The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Resolutions Fail, Government Blamed

    Millions of Americans are upset because their New Year’s resolutions have failed already, not even one full week into 2010.

    “I swore I was going to drop 140 pounds,” said 295 pound Paul Obsurlk of Destin, Florida, “but I stepped on the scale today and I’ve gained three pounds. It’s just not right and I blame Obama!”

    Proof that his government failed him.

    Kim Wrallings of Beechgrove, Tennessee vowed to quit smoking on New Year’s eve, but she lit-up shortly after waking on New Year’s day. “It was like I was totally helpless,” she said lighting a cigarette off the burning ember of the one she had been smoking. “All Obama talked about when he was running was ‘hope’ and I was hoping to quit. I feel betrayed, and when I feel betrayed I smoke even more,” the angry woman said flicking her lighted butt into this reporter’s face.

    In Nampa, Idaho, Will Benttonfir blames the federal government for his failure to become a marathon runner. “I swore I’d run a marathon in 2010, but when I went out on January 1 and ran to the end of the block, I threw my cookies into a neighbor’s mailbox. I’m not up for 26 miles of that kind of pain and misery. Frankly I expected more from Washington. A lot more.”

    Paul Flaxmoor of Manlius, New York also blames politicians for his woes. “I was going to be a big lottery winner and get out of the hellhole of a job I’ve got. But I haven’t won diddly-squat and I’m and really disappointed in our elected officials.”

    When asked how much money Flaxmoor had spent on lottery tickets, the 61-year old salesman became livid. “Tickets? What do you mean ‘tickets?’ Don’t go talking to me about technicalities!” With that, the angry man slugged this reporter in the gut.

  • Tiger Thanks Terrorist

    Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the 23-year old Nigerian terrorist who tried blowing up a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas day, has received a fruit basket from a newfound fan: Tiger Woods.

    A sweet little something for terror dude from his new fan.
    Woods is appreciative to the terrorist wannabe for grabbing headlines and diverting attention away from Tiger’s numerous sexcapade scandals that have dominated the 24-hour news cycle since Thanksgiving.

    “Tiger is a generous man,” said a spokesperson who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution and broken limbs. “He needed someone to take the heat off him and this pants-on-fire dude fit the bill perfectly. Tiger’s hoping he gets all the spotlights and ink he can stand.”

    In addition to the lovely fruit basket (complete with pears, apples, oranges and other fancy fruits– plus little Dove chocolates), Tiger included an autographed 8″ x 10″ glossy along with some very candid shots of a few of his lady friends.

    “Tiger is a extremely generous man,” the silent spokesperson said. “Please don’t tell him I said anything. Please!”

  • TSA Wants Underwear

    Arrive 6-8 hours before your scheduled flight for new underwear check. Please bring clean undies.
    In response to the recent attempt by Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab to blow up an aircraft with explosives he had concealed in his underwear, the TSA has announced new security regulations that include the removal of underwear and shoes before going through airport X-ray machines.

    “We know it won’t be convenient,” said Chester Wilchoy, Sr. Officer of Being More Safer, “but it’s what we’ve got to go to nip this problem in the ol’ budderooski.”

    In response to an attempted shoe bombing of an aircraft on December 22, 2001, TSA enacted regulations for all passengers to remove their shoes to be X-rayed. While passengers griped at first, they quickly became compliant sheep. The TSA expects similar response to the new underwear regulation.

    “Yes, people will bellyache at first,” said Mr. Wilchoy, “and some folks will be embarrassed to strip down and place their undergarments in the plastic tray, but they’ll get used to it by and by. I mean, come on, let’s be mature about this. The Lord gave us birthday suits and we shouldn’t feel shame to wear them or pose for pictures in them.”

    When asked how the TSA officials will handle those people who go ‘commando’, Mr. Wilchoy dropped to one knee, removed his gun from his holster and pointed it at the frightened reporter. “Commando sounds like terrorist trouble to me,” he said. He then demanded the scared journalist slip into something a bit more naked.

  • Lonely No More

    Cheer up, Gloomy Gus– Homeland Security’s your pal!
    Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the 23-year old Nigerian man who attempted to bomb an American plane on Christmas day, was very lonely according to recently discovered online postings he made between 2005 -2007. Speculation is that the young man’s loneliness may have made him vulnerable and susceptible to following Al Qaeda orders to blow up an American jumbo jet. But Homeland Security officials have lept into action to curb the threat of future lonely bombers.

    Effectively immediately, all TSA employees will engage passengers in conversation and offer to give them a back rub to ease pre-flight tensions. “We’re going to do whatever it takes to engage every passenger and make them feel like they have a friend and life is worth living and they shouldn’t blow up aircraft,” said an unnamed source in the Homeland Security Department. “If that means taking them to a nearby carnival and buying them some cotton candy, caramel apples or a pony ride, we’ll do it. We want to make sure everyone feels loved and accepted for who they are and that they have a friend in the TSA. Oh, it may take a little longer to get through airport security, but in times like these we all need to be willing to make sacrifices.”

    Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who is the youngest of 16 children, may have felt unloved and misunderstood by his parents. “It’s quite common for the 16th child to have loneliness issues,” said noted child psychologist Dr. Raymond G. Lillymutton, “they do not get the love and devotion that the first 15 children receive, so they naturally crave attention. The kind of attention terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda are so good at providing– what with their secret handshakes, explosive yet surprisingly comfortable undergarments and easy martyrdom program. It’s the kind of package designed to appeal to someone with 16th child loneliness issues.”

  • An Open Letter to Tiger

    Dear Tig:

    Heard you’re in a bit of a stew with the ol’ ball ‘n chain. Sorry, dude– stuff happens, you know?

    One time my wife got angry with me because I had put a thin coat of Vaseline on the kitchen floor before this big party we were hosting. I did it because Vaseline makes hard woods shine like glass. Well, our clumsy friends slid all over the place and a couple of them fell and broke some bones and smacked their noggins on countertops.

    Fortunately, Vaseline protects against blood spills and stains.

    I had to haul people to the emergency room and everything– clumsy idiots! Long story short, I took the rap for what she called “the world’s stupidest idea” and my ZIP Code was the doghouse for a good stretch. Jeesh, louise!

    All of this is to relate to you that marriage is sometimes tougher than ten year old Sugar Babies, and like a marital tussle, you might end up with a chipped tooth, or two.

    I guess your wife got upset because you apparently were out of town and ‘forgot’ you were married and had relations with ‘temporary wives.’ Bad idea, buddy. Most wives don’t allow their hubbies to engage in hanky or panky. No wonder your wife went cattywonkers.

    Now your high-paying sponsors are dropping like flies in a fog of Black Flag, you’re off the golf circuit and a different new Tiger scandal pops up in the press daily. You’ve gone from the world’s first billionaire athlete to King Cad-Schmuckyton.

    It’s like some great Shakespeare tragedy. Sad. So sad, so very sad.

    So, what I was wondering is since you’re not doing much of anything anyway, would you mind giving me some golf lessons for $5 an hour?

    Let me know. Thanks, dude.

    I could have the answer to your prayers...
    I could have the answer to your prayers…

  • Sad Fruitcake

    What’s it like to roam the earth in search of acceptance, love and the occasional bite?

    Frankly, it sucks.

    Confessions of a lonely fruitcake from Ames Scullin O'Haire on Vimeo.

    Learn more of this tragic tale @ http://www.fruitcakediaries.com