The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Obama Bumped By Leno

    President Jay Leno promises to get higher ratings and more sponsor support– while having a blast!
    In a surprising move, President Barack Obama will soon be replaced by comedian Jay Leno.

    Obama has been contending with declining approval ratings recently, and it is hoped Leno can bring back some viewers and sponsor support.

    “Jay’s a dynamo,” said Phil Westerkin, an avid TV viewer, “he’s just so funny you can’t help but like him to see what sort of wacky shenanigans he might get into. I about bust a gut every time I see him!”

    Obama spokespeople expressed disappointment in the decision. “We were promised four years when we got the presidency,” said a high ranking cabinet official, “we just needed a little more time to build our audience. Our lawyers are checking the contract. We may fight it.”

    Obama takes the news hard.

    Leno is elated at the news of his appointment. “I’m a pretty lucky guy. I never thought I’d grow up to host the Tonight Show, and shazam, I’m hosting. I never thought I’d become president, but, here I am, President! It’s been a wild, wild ride and I think I can give the people what they want. My first week in office I’m going to book Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Larry the Cable Guy, Senator Harry Reid and musical guest, James Blunt. It’ll be great.”

    Obama is rumored to be talking to both Fox and ABC about new shows, possibly being teamed with Conan O’Brien.

  • New Apple Tablet A Shocker

    Not exactly what people had been expecting from Steve Jobs.
    With the announcement by Steve Jobs of Apple’s new tablet device just minutes away, The Lint Screen has learned the gizmo will have a definite retro feel.

    “The designers at Apple were getting tired of the sleek, modern look for devices,” said a Cupertino insider, “so they went for something a bit more classic. The tablet is made of stone and weighs 42 pounds.”

    The device will come complete with a hammer and chisel. “From a technological standpoint, it’s pretty radical. It doesn’t even require a power source or software.”

    Soon we’ll see if this rumor is true, and also the rumor that Steve Jobs will be wearing a blue knit shirt and black jeans.

    Be still our collective breath!

  • Political Parties Dissolve, Sponsorship Evolves

    As a result of the recent Supreme Court ruling permitting unlimited election finance support of politicians and political causes by corporations, unions and special interest groups, the venerable Democratic and Republican parties are dissolving in favor of direct politician sponsorship.

    This means that soon you may see politicians carry designations like, Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, MetLife, FreedomWorks, Boeing, AMA, Bank of America, NEA, Lockheed Martin, KBR, Novartis, General Electric, Citi and DuPont.

    Politicians scramble to find corporate sponsors.
    “Thank goodness for this new ruling,” said a senior senator who demanded anonymity, “we can finally do what we’ve been doing for years– sucking from the corporate teat and letting them guide our hands in writing legislation they can profit by. Now we can do it without the charade of having to debate issues and causes with arcane notions like justice and equality. We can openly allow corporate fascism to rule enabling us to better serve our corporate overlords without the hindrance of the so-called people. Sure, we need them for their votes, but that’s about it. After the election, they just get in the way of things. There’s no need for people in a democracy like ours.”

    Asked if this new corporate sponsorship will be like NASCAR sponsorship– with large corporate logos displayed on uniforms, the senator responded angrily, “Don’t be preposterous. That would be tacky. We’ll simply wear lapel pins with tasteful logos to show our sponsor support. We’re not whorish shills, you know.”

    Financial companies are elated with the new ruling. “Now we can really help the country with some of our innovative financial ideas,” said a high ranking official who threatened death to this reporter if his identity was disclosed. “Years ago we had to maneuver and work backroom deals to get things like the Glass-Steagall Act overturned. That allowed us to gamble with the housing market finances. Now we don’t have to be so secretive, we can be open about lining the pockets of lawmakers to get laws that favor us without bothersome government oversight or restrictions. If our financial ideas fail, who cares– taxpayers will bail us out. The Supreme Court’s recently ruling ensures a much more transparent buying of politicians, and frankly, what could be more American than that?”

    With that, the Wall Street bigwig lit a Cuban Monte Cristo cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and exclaimed, “Hrrrrummmph!”

  • Man Bored By Meeting

    In a stunning development, M. Carl Hurlybubb of Decatur, Georgia, reports he recently participated in a business meeting that he found “boring.”

