The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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Kansas Girl Vows To Kill Witch

Cute girl makes a commitment to a more colorful world.

Dorothy Gale is sick and tired of the bleak, drab Kansas landscape, and she’s going to do something about it, The Lint Screen has learned.

In a stunning move, the young orphan announced she wanted some color in her world, and she’ll do whatever it takes to get it.

“I read somewhere that all you have to do is kill a witch, and then it’s all rainbows and emerald cities and stuff,” said the pretty teen as she put a chaw of tobacco into her mouth. “If that’s all it takes, consider it done,” she said spitting a brown stream on to the dreary midwest dirt.

Ms. Gale said she plans to “drive my Auntie Em and Uncle Henry’s shack and park it on a witch” as soon as the weather permitted. “It’s getting to be tornado season, and I think I can catch a wave and ride the sombitch right on top some Broom Hilda. Then, bada bing, I’m golden.”

The petite girl twisted open a forty of Olde English 800 Malt Liquor and looked pensively to the foreboding sky. “I’ve got to blow this pop stand soon and find some damn rainbows before I snap and kill everyone I see with a shotgun.” Toto, her adorable dog, yapped and Dorothy kicked him across the field.

“Shut up, you,” she demanded, as she took a long draw on her bottle.

April 29, 2016
The Lint Screen Shunned In ’16 Pulitzers

No dice for “The Lint Screen” because the whole damn thing is rigged and the fix was in.

The world still may not be breathing following the shocking news that The Lint Screen did not receive any 2016 Pulitzer Prize Awards.

“This is almost unconscionable,” said Dr. Lawrence Kidneyworttle, English Department Chairman of The Amazingly Epic Incredible University in Greilickville, Michigan. “I imagine if one had a feather one could knock me over with said feather. I am that shocked The Lint Screen was shunned.” The spry 80-something bald man pulled a pipe from his tweed jacket, plucked some tobacco from his trouser pocket, and began packing a firm bowlful. He started a fire on his office floor with flint, some twigs, and dry leaves. Then, he patiently lit his pipe with a smouldering twig, savoring the smoke like a man who appreciates things like pipe tobacco smoke. He continued in that was of his (you know the way I’m talking about–– his melodic, rich baritone whisper, one that could talk a cat from a tall tree or a suicide jumper into buying him a double bourbon at the bar).

“For almost eight years, I can think of no more august and revered journal of authoritative fact and integrity than The Lint Screen,” the learned man said as a spark from his pipe jumped into his beard and began to smolder. “It is the epitome of high journalistic standards and hardly ever makes boo-boos or boners. And many times, I like the pictures, too.”

The doctor’s beard became a brush fire across his face, and he began flailing his arms and screaming in high-pitched agony. This reporter looked on shaking his head in disbelief–– how could The Lint Screen be ignored yet again?!

Is there no justice in the world?

The office stunk of burning hair and disappointment, as the reporter put on his fedora with the ‘PRESS’ card in it, and left.

April 18, 2016
11 Little-Known Masters Tournament Facts

What you don’t know about The Masters Golf Tournament could fill a blog post.

When the referee blows the whistle and the starting gun is fired tomorrow morning, The 80th Masters Golf Tournament will officially begin. The Lint Screen looks at some little-known tidbits that may make you say, “huh?”
1. The original name of the competition was “The Super Duper Golfing Badass Slugfest Annihilation Smackdown”
2. The winner of the Tournament is awarded a Green Jacket, a tradition began in 1986, following the tradition of awarding the winner a stylish Members Only jacket
3. Augusta National Golf Club used to only have fourteen holes, one of which had an electric windmill (no. 4) and one featuring a large clown face with a mouth that opened and closed to trap golf balls (no. 10)
4. Ray’s Bridge originally had a $2 toll, the tollbooth was removed when back-ups were caused by players who did not have correct change
5. All of the water seen on Augusta National was collected from un-drunk water glasses collected at Cracker Barrels nationwide
6. A four-legged animal has never won a green jacket, or, an adorable green sweater
7. Augusta was the birthplace of The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, who unbelievably, never won a Masters Tournament (but he did wear a cool cape)
8. The greens at Augusta National can be fast or slow, depending on the amount of WD-40 or Velcro
9. Caddies are not allowed to ride Rascals on Augusta National’s pristine grounds, but in Wal-Mart, well, all bets are off
10. Just about every player who has ever won The Masters used a small spherical-shaped object
11. The most memorable Champion’s Dinner happened in 1983 when Stinky “Rotten Teeth” Yarbunger requested cotton candy, funnel cakes, candy apples, and salt water taffy

Enjoy the show!

