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Exclusive Peyton Manning Interview

Manning opens up and bares his soul to The Lint Screen.

With the announcement of Peyton Manning’s retirement, The Lint Screen sat down with him for the following exclusive interview.

TLS: Hello, Peyton.
PM: Hi.
TLS: It’s kind of a funny name, ‘Peyton.’
PM: I guess so.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD TWENTY SECONDS OF SILENCE AS THE REPORTER CONSULTS HIS NOTES.
TLS: So, retirement, huh?
PM: Yes.
TLS: You don’t look that old.
PM: Most mornings, I feel pretty ancient.
THE REPORTER LAUGHS VERY HARD FOR THE NEXT FORTY SECONDS. MANNING NERVOUSLY SMILES AND SHIFTS IN HIS SEAT.
TLS: Do you have a favorite color?
PM: Favorite color?
TLS: Yes. I’m an investigative reporter, and I’m not afraid to ask the tough questions.
PM: You want to know my favorite color?
TLS: Yes, Peyton, I do. I think our readers deserve to know.
PM: Um, blue.
TLS: Blue? Really? Blue?
PM: Yes, blue, I guess.
TLS: Blue is the color of the sky, isn’t it?
PM: Right. Unless it’s cloudy, or nighttime.
THE REPORTER LAUGHS VERY HARD FOR THE NEXT MINUTE AS HE SLAPS HIS KNEE AND SNAPS HIS HEAD BACK IN BOISTEROUS GUFFAWS. MANNING NERVOUSLY SMILES THEN LOOKS CONCERNED. THEN, HE STARES AT THE FLOOR.
TLS: Do you think there’s life after death?
PM: I’m sorry, what was that?
TLS: Life after death, what do you think? Is there or isn’t there?
PM: Uh, sure.
TLS: Fascinating.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD THREE MINUTES OF SILENCE AS THE REPORTER CONSULTS HIS NOTES. MANNING LOOKS AT HIS IPHONE, DELETES SOME EMAILS, SENDS TEXTS AND BUYS A TEFLON-COATED WAFFLE IRON ON AMAZON.
TLS: Well, I guess we covered it all.
PM: Really? That’s it?
TLS: I think we covered it all. Thanks, Peyton, for being so open and honest for our readers.
PM: Didn’t you want to ask me anything about my football career?
TLS: Football career?
PM: Um, nevermind. Right, this was fun. Thanks.
THE TWO MEN SHAKE HANDS. MANNING RUNS OUT THE DOOR AND INTO HIS CAR. THE REPORTER DOUBLE CHECKS HIS NOTES AGAIN.

March 7, 2016
MLK Pic To Star Matt Damon

Damon will star as famous Civil Rights Leader

The day after the Oscars, Sony Pictures announced it has greenlighted the long-awaited biopic of Martin Luther King.

“We heard America loud and clear,” Sony’s Senior V.P. of Development Winslow Cabbageweld III told The Lint Screen. He continued, “The people want to see more African-American stories, and one would be hard-pressed to find a more dramatic, more compelling one than that of Civil Rights leader Martin Luther King.”

The $100 million picture will star Matt Damon as MLK and Rachel McAdams as Coretta Scott King. Jeremy Renner will play Rev. Al Sharpton, with Zac Efron as Hosea Williams, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Andrew Young.

“We are expecting great things from this upcoming production,” Cabbageweld said. “Hollywood is going to prove for once and for all we ‘get it’ and we are ‘with it.’ And if this picture does big business, which I’m confident it will, we’ll do a sequel or six!”

February 29, 2016
! Announces Presidential Run

An exciting new candidate is born!

Now that Jeb! has officially sat on the sidelines of the 2016 Presidential race, his running mate ! has decided to go it alone.

“! really feels like it has a real shot,” a spokesperson told The Lint Screen. “! is the most energetic and qualified punctuation mark in the English language, and has as much political experience as some of the other candidates. ! is pretty pumped to serve in the White House and lead America, which it plans to rename AMERICA! That’s a position no red-blooded American can oppose.”

The spokesperson asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution and nasty Tweets.

Early polling shows ! beginning to surge.

February 22, 2016
Kanye Hires MC Hammer As Financial Consultant

It’s Hammertime for Kanye’s finances!

Kanye West claims to be $53 million in debt, and his plea to Mark Zuckerberg for a cool billion has gone “unfriended”–– but a new man has entered the picture to save K’s bacon The Lint Screen has learned.

MC Hammer!

The legendary hip-hop star says he is “overjoyed” to be called on for help. “I know how to manage money,” Ham said as he fluffed his gold leaf parachute pants. “I’ll show Kanye how to stretch a buck. I’ll make him wealthy again in no time flat because when it comes to financial management acumen, well, you can’t touch this,” he said as he performed a split.

Six minutes later, two associates came to lift the former star from the floor. “Anyone got Zuckerberg’s digits,” MC asked. “I may need a new hip or two.”

February 19, 2016
Wisconsin Man Secures Second Facebook Friend

Look who’s suddenly Mr. Popular!

Tom Woolery is having his mail forwarded to cloud nine. The 42-year old Wausau, Wisconsin dentist just learned he has his second friend on Facebook.

“Got to say, I’m pretty darn jacked,” said the bachelor as he flossed. “I wasn’t so sure about this social media thing, but now that Betsy Ordencott has confirmed me as a Facebook friend, well, I think I’ve turned the corner on amassing what the kids call a posse.” He toasted The Lint Screen reporter and did a shot of Listerine, squished it around in his mouth for twenty seconds and spat it into the sink. “Yes siree,” he said with a wide pearly smile, “got me two Facebook friends! That’s got to be some kind of record.”

“I think I remember him,” confessed Ms. Ordencott, a 42-year old environmental engineer with the state. “He was kind of a pudgy kid who sat behind me in Mrs. Timkins high school algebra class. Wore a lot of plaids, and brown-bagged stinky sandwiches most days, as I recall.” Asked if this new friendship was going to change her life, the divorced mother of two teens was nonplussed. “I doubt it. I have like 780, 790 Facebook friends. He’s just another log on the fire.”

“I’m hoping I get to meet Betsy again some time soon,” said Mr. Woolery. “I’d also like to meet my other Facebook friend, a friendly guy named Mark Zuckerberg. He seems nice.”

February 17, 2016
O Brothers, Where Art Thou?

They finally missed, wah wah wah!

It saddens me to report that Joel and Ethan Coen are mortals. They have finally written, directed and edited a not-so-great movie called “Hail, Caesar!”

It’s not a bad film, it has its moments and some nice scenes, but it’s overall a miss for the brothers Coen. Wah wah wah.

As a fanboy, I believe they are two of the most provocative filmmakers working, and maybe the best writers. I await every project of theirs with baited breath (live bait is tough to get at the concession stand, but Regal has pretty good nightcrawlers–– hold the butter!).

“Hail, Caesar!” has a stellar cast: George Clooney, Josh Brolin, Scarlett Johansson, Ralph Fiennes, Alden Ehrenreich, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton and Channing Tatum to drop a few names, and it has beautiful cinematography by master Roger Deakins, but the thing doesn’t gel.

The spoofs of the movie genres are spot on––– Esther Williams-swim-extravaganza, Gene Kelly-ish elaborate dance sequence, and overwrought Charlton Heston religious drama–– these are worth the price of admission. But the usual joy and crackling smart dialogue one comes to expect from the Coens is light.

It occasionally snaps, but the film doesn’t pop. Wah wah wah.

That said, I can’t wait until I see what the brothers do next. Back to the concession stand for some live bait.

February 11, 2016