The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Harvard Commencement Address

    I have prepared this inspirational talk in case I am asked to give the commencement address to the 2010 graduating class of Harvard University…

    When I was your age, I thought the world was mine for the taking.

    I was going to go forth and seize the day, seize the week, the month, the year. I was going to blaze new trails, scale new heights and live life to its absolute fullest. I was going to to throttle this puny planet.

    Then, something remarkable happened. I discovered daytime TV.

    I discovered the joys of game shows and sitcom reruns, juicy soaps and incredibly fascinating talk shows. I discovered a universe of entertainment and enjoyment. And for the next 12 years, I sat transfixed by this magical box. My appointment book was TV Guide.

    You just can’t watch enough television! It can’t be done!
    From time to time a friend or relative would come by and spray me down with a garden hose to minimize my stench, but for the most part, I was unencumbered by the pressures of the real world. I’d dream of having dream jobs like being deputy to Andy in Mayberry, or living in Hooterville with Arnold Ziffle and Lisa Douglas, or being a brain surgeon on General Hospital, or a brainiac contestant on Jeopardy answering my way to wealth. My life was great and I was unbelievably happy.

    Then, unforeseen tragedy struck–– the TV broke and its screen went blank. It took me a week or two before I realized what had happened. At first I thought that the blank screen might just be a new daytime TV concept show, perhaps a minimalist soap with some deep, dark existential message. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. My lifeline had been severed and reality came kicking down the door.

    So, I hoisted myself from my couch indentation and took the world’s longest bathroom break. I sheared my knee-length beard, showered with a high pressure garden hose, updated my resume and went looking for a J-O-B.

    I got hired, hired, fired, hired, hired, hired, hired, hired, hired, fired, hired, fired and then did my own thing. Eventually I met a couple of other guys and we did our own thing. We’re still doing that thing, along with a lot of other things, with a bunch of other people.

    And when I’m deep in the muck, working my way through the mire, doing what needs to be done in a heroic fashion with all the strength and intelligence I can muster, I think one simple thought–– I wonder what’s on TV right now?

    So my simple message to you is this: be willing to explore and discover new channels you’ve never seen before. Don’t be afraid to bravely channel surf where you’ve never channel surfed before. Just remember this sage advice: keep a garden hose handy. It’s a good idea.

    Class of 2010, this puny planet is yours, ready to be throttled. Enjoy, and thank you.

  • Making Oilade

    BP announced today plans to release new BP Fish Sticks in grocery stores. The move, viewed as putting into the practice the saying “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade” has many environmental groups furious.

    “It’s absolutely unconscionable for BP to do this,” said Roger Pretpopp, head of the Gulf Coast Environmental Protection League. “The company should have all its efforts focused on the clean-up of its massive oil spill, not product diversification.”

    Terrance Fawdalraw, VP of Communications at BP disagrees. “We are doing everything in our power to clean up the unfortunate Deepwater Horizon oil spill, the result of a burst of anger from Mother Nature and not negligence on the company’s part. It is simply coincidental that our product development people discovered a revolutionary way to pre-oil fish so they bake up crispy, flaky and delicious in your oven in minutes.”

    When asked if these fish sticks were made from fish that suffered as a result of the spill, Mr. Fawdalraw began patting perspiration from his brow with a monogrammed silk handkerchief. “Of course not,” said the company spokesperson, “that would be opportunistic and somewhat evil. I will say, however, that new BP Fish Sticks offer premium performance and improved mileage in all makes and models. Hence our slogan: New BP Fish Sticks, good in your tank, or your car’s tank!”

  • Help Save The Bankers!

    A proposal for a more civilized feeding time for bankers.
    As evil self-serving politicians go on a witch hunt against Goldman Sachs and other Wall Street financial types, I’ve become worried.

    What if the dastardly politicos enact regulations that might curb the free marketeers from earning their paltry hundreds of millions of dollars annually?

    What if there are no longer billions of bucks for bonuses, paid for by taxpayers, for losing on aggressive bets made?

    What if financial lobbyists don’t enjoy unlimited budgets to grease politicians and assist in writing laws ensuring future riches?

    In other words, what if stupid laws cap the opportunities for gambling, greed and gouging the little people who don’t even understand how banks make money?

    After many sleepless nights, I have come to a simple solution: cut out the middlemen.

    Rather than the outdated system we currently have– bankers hiring lobbyists to get politicians in the pocket and help write laws that enable financial fatcats to gamble and win big, or get paid-off by taxpayers if they lose– let’s just cut out the lobbyists and politicians and simply have taxpayers pay Wall Streeters directly.

    The market would be much more efficient if we taxpayers simply tithed 5-8% of our income to our banking overlords from the get-go. Why should they have the inconvenience of waiting for our income to be taxed, then passed their way?

    With my bold new proposal, these pinstripers wouldn’t even need to trump-up risky gambles or cockamamie financial instruments. They wouldn’t have to hurt their ivy league brains conjuring schemes to screw people– we’d just fork over the dough up front and acknowledge our woeful ignorance. Then the civilized cufflinked crowd could get back to more important matters, like buying estates on the Hamptons or dandruff control.

    Why must we continue these pointless charades in Washington? Help save the bankers– write your congressional servants and let’s cut to the chase.

  • Monkey Law Enforcement

    Run the red light at your own peril, lead-foot…. this monkey means business!
    Some cities are placing cameras on light poles and snapping pictures of cars running red lights to issue citations by mail. Then some cities are playing for keeps.

    Austin, Texas is employing trained monkeys to ‘man’ light poles for keeping law-breaking drivers in line. If a motorist runs a red light, the monkey leaps onto the car and scrambles its way inside the vehicle to gouge the driver’s eyes out and spray the interior with urine.

