The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Quran Not To Be Burned; Dick And Jane To Be Torched Instead

    Kids to be cast into fires of hell– where they belong!
    Gainesville, Florida Rev. Terry Jones has decided not to hold a public burning of copies of the Quran, the central religious text of Islam, on the ninth anniversary of 9-11. Instead, he now wants to burn copies of the classic textbook reader series “Dick and Jane.”

    “I’ve got the world’s attention and I’ve got to make a statement of some sort,” said the pastor mopping his brow with a silk kerchief. “I guess a lot of folks were upset I was going to torch the Quran, but I don’t think anyone will be upset when I send those promiscuous characters Dick and Jane straight into the fires of hell!”

    Rev. Jones says the books, many of which were mainstays of American education for well over 50 years, infiltrated young minds and turned them against all that is good and wholesome.

    “These books are disgusting. Dick galavants about in short pants, chasing after Jane, wearing her revealing short dresses and highly shined shoes,” said the irate preacherman. “These demented characters include a young innocent named Sally and introduce Spot the Dog and Puff the Cat. Who knows what sort of disgusting beastiality ensued! And what of Tim the Teddy Bear? I know what people do with stuffed animals. All these illicit shenanigans occur under the approving eyes of the ultra liberal promiscuous parents, referred to Mother and Father. What sort of parents are these?! Is it any wonder the kids who read these subversive texts grew up to become beatniks, hippies, slackers, grungers and other Satanic cretins who only care about smoking reefer cigarettes, shooting the heroin powder and getting whacked-out on the goofballs and bennies!”

    The preacher grew suddenly pensive. “I’ve got to burn something, I’ve got lots of matches.”

  • Single Tiger On Prowl for “Lucky Ladies”

    Tiger tries recalling the women of his championship seasons
    Recently divorced golf legend Tiger Woods is on the prowl for some old female companionship.

    A man who claims he knows Tiger very, very well and swears that he is not a liar, reports that the megastar golfer is frustrated with both his golf game and his love life. “When Tiger was married, he had ladies stashed all over the tour and his golf game was never better. Now, he’s divorced, been trying to be a good two-shoes and having troubles on the course. So, Tiger’s decided to start trying to remember which extracurricular woman he was with at which tournament–– because obviously she was his ‘lucky lady’ and that will help him to find his golfing groove. If he can just get back into his old routine, he’s confident he can get back into his winning ways and his march towards the record books as the greatest golfer ever, if not the greatest lovin’ golfer ever!”

    When asked about Tiger’s swing, the confidant became agitated. “Of course Tiger swings. What, have you been in a cave the past year?! Cripes a-loo, you must be an idiot!”

    Journalists are not uncaring robots. This reporter wept silently and walked away.

  • BP Blames Obama For Gulf Oil Spill

    Is this proof of clean waters in the Gulf of Mexico, or proof of a massive Presidential cover-up?!
    BP has found a new scapegoat for the April 20 Deepwater Horizon catastrophic explosion and oil spill–– President Barack Obama.

    Capitalizing on Obama’s slide in approval ratings, a BP company spokesperson said anonymously that the President’s recent swim in the Gulf with his daughter Sasha may have been a clever ploy to divert attention away from Obama’s culpability in being responsible for the oil spill.

    “Look, I’m not saying President Obama did cause the oil spill,” said the spokesperson, “but I am saying that his swimming in the gulf to prove that it’s clean is exactly the sort of stunt someone who did mastermind the horrific oil spill would have done to cover-up his dirty tracks. I mean, come on, everyone knows how smart the President is–– isn’t this just the kind of brilliant ploy you’d expect from a diabolical genius? And to make your cute daughter an accomplice, well, that is just sheer Alex Trebeck-kind-of-smart. Let’s face it, we’re not even sure if Obama is even a citizen of the U.S.A. or if he’s an Islamic terrorist or an insurance salesman–– who knows what evilness he’s capable of!”

    The spokesperson said BP would honor its commitment of $20 billion for cleaning up the oil spill. “We’re just good folks going a good job, and we’re more than happy to help people because we think people who need people are, well, the luckiest people in the world. And we’ll protect these people from the Obama monster.”

  • God & Guns

    A gun offers protection and makes a dandy bookmark.
    In Georgia, like many states, we seek protection against the devil and his kin.

    So, I’m happy to report we recently passed laws to make it legal to take your firearms with you to church. This means you can keep your sidearm close at hand as you rifle through the Good Book.

    It’s about time.

    Some say places of worship should be quiet, contemplative and peace-loving, but that’s just the way Satan likes to bait his hook. You’re sitting there with hands folded in prayer and SHAZAM, here comes some nutcase with an AK-47 who wants to kill everyone because his 8-track player broke while he was listening to Black Oak Arkansas or he thinks Glenn Beck told him to extract justice any way he sees fit. Well, Churchie McPeacie, there you are–– an easy target. You’re a sitting duck in a pew about to be bullet fodder!

