The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • New Tiger Texts Revealed

    Do Tiger’s new texts prove he’s Hubby of The Year? Could be. The guy’s a gem!
    Tiger Woods has been combatting a flurry of bad press concerning the explicit text messages he allegedly sent porn star Joslyn James over a nine week period last year during their alleged torrid sexual affair. In a surprising development, just before the Masters Golf Tournament, someone in Tiger’s inner circle of confidants has leaked a new set of texts allegedly sent by Mr. Woods to an unnamed person that may prove the world’s greatest golfer is a lovesick husband devoted to his wife– not some perv creepazoid. The anonymous source said Tiger would be greatly upset if these texts were made public, but, the associate feels the truth is more important than Tiger’s fragile feelings.

    Here are the newly released texts.

    Tiger:Sent: 1:06 PM 8/4/2009:
    Been thinking a lot about breakfast cereals. Think I like Frosted Flakes best– could be the whole Tiger feeling bro-love for Tony The Tiger LOL Froot Loops is a close second.

    Tiger:Sent: 1:07 PM 8/4/2009:
    Changed my mind. Froot Loops is da bomb. Frosted Flakes make my teeth hurt. Too sweet!

    Tiger:Sent: 1:08 PM 8/4/2009:
    Who am I kidding? I mix Frosted Flakes WITH Froot Loops. I call it “Tiger’s Tony The Tiger Froot Loopty-Doo Mash-Up!”

    Tiger:Sent: 2:03 PM 8/4/2009:
    I love my wife so much;-) I would never ever cheat on her. EVER!

    Tiger:Sent: 8:16 PM 8/5/2009:
    Cantalope or honeydew for morning melon? Cantalope for me. But not if it’s too ripe. If it’s mushy, it’s in the garbage. Tiger don’t play that. End of discussion.

    Tiger:Sent: 10:06 AM 8/10/2009:
    I sure do love my wife a whole bunch. Gonna send her flowers, candy, box of diamonds and a luxury SUV with premium sound system. Maybe even a crate of Omaha Steaks!

    Tiger:Sent: 7:06 AM 8/14/2009:
    Was thinking about that guy Marconi who invented the radio, and how close his name was to ‘macaroni’, but he didn’t invent THAT cuz everyone knows it was done by Yankee Doodle Dandy sticking a feather in his hat and everything. Hey, I love my wife!

    Tiger:Sent: 5:43 PM 8/16/2009:
    Before I putt, I like to think about how much my wife means to me:-} Man, I love that woman! Makes me wanna write poetry…

    Tiger:Sent: 9:11 PM 8/20/2009:
    Fidelity is important in sound systems and marriage. I’m as true fidelity to my wife as possible, and that ‘sounds’ like the key to a long, successful, divorce-free marriage{:-)

    Tiger:Sent: 2:41 AM 8/23/2009:
    Having trouble sleeping. Miss my wife. Sting was right– the bed’s too big without her. I love my cupcake so much it hurts when I’m not with her:-)(

    Tiger:Sent: 10:36 PM 8/28/2009:
    Played golf today and found three balls– almost new!!! I love when that happens, but not as much as I love my wife:-)

    Tiger:Sent: 7:12 PM 9/2/2009:
    Forgiveness is the most important quality anyone can have, and I married a woman who is rich in forgiveness. It’s what makes her so lovable to me– her ability to forgive anything I may do no matter what! She’s got a huge forgiving heart and I really love her ;-})

    Tiger:Sent: 10:30 PM 9/8/2009:
    I hope no one EVER reads these text messages… they’re kind of embarrassing cuz they make me sound pretty head over heels for my terrific wife who I love so much. But what the heck, I am! I love my wife, love my wife, love my wife and that’s the TRUTH!

    Tiger:Sent: 7:51 PM 9/14/2009:
    Did I mention I love my wife? I do, I really do and would NEVER chase skanks because I want to stay married to my wonderful wife and not go through an expensive, messy divorce. These texts are on the level. Seriously– straight up on the level.

