• New Gov’t Program To Solve Deficit Crisis!

    Washington legislators tackle pesky deficit problem to ensure we remain the land of milk ‘n honey!
    In a unified bipartisan effort, lawmakers from both the Democratic and Republican Parties have rallied together and devised an innovative new plan to defeat the growing United States deficit problem.

    Effective February 1, 2011, the Federal Deficit Reduction/Tax Cutting & Enhanced Entitlement Program goes into effect at a projected cost of $6.9 trillion. This program will employ 5.5 million Americans who will review ways to cut taxes for the wealthiest 1% of Americans while creating enhanced entitlement programs for the other 99%.

    “It’s really pretty brilliant,” said a Republican legislator, “we’ll cut unemployment by hiring over five and a half million Americans and boost the economy by giving huge tax breaks to the wealthy that will trickle down to commoners. Then, we’ll give extended government entitlements. This will trigger hiring even more government employees to manage the paperwork. This means we’ll cut unemployment even more!”

    “Our program should be called ‘having your cake and eating it, too!’” said a Democratic legislator who also was also involved with the creation of this new government body. “The best thing about the program is that no one has to sacrifice.”

    The estimated cost of the new deficit reduction program will bring the U.S. government deficit to just over $20 trillion. Some legislators are grumbling about the program saying that we need to form a new governmental agency to look into ways of reducing the size of government.

  • More Bad News, Good News

    Is this appropriate garb for funerals?
    Relatives I don’t know are dropping like flies, but they wish to leave me their fortunes.

    Should I show grief or good fortune? I’m not sure if I should wear black or a gold lamay suit. Perhaps I can find a nice black gold lamay suit.

    Not a week after I was informed I’m in for a $36 million inheritance from the untimely passing of a relative I didn’t know, I find out another distant relative has croaked leaving me his fortune! The following message (reprinted exactly) came to my e-mail box:
    Attention.

    I am Mr Hussien Ahmed.An attorney at law in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia. I am in an urgent need of your co-operation to re-profile the sum of $5.800,000.00 united state dollars to your name as the next of kin to a deceased client of mine whose last name you bear.

    Upon the retrieval/receipt of this money in any of your designated bank account. We will share it on an agreed percentage.More details will be given to you once receive a positive response from you.

    Kindly get back to me as soon as possible.

    Regards,

    Mr.Hussien Ahmed.

    While I wish this relative had worked harder, let’s face it–– $5.8 million isn’t exactly $36 million, I will accept the money. Concerning this “agreed percentage” you wrote of, I suggest 100% for me, 0% for you. If my calculations are correct, that means you owe me $5.8 million united states dollars.

    Mr. Hussien Ahmed, I thank you. I’ve forwarded all the personal financial information you requested– credit card numbers, bank account numbers, passwords, etc. Please let me know when the check’s in the mail and on its way.

    Gold lamay suits ain’t cheap.

  • Dead Rich Distant Relative Like Winning Lottery

    Cry not, sweet tombstone angel–– soon we’ll be rich!
    One of the things I love about this digital world is the ability to connect to people. It’s both remarkable and can be quite profitable.

    Case in point: a recent dispatch I received from a good man named ‘Rene Keita.’ I’m not sure where this person is from, but he is a kind, caring, compassionate soul who only wants to assist me in finding wealth as a result of the tragic passing of a distant relative I never knew I had!

    Read his urgent message to me below and you’ll see my good fortune!

    Dear Patrick Scullin,
    I am Personal lawyer to Engr.M.J. Scullin , who died in an auto accident along side with his family. After all investigation even with the relevant embassy has yielded no results showing that there is no living next of kin.
    I hereby solicit for your immediate response and positive committed efforts to facilitate the fund remittal of total sum $31 million USD before it get confiscated by the bank. This fund was left behind with a bank by my late client.I have all the necessary proof
    Upon your positive response to this covenant, I will make all necessary information known to you. please get in touch with me through my email at ( rene.keita@hotmail.fr ) for more details.
    Yours
    Rene Keita

    I am in for a cool $31 million clamollas, and I didn’t even have to scratch a lottery ticket to win! One Scullin gets planted in the earth, the other plucks the monetary fruits of his life’s labor. What could be easier?

    I’ve dispatched all my personal information to Rene Keita and imagine I’ll soon be hob-nobbing amongst the swells (“Hello, Mick Jagger, do you know my friends, Alan Thicke, Doug Henning, Lorraine Bracco and Richard Belzer?”) I’ll be a fabulously wealthy fat cat, thanks to the untimely death of a dearly departed relative I never knew but feel eternally grateful to.

