The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Blog

Global Fears Over Kayne-Taylor Feud

Their battle has deep roots and could explode at any time!

The world is on edge as celebrity behemoths Kayne West and Taylor Swift engage in an epic spat for the ages.

“I’m worried sick,” renowned peace negotiator Dr. Lawrence Passemet of Oxford University told The Lint Screen in his distinct and pleasant British baritone. “This situation is incredibly tense and it could destabilize quickly, throwing world financial markets into a tailspin. I just hope this doesn’t start a nuclear war or something worse–– like more celebrity backstabbing in public.”

At issue is whether Kayne told Taylor he was including her in his insightful poetry from his blockbuster song “Famous”–– “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / Why? I made that bitch famous.”

Taylor has vehemently denied she was ever told of the lyric, but last night on the #1 show of Mensa members, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian revealed alleged video showing Kayne calling Taylor for approval. In it, we hear someone who sounds like Taylor say, “It’s kind of like a compliment.”

BOOM! Can you imagine!

But today, Taylor is all like “I never said that” and all like “Nuh-huh! You lie!” And the K-Camp is all like “Uh huh, video don’t lie!”

And, well, you see how this could escalate quickly.

There is no word if this critical issue will be addressed in either upcoming U.S. political conventions, but somehow presidential candidates will have to address this brouhaha.

July 18, 2016
Outrage Over Pokémon Go

Pokémon characters are taking over the world, but one group of concerned citizens is taking action

Although the game is just a week old, Pokemon Go is attracting rage worldwide.

First, it was numbskulls playing the augmented reality game at places honoring those who perished in awful realities–– Auschwitz, Arlington National Cemetery, and the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum, but now a new group has taken offense, the anti-immigration crowd.

“There ain’t no sugar-coating it,” Rodney Smallchiks, head of Americans Agin Outsiders, a protest group formed in Springfield, Missouri told The Lint Screen. “These Pokémon freaks are running all over Merica, and until we build a big enough wall around our borders, we are doomed. Tell the truth, I’m not so sure even hundred-foot electric walls with jagged barbed wire and a moat filled with great white sharks, piranha, and electric eels can keep them out.”

Smallchiks leads a group of 830 people who have banded together against the popular game, and he says his angry mob is growing. “I’m hearing from folks all over the country that they don’t want these little creepy characters running around and causing a commotion. It’s just a matter of time until they get themselves some Social Security, take all our jobs, and live cushy welfare lives. It won’t stand, not as long as we’re drawing breaths. Our crew has been scouring the country trying to catch the buggers fast as we can, but damn if they don’t keep coming!”

Curiously, no major politician has come out with a plan to curb the infestation of Pokémon characters in America. “I suspect these Pokémon got themselves some deep pockets and have a strong lobby in Washington. But my people aren’t voting for any candidate until they propose their plan for eradicating Pokémon! Something’s got to be done, and fast!”

Smallchiks does have some hope for a solution. “Few years back, I formed a posse to deal with the Angry Birds problem. While we didn’t solve it completely, I think we made some progress.”

July 14, 2016
Uh-Oh, Rio–– More Olympics Troubles

Locusts come from the Bible to Brazil, baby!

Poor, poor Rio de Janeiro. With the Summer Olympic Games a month away, the host city is experiencing some slight hiccups, like body parts washing up on the volleyball beach, and police and firefighters on strike, and waters containing super duper bacteria that eat antibiotics for a light snack, and skeeters carrying the deadly Zika virus, and Olympic facilities that are far from being completed, and an economy that’s tanking, and a public health crisis, and an infestation of crooked politicians.

Now, there are some new bumps in the road for the Rio games as the city is experiencing what Olympic organizers are calling “some unusual acts of God.” These include:
* Showers of rusty hypodermic needles falling from the skies randomly
* Geysers of hot bacon grease erupting from city streets
* Armies of lepers anxious to give relaxing backrubs
* Panic attacks
* Locusts, swarms of them everywhere– thick I tells ya, thick
* Exploding jock straps
* Packs of pissed-off jaguars looking for revenge
* Acne breaking out all over the place
* Rude restaurant waitstaff service
* A severe shortage of performance enhancing drugs
* Roving gangs of insurance salespeople aggressively pushing universal policies

Prospects for these games are so dismal, some members of NBC’s Olympics coverage team are bowing out. All-star Bob Costas has stated he will “hold court from a barstool at O’Malley’s Pub on the lower East Side of Manhattan. I’ll have a headset and a good view of the TV mounted in the corner, so it’ll be just like I’m in Rio.”

