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  • Bartender Claims To Have “Seen It All”

    Pour Meister Duke McSlurpeedoo In His "Office"
    Pour Meister Duke McSlurpeedoo In His Office

    Some people (like this reporter) have to find stories, and some people have stories come to them.

    Put Duke McSlurpeedoo into that latter camp.

    The free-pouring Boston bartender says that in his 41-year career of serving libations, he’s “heard it all and seen it all–– swear to Pete!”

    This reporter perched on his stool, finished his drink, poised pen to pad and asked the handsome bartender to elaborate.

    “Oh, you know,” the barkeep said, slowly wiping his altar with a damp towel, “I’ve seen this, heard that.” This scribe leaned in and asked for details. “You wouldn’t believe the shenanigans I’ve seen,” the wily mixmaster clucked, “but they’re really something.”

    The Lint Screen journalist was working up a thirst and ordered another four fingers of rotgut, neat. “Do tell,” he encouraged the bottle jockey.

    “Man, oh, man, you and your readers wouldn’t believe the things I’ve witnessed behind this bar,” the booze tipper crowed. “Stuff that would curl your hair and make you slap your mother into tomorrow. Yes, sir!”

    This grizzled hack slugged back his liquid lunch and asked for a repeat. “Some details would be nice,” he said.

    “It’s unbelievable what I’ve seen,” the hootch-slinger cooed as he poured. “You would not believe me if I told you.”

    “Try me,” The scribe said as he thrust the drink down his hatch, the rotgut burned its way to the belly.

    “I’ve seen scandalous stuff. All sorts of sordid affairs. More dirty laundry than a cruise ship.”

    “What, exactly?”

    “Hijinks. Hijinks to beat the band. Seeds for scandals galore.”

    “Do the bump again, and pour me a tall cold one,” the keyboard hunter slurred. The liquor pusher shook his head from side to side as he prepared the drinks and set them in front of the news nose. The Pulitzer-poser gave his libation glasses the ol’ Houdini. “Tell me somethin’, dammit,” he said as he rose up off his stool, stumbled, and smashed his noggin on the bar on his way to the floor.

    He bled.

    Duke McSlurpeedoo shook his head, wiped his bar and said, “Yep, I’ve seen it all, I guess.”

  • Shakespearean School Commencement Address

    Scene from a well respected educational joint that teaches how to speak Shakespeare.
    Scene from a well-respected educational joint that teaches ordinary joes and janes how to speak Shakespeare.

    Recently, I had the distinct honor and privilege of being asked to give the commencement address to graduates of the prestigious Ye Olde University of Shakespearean Thespian Talents. Located in Stratford-upon-Avon-Lady, England, this establishment is renowned worldwide for training the finest Shakespearean actors in the biz, many of whom go on to careers in fetching plates of food for hungry people. What follows is the entire transcription of my inspiring speech.

    (THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE FOLLOWING THE DEAN’S INTRODUCTION OF THE COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER)

    P. SCULLIN: Thank you. Thank you very much. Please, thank you. You’re too kind, really. Okay, then, please be seated. (LAUGHS) Come on, please, enough. Kindly stop your applause and be seated. Seriously. You’re too kind. I mean it. Oh, no, please–– I don’t deserve a wave. (LAUGHS) But there you go. (LAUGHS) Beautiful. That was a world class wave. Now, please be seated. I mean it. You’re very kind. Too kind really. I don’t deserve this. Oh, not again–– another wave! (LAUGHS) Okay, now stop! Quit the applause and be seated. I mean it.

    Finally, thank you for your warm welcome. Now, I’d like to give you some valuable life advice.

    Um, yes. Right. Um. Hmmm.

    Advice.

    (AWKWARD SIXTEEN MINUTES OF SILENCE)

    Line!

    (THE DISTINGUISHED SPEAKER THEN WET HIMSELF AND RAN OFF STAGE SCREAMING)

    (AND… SCENE)

  • Bee Confesses To Being A Slacker

    Chillin' with the buzzer.
    Chillin’ with the buzzer.

    A honeybee today confessed he was not “busy as a bee.” “Really,” the bee continued in his prepared statement. “I’m just not terribly busy. Kind of bored, actually. Been pretty chill.”

    And with that, the bee fell asleep.

    The world was stunned. Abuzz, even! Up was down, right was left, never would Shania and Mark Twain meet.