    Occupational hazard: boredom leads to naughty barnyard animal thoughts.
    “My team gathered to touch base and get in the loop with one another. Our deliverable was to spitball some ideas and think outside the box to generate some win-win situations that we could later take offline and leverage to reap the rewards of maximizing potential ROI opportunities. Bottom line, at the end of the day was that right, wrong or indifferent, we were looking to have some positive impact vis a vis our business situation and be able to apply some metrics to their success in the consumer centric marketplace. Our intent was to go the extra mile and create some synergies that could be baked into fast tracking positive results that might advance the ball and move the chains so we could eventually put some points on the board. Unfortunately, though, I was not able to track with all the varied dialogue around the subject and became bored in hour seven of our nine hour pow-wow. I felt awful about that.”

    Mr. Hurlybubb reports he “doodled” and allowed his mind to wander during the meeting. “I confess I imagined some of my team members to be disrobed and acting like certain breeds of barnyard animals. I’m not proud of this. I’m afraid I lost focus and let my team down.” He promised to do better in the future.

  • Pols Protest x-Ray Porn

    Yes, he’s packing heat, but he’s also packing naughty bits!

    Washington politicians are lighting their torches, waving pitchforks in the air and giving loud angry mob grumbles to protest total body scanning x-Ray equipment being used as a safeguard against terrorists.

    These technologically advanced machines are currently installed in many airports and are being proposed for many more as an effective weapon in the war on terror. No one disputes the ability of these machines to show weapons and potentially dangerous devices, but they also show more.

    Gun, what gun? Va va va voom!
    “Oh, they do a marvelous job of showing who’s a threat and who’s not,” said a Senator from a state with four letters (but not “Iowa”), “but they also show what a person looks like buck naked, and that’s something that just seems Satanically hot, evil and worth making some political hay over. And I intend to do just that!”
    The airport is now THE hot place to be.

    Although many politicians have been caught in saucy, sordid extramarital affairs thmselves, they will not stand idly by and allow the public to be scanned in airports in order to protect the very same public.

    “Some things are better left to the bedroom, provided the bedroom is in a state where you can do certain hot things legally,” said an unnamed Representative from a state whose flag features a lone star. “An airport is no place to know what people have going on beneath their clothes. Frankly, some of these images are so explicit I can imagine them ending up in dirty magazines, websites and nasty videos. Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff… I’m imagining it now, baby…. oh, yeah, scan it good, baby. Wait! Think of the children! For goodness sake, think of the children– one of our most precious assets, next to gold and diamonds. Why these explicit x-Rays may be a greater threat to the public than the terrorists they’re supposed to protect us from.” The politician stopped and became excited. “Hey, that’s a good sound bite,” he said as he danced, twirled and performed a full leg split. He shouted “I’m making the news tonight, I’m making the news tonight! Nah, nah, nah, nah nah!”

    We’ll see you at the airport… every sexy bit of you.

  • Enough Already

    Yes, I know traditional advertising is supposed to be dead.

    Yes, I know 76% of people say they don’t trust or believe advertising (but I don’t believe them– no one wants to admit his/her opinion can be swayed by anything).

    Yes, I know the consumer is king/queen/ruler of their media universe.

    But for God’s sake, will advertisers please cut it out with the gonzo guerrilla tactics, lame product placements, ham-fisted promo/entertainment integration and convoluted tie-ins?!

    Using gospel music to sell Disney movies, praise be!
    I recently went to a Gospel Brunch at The House of Blues in Houston. The singers began pimping the new Disney movie “The Princess & The Frog” with free tickets and movie paraphenalia. It was like the gospel music was interrupting a big Disney commercial.

    Give me some of that old time traditional advertising–– I’m sick of the loopy promotional tie-ins everywhere. Especially sports.

    It’s just a matter of time until we’ll be watching a football game and hear commentators saying things like, “Anderson fumbles the ball and it’s another costly turnover. You know, Pepperidge Farm Turnovers never let you down with their delicious fruit fillings and flaky pastry crusts. Ummm, that’s some good eating on a hungry morning! Pepperidge Farm Turnovers, umm yum!”

    “And there’s the two minute warning. You know, in less than two minutes you can easily compare affordable Progressive Insurance rates with four competitors. Sweet sassafras, could it get any easier to save yourself some money on insurance?!”

    “It’s the Ford Focus third down. Third and three yards…”

    “There’s the snap–and Snapper mowers keep any lawn looking beautiful– the hand-off to Wilson, who gains four yards. If you want to keep your yard crabgrass-free, Ortho Weed-B-Gone does the job quickly and easily. Kill that crabgrass dead!”

    Look, just because you can put a promotional message somewhere doesn’t mean you should put a promotional message there.

    Brothers and sisters, can I get an “Amen” on this. (The previous “Amen” was brought to you by Disney’s The Princess & The Frog, showing at a theatre near you.)