The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

  • Outrage Over New TSA “Extra Security Candid Photos”

    The American air-traveling public was upset enough over enhanced TSA pat-down checks and body scans, but now its ire is on full boil with new ‘extra security candid photos’ being enacted in airports nationwide.

    Select travelers are taken into a private security areas where they are asked to disrobe, and in some cases wear revealing costumes, so that they can be photographed by TSA shutterbugs.

    “I can’t believe what they did,” said Mandy Ginhuttin, a 28-year old mechanical engineer who was recently subjected to the new enhanced security check at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta.

    “The TSA guard escorted me to an area that was about the size of a department store dressing room. I was instructed to disrobe and change into a revealing teddy outfit, from Victoria’s Secret, I think. I asked why, and they said it was a top secret security procedure. I did what they said, I was terrified. Then, some sleazy photographer came in and took a couple dozen pictures. He was saying rude things like, ‘Oh yeah, baby, that’s it– make love to the lens, that’s the stuff. Yeah, baby– I’m going to make you a star, sugar, a TSA star!’ After about ten minutes of posing, he told me I did great and I was cleared, I could get clothed and catch my flight. He said I might receive a follow-up call to take part in a video security project he was doing. He said that the film was being shot in some motel close to the airport. Frankly, it all seems pretty sleazy, not to mention suspicious.”

    Another woman, Juanita Vesquez, reported she was asked to don a tight-fitting nurse’s uniform for her photo session. “They told me that apparently a lot of terrorists were dressing in costumes and uniforms and that with my cooperation, they could build some sort of database. It didn’t make much sense to me, but they said I had to either do that or be subjected to an oil rub-down private security check with Yanni music playing in the background. That really creeped me out, so I decided to do the dress-up thing. I had a choice to wear either a nurse uniform, a Catholic school girl outfit or a cheerleader get-up. I think the whole thing was shady, and an incredible invasion of my privacy!”

    When asked about the new security procedure, TSA employees were mum but offered to give this reporter a pat-down with iron pipes if he didn’t move his big mouth along quickly.

  • Obama Considers Buying Ranch

    Obama may soon be growing brush to clear some brush.
    In an attempt to bolster his sagging approval ratings, President Barack Obama is reportedly giving serious consideration to buying a ranch.

    An anonymous source in Obama’s secret inner circle called “The Whispering Shadows of Secrecy And Skullduggery” said the story is absolutely true during a clandestine meeting with this journalist at a popular Washington, D.C. restaurant.

    “Obama’s been in Washington a couple years now,” said the source, “and he just can’t crack that darn bipartisan political nut. I mean, the democrats got hammered in the last elections. We need a huge ‘Hail Mary’ play, and the President thinks he’s got one.”

    The source quickly darted his eyes around the restaurant nervously, then hurridly applied gum spirits and a fake Van dyke beard to his face. He spoke in angel kiss-soft hushed whisper.

    Reagan puts in a good day’s work.

    “The President is an astute student of history and he’s been studying common traits of popular presidents of recent times. He believes he’s cracked the code for gaining favor with the American public: brush clearing.”

    The antsy man quickly reached into his suit jacket pocket and put on a pair of dark granny sunglasses. He continued his whispering but affected a Romanian accent.

    “Look, Ronald Reagan was an actor before he got into politics, right? So he naturally understood the importance of set design, wardrobe, props– the whole enchilada. What’s he do when approval ratings sag? He spends some time on a ranch clearing brush and voila, his popularity skyrockets! Genius, sheer genius!”

    The nervous source quickly donned an orange leather fedora hat with a long peacock feather propped out of the brim, darted his eyes about the room and continued in a whisper.

    W. knew the importance of clearing brush.
    “Now fast forward to George W. Bush’s two-term presidency. W. had his ranch near Crawford, Texas. He made 77 trips there over his eight years as president and spent all or part of 490 days there. That’s a lot of brush clearing, but he did it gladly to get out of the Washington bubble. Obama’s finally getting the message: the public likes a president who can clear him some brush!”

    The unnamed source quickly dove beneath the table and continued. “Once Obama gets his ranch, raises some brush and then clears same brush, well, look out. He’ll be a lock for a second term.”

    With that, the Washington insider began crawling in a serpentine pattern across the restaurant floor toward the door and vanished into the street, sticking this reporter with the check.

    Washington insiders definitely know how to play hardball.

  • “Due Date” Way Overdue in The Laugh Department

    Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting some more for laughs to arrive. Will they ever come?
    I can’t recall if it was Gene Siskel or Roger Ebert who came up with ‘beware three or more writers rule’, but he was very wise.

    The rules is simple: if a screenplay has three or more people listed in the credit, you’ve got an early warning sign it’s going to be a bad movie. Well, Due Date has four people credited as writers. Four writers, including director Todd Phillips, who should be ashamed for bringing this project to fruition.