    “Some people think this watch-monkey program is a bit extreme,” said Officer Terry Inklurd, “but if people just obey the traffic signals, there won’t be any issues. You’ll be able to keep your vision and not have your car smell like monkey pee–– which has an awful stench. Not even those pine tree air fresheners can mask monkey musk.”

    NBC is rumored to be developing a new series called “Law & Order: Traffic Monkey Division.”

  • The Dirt On Larry King’s Failed 8th Marriage

    It’s looking like strike eight in the love department for Larry King. Rumors have surfaced that the 76-year old gab show host and his 50-year old bride, singer Shawn Southwick, are soon to be divorcing, making it Larry’s eighth failed marriage to seven women. Why is the couple breaking up? Allegedly, Larry was getting all Tiger Woodsy with his sister-in-law, Shannon Engemann, while wifey-poo may have been rounding the bases with their son’s little league coach. Yow!

    Old dog learns new tricks, wife to wave bye-bye in car-car.
    In a Lint Screen exclusive, we reveal the searing confrontation that took place in the King household on April 15th when Larry sat waiting at the kitchen table as wife Shawn entered the house from the garage.

    LK: Shawn, welcome, it’s great to see you. Come have a seat, let’s talk.
    SS: Larry, is my sister here?
    LK: No, no she isn’t. Why do you ask, babycakes?
    SS: I smell that whorish French perfume she always wears. You’re not wearing it, are you?
    LK: Of course not, sugarlips. Let’s talk about your day, snoogums. If you could describe your day in one word, would it be ‘magnificent’ or ‘wondrously fabulous.’
    SS: Larry, why’s there lipstick on your forehead and neck?
    LK: Remarkable your powers of perception, love-dove. I swear, you could be a C.S.I. agent with your observational skills. Let me just say here and now, that you are, without a doubt, the most incredibly beautiful woman on planet Earth. In fact, you make all other women look like garbage. They’re festering, stinking trash, compared to you. They are not worthy to be in the same gender with one as beautifully captivating as you, buttercup, and…
    SS: Larry, what’s that on your arm?
    LK: My arm?
    SS: Yes– look, that!
    LK: I shouldn’t be showing so much flesh. Between the sexy suspenders and my alluring flesh, I could be accused of babe-baiting. Let me roll down this shirt cuff. The shirt’s a Geoffrey Beene wrinkle free pinpoint, which is 60% cotton for comfort and 40% Polyester for easy care. There’s no better value for quality…
    SS: Oh no you don’t– you’re not coving that up. Roll the sleeve up so I can see…
    LK: What is it about the words ‘shirt sleeves’ that’s so fun to say? Have two words ever been made more for each other: shirt, sleeve— it’s like a poem. I love them!
    SS: Give me your arm– aha! Just as I suspected, it’s a tattoo.
    LK: Is it just me or is everyone getting ink these days?
    SS: You have a tattoo that says “I heart sleeping with Shannon.” Larry, are you having an affair with my sister?
    LK: For my money, there is no jealousy quite like sibling rivalry. It drives siblings crazy…
    SS: You are, aren’t you?! You’re sleeping with Shannon! You smell like her, you’re wearing her lipstick and you have a tattoo with her name.
    LK: In my opinion, the concept of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ is the backbone of our democracy and it’s what makes America great, and the country I’m proud to call home.
    SS: Unbelievable. Larry, how could you?
    LK: Well, look at the time. I’m afraid this day is done and I’d like to thank you for spending some time with me. I hope you’ll join me again tomorrow when my guest will be…

  • Citizens Angry Over Census

    The angry protestors across America are being counted in their vocal protest of the U.S. Census that is underway nationwide.

    Count ’em– two barrels!
    “I don’t see no reason no government needs to know nothing about me and my family,” said a visibly agitated E. Granger Bycross of Alamo, Georgia. “Taint none of their business how many kittens I got in my litter. They come to my house to cipher, I’ll let ’em count two– double barrels of buckshot!”
    Count on Chester Wheelie to not be counted by U.S. Census.

    Chester Wheelie of Keene, New Hampshire, is also one angry American. “We answer that census, next thing you know the federal government will be sending radio waves to infect our brains making us gover-zombies, begging to pay more taxes, have more socialist entitlement programs and requesting Fluoride in our drinking water. I ain’t falling for it! You can tell the government to keep their greedy hands off my Social Security and Medicare checks, what’s mine is mine. End of discussion.”

    Helen Wilmunk of Ainsworth, South Dakota refuses to complete her census form because she thinks many of the questions are too difficult to answer.

    “They want to know how many people we got living here. Well, there’s me and Darrel, and the kids, Stinky, Bubba and Weasel– but we also got six dogs and three cats who are like kin to us, and sometimes those dogs sleep outside. Now how we supposed to answer that trick question? It’s like those math books in school asking about two trains leaving Chicago going different speeds and we’re supposed to figure out when the dadgum trains will arrive in St. Louis. Well, I wouldn’t answer those trick questions either because don’t no one take trains these days. They’d just fly or drive!”

    Stinky, Bubba & Weasel are tough to categorize.
    And Jerry Fuddmork of Bald Knob, Arkansas is refusing to answer his census on the basis of what is done with the information. “The government says they need to know all this personal information so they can plan for schools, libraries, roads and other social services. Well, I don’t cotton to such socialistic notions. I don’t want my tax money going to build some road for illegal aliens to drive on. And schools and libraries are just a complete waste of money, what with so much you can learn on the television. Why, if I wanted to be a doctor, all I got to do is watch ‘House’— that lanky guy with the limp is cagey as can be. Ain’t no school going to teach you how to be like House– he’s the rascal you want to learn from, not some stupid school!”