The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • VI Little Known Super Bowl Commercial Facts

    Shecky almost played the Super Bowl!

    As the world prepares for the greatest game in the history of the world, the earth also prepares to watch the bestest commercials ever aired on planet earth.

    Not to overstate the case, but this Sunday night’s Super Bowl broadcast will be the defining moment of civilization.

    In preparation, here are VI little known facts about some famous Super Bowl commercials of the past.

    I. The “Mean Joe Green” spot for Coca-Cola was originally written for comedian Shecky Green. In the spot, Shecky is followed by a young fan after performing in Las Vegas. The kid offers the yuckster a Coke. Shecky resists, sees that the kid is upset, takes the bottle and chugs it. As the kid walks away, Shecky tosses him his microphone as a gift. Later it was decided that the commercial should take a more ‘football slant’ and Mean Joe Green of the Pittsburgh Steelers was cast. A little known fact: Shecky and Joe are NOT related.

    II. Apple’s “1984” spot never aired. Steve Jobs merely thought about it and we all saw it.

    III. McDonald’s “The Showdown” commercial using Larry Bird and Michael Jordan in a shoot-out for a Big Mac and fries showed the basketball stars making incredibly impossible shots. The shots were real, but it took 134,824 takes to get them. The basketball stars demanded the behind the scenes story never be revealed to save their fragile egos and reputations.

    IV. The Tabasco Sauce exploding mosquito commercial almost never aired due to extensive protests from the SPCBSI (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blood Sucking Insects). When vats of hot oil were dumped on protestors outside Tabasco headquarters, they agreed the commercial was O.K. to air.

    V. The famous Bud Bowl spots were rigged. Bud Light always covered the spread and bookies made huge profits on the vig. When Budweiser demanded Bud Light be tested for steroids, the Bud Bowl quickly disappeared before a scandal started.

    VI. Go Daddy uses sexy girls to grab attention. Seriously.

    Come back to The Lint Screen on Monday, February 7 for our annual wrap-up critique of all the spots aired in the 2011 Super Bowl– and let the debating begin!

  • The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom

    The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom: Meeeow!
    Yale Professor Amy Chua’s recently published book The Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother about raising children ‘the Chinese way’ now has a yang to its yin: The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom by American homemaker Sheila Burblang.

    Burblang, the mother of three children ages eleven, nine and five, lives in Alemeda, California and became incensed when she saw Chua on a talk show discussing her book.

    “Here was this Asian lady talking about not letting her kids have sleepovers, watch TV, play video games or do nothing but study hard, play pianos and violins and get straight A’s in school, said Burblang. “That may be the Chinese way, but it’s time someone stood up to raising kids the American way. So I wrote my book.”

    Here are some excerpts.

    “Poor Jimmy is bummed. All his friends are getting PS3’s and we still have an Xbox. ‘I’m tired of the crappy graphics on this dinosaur!’ Jimmy shouted while we were having dinner the other night. ‘Why can’t I ever get anything good?!’ I talked it over with my husband and it looks like someone will be getting an early birthday present!”

    “Lisa woke up this morning and didn’t feel like going to school. ‘What’s wrong, precious angel?’ I asked. ‘The teacher keeps trying to make us learn really hard stuff,’ she began sobbing. ‘Well, honey, it will get easier, you’ll see. You just have to do your best and make mommy and daddy very proud!’ She began crying hard and shouting that she had the worst life ever! Then, she threw a book at my head. I felt so badly for her that I told her it might be a good sick day for her. I called the school and explained that she was ill. I’m looking into getting a tutor for the poor little thing– I don’t want our five year old to feel defeated!”

    “Thomas is really upset with his baseball coach, and I can’t say that I blame him. The man is an overbearing tyrant!!! At yesterday’s game, Thomas hit a pop-up toward the first baseman. Thomas figured it was an easy out so he dropped his bat and went back to the dugout swearing because he felt the pitcher cheated him by throwing the ball where Thomas wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, the kid playing first base dropped the ball, then tripped on his shoes on the way to first, stepped on the base and then dropped the ball again but the catcher ran up and got the ball and stepped on first base so Thomas was out. WELL, the coach was upset at Thomas because he thought that if Thomas had run out the hit, he would have had an easy single since the clumsy first baseman dropped the ball. Well, Thomas got really angry because he said that the coach had been trying to crush his spirit ever since Thomas came on the team and Thomas wasn’t going to allow some washed-up adult wannabe-athlete bruise his ego and self confidence with his never- ending criticism and riding his butt over tiny things like having to do stupid things like run out every hit. Thomas threw a bat at the coach and stormed out of the dugout. I felt so sorry for Thomas, we stopped at Dairy Queen on the ride home and got him a big banana split and onion rings!!! Tomorrow I’m going to complain to the league commissioner about that mean coach and see if I can’t get him fired! I’m also going to stop by the trophy shop and see if I can just buy Thomas a big baseball trophy so he doesn’t have to deal with all this hyper-competitive crap!”

    “Jimmy brought home his report card today. He got one B, three C’s and two D’s. I told him we were very proud of his B and that the C’s prove he’s an average kid– although we think he’s WAY ABOVE AVERAGE!!! But then I asked him to kindly PLEASE see if he couldn’t do something about raising those two D’s a little bit. Well, Jimmy got furious and threw his new PS3 controller at me. It broke into pieces so now we’re going to have to get a new one… plus, I had to get six stitches in my forehead and goodness knows how much the insurance is going to cover!!! Jeesh, parenting spirited children in a tough job…”

  • Obama Nails Hu, China Angry!

