The media has won its war on pushing the narrative that social media was responsible for the toppling of the 30 year rule of Hosni Mubarak in Egypt.
“It was a long, tough battle,” said an anonymous source with a large news organization, “but we think we were finally able to sell this idea of the power of Facebook to the public. Even though less than 20% of Egypt has internet access, we’ve been able to promote the incredible power of social media. This is very important to new organizations like ours because more and more we want to rely on the public for our news-gathering, reporting and opinion pieces. Crowdsourcing is simply a much more affordable way for us to run our news operations. We’re using a lot more social commentary for our content for one simple reason: Joe six-pack and Jane goatskin-of-Boone’s-Farm-wine work a lot cheaper than expensive liberal arts-educated journalists with their fancy cargo pants and no-iron shirts.”
While the news organization official admits that poverty, oppression and high unemployment were factors in the Egyptian revolution, those age-old societal problems did not fit with the ‘21st century social media-as-the-new-power‘ narrative being promoted by major news outlets.
“Look– hunger, poverty, oppressive government and hopelessness are timeless sparks to incite revolution. They’re like the greatest hits of revolt in history, but there’s no news angle there. We needed some pazazz! Now, you add in the influence of Facebook, and well, sir, you’ve got yourself a bonfire of news appeal because everyone’s on Facebook and they want to feel good about the fact they spend countless hours every day posting pictures of kittens or kids or love poems to their morning coffee. Hey, we all want to believe that the same tool that helps us share cute moments of life can be used to “LIKE” a revolution and topple a corrupt leader! That’s the power of the social network and a successful news narrative that drives down operating costs. “
Won’t you help buy lil’ Chris a shirt to wear? Amid the turmoil of the sudden resignation of Republican New York Congressman Chris Lee comes shocking new revelations.
While early reports were that the 46-year old married father resigned his position as a result of a recently released photo of himself shirtless that appeared along with a flirtatious message in response to a woman’s Craigslist ad, new allegations offer a surprisingly different take.
An anonymous source close to Mr. Lee reports that the politician resigned not because of allegations of immoral behavior, but rather because of the shame suffered by the public display of his extreme poverty.
“The simple fact is that Chris Lee could not afford a shirt. Has not been able to afford one for some time. He had found a fancy phone on the street and accidentally snapped a picture of himself. That picture somehow ended up on Craigslist. Again, it was not Mr. Lee’s phone and he obviously did not know how the modern contraption worked. Apparently he also had accidentally typed some message. When the revealing picture was made public, the congressman felt such embarrassment and shame at his obvious poverty, he resigned his position so as not to become a damaging reflection on the economic state of his constituents in upstate New York. He is a very proud man and a true patriot!”
Some concerned citizens have started a fund to raise money to purchase Mr. Lee shirts.
Others have suggested the government provide him a federally-financed shirt purchasing fund.
As the world prepares for the greatest game in the history of the world, the earth also prepares to watch the bestest commercials ever aired on planet earth.
Not to overstate the case, but this Sunday night’s Super Bowl broadcast will be the defining moment of civilization.
In preparation, here are VI little known facts about some famous Super Bowl commercials of the past.
I. The “Mean Joe Green” spot for Coca-Cola was originally written for comedian Shecky Green. In the spot, Shecky is followed by a young fan after performing in Las Vegas. The kid offers the yuckster a Coke. Shecky resists, sees that the kid is upset, takes the bottle and chugs it. As the kid walks away, Shecky tosses him his microphone as a gift. Later it was decided that the commercial should take a more ‘football slant’ and Mean Joe Green of the Pittsburgh Steelers was cast. A little known fact: Shecky and Joe are NOT related.
II. Apple’s “1984” spot never aired. Steve Jobs merely thought about it and we all saw it.
III. McDonald’s “The Showdown” commercial using Larry Bird and Michael Jordan in a shoot-out for a Big Mac and fries showed the basketball stars making incredibly impossible shots. The shots were real, but it took 134,824 takes to get them. The basketball stars demanded the behind the scenes story never be revealed to save their fragile egos and reputations.
IV. The Tabasco Sauce exploding mosquito commercial almost never aired due to extensive protests from the SPCBSI (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blood Sucking Insects). When vats of hot oil were dumped on protestors outside Tabasco headquarters, they agreed the commercial was O.K. to air.
V. The famous Bud Bowl spots were rigged. Bud Light always covered the spread and bookies made huge profits on the vig. When Budweiser demanded Bud Light be tested for steroids, the Bud Bowl quickly disappeared before a scandal started.
VI. Go Daddy uses sexy girls to grab attention. Seriously.
Come back to The Lint Screen on Monday, February 7 for our annual wrap-up critique of all the spots aired in the 2011 Super Bowl– and let the debating begin!
The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom: Meeeow!Yale Professor Amy Chua’s recently published book The Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother about raising children ‘the Chinese way’ now has a yang to its yin: The Battle Hymn of The Kitten Mom by American homemaker Sheila Burblang.
Burblang, the mother of three children ages eleven, nine and five, lives in Alemeda, California and became incensed when she saw Chua on a talk show discussing her book.
“Here was this Asian lady talking about not letting her kids have sleepovers, watch TV, play video games or do nothing but study hard, play pianos and violins and get straight A’s in school, said Burblang. “That may be the Chinese way, but it’s time someone stood up to raising kids the American way. So I wrote my book.”
Here are some excerpts.