Al Michaels agrees he will be able to provide “exceptional coverage” from his living room. “I’ve got a sweet 65″ curved Samsung, I’ll see all the action and give my unique brand of color commentary, including reviews of my wife’s snack selections. Hope she brings some game to the cocktail weenies.”

Stay tuned, sports fans!

July 5, 2016
U.K. Announces Earexit; Plan To Leave Earth

Brits have their dander in a snit!

First, the British people voted to leave the European Union, and now they’re upping the ante higher–– by leaving planet Earth (“Earexit”)!

The Lint Screen has learned that there is a movement underway for the United Kingdom to give the whole damn planet the ol’ high hat.

Financial markets worldwide are shaken by this second seismic decision made by Earth’s fifth most valuable economy.

“It’s troublesome, indeed,” said Sir Reginald Beeswallow Throttlebrush Murttenfallswap Tiddlesbottomsworth II, a noted economist from Yellow-Hang-On-Faucet-Tail-Poodle, Warwickshire Sauce. “I honestly don’t see how it’s possible for our nation to leave planet Earth, but people certainly have their knickers in a snockwong over everything these days.”

“Bloody right,” concurred Reggie Woopentitte, a local unemployed daydreamer. “Ain’t nothing this world ever done for me or my kin, so why should we treat it any better than the paper what wrapped yesterday’s fish ‘n chips? I say, sod off, Earth, we’ll go somewhere better, where there’s good pay and a great dole–– what a man can drink an honest pint or four, have a few whiskies and not have to worry his forehead wrinkled about silly tish tosh.”

When asked how exactly the physical removal of the U.K. would work, and to what planet the country would be relocated, leaders of the Earexit movement showed little concern.

“All the details haven’t been worked out,” said spokesman Reg Undersnitten Burrtrottenbopp Mincemeat Krayenstatte IV. “But we won’t be needing the likes of Earth’s population. They’re a disgusting lot, they are, and who needs ’em?”

June 28, 2016
Congress Passes “Thoughts And Prayers” Bill

Sausage being made to express sorrow after gun incidents.

After four gun control bills were voted down in the Senate and House, lawmakers took decisive action and passed bold legislation that will make post-gun-massacres easier to handle.

The “Thoughts And Prayers” bill will automatically trigger condolences from Senators and Representatives immediately following any major gun incident.

“We’ve been wasting a heck of a lot of time expressing our grief after shootings,” Sen. Yancy Marlborough of Utah told The Lint Screen. “This legislation will allow each lawmaker to pre-record his solemn message sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ to the victims of gun foul play. When incidents happen, we’ll be able to release our messages efficiently.”

“It’s a critical step forward,” said Rep. Lawrence Blunderfloss of Kansas. “Although 92% of the American public supports stronger gun control measures, there’s nothing we can do to stop bad guys from getting semi-automatic weapons. Background checks won’t work, they’d make a mockery of our Constitution. This important bill will assist Washington lawmakers in expressing our condolences in a time-saving manner, freeing up our availability to do our most important task–– raising funds for re-election.”

After the press conference, the lawmakers slithered back into their offices.

June 22, 2016
Man Prepares For Presidential Election Season

Former Boy Scout takes prudent measures for November.

Timothy Pinkdroll was a Boy Scout, and he’s taking his “be prepared” training to heart as he undergoes extreme conditioning for the upcoming presidential election season.

“I know some people might think I’m bonkers,” said the 48-year old electrician from Waterloo, Iowa, “but we’ll see who’s laughing come election day.” (The Lint Screen launched an extensive investigative deep dive into the subject, and has learned that the United States presidential election will take place in early November of 2016, or thereabouts.)

Mr. Pinkdroll has hired a team of sadists and is undergoing extensive torturing as he prepares for the onslaught of bombastic media coverage and mud-slinging ads.

“The election season is going to be a doozy of crap show,” Pinkdroll said as an assistant plunged knitting needles into his forehead. “There will be a billion dollar apparatus blasting away, designed to sway opinions and inflict extreme pain and doubt on the electorate. Those who haven’t undergone proper conditioning are doomed to an unimaginable world of pain. It’s going to be ugly!”

With that, the subject requested the next stage of his conditioning as his head was placed in a vise and cranked tightly while cherry bombs were exploded in front of his nose. “We only have five months until election day,” he said in an agonizing scream. “I think I can make it.”

June 19, 2016