    But if you’re packing heat, you can take that evil-filled varmint down toot-sweet and get back to asking God to go easy on the sixth commandment because it was self defense, after all. While you’re at it, you might ask if He’d givith you a few number tips for the PowerBall lottery, or some pony picks in an upcoming race.

    Pass the collection plate and pass the ammo, Sister!
    Guns in places of worship make perfect sense in these crazy times. But please, remember that silence is golden and also remember the golden rule.

    Kindly refrain from firing your guns into the ceiling when services are complete. It sends a bad signal.

  • Chelsea’s Shindig

    The happy loving couple done got hitched real good!
    I suppose it was kind of a big deal to be one of “Triple-A” guests invited to attend Chelsea Clinton’s fab $3 million wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, but if you’re invited you can’t exactly give the ol’ ‘hi-hat’, especially if you’re an F.O.B. and F.O.H.

    So, off to Rhinebeck, New York we went.

    For a wedding gift, we weren’t sure where the couple was registered so we went with the failsafe gift every newlywed couple needs and loves: an Oster Waffle Iron. As an added bonus, we gave a mouse pad with a cute illustration of a pelican and the clever saying “Who wants fish for supper? I do!”

    Cute, meet practical! You just can’t go wrong with the classics.

    Here are seven observations about the Clinton affair, er, Clinton daughter wedding.

    1. The ceremony was beautiful. The happy couple exchanged vows that included some lyrics from Air Supply songs, Dr. Phil books and helpful tips from Chilton Auto Repair Manuals.

    2. Some of the guests in attendance were surprising: Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls, Burt Reynolds, Mary Cheney, Jack Klugman, Eminem, The San Diego Chicken, Marion Barry, James Gandolfini, Paula Dean, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin, Jon “Bowzer” Bauman from Sha Na Na, Donald Sutherland, Seve Ballesteros and Ron Popeil.

    3. I think $3 million would get you better fare than rigatoni and meatballs, tossed salad, green beans and steamship round beef with mini rolls. The Pepperidge Farm cookies were a nice touch though.

    4. Having a cash bar seemed a little tight-fisted also. I suppose most of the $3 million went into wedding planning. Those people are pricey.

    5. The cake was magnificent; I’m thinking Duncan Hines at the least. Only problem was that the decorator couldn’t spell and wrote Congradulations instead of Happy Wedding Day, Y’all!”

    6. It may have been the wildest hokey-pokey and chicken dances I’ve ever seen. That Bill Clinton can cut him some rug, and Hillary doing the limbo– classic!

    7. A good time was had by all, except Ron Popeil. Apparently he wasn’t the only one giving a Showtime Rotisserie for a wedding gift.

  • Hayward: Headhunter Catnip

    Now that BP has officially decided to dump CEO Tony Hayward almost 100 days following the Deepwater Horizon catastrophic oil spill, the British executive is updating his resume and preparing to attack the job market.

    Like a chess master, Hayward contemplates his next move.
    “I reckon the world will be my oyster,” said a confident Hayward sipping champagne from a 24-Karat solid gold jewel-encrusted chalice on his yacht, “and I plan to slurp it down my gullet and spit out a perfect pearl.”

    Asked what his particular strengths are, Hayward became reflective then gushed, “I suppose my strongest suit is my ability to connect with people. I understand human nature and how commoners think. I am unique in my chameleon-like dexterity to adapt to the thinking process of neanderthals and serve up whatever drivel will appease the masses. It’s a gift, actually, my uncanny knack for relating to the lower classes.”

    “I’m also quite gifted at cutting costs. I can size up any business quickly and immediately see where the fat lies, then make the tough decisions to trim away the fat leaving nothing but lean, muscular profits. For example, I’d be a perfect CEO for British Airways. I suspect they waste hundreds of millions of pounds on silly things like maintenance and servicing aircraft. I’d see to it that the company shored-up its operations and eliminated expenses like routine maintenance in favor of only fixing things when they fail. This would take the saved expenses directly to the bottom line where they would blossom into sweet, beautiful, magnificent profits. I could do the same thing for just about any business. Nuclear power plants? No need for costly inspections, simply stay the course and keep your fingers crossed. If things go all squiffy, then fix it. But why turn profits into expenses before you have to? It’s not terribly good business. It’s this kind of innovative thinking, along with a firm philosophy of paying good money for lobbyists and politicians, that make me a premier executive any company would be lucky to have at the helm!”

    Mr. Hayward will be available for new employment opportunities in October.