“Poor Jimmy is bummed. All his friends are getting PS3’s and we still have an Xbox. ‘I’m tired of the crappy graphics on this dinosaur!’ Jimmy shouted while we were having dinner the other night. ‘Why can’t I ever get anything good?!’ I talked it over with my husband and it looks like someone will be getting an early birthday present!”
“Lisa woke up this morning and didn’t feel like going to school. ‘What’s wrong, precious angel?’ I asked. ‘The teacher keeps trying to make us learn really hard stuff,’ she began sobbing. ‘Well, honey, it will get easier, you’ll see. You just have to do your best and make mommy and daddy very proud!’ She began crying hard and shouting that she had the worst life ever! Then, she threw a book at my head. I felt so badly for her that I told her it might be a good sick day for her. I called the school and explained that she was ill. I’m looking into getting a tutor for the poor little thing– I don’t want our five year old to feel defeated!”
“Thomas is really upset with his baseball coach, and I can’t say that I blame him. The man is an overbearing tyrant!!! At yesterday’s game, Thomas hit a pop-up toward the first baseman. Thomas figured it was an easy out so he dropped his bat and went back to the dugout swearing because he felt the pitcher cheated him by throwing the ball where Thomas wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, the kid playing first base dropped the ball, then tripped on his shoes on the way to first, stepped on the base and then dropped the ball again but the catcher ran up and got the ball and stepped on first base so Thomas was out. WELL, the coach was upset at Thomas because he thought that if Thomas had run out the hit, he would have had an easy single since the clumsy first baseman dropped the ball. Well, Thomas got really angry because he said that the coach had been trying to crush his spirit ever since Thomas came on the team and Thomas wasn’t going to allow some washed-up adult wannabe-athlete bruise his ego and self confidence with his never- ending criticism and riding his butt over tiny things like having to do stupid things like run out every hit. Thomas threw a bat at the coach and stormed out of the dugout. I felt so sorry for Thomas, we stopped at Dairy Queen on the ride home and got him a big banana split and onion rings!!! Tomorrow I’m going to complain to the league commissioner about that mean coach and see if I can’t get him fired! I’m also going to stop by the trophy shop and see if I can just buy Thomas a big baseball trophy so he doesn’t have to deal with all this hyper-competitive crap!”
“Jimmy brought home his report card today. He got one B, three C’s and two D’s. I told him we were very proud of his B and that the C’s prove he’s an average kid– although we think he’s WAY ABOVE AVERAGE!!! But then I asked him to kindly PLEASE see if he couldn’t do something about raising those two D’s a little bit. Well, Jimmy got furious and threw his new PS3 controller at me. It broke into pieces so now we’re going to have to get a new one… plus, I had to get six stitches in my forehead and goodness knows how much the insurance is going to cover!!! Jeesh, parenting spirited children in a tough job…”
President Hu appears to have a case of heart burn and getting burned!President Barack Obama is one smooth and shrewd operator.
There was much mystery shrouding the small private dinner Obama held with China’s President Hu Jintao on Tuesday evening. The beltway was abuzz with who was attending and what the purpose was of the dinner held the day before an official state dinner. Now it has been revealed: the private dinner was about relieving a whopping $850 billion debt the United States owes to China!
Anonymous sources report that Tuesday’s private dinner included Hu, Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, actor Sally Kellerman, magician Doug Henning and Canadian rocker Geddy Lee of Rush. “It was a dream team of celebs and interesting personalities.”
“The menu was fabulous. Tossed green salad with iceberg and romaine lettuces, cherry tomatoes, sliced cukes, walnuts and dried craisins with a thick coat of Kraft French dressing. There were Pepperidge Farm rolls, too! The main course was tender beef tenderloins, green bean casserole topped with fried onions and those small seasoned potatoes. For dessert, pound cake slices loaded with strawberries and Cool Whip! It was an incredible feed, but the best part is what happened after dinner as Geddy Lee started performing a killer acoustic version of Tom Sawyer.”
“Obama coyly turned to Hu and told him what a gas it was to have him over, then he slipped the Chinese leader a bill for $850,000,000,000.00! He told Hu that in America we have a saying– ‘there’s no such thing as a free lunch.’ The President tells Hu that saying holds doubly true for dinner, so Hu owes us $850 billion for his tasty meal. Bam! Hu looked like he was about to die. He was one livid dude. Obama got him but good!”
The Obama ploy will erase a large portion of the U.S. debt to China. Sources say the President next plans to invite Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama of Japan to dinner.
Jay’s in a vulnerable place; emotionally combustible even!Comedian and NBC Tonight Show host Jay Leno is tired of being played for the heavy.
Following Howard Stern’s recent admission to chat show host Piers Morgan that he did not like Leno “personally or professionally,” Jay began to cry like a child who is saddened by harsh criticism from Howard Stern.
“You’ve got to understand this about Jay Leno,” said a spokesman for the star, “he is a mega-talent who wants unconditional love from everyone. If he stabbed you in the back, he still wants you to love him for being a stepping stone for his ego and admit that you’ve been stabbed by the absolute best ever.”
To combat his negative perceptions, Leno plans to become “friends” with many of his adversaries. The spokesman reports that Leno has joined a new website on the internet called Facebook that allows people to openly pledge their friendships by requesting to “friend” one another. Leno has sent friend requests to Howard Stern, Conan O’Brien and David Letterman.
“Jay is confident that he can weasel his way back into the public’s heart by becoming friendly with his so-called enemies. It’s brilliant, really, when you think about it. But, you can’t expect anything less from a superstar like Jay Leno!”