    President Hu appears to have a case of heart burn and getting burned!
    President Barack Obama is one smooth and shrewd operator.

    There was much mystery shrouding the small private dinner Obama held with China’s President Hu Jintao on Tuesday evening. The beltway was abuzz with who was attending and what the purpose was of the dinner held the day before an official state dinner. Now it has been revealed: the private dinner was about relieving a whopping $850 billion debt the United States owes to China!

    Anonymous sources report that Tuesday’s private dinner included Hu, Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, actor Sally Kellerman, magician Doug Henning and Canadian rocker Geddy Lee of Rush. “It was a dream team of celebs and interesting personalities.”

    “The menu was fabulous. Tossed green salad with iceberg and romaine lettuces, cherry tomatoes, sliced cukes, walnuts and dried craisins with a thick coat of Kraft French dressing. There were Pepperidge Farm rolls, too! The main course was tender beef tenderloins, green bean casserole topped with fried onions and those small seasoned potatoes. For dessert, pound cake slices loaded with strawberries and Cool Whip! It was an incredible feed, but the best part is what happened after dinner as Geddy Lee started performing a killer acoustic version of Tom Sawyer.”

    “Obama coyly turned to Hu and told him what a gas it was to have him over, then he slipped the Chinese leader a bill for $850,000,000,000.00! He told Hu that in America we have a saying– ‘there’s no such thing as a free lunch.’ The President tells Hu that saying holds doubly true for dinner, so Hu owes us $850 billion for his tasty meal. Bam! Hu looked like he was about to die. He was one livid dude. Obama got him but good!”

    The Obama ploy will erase a large portion of the U.S. debt to China. Sources say the President next plans to invite Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama of Japan to dinner.

  • Leno to ‘Friend’ Stern, O’Brien, Letterman

    Jay’s in a vulnerable place; emotionally combustible even!
    Comedian and NBC Tonight Show host Jay Leno is tired of being played for the heavy.

    Following Howard Stern’s recent admission to chat show host Piers Morgan that he did not like Leno “personally or professionally,” Jay began to cry like a child who is saddened by harsh criticism from Howard Stern.

    “You’ve got to understand this about Jay Leno,” said a spokesman for the star, “he is a mega-talent who wants unconditional love from everyone. If he stabbed you in the back, he still wants you to love him for being a stepping stone for his ego and admit that you’ve been stabbed by the absolute best ever.”

    To combat his negative perceptions, Leno plans to become “friends” with many of his adversaries. The spokesman reports that Leno has joined a new website on the internet called Facebook that allows people to openly pledge their friendships by requesting to “friend” one another. Leno has sent friend requests to Howard Stern, Conan O’Brien and David Letterman.

    “Jay is confident that he can weasel his way back into the public’s heart by becoming friendly with his so-called enemies. It’s brilliant, really, when you think about it. But, you can’t expect anything less from a superstar like Jay Leno!”

  • Mime Silenced

    OMIGAWD! I think I killed a mime!!!
    I was on the corner waiting for a luxury sedan when a mime walks up (pretending like a strong wind was blowing) and starts giving me grief about having a clown in my lap–see, the angry mime’s a regular Lint Screen reader (he probably moves his lips as he does so) and he saw that picture of me with a clown in my lap (see below) and now he’s like really steamed because he thinks I like clowns way better than I like mimes and his wild gestures totally invade my personal space so what else can I do but pretend to pull out my imaginary semi-automatic (I have a right to bear imaginary arms) and give him a clip-full of reasoned debate and what-for and he falls to the ground and starts bleeding like Crazy McDaisy and I don’t think it’s pantomime bleeding cuz the sidewalk is all icky and I get scared and run down the street screaming and flailing my arms and now I’m huddled here in the J.K. Rowling section of the library shivering like a leaf of cabbage in a freezer with my laptop nestled in my lapal region wondering if I’m a stark raving killer who’s destined for resers in the crossbar motel and so I’m begging you PLEASE scrape together some bail $$$ cuz I think I’m gonna need it cuz I might have just killed me a mime, which I think is against the law…

  • Pelosi Knocks Boehner on Noggin, Makes HIm Cry

    That mean ol’ Nancy Pelosi gave Johnny Boehner what-for!
    Newly installed Speaker of The House, John Boehner, cried like a little girl after being walloped on his noodle by outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

    The outgoing Speaker traditionally passes the gavel to the incoming Speaker, but yesterday it was spiced with Three Stooges-like antics.

    Ms. Pelosi motioned as if to calmly pass the gavel to Mr. Boehner, then suddenly poked two fingers in his eyes and walloped him on the skull with the comically-large wooden mallet. She blurted out a Curley Howard “Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk”, dropped to the ground and began running in place as she rotated her body in a circle.

    Mr. Boehner, taken completely by surprise, began sobbing uncontrollably.

    “Oh, it were somethin’,” said an old coot House Representative. “I been ’round these parts longer than skunks had stink, but I ain’t never seen nothing like what that trickster Pelosi did to that cryboy Boehner. She gave him what-for but good, she did,” said the politico as he danced a jaunty little jig. “This new Congress is goin’ to be awful entertainin’, I reckon,” he said as he spat some tobacky into a nearby spittoon.