Donald J. Trump is a man who deeply believes in justice and the rule of law. He came by The Lint Screen offices to discuss his views.

“I’m someone who wants to right wrongs,” the president said. “Last week’s testimony from Cohen was nothing but a bunch of lies. Cohen should go to prison for a very, very long time. But if there is any proof that this ‘Individual 1’ does actually exist, then we should find out who it is. I have instructed my Attorney General Matt Whitaker that I want very tough prosecution of this Individual 1. We can’t have someone like that running around.”

Trump said he believes laws are sacred and must be enforced.

“If someone steps outside of the law, that person should be prosecuted. But if that person demonstrates loyalty, then I have the right to pardon him. That is justice because nothing is more important than loyalty.”

The big guy is not a fan of Bob Mueller.

“Mueller and his band of angry Democrats are wasting taxpayer money bribing people like Cohen to tell lies. He is a weak man. Very weak. But if Cohen is actually lying to protect this mysterious Individual 1, then let’s find out who that person is. He sounds like one bad hombre. It’s my job to protect America, and no one has ever done it better. But I suspect Individual 1 is probably a lie because Mueller is on the biggest witch hunt in history. He needs to be shut down fast. No collusion, no climate change, no MBS murdering journalists!“

President Trump sure knows how to be commander-in-chief!

After deploying over 5,000 troops to the southern United States border for protection against the horrendously dangerous caravan, the Big Fella made an executive decision to send the soldiers out west and is putting them on clean-up duty instead.

“The president wants to stop all the western forest fires,” White House spokeswoman Amy Kunderew told The Lint Screen. “All these horrible fires are ravaging the land because the forest floors haven’t been cleaned in years. They’re disgraceful. Filfthy! We’ve become a laughingstock in Finland. So the president is being very presidential by ordering troops to take corrective cleaning action. They will be armed with Dyson vacuum cleaners and given the assignment of cleaning forest floors.”

When asked if this move was another craven publicity stunt by the president using the military, Kunderew scoffed.

“Absolutely not. President Trump has the highest regard for U.S. troops. Unless of course, if it’s raining. He used our troops and protected millions of innocent Americans from the deadly caravan that was moving very fast and then after the midterms slowed to a crawl for some mysterious reason. But now our leader wants to protect Americans by having the troops execute their new duty of cleaning the forest floors. We’re even airlifting-in Swiffers and feather dusters! President Trump is taking this action even if it benefits liberals. He is that kind of a president! He only thinks of others, never himself.”

The president made it clear today he doesn’t care how powerful you are–– if you refuse his “embrace” you are in serious trouble.

Today Donald Trump called The Lint Screen and began an epic rampage against God The Almighty.

“Look, I like God,” Trump said. “He’s a good guy, good work ethic. Did some amazing things in just seven days. Tremendous things–– light, water, animals, people, apple trees, cable TV. But lately, He has not been so good to me.”

Trump is upset the diety seemingly is making his life difficult.

“I went to France,” the president said. “I wanted to honor the people who died in wars. They’re what I call soldiers. Many people don’t know that I coined the term “soldiers.” Anyway, I wanted to go and honor the soldiers who died in World War I. That was a big war. A very big war. It was like the whole world was at war. But I couldn’t go to the World War I ceremony because God made it rain. Incredible rain. Very dangerous rain. The kind that makes people wet rain. Why had God forsaken me? What did I ever do to God? I love God, and this is how He pays me back? Not good, God. Not good at all, let me tell you.”

Trump continued his rant.

“Meanwhile, California has wildfires. Awful fires. But does God give California rain? No. But, maybe it’s California’s fault because they did not support me in the election. A very blue state. So, maybe God is paying them back. Maybe God isn’t such a bad guy. We’ll see. We’ll see. God, if You’re listening, it’s not too late to accept the embrace. The embrace is good. The embrace can do miracles, believe me. Take the Trump embrace. And call off Mueller’s witch hunt.“