The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Category: Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

  • Health Care Summit A Huge Success!

    To avoid confusion, the President and V. P. had name plates, but no name tags. Fame is sweet!
    Today’s health care summit held at Blair House, across the street from The White House, was a resounding success as democratic and republican lawmakers came together to spitball some ideas of how to deal with rising health care costs.

    The spirited conversation included republican leaders challenging the criticism that they had “no ideas” for reducing the cost of healthcare. “I think we should pass legislation outlawing bad health. Let’s nip this whole problem in the bud,” demanded a republican senator. “If people didn’t get sick, they wouldn’t need health care. Problem solved!” The senator dropped to the floor and spun like a top on his back.

    Another republican senator expressed outrage of being branded enemies of progress. “The dems keep saying we are the party of ‘no.’ Are we the party of no? N-O, no! We are not the party of no. Never have been. No, no, no, no!”

    A democratic congressman began an impassioned speech in favor of the House healthcare bill. He lifted the 1,990- page document to punctuate his point, screamed in agony “I’ve ripped a groin muscle!” and toppled over hitting his head on a table. Politicians from both parties huddled around their wounded compatriot. “Thank goodness we have a terrific healthcare system,” one lawmaker was heard to say. “Someone should call an ambulance. A solid gold one.”

    Another lawmaker shouted, “Hey, you guys want to grab a steak and lobster dinner, maybe get some Johnnie Walker Blue– I’ve got a passel of lobbyists waiting outside with platinum AmEx cards at the ready!”

    With that, the room emptied as the injured politician bled. A coyote howled in the distance.

  • China Gettin’ All Bankster On Rich Uncle

    Uncle Sam wants financial reform for himself, but not his citizens. That’s different!
    The U.S. government is angry as hornets who’ve been pestered by telemarketers during their favorite TV show, thanks to China getting as greedy as a U.S. credit card company.

    When U.S. bill payers opened their monthly credit statement from China, they discovered that the Chinese had moved up their payment date and substantially raised their interest rate, just like U.S. banks have been doing to credit card holders for a long time.

    “I can’t believe China would do this,” said Jason Burbbinger, head checkbook handler of the United States government. “China loaned us a bunch of money and we thought we had a good rate locked-up with an easy, convenient payment schedule. But now they’re getting all credit card company on our butts– arbitrarily moving up payment dates, jacking-up interest rates to nose bleed heights and acting like a violent bookie on a meth bender beating the vig out of a deadbeat. On top of everything else, they’re raising our credit limit. How are we supposed to resist that kind of temptation? I’m not saying we need financial reform for Americans– bank lobbyists would never allow that– but we certainly need financial reform for how other countries treat America. It just ain’t right, I tells ya, just ain’t right at all!”

    With that Mr. Bubbinger began sobbing uncontrollably into a handkerchief, a handkerchief made in China.

  • Transcript of Tiger’s Talk

    Tiger bares his soul to all.
    In a Lint Screen exclusive, we have obtained the transcript for the news conference being held by Tiger Woods later today, three months after his admission of infidelity.

    “Hello, and thank you for coming here today, and what a beautiful day it is. I remember when I was a kid, I loved a warm, sunny day. I’d lie out in the yard and look up the sky and watch the clouds go by. Some clouds had interesting shapes. I’ll never forget, I once saw a cloud shaped like a walrus. It had tusks and everything. ‘Tusks’ is a funny word, isn’t it? Anyway, if the clouds didn’t have interesting shapes, I’d like to imagine the clouds were strands of cotton candy. We have any cotton candy fans out there?! I’m with you. I love cotton candy, especially the blue kind. You know, I’ve been think about this for three months now and I’ve got to say, blue might just be my favorite color. Seriously. I mean, sure, I love green, but there’s something just a bit more calming about blue. You know, the sky, the water, my Porsche– all beautiful and all blue. There, I said it. Blue is my favorite color, followed by green then maybe red, but, you know, the more I’ve think about it, I’ve got to say red is a very distant third. In fact, scratch red. I don’t think you should hold me to three colors. I’m just going blue, number one… green, number two. But blue’s the clear winner. No doubt. But if I didn’t have blue as a choice, I’d take green in a heartbeat. Green’s cool, but I just prefer blue, that’s all I’m saying. Anyway, thanks for coming and please, no questions. No questions, thank you very much.”

  • Curling For Dollars

    Curling losses can put your heart and wallet on ice.
    Yeah, right, so tonight I lost ten boxes of ziti betting on team USA in curling against the Swiss in the Winter Olympics, and I’m still steaming.

    I mean, come on, we had the game in the bag and blew it!

    I was in a sports bar with some fans watching on TV and here’s what I heard:
    “Nice rock. Does your wife curl?”
    “I haven’t seen a stone toss so lame since Brian Jones got das boot by Mick Jagger.”
    “You call that sweeping? Gimme a break, I’ve seen better sweeps in the pet food aisle at WalMart!”
    “Broom like you mean it! Own the house, own the house!”
    “Dudes, this game’s just like shuffleboard, and none of you are drinking! How you expect to play to win if you’re not drinking? Pop a cold one, for crying out loud!”
    “Sweeper’s got a rubber arm, sweeper’s got a rubber arm…”
    “Hey, man, they’re Swiss. Kick their neutral ass!

    So it went. A disgruntled and disappointed crowd, and a crying me– a man who took it in the heart and the bank account. Curling is cruel, so very cruel.

  • Tiger Shows Up All Men

    Not content with being the world’s greatest golfer, Tiger Woods now wants to secure the “World’s Greatest Husband” novelty coffee mug by buying his wife, Elin, a $2-3 million 61-foot sporting boat.

    World’s Greatest Hubby? Yes!
    “Tiger’s just a romantic fool,” gushed a close friend of the family, “he’s cuckoo-cuckoo for Elin and so he wanted to give her a Valentine’s gift for the ages. He’s so crazy for her he hasn’t even slept with another woman for a couple days. The guy is just incredible with his determination, dedication and focus. Amazing!”

    “Man, what chance do I have?,” said a depressed Bill Trailleybud of Ashville, North Carolina, “I got my wife a romantic dinner, some earrings and even suffered sitting through that Valentine’s Day movie– but I look like a cheapskate, unromantic cretin compared to Tiger. I mean, come on, even if I bought the wife a bass boat, I’d look like a jerk. Tiger’s just putting it in the face of all men. I’ll bet he didn’t have to see Valentine’s Day!”

    “Tiger’s just got game,” said the close family friend. “When he plays, he plays to win. What a guy!”

  • Crowdsourcing Failure

    Crowdsourcing is like a seance without all the touching and spooky dead people spirits and such.
    I had heard how crowdsourcing was all the rage in this kooky web 2.0, so I thought I’d take advantage of the power of mass collaboration to solve a problem.

    Yesterday, a nasty weather system dumped 4″ of snow in Atlanta, crippling the city. I hurried home, fired-up the computer and began crowdsourcing like mad. The problem I wanted addressed was simple: get the snow and ice off my driveway and sidewalks.

    I sent the request out on all the social networks and waited with my MacBook Pro looking out the window at the sidewalks and driveway to see how my problem would be crowdsourced into oblivion. But nothing happened.

    The snow and ice sat clinging to the concrete, lying in wait for me to walk on it, slip and fall and break my new hip. I checked my computer, I checked the sidewalks, I checked the computer again. Nothing!

    So much for the power of crowdsourcing– it’s all a big hyped-up ruse.

    Maybe in a couple weeks I’ll try crowdsourcing to pressure wash the back deck. It might work better in the Springtime.