The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • 12 WikiLeaks Blockbusters

    Someone vigorously denies always leaving the toilet seat up.
    Discerning newshounds do not wish to wade through the morass of the 250,000 leaked diplomatic cables posted recently by WikiLeaks, so the staff of The Lint Screen have selected the following choice morsels for your enlightenment and amazement.

    1. Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin is reported to frequently brush his teeth without first flossing. “It is an absolutely outrageous allegation,” says a source close to the Ruskie leader. “Mr. Putin always has minty-fresh breath and almost no tartar or plaque build-up. Obviously his dental hygiene is second to none!”
    2. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki leaves the seat up.
    3. Hillary Clinton thinks the best way to persuade Egyptian leaders is by using a stage whisper, winking and making occasional wild bird sounds.
    4. The secret handshake of Hamas involves elbows, ear wriggling and yogurt.
    5. Russia’s president, Dmitry Medvedev is allegedly afraid of moths and saber-toothed tigers.
    6. China isn’t buying “the check’s in the mail” explanation for the payback of U.S. debt. Officials say the government will soon try a new tact: “We’re going to claim that we’ve run out of checks and are waiting for new ones to arrive.”
    7. French president Nicolas Sarkozy reportedly is a bad french kisser. “He spits like a camel sucking on a lemon.”
    8. The spat between Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Saudi’s King Abdullah began years ago when the Iranian leader lent the King his CD of Led Zeppelin’s Houses of The Holy and it came back “looking like a cat used it as a scratching post.”
    9. Pakistan’s president Asif Ali Zardari rarely eats salads or collects Mardi Gras masks.
    10. The Afghan Taliban’s hygiene is not as good as one might think.
    11. The U.S. cables were downloaded when an security insider hacked into the top secret government security system by correctly guessing the password “1234.”
    12. WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is a bedwetter, according to angry government security figures.

  • Bristol & The Situation Cause End of Civilization

    What do you get when you cross The Situation with Bristol Palin?

    Absolutely nothing!

    The two pop culture icons appear together in a compellingly persuasive new PSA all about safe sex that has proven so effective, people no longer feel the need to have sex.

    Population experts fear the human race may soon become extinct as a result.

  • Outrage Over New TSA “Extra Security Candid Photos”

    The American air-traveling public was upset enough over enhanced TSA pat-down checks and body scans, but now its ire is on full boil with new ‘extra security candid photos’ being enacted in airports nationwide.

    Select travelers are taken into a private security areas where they are asked to disrobe, and in some cases wear revealing costumes, so that they can be photographed by TSA shutterbugs.

    “I can’t believe what they did,” said Mandy Ginhuttin, a 28-year old mechanical engineer who was recently subjected to the new enhanced security check at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta.

    “The TSA guard escorted me to an area that was about the size of a department store dressing room. I was instructed to disrobe and change into a revealing teddy outfit, from Victoria’s Secret, I think. I asked why, and they said it was a top secret security procedure. I did what they said, I was terrified. Then, some sleazy photographer came in and took a couple dozen pictures. He was saying rude things like, ‘Oh yeah, baby, that’s it– make love to the lens, that’s the stuff. Yeah, baby– I’m going to make you a star, sugar, a TSA star!’ After about ten minutes of posing, he told me I did great and I was cleared, I could get clothed and catch my flight. He said I might receive a follow-up call to take part in a video security project he was doing. He said that the film was being shot in some motel close to the airport. Frankly, it all seems pretty sleazy, not to mention suspicious.”

    Another woman, Juanita Vesquez, reported she was asked to don a tight-fitting nurse’s uniform for her photo session. “They told me that apparently a lot of terrorists were dressing in costumes and uniforms and that with my cooperation, they could build some sort of database. It didn’t make much sense to me, but they said I had to either do that or be subjected to an oil rub-down private security check with Yanni music playing in the background. That really creeped me out, so I decided to do the dress-up thing. I had a choice to wear either a nurse uniform, a Catholic school girl outfit or a cheerleader get-up. I think the whole thing was shady, and an incredible invasion of my privacy!”

    When asked about the new security procedure, TSA employees were mum but offered to give this reporter a pat-down with iron pipes if he didn’t move his big mouth along quickly.

  • Obama Considers Buying Ranch

    Obama may soon be growing brush to clear some brush.
    In an attempt to bolster his sagging approval ratings, President Barack Obama is reportedly giving serious consideration to buying a ranch.

    An anonymous source in Obama’s secret inner circle called “The Whispering Shadows of Secrecy And Skullduggery” said the story is absolutely true during a clandestine meeting with this journalist at a popular Washington, D.C. restaurant.

    “Obama’s been in Washington a couple years now,” said the source, “and he just can’t crack that darn bipartisan political nut. I mean, the democrats got hammered in the last elections. We need a huge ‘Hail Mary’ play, and the President thinks he’s got one.”