  • Easter Bunny Blasts Boy As Socialist

    Bunny lays an egg for commie little boy.
    Fortunately for little Frankie Urbeenor, he sleeps on a very absorbent pillow. The child cried torrents last night after his visit to The Easter Bunny at the East Waverly Heights Mall in Port Arthur, Texas.

    Easter is Frankie’s fifth favorite holiday, after Christmas, his birthday, Halloween and Thanksgiving, so he was looking forward to spending some quality time with Mr. Cottontail. Instead he was subjected to an angry political rant from a bunny who is also a part time Tea Party zealot.

    Spectators reported the following exchange took place between Frankie and the Easter Bunny:
    BOY: Hello, Easter Bunny!
    E. B.: Hello, little boy– what’s your name?
    BOY: Frankie. Frankie Urbeenor.
    E. B.: Well, Frankie, I suppose you’re happy that Obama and his government thugs have taken over the entire freakin’ health care system.
    BOY: Huh?
    E. B.: Sure, what do you care, you’re a little kid and you don’t have to pay taxes so just let me work my freakin’ butt off and support little freeloaders like you so you can get sick and have pre-existing conditions, then use death panels to kill my grandma in Beaumont.
    BOY: Ummm, I don’t know what you’re…
    E.B.: Everyone wants a hand-out, don’t they? You’re all a bunch of socialists. The free market is too tough on you so you want big brother government to spoon feed you entitlement programs, don’t you?
    BOY: I’m scared.
    E.B.: Of course you are, kid. We should all be scared. The country’s being run by the antichrist, who wasn’t even born in this country, and he wants the government to butt into every aspect of our lives, then try to take away my 85 firearms and arsenal of explosives I have for protection.
    BOY: I just want a chocolate bunny for Easter…
    E.B.: Sure you do. Chocolate bunnies, jelly beans, marshmallow chicks, silver dollars and PlayStations, too– you want everything! And you want it all for free, don’t you? And why not, it’s no skin off your nose– just ask, ask, ask and expect others to deliver it with a pretty bow to your door. Well, listen up, kid-o, there ain’t no Santie Claus and you can’t have Christmas every Easter. You want a chocolate bunny, you work for it. There’s no freebies in life, buddy boy!
    BOY: I want to go home, mister, please…

    Fifty-six minutes later, paramedics used the jaws of life to remove the boy from the angry Kung-Fu grip grasp of the Easter Bunny, who was tagged with tranquilizers and taken away in soft handcuffs, designed not to chafe his fur.

    Easter may soon drop from the #5 position of Frankie’s favorite holidays.

  • April Fools Joke Ends Tragically

    Tragedy strikes as giddy girls play joke on parents. The lesson learned: humor sometimes kills.
    Pity the poor Nakamura sisters, Mai, Miki and Hina–– they are now orphans thanks to their playful humor!!!!!

    The three daughters thought it would be a funny April Fools joke to plant a bomb in their parent’s car. Their intent was to stop their father from starting the car, then show both parents their dastardly handiwork and shout “April Fools!” After the parents realized how close they came to certain death, the entire family would have a hearty laugh.

    But tragedy struck when the young ladies decided to get some Frappuccinos at Starbucks. Their parents were at home and read in the newspaper that Macy’s was having a sale and became excited. They decided to take advantage of “Macy’s best prices of the season.” The family needed some new linens.

    But parents Daigoro and Haruka Nakamura never made it to the Macy’s store. Their car exploded and was instantly engulfed in flames. The daughters heard the explosion walking back from Starbucks and realized their joke had become a tragic disaster.

    On the bright side, the Frappies were delicious and the sale at Macy’s probably would have disappointed the parents (the prices weren’t all that great). The daughters are contemplating a lawsuit against the giant retailer for killing their parents.

  • Tiger Picks Jesse For Masters

    Tiger’s new wingman majored in bro-code
    Many people were not surprised when it was announced that Tiger Woods would play in the upcoming Masters Golf Tournament, but the latest Tiger news may stun the world off its ever-loving spinning axis: Tiger has selected Jesse James as his official ‘Wingman’ during his Augusta stay.