April 6, 2016
Emory U. Takes Action Against World

Emory University is taking action to curb influence of outside world.

Reacting to a recent incident that has traumatized Emory University students, college officials have announced there will be no more chalk or sidewalks permitted on campus.

On March 21, students encountered sidewalks, stairs, and building walls with the words “TRUMP 2016” written in chalk. Many students screamed at the top of their lungs and ran about flailing their arms. Parents were called for emergency hugging sessions and “reaffirmation of student self-worth and specialness.”

“We had to take action,” Dr. Kenneth Wumbirde, Dean of Student Wonderful Experiences told The Lint Screen. “Effective immediately, we are banning the sales of chalk and chalk-like products on campus, and beginning to rip out sidewalks and replace them with soft green grass that will gently tickle the soft underfoot of our student body. Who has five little piggies?! You do, you do!.” the esteemed academician said in a high-pitched voice before catching himself and clearing his throat. “And if this horrific graffiti problem persists, we will commence tearing out stairs and toppling buildings so that the perpetrators have no available real estate for their focused aggressions.”

Many student support groups had begun and the University has brought in teams of psychiatrists to help with counseling.

“We must protect our student body from the influences of the outside world,” said Dr. Wumboor. “Students are paying the G.D.P. of Brazil to attend Emory, and they should not have to suffer such outrages.”

March 31, 2016
Airline Flight Has Zero Complaints

Contented passengers enjoying their flight in “spacious cabin.”

For the first time in recorded history, a commercial airline flight had no bellyaching about a lack of legroom in the cabin.

“It’s a miracle,” said Flight Attendant Sheila Wesporde who worked American Airlines flight #491 from Phoenix to Los Angeles.on March 27. “I get tired of hearing people complain about the lack of legroom in their seats. It just gets old. I mean, I don’t design the planes or anything–– I just work them.”

“All our passengers on this flight were perfectly delighted,” said Roger That, Public Relations Specialist with the airline. “Our spacious aircraft are designed to afford passengers acres of ample legroom so they can stretch out and feel like they’re roaming the great planes of America! Planes with great planes spaces, yes indeedy!” The toothsome 40-something man smiled and gave a thumbs up.

“And I flew the plane,” said Capt. Lyle Westhurn. “I’m a pilot!”

A tumbleweed blew up the aisle as a coyote howled in the distance as a reporter from The Lint Screen scurried to hide in the restroom.

March 28, 2016
Charlie Brown Getting Hair!

Mr. Charlie Brown wants to finally, FINALLY get happy–– with a full head o’ hair!

Poor Charlie Brown. He’s lived 68-years as a kid with precious little hair and an obvious growth hormone problem, trapped in an existential hell with a crew of kids who never age and continue to repeat the same mistakes endlessly!

But at least one aspect of his life is about to change–– “Chuck” is getting some hair!

“I’m sick and tired of this crap,” said an irate Brown. “When Charles M. Schulz created me, the lazy slug just gave me a doodle for hair. A doodle! Can you believe the nerve!”

Brown said he has gone through decades of expensive therapy to deal with the issues caused by his lack of hair. He has been seeing the noted psychiatrist Dr. Lucille “Lucy” Van Pelt. “Although she only charges five cents a session, I’ve accumulated well over $300,000 in shrink fees. Of course, it doesn’t do much for my self-confidence when she also repeated promises to hold the football for me to kick, then pulls it away at the last minute. But I keep falling for that crap. What a schmuck!”

“Charlie Brown is a big crybaby,” responded Dr. Van Pelt. “He can bitch all he wants, and I’m not betraying any professional confidences here when I say that the dude is way more than a few bananas short of a bunch! The cat’s totally bonkers!”

She should know.

Charlie Brown says his new hair will give him confidence and boost his fragile self-esteem. “I plan on joining The Hair Club For Men,” said Brown. “I’m getting more plugs than a Super Bowl game, and once my thick bushy head of hair comes in, look out! Ol’ Chuckie Brown’s going to be the man all the ladies want!”

When Brown was told by The Lint Screen that his main crush, The Little Red-Haired Girl, had recently shacked up with Schroeder, his confidence crashed. “Rats! It’s always the musicians, isn’t it? They’re like catnip for hot babes. I guess I’m just a loser, after all. Sigh.”

March 14, 2016