    The source quickly darted his eyes around the restaurant nervously, then hurridly applied gum spirits and a fake Van dyke beard to his face. He spoke in angel kiss-soft hushed whisper.

    Reagan puts in a good day’s work.

    “The President is an astute student of history and he’s been studying common traits of popular presidents of recent times. He believes he’s cracked the code for gaining favor with the American public: brush clearing.”

    The antsy man quickly reached into his suit jacket pocket and put on a pair of dark granny sunglasses. He continued his whispering but affected a Romanian accent.

    “Look, Ronald Reagan was an actor before he got into politics, right? So he naturally understood the importance of set design, wardrobe, props– the whole enchilada. What’s he do when approval ratings sag? He spends some time on a ranch clearing brush and voila, his popularity skyrockets! Genius, sheer genius!”

    The nervous source quickly donned an orange leather fedora hat with a long peacock feather propped out of the brim, darted his eyes about the room and continued in a whisper.

    W. knew the importance of clearing brush.
    “Now fast forward to George W. Bush’s two-term presidency. W. had his ranch near Crawford, Texas. He made 77 trips there over his eight years as president and spent all or part of 490 days there. That’s a lot of brush clearing, but he did it gladly to get out of the Washington bubble. Obama’s finally getting the message: the public likes a president who can clear him some brush!”

    The unnamed source quickly dove beneath the table and continued. “Once Obama gets his ranch, raises some brush and then clears same brush, well, look out. He’ll be a lock for a second term.”

    With that, the Washington insider began crawling in a serpentine pattern across the restaurant floor toward the door and vanished into the street, sticking this reporter with the check.

    Washington insiders definitely know how to play hardball.

  • Whisk Broom Elected Senator

    New Senator of Wisconsin!
    Yesterday’s dramatic election sent a strong message to Washington, D.C.: “Get outta here, you bums, we’re sick and tired of your infernal shenanigans– so much so that we’re going to send all kinds of looneys to replace you just to prove a point of how hacked-off we are!”

    And so it came to pass that a number of incumbents were tossed aside like yesterday’s spent coffee grinds in favor or radical “antiestablishment” candidates, including in one surprising upset, a whisk broom was elected the new Senator from the great state of Wisconsin.

    An actual whisk broom!

    “Originally, we put the whisk broom in the election as a joke,” said Marty Fingletreat, chairman of the Angry Tea Dumper Party, “but then it started doing really well in the polls. We knew this inanimate object might have a chance. So, we got some serious PAC money behind us to slam the broom’s opponent, and bippity-boo-scattamazoo– whiskers the broom won! What an incredible story, a true American tale. It’ll be interesting to see how it does in Washington. We’re already raising funds for whisk broom’s reelection.”

    And so is written a new chapter of American politics. Sweet dreams, citizens, sleep well.

  • Supreme Mud Slinging

    Politics is uglier than ever. Is it any wonder we have the finest politicians money can buy?

    This election season is unbearably tragic.

    Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court’s boneheaded ‘Citizen United’ decision earlier this year, corporations, unions, rich fatcats and special interest groups can dump untold fortunes into political campaigns and causes. And, they can do so under the cloak of secrecy with fake organizational names like The Coalition For Freedom And Justice To Preserve Our Constitutional Rights, or People for Protection Against Terror & Terrorists, or Citizens Who Truly Love The American Way of Life, or God’s People Fighting The Hidden Satanic Powers.

    All this money is used to make spots that plunge our political discourse to new depths of sleaze, muckraking and mud slinging. The spots flood the airwaves with copy points like…
    “Joe Doe says he wants to lower taxes, but he’s never denied that he hasn’t killed small children or strangled puppies with his bare hands…”
    “Tom Mutt claims to be a family man, but how do we know he doesn’t have three, four or even ten wives– with countless illegitimate children born out of wedlock? Can we really trust a man of unproven, questionable moral character to represent us in Washington?”
    “If Jane Duwayne is so concerned about balancing the state’s budget, why did she get slapped with stinging penalty overdraft charges to her checking account in 1998? Is this the sort of fiscally irresponsible behavior we want today? Can we really trust our financial future to someone who is so reckless she’s been penalized by big banks? And how do we know she doesn’t owe those big bankers more payback? Can we really afford to mortgage our future, and our children’s future on Jane Duwayne?”
    “Mike Tadpole says he’s a conservative Republican. But we have no idea if he voted for Obama, secretly loves Nancy Pelosi or is best friends with Harry Reid. And how do we know he’s not hiding bin Laden in his tool shed? Could that be the reason he’s never once talked about his tool shed in his campaigning? What’s Mike Tadpole hiding? Do we really want to find out?”

    Sadly, until some real campaign finance reform legislation is passed, which will be next to never since the money funding politicians won’t allow it, we’re stuck with our current freak show political process and airwaves clogged with mud. And all too often, the candidates and causes with the deepest pockets win. And exactly whose best interest do you think they’re beholden to?

    Pitiful. Can’t we do better?