scullin , who died in an auto accident along side with his family. After all investigation even with the relevant embassy has yielded no results showing that there is no living next of kin.
I hereby solicit for your immediate response and positive committed efforts to facilitate the fund remittal of total sum $31 million USD before it get confiscated by the bank. This fund was left behind with a bank by my late client.I have all the necessary proof
Upon your positive response to this covenant, I will make all necessary information known to you. please get in touch with me through my email at ( rene.keita@hotmail.fr ) for more details.
Yours
Rene Keita
I am in for a cool $31 million clamollas, and I didn’t even have to scratch a lottery ticket to win! One Scullin gets planted in the earth, the other plucks the monetary fruits of his life’s labor. What could be easier?
I’ve dispatched all my personal information to Rene Keita and imagine I’ll soon be hob-nobbing amongst the swells (“Hello, Mick Jagger, do you know my friends, Alan Thicke, Doug Henning, Lorraine Bracco and Richard Belzer?”) I’ll be a fabulously wealthy fat cat, thanks to the untimely death of a dearly departed relative I never knew but feel eternally grateful to.
It’s this kind of connectivity that I believe will make this internet thing go from being a fad to a real sensation and perhaps a permanent useful tool.
Has the internet changed your life for the better? Please share.
Someone vigorously denies always leaving the toilet seat up.Discerning newshounds do not wish to wade through the morass of the 250,000 leaked diplomatic cables posted recently by WikiLeaks, so the staff of The Lint Screen have selected the following choice morsels for your enlightenment and amazement.
1. Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin is reported to frequently brush his teeth without first flossing. “It is an absolutely outrageous allegation,” says a source close to the Ruskie leader. “Mr. Putin always has minty-fresh breath and almost no tartar or plaque build-up. Obviously his dental hygiene is second to none!” 2. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki leaves the seat up. 3. Hillary Clinton thinks the best way to persuade Egyptian leaders is by using a stage whisper, winking and making occasional wild bird sounds. 4. The secret handshake of Hamas involves elbows, ear wriggling and yogurt. 5. Russia’s president, Dmitry Medvedev is allegedly afraid of moths and saber-toothed tigers. 6. China isn’t buying “the check’s in the mail” explanation for the payback of U.S. debt. Officials say the government will soon try a new tact: “We’re going to claim that we’ve run out of checks and are waiting for new ones to arrive.” 7. French president Nicolas Sarkozy reportedly is a bad french kisser. “He spits like a camel sucking on a lemon.” 8. The spat between Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Saudi’s King Abdullah began years ago when the Iranian leader lent the King his CD of Led Zeppelin’s Houses of The Holy and it came back “looking like a cat used it as a scratching post.” 9. Pakistan’s president Asif Ali Zardari rarely eats salads or collects Mardi Gras masks. 10. The Afghan Taliban’s hygiene is not as good as one might think. 11. The U.S. cables were downloaded when an security insider hacked into the top secret government security system by correctly guessing the password “1234.” 12. WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is a bedwetter, according to angry government security figures.
What do you get when you cross The Situation with Bristol Palin?
Absolutely nothing!
The two pop culture icons appear together in a compellingly persuasive new PSA all about safe sex that has proven so effective, people no longer feel the need to have sex.
Population experts fear the human race may soon become extinct as a result.