  • Another Dylan Notebook Found

    Portrait of the artist as a two-wheeled young man.
    Portrait of the artist as a two-wheeled young man.

    Dylanistas have rejoiced at the recent news that notebooks of Bob’s working lyrics from his “Blood on The Tracks” days have been discovered and archived in Oklahoma at a cost of an estimated $15-$20 million.

    Not bad for a dude from Hibbing, MN.

    Now, another Dylan notebook has been found in Woodstock, New York, where the master lived following his motorcycle accident in the summer of 1966.

    “This notebook is an incredible discovery,” Dr. Kerry Hubabbabba told The Lint Screen. “It shows Dylan at his most vulnerable–– the reluctant voice of a generation who has both metaphorically and literally crashed on the road. While it may not be some of his best work, it is some of his most curious and thought-provoking. On its pages, we witness an artist obviously in search of something. What exactly? Your guess is as good as mine, maybe better because I have pretty low self-esteem since my divorce.”

    Here are some excerpts from the “accidental Dylan” notebook:

    ROAD BURNED
    “there’s nothing here
    I ain’t seen before
    cuz nothing matters anymore
    I think I’ll go and try to get some sleep
    god, my leg burns like hell”

    THE CHASE
    “don’t tell you don’t think that
    things couldn’t be better
    we had our time
    chasing the big and little hands
    round the numbers
    they went round an round
    wish I had some more pain pills so I could get some damn sleep”

    THE DOCTOR
    “he comes in
    an checks me out
    says I’m doin well
    well that I doubt
    feel like hell
    write me some scripts now
    you damn white coat bastard you
    so pain pill’s will release me
    from something or other
    some word that may or may not rhyme”

    NO SLEEP
    “four twenty-two A.M.
    the clock announces
    my eyelids are flappin
    mouth’s yawnin exhausted
    no coal in the engine
    but still I can’t stop
    wish had more pills
    pills I could pop
    crap–– think I mighta busted my shoulder too!”

    I HATE MOTORCYCLES
    “two wheels
    tryin to kill
    never gonna saddle
    feel your thrills
    pills are kickin in
    pretty unicorns fly
    got dragon airlift
    take you up in the sky
    rainbows and magic will be something nice to have
    wonder if there’s any roast beef left
    could use a sandwich
    I’m starved dammit
    hope Sara got something at the store
    are we out of mayo?
    I wonder”

    For the time being, Dylan’s “Accidental Notebook” is being housed Earl’s Ace Hardware in Woodstock, by the cash register.

  • Corona Changing Name to “U.S.A.”

    Who needs lime?
    Who needs lime?

    The beer battles are on!

    Following the announcement that number one domestic beer Budweiser will be changing its name to “America” on packaging, the number one Mexican beer Corona today unveiled plans to change its name to U.S.A.

    “We are not going to be out-patriotized by a Belgium-owned brewer,” Corona spokesperson Margarita Diaz told The Lint Screen. “We are even going to promote serving bottles of U.S.A. with slices of apple because apples are what’s used to make mom’s apple freaking pie! Bam, Bud! Bam!”

    When asked for a comment, a spokesman for Budweiser said, “Corona’s obviously desperate. What a pathetic gimmicky stunt. It cheapens their brand. They better sell what they can while they can because after we get our new wall built, they won’t even be able to get into America, the country–– not the beer.”

    Pabst Blue Ribbon is still Pabst Blue Ribbon.

  • Kim Jong-un Enters Race For U.S. Presidency

    'lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!
    ‘lil Kim wants to be top dog of U.S., too!

    The Lint Screen has learned that the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un, has decided to enter the United States Presidential race.

    “The Glorious One will annihilate the other candidates,” said Dennis Rodman, official spokesperson for the North Korean leader. “The man is a god; he once shot sixteen playing eighteen holes at Augusta National. He hit a baseball 6,988 miles. He scored over 30,800 points playing against the Harlem Globetrotters. He would win the Kentucky Derby with a horse on his back. The Amazing One cannot and will not be defeated in any contest!”

    Asked if Kim Jong-un would be running as a Democrat, Republican or Independent, Mr. Rodman raised his eyebrows and said, “He’ll run as the next President, and once in office, he’ll attack America if it does not do his will. Dude plays for keeps.”

    No bumper stickers or yard signs are available yet.

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