    “Tiger’s a master at the Masters,” said Ernie Whintfee, Augusta guy’s guy. “He’s put up some good scores at Augusta National and some great scores around the Augusta night scene. But Tiger knows he needs help this year after all the press he’s gotten, so he’s recruited Jesse as his wingman when he makes his August rounds. There’s quite a field this year with a really cute waitress working at Chili’s and some real babes working the Outback. With Jesse at his side, Tiger gets an experienced wingman, an operator in his own right, and a dude who knows the bro-code through and through. Tig and Jess will be a dynamic duo that’ll be tough to beat.”

    Jesse is in dutch with his ball ‘n chain, Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, for allegedly having sexual relations (the legal term is “hankious-pankious”) with tattoo model Michelle “Bombshell” McGee and allegedly other women he’s not married to. “Jesse’s got a lot of free time on his hands,” said Mr. Whintfee, “and if he can help Tiger, he’s determined to do so. That’s the kind of stand-up dude he is.”

    Sandra Bullock is rumored to have an Oscar she wants to personally deliver to Jesse’s skull, and Tiger’s wife, Elin, reportedly has a 7-iron in hand that may hinder Tiger’s successful return to Augusta.

  • Cute Kitten Wants All

    Who could possibly refuse the adorable cuteness of Snowpuff? Surrender, you are powerless to her!
    Snowpuff, quite possibly the cutest kitten to ever grace a litter box, has great ambition intertwined with her adorability– she wants to rule the world! And it’s working. People across the globe are selling their possessions and donating their money to Snowpuff.

    “I’ve never seen a kitten with an adorability quotient that rivals Snowpuff,” said Dr. Thomas F. Suttencroft, a respected authority in Cuteness Studies at Harvard University (official slogan: Where brains get even brainer still!). “Even her name ‘Snowpuff’ is as delightful as can be.”

    Whiskers & Charlie in happy death-free days
    Dr. Suttencroft exuded a regal air as he continued his learned commentary with a rubber-tipped wooden pointer in hand.

    “Back in 1926, there was an adorable kitten named ‘Whiskers’ who was the cherished pet of little Charlie Woodrunner in Stonesboro, Pennsylvania. Many said this kitty was the cutest feline ever, until one dark day when the delightful furry scamp lunged at Charlie’s throat and savagely ripped his jugular vein to shreds. It was a tragedy when Charlie bled-out and made a terrible mess of the Woodrunner living room. Whiskers was arrested, placed in pawcuffs and put on trial for murder. It was the trial of the century that year. After 16 hours of heated deliberation, a jury returned a guilty verdict and the judge sentenced the precious kittykins to death. Whiskers was placed in the lap of a man convicted of vandalism who was seated in the electric chair. Many people thought it odd they put to death a man convicted of vandalism, but there was no one on death row so someone had to be ‘the lap’ for the cute kittycat to sit upon. Those who witnessed the execution of the vandal and the darling kitten reported the last words of Whiskers were, ‘I’ll see you in hell, Charlie Woodrunner, and I’ll teach you not to pet me constantly!” The nation was mortified that such cuteness had turned bad. It was an adorable story that turned quite tragic. But I do not have that impending sense of evil from Snowpuff— she seems like the real deal to me and I am fully devoted to her cuddly lovableness.!”

    Millions of people worldwide who have pledged undying devotion to Snowpuff and her delightful adorability. If you’d like to become part of this global sensation (peer pressure is good!), sell your worldly goods and send the proceeds to me c/o The Lint Screen. I’ll see to it Snowpuff gets the money and you don’t end up like Little Charlie Woodrunner.

  • ’tis The Luck of The Irish

    Me Irish pride swelled last night to see a cheery green bow tie made in China promoting a Belgian-owned beer company celebrating the Irish holiday dedicated to Romano-Briton.

    Yes, you can taste tears in Guinness.