The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Red Carpet Dish

Written by

PD Scullin

in

The place to be tonight is running your feets here!
This is where your feet want to be tonight because this is where Hollywood royalty does the perp walk before prostrating themselves before the fatted golden little man named Oscar and anyone who is anyone is totally here and as glammed-up as thirsty angels going out on a Saturday night bender and look who’s coming now– it’s Natalie Portman of Black Swan fame and she is gorgeously decked-out in a pink taffeta tutu number with black fishnet stockings and purple plastic kneecap protectors and what’s that she’s eating– it’s planks of chicken tenders and she’s dunking them in a small bucket of cream gravy a servant is carrying and oopsie-daisy a glop o’ gravy just hit the red carpet and that is going to leave an awful greasy stain and who is this coming– why it’s True Grit’s own Jeff Bridges and he is gussied-up in a cowboy theme of leather chaps, no pants, and a red bandana tied ’round his neck and he has an eyepatch covering his right nipple and I think this may be the fashion statement of the evening but WAIT, here comes Helena Bonham Carter of The King’s Speech and she is gorgeous in an all white nurse’s outfit and bright red pumps but it looks like she’s tracking something all over the carpet and by the smell of it I think she may not have watched her step around her dogs, and oh my word here’s her leading man Kingy-poo, Colin Firth, and he apparently did not know that The Oscars are a formal affair– he’s wearing tattered jeans, a faded Led Zep tee and Crocs, oh, he must feel out of place but look who’s coming now– it’s bad boy Charlie Sheen and he smells like he has been partying for days and oh my goodness, he’s making sick all over Melissa Leo’s gown and the red carpet and here comes The Situation from Jersey Shore drinking red wine from the bottle and fortunately he has been tasered and the wine has spilled all over the carpet, that stain will never come out, and the cops are dragging him away in handcuffs, oh I wish you could see the action here on the red carpet– it is SOMETHING but I am going to have a long night trying to get this red carpet clean again…

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Comments

10 responses to “Red Carpet Dish”

  1. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    So happy you were there to cover the event and also clean the red carpet, which I think Charlie Sheen should help you do as the first of many hours of community service.

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    Thanks, Curvin. I don’t know what he had for dinner, but it won’t come out of carpet!

  3. admin Avatar
    admin

    I feel like Lady MacBeth here– out damned spots!

    Club soda, baking soda, Woolite, Dawn, vinegar, Resolve, steam, Chem-Dry, Joe Campanelli’s Stain Remover Professional Formula– NOTHING is working on this red carpet!!!

    This is NOT the glamorous side of Hollywood.

  4. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Get Berta (Conchata Ferrell) to help. She’s been cleaning up after him for years now. And now that the show is no longer in production, she could probably use the work.

  5. admin Avatar
    admin

    Thank goodness. You’re a saint and she’s an angel.
    But tell her to bring some serious elbow grease.
    These stains are like bad house guests– they refuse to leave!

  6. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    Don’t worry about the carpet. It gets sliced into squares and sold to celebrity lovers. If you act now you can get a 4″ piece mounted on a plaque and faux autographed by stardom for $136.95.

  7. admin Avatar
    admin

    But, Bill, the smell, THE SMELL!

    Think of the children! Think of their little noses!

    I’ll keep scrubbing, these stains have to come out sometime…

  8. Curvin O'Rielly Avatar
    Curvin O’Rielly

    Bill…
    Thanks for the tip. Where do I send my check?

  9. Bill Avatar
    Bill

    Plaques can be ordered directly from The Lint Screen. Please include your shipping address, requested celebrity autograph, and complete credit card information. For prompt delivery, submit your social security number, bank account codes and pins, and user name and password for any retirement accounts.

  10. admin Avatar
    admin

    Thanks, Bill. You’ll get your 2% commission as the checks roll in.

    As a bonus, I’ll throw in a personal swatch of carpeting (with minimal stains) and a signature that looks like Grpfd Hwdpov.

    Yes, it is suitable for framing.

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