The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Al-Cowda Threat Level Raised

    Surveillance cameras reveal Al-Cowda infiltration into the United States. Be afraid!
    The nation is girding its collective loins in response to new reports from The National Security Agency that Al-Cowda is posing a serious threat to the United States. The NSA has raised the security threat level from cool ‘n creamy soft amber to smokin’ hot, radiant pink.

    “We’re just worried sick,” said Deputy Administrator Thomas Dundstun, “our intelligence is showing a significant infiltration of bovine enemy combatants on American soil. We’re not sure if they’re mildly upset cows, somewhat angry cows or mad cows. But they pose a very real and dangerous threat to homeland security.”

    The NSA has captured pictures and video footage of cows being transported across state lines and in the parking lots of Cracker Barrels. “If these Al-Cowda agents are enjoying blueberry pancakes and crispy bacon, I fear for our way of life,” said Agent Edward Sustean. “If they’ve somehow managed to master opening small bottles of maple syrup with their hooves, I can’t imagine how much trouble they could cause if they set their evil minds to it. God help us all if they’re shopping in the Cracker Barrel gift shops. We could see a very real and serious shortage of Porter Wagner and Roger Miller CDs, not to mention candy sticks and adorable home decor bric-a-bracs!”

    If you see any suspicious bovine activity, scream your throat raw, flail your arms wildly, run and dig a deep hole to crawl into and take cover.

  • On Apathy

    I was going to write a diatribe about the appalling state of apathy that has gripped so many people these days, but then I thought– why bother?

    What’s it matter and who cares anyway?

  • Tea Baggers Embrace ESL

    Tea Baggers soon to adopt English!
    Members of the growing Tea Bagger movement have officially decided to adopt English as its second language.

    “We speak ‘Patriot’ which ain’t like no king’s English cuz we ain’t never bowin’ down to no king or no dadblum government official of any kind,” said Clem Burnsack, official Tea Bagger Party spokesman as he dropped his chin to his spit cup and expelled a brown river. He loaded another plug of tobacco and continued.

    “Now there’s some who say we don’t spell or grammar so good, but that’s just cuz we’re so mad we’re fixin’ to pop a gasket. We don’t want no politicians or government getting their greedy hands on our Medicare or Social Security checks. We earned ’em straight up and they’re ours! If it takes us getting some book learnin’ of the formalized English language to be better speakin’-like, well I reckon that’s what we’ll do. But not cuz the government wants us to! The government’s evil and needs to keep its mitts off my money.”
    Another patriot, Paul Wint, said that he thinks Tea Baggers are unfairly criticized for poor spelling and grammar. “It’s the government’s way of making us feel stupid and under-edjemecated. The government don’t like us home schoolerizing our kids cuz the government wants to brainwash their little heads with their government gobblygook and such. Others might study all this English crap, but I ain’t got no use for it. I speak Patriot, and if you don’t understand it I got me firearms that are understood in just about any language.” He pulled out a pistol, fired it into the air and danced a little jig.

  • Breathless on The Red Carpet

    Wish you were here and making the walk into heaven!
    Ohmigod, this is so amazing, I’m seeing more stars than Capt. James Kirk on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise at warp speed 5.4, look over there– J Lo, you go girl– and George Clooney, love you in E.R., and there’s that tall blue lady from Avatar— you were incredible sugar, glad goodness beat evil on Pandora, oh, and there’s Meryl Streep and she’s got Sandra Bullock in a headlock and is giving her face some fist kisses, and there’s Jeff Bridges and he’s got his bathrobe with a caucasian in hand, go, Dude, abide, and here’s Katheryn Bigelow and she’s wearing a bomb suit designed by Jason Wu, absolute stunning, and over there’s her ex-hubby, James Cameron who’s being carried into the theatre on a king’s throne– nice touch with the children tossing rose petals as he whips them lightly– oh, and lookit over there, Mo’Nique wearing nothing but a feather boa and a welder’s helmet, oh, wait, is that– yes it is, look–Ken Watchons, who did some amazing grip work on Precious, and behind him is what’s her name, you know, the really beautiful woman who was in that movie about the thing that happened that one time, you know, the one that’s in color–oh, I need a paper sack, I’m hyperventilating here…

  • Madoff Sues Inmate, Claims He Was “Cheated!”

    Scam artist Bernie Madoff is serving time while his lawyer is serving papers to a fellow inmate at Butner Federal Correctional Institution in North Carolina.

    Madoff dreamed of handsome returns on his investment.
    Madoff’s legal mouthpiece, Aaron Hubburrd, says his client was taken advantage of in an elaborate scheme by an unnamed prisoner serving time for fraud. “Mr. Madoff, an upstanding citizen of high moral character, entered into a good faith agreement with an unscrupulous inmate exchanging two packs of cigarettes a week for the promised eventual return of five packs of cigarette a week. Mr Madoff understood the arrangement to be a foolproof way to receive a handsome return on his investment. However, after months and cartons of cigarettes invested, Mr. Madoff’s dreams of nicotine riches have gone up in smoke– he received nothing in return. It is absolutely outrageous and frankly, scandalous, that such an immoral thing could happen in a place like this! When you look at the evidence, it is obvious Mr. Madoff was intentionally cheated and is entitled to justice. If we cannot find justice here, where can we?”

    With that, the attorney spat on the ground, pivoted abruptly and marched his $1,500 Testoni Norvegese shoes across the prison yard to catcalls. Guards reported later to have heard “Hrrrrumph!” sounded from his direction.

  • Oh, Lady Liberty!

    Why have you brought yourself to this? Standing on the corner, waving a sign to get attention; prostituting freedom to sell income tax services.

    The Lady takes to the streets. The shame of it all…

    You join the huddled masses of other mascots: the wiener in a bun, dancing taco dude, the purple gorilla, twirling condo sale sign guy and all the many mascots pimping their wares.

    May this economy recover quickly so that Lady Liberty can get off the street corners and back to being a beacon of freedom, carrying the torch of everlasting dignity and respectfulness. Amen.