    It’s this kind of connectivity that I believe will make this internet thing go from being a fad to a real sensation and perhaps a permanent useful tool.

    Has the internet changed your life for the better? Please share.

  • 12 WikiLeaks Blockbusters

    Someone vigorously denies always leaving the toilet seat up.
    Discerning newshounds do not wish to wade through the morass of the 250,000 leaked diplomatic cables posted recently by WikiLeaks, so the staff of The Lint Screen have selected the following choice morsels for your enlightenment and amazement.

    1. Russian prime minister, Vladimir Putin is reported to frequently brush his teeth without first flossing. “It is an absolutely outrageous allegation,” says a source close to the Ruskie leader. “Mr. Putin always has minty-fresh breath and almost no tartar or plaque build-up. Obviously his dental hygiene is second to none!”
    2. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki leaves the seat up.
    3. Hillary Clinton thinks the best way to persuade Egyptian leaders is by using a stage whisper, winking and making occasional wild bird sounds.
    4. The secret handshake of Hamas involves elbows, ear wriggling and yogurt.
    5. Russia’s president, Dmitry Medvedev is allegedly afraid of moths and saber-toothed tigers.
    6. China isn’t buying “the check’s in the mail” explanation for the payback of U.S. debt. Officials say the government will soon try a new tact: “We’re going to claim that we’ve run out of checks and are waiting for new ones to arrive.”
    7. French president Nicolas Sarkozy reportedly is a bad french kisser. “He spits like a camel sucking on a lemon.”
    8. The spat between Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Saudi’s King Abdullah began years ago when the Iranian leader lent the King his CD of Led Zeppelin’s Houses of The Holy and it came back “looking like a cat used it as a scratching post.”
    9. Pakistan’s president Asif Ali Zardari rarely eats salads or collects Mardi Gras masks.
    10. The Afghan Taliban’s hygiene is not as good as one might think.
    11. The U.S. cables were downloaded when an security insider hacked into the top secret government security system by correctly guessing the password “1234.”
    12. WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is a bedwetter, according to angry government security figures.

  • Bristol & The Situation Cause End of Civilization

    What do you get when you cross The Situation with Bristol Palin?

    Absolutely nothing!

    The two pop culture icons appear together in a compellingly persuasive new PSA all about safe sex that has proven so effective, people no longer feel the need to have sex.

    Population experts fear the human race may soon become extinct as a result.

  • Pity Morley Safer

    Imagine you’ve spent a distinguished career as a respected journalist, and you finally get a shot to appear in a feature film alongside Bob Schieffer and Chris Matthews and HARRISON FORD!

    You’d be thinking, I’m golden, I got me some cinematic gold dust to sprinkle on my career.

    Unfortunately, the movie is a miserable mess called Morning Glory, the dreaded romantic comedy that has neither believable romance or laughable comedy. Yes, it’s that catnip called a date movie that every male attends knowing in the back of his mind that it will be disappointing, but holding optimistic hope that he may be fooled.

    No such luck here. This sucker never gets airborne.

    The plot is this: a perky producer played by Rachel McAdams is fired from her job working for a morning show in New Jersey. She’s down, she’s out, even her mom loses faith in her dream. Wah wah wahhhhhh.

    But you can’t keep a dreamer down. No, she gets an interview with the lowest ranked morning show on a national network– staffed with a dysfunctional crew and egomaniacal anchors, including an ex-Miss Arizona beauty queen played by Diane Keaton. Rachel gets hired as executive producer by boss man Jeff Goldblum. Hooray for the goodness and dreaming!

    The perky producer begins shaking things up. She fires one anchor (leaving Diane Keaton in her role) and hires a new anchor, a curmudgeonly legendary newsman who has a network contract that says he HAS to take any job offered. This guy is played by a sleepwalking Harrison Ford.

    Now imagine what sort of wacky hijinks might ensue with a lightweight female anchor (Keaton) and a heavyweight newsman anchor (Ford) who despise each other. I guarantee anything you imagined is better and funnier than what writer Aline Brosh McKenna imagined in her screenplay.

    The entire film is plodding, poorly directed and paced by Roger Michell, and ultimately as satisfying as having a popcorn kernel wedged between two teeth. I had that dreaded condition during my screening and it did distract me a bit from the pain of viewing this hateful little film.

    The scene with Morley, Bob, Chris and Harrison is one in which the pompous newsman is on a bender and out with his newsmen pals, and his perky producer comes to make him behave.

    A pity Morley Safer had to be a part of such an embarrassing mess. He may want to go to a war zone to make himself feel better and atone for appearing in Morning Glory.

    As for you, considered yourself fairly warned.

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