    Then again, there’s no excuse for talented actors like Robert Downey, Jr. and Zach Galifianakis to get involved with a script this bad unless they are illiterate or really hard up for cash.

    The premise of the film is pretty simple: it’s Planes, Trains & Automobiles with some wacky plot twists and a cute dog thrown in for good measure (cute dogs are Hollywood’s catnip for guffaws). Whereas PT&A was fresh and funny, this film is stale and barely amusing.

    If you saw the trailer, save your money. You’ve seen the best parts of the film. If you’re a diehard Downey, Jr. or Galifianakis fan, wait for the video. If moviegoers waste good hard-earned cash on claptrap like this, Hollywood will keep serving us more.

    It’s time to send a message. I’ve done my part.

    I feel like watching Planes, Trains & Automobiles again.

  • Lonely Cute Kitten On Moon Lost Oilade Job Hunting Swedish Bikini Team With Fab Four X-ray Porn

    You want ’em, we got ’em– PORK BRAINS!
    The statistical analysis department here at The Lint Screen recently issued a 146-page report detailing the most popular key words that have attracted readers to this site.

    According to the number crunchers, here’s the catnip for curious eyeballs:
    moon
    lost
    Swedish Bikini Team
    job hunting
    X-ray porn
    cute kitten
    oilade
    fab four
    lonely

    These key words are the cheese that attracts the most people on our planet to this hub of intelligencia and good taste.

    So, the marketing department of The Lint Screen suggested we do a posting that combined all these power players in one entry. Like a dream team playing its greatest hits, if you will.

    Here we are. And just for good measure, the creative department (usually lazy no-goodniks with feet propped on desktops and heads nestled in clouds) wanted to add something new: pork brains (who knows, maybe these two words will attract new readers to Lint).

    Feel free to poke around the key words above and see what’s the most popular Lint to date. Please come again because we may be cooking up some more pork brains with the culinary department here at Lint.

    Pork brain pastries, perhaps?

  • Whisk Broom Elected Senator

    New Senator of Wisconsin!
    Yesterday’s dramatic election sent a strong message to Washington, D.C.: “Get outta here, you bums, we’re sick and tired of your infernal shenanigans– so much so that we’re going to send all kinds of looneys to replace you just to prove a point of how hacked-off we are!”

    And so it came to pass that a number of incumbents were tossed aside like yesterday’s spent coffee grinds in favor or radical “antiestablishment” candidates, including in one surprising upset, a whisk broom was elected the new Senator from the great state of Wisconsin.

    An actual whisk broom!

    “Originally, we put the whisk broom in the election as a joke,” said Marty Fingletreat, chairman of the Angry Tea Dumper Party, “but then it started doing really well in the polls. We knew this inanimate object might have a chance. So, we got some serious PAC money behind us to slam the broom’s opponent, and bippity-boo-scattamazoo– whiskers the broom won! What an incredible story, a true American tale. It’ll be interesting to see how it does in Washington. We’re already raising funds for whisk broom’s reelection.”

    And so is written a new chapter of American politics. Sweet dreams, citizens, sleep well.

  • The First Concert, The Last Great Concert

    A man named Alice and his excellent band.
    Not long ago, this year’s inductees into The Rock And Roll Hall of Fame were announced. Among them were three of my favorites: Alice Cooper, Donovan and Tom Waits.

    An eclectic trio for sure.

    My first exposure to a national recording act was seeing Alice Cooper in the fall of 1971 in Cleveland, Ohio (not far from where The Hall of Fame stands today). Alice and his band had just released their second album, “Killer”, and the rock show’s line-up was a stew of styles–– Sha-Na-Na, The J. Geils Band and Alice Cooper in full theatrical regalia and pyrotechnics. Alice taunted the crowd with his boa constrictor (literally) and was hung from the gallows. Not bad, eh?

    Alice and his band were incredible performers, charismatic and infectious. The music was hard driving and testosterone-fueled. It was a hell of an introduction for rock shows and still stands in my top five of all time.

    Tom always delivers. Always.
    The last great concert I’ve attended was Tom Waits at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. Like Alice, Waits is a masterful showman. He just uses less mascara and 100% fewer reptiles.

    Waits is one of my favorite songwriters; a man who’s voice is distinctive and extremely polarizing. There are very few people I spend money to see these days. Tom Waits is definitely in that short list. A must-see.

    Hippy dippy hurdy gurdy man delivers songs of love.
    As for Donovan, regrettably I’ve never seen him live but good gobs of gravy did the guy write some great songs that will endure forever.

    Advertisers have discovered the power of Donovan. You can hear his work on spots from General Electric and Microsoft. Yes, his music that good.

    It’s good to see these three transformative artists pass into the pearly gates in Cleveland. It’s certainly about time.

    Remember your first? Your last great? Do share.

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