Manafort was convicted on eight of eighteen counts of financial crimes. He served as Trump’s campaign manager until he was revealed to be an agent for a foreign adversary and released from his post.
“Paul is a patriot,” Trump said. “A true-blue American hero who has been unfairly charged. Everyone cheats on their taxes and defrauds banks. Big deal! Since when are those things crimes? But Paul took it like a man. He didn’t blab like some scared school girl and tell hushed secrets. That’s what sniveling cowards do, they sing like a canary. I have one word of advice, snitches get stitches. Remember that. Snitches get stitches.”
Trump took a deep inhale. “It will be my honor to bestow our country’s highest honor on Paul Manafort. He deserves it.” Trump got agitated.
“But what about Crooked Hillary and Obama? Why aren’t they locked up? And Mueller? And Chuck Todd? And Jeff Sessions? And Nancy Pelosi? And kneeling NFL players? And people who don’t cook KFC extra crispy even you tell them you want it cooked extra, extra crispy! And…”
The Prez handles the bad news with a stiff upper lip.
Even though Donald J. Trump didn’t serve in the military, he still knows how to be a good soldier. A very good soldier who deserves a medal!
When the president received the awful news yesterday that his planned military parade would be too costly to hold, he acted like a big boy and canceled it all by himself.
“We’re all very proud of the president,” Defense Secretary James Mattis told The Lint Screen. “He has had a very rough week, what with the Omarosa tapes, Mueller’s constant witch hunting, the Manafort trial, and Melania’s neverending migraines and sleeping with a gun under her pillow for protection against intruders in her bedroom. President Trump was really looking forward to his military parade and seeing horsies and marching bands. He was even hoping there would be elephants and men in fez caps driving funny little cars.”
White House insiders say the president threw a temper tantrum when he heard how expensive the parade would be. He suggested cutting social security to fund it. “Old people get all the treats,” he whined.
His advisors said cutting social security would not be a smart political move since old people tend to watch Fox News and vote. Trump stomped his feet (no doubt agitating his bone spurs), threw a chair, and fell to the floor kicking and screaming, “I wanna parade! I wanna parade! You promised!”
Generals Kelly and Mattis sprang into action. They lifted the president up from the floor, straightened his comically long necktie and promised if he behaved himself they’d arrange for him to get a pony ride, balloons, and cotton candy.
“Will you also take me to KFC for a big bucket and mashed potatoes and gravy?” the president asked politely.
“Yes,” Kelly said. “But only if you’re a good boy,” Mattis added.
The president jumped up and down excitedly. “Deal!” The generals smiled. Trump then punched each man in the stomach and shouted, “Suckers!” He giggled mischievously and ran out of the Oval Office to hide.
U2 is not known for being political, but the Irish rockers are making a move to the most political place on Earth–– 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!
Bono told The Lint Screen today that the band’s next album will be recorded in the situation room in the White House.
“I heard the Omarosa track with General Kelly, and I flipped out,” the dreamy Dublin crooner croaked. “The acoustics were incredible, rich and resonant, sonically spectacular. I think that magical space will be perfect for our band’s next album. Don Was will be producing, and he is completely jacked about working in ‘the sitch.’”
The album, tentatively titled Butterflies in a Death Spiral, will begin sessions on August 30. There has been no word if Omarosa or Kelly will make guest appearances.
“We’d love to have them,” Bono said, “if their labels will let them do it.”
The veep boldly goes where no man has gone before, sort of.
Mike Pence is the perfect second banana, a loving, loyal lapdog eager to please his master and lick his face. The V.P. ‘took the con’ on Thursday and announced the sixth branch of the U.S. military, Space Force.
“High above the clouds and below heaven, there is a place called space,” Pence declared. “Because space is dark, Space Force soldiers will need flashlights. Big ones. The kind with six or eight size D batteries. And since there may be bad guys in space, Space Forcers will need guns, lots of guns. White hats, too. They’ll need megaphones, too, since they say in space no one can hear you scream. We’re investigating what size batteries megaphones use.”
Pence appeared confident as he made this special announcement for President Trump who was on vacation. Pence had swagger, like Barney Fife showing the bullet he keeps in his shirt pocket to Goober, Emmett, and Floyd the barber.
“This administration believes Space Force soldiers need to look their absolute best,” Pence told The Lint Screen. “To make sure that happens, we have hired the best designer in the universe. I’m excited to announce that Space Force uniforms will be designed by the one, the only–– Ivanka, from the prestigious House of Ivanka. And to house Space Force on the moon, plans are being drawn for a Lunar Trump Tower to be constructed soon. The luxurious property will be surrounded by a big, beautiful wall to keep aliens out. A wall that will be paid for by Mexico.”
Pence began getting teary-eyed. “Space Force will make our glorious leader happy. And that makes me happy, too.” Pence sobbed quietly, regained his composure and continued.
The mysterious organization is opened up like a tin of tuna.
“The Storm” is brewing and its name begins with Q.
QAnon, a group of fanatics who see scary monsters in every shadow, is now out in the open and nervously sweating. The Lint Screen does a deep dive into this mysterious organization so you’ll be informed, aware, and paranoid.
“Q” is the handle of a senior member of the deep state who is peeling back the shrouds of secrecy that have engulfed Washington, DC for centuries. Q is rumored to be John F. Kennedy Jr. (who faked his death to avoid telemarketers and Ted Cruz’s father “The JFK Slayer”), or, Gene Rayburn, the ex-game show host who allegedly died in 1999 while fluffing his pillow. Whoever he is, Q leaves clues or “breadcrumbs” for his followers, and like Hansel and Gretel, they safely journey further into the dangerous dark forest.
Here are some breadcrumbs from Q––
The Rothschild family controls everything. If something terrible happens, The Rothschild gang was behind it. Even broken shoelaces and 9-11. They are also the reason you never get the winning lottery ticket–– they own them all! The fix is in.
Hillary Clinton is a secret Russian agent who is a sex slave of Justin Trudeau and now leads a pedophile ring for her sleazeball husband and the cast of Full House.
Since George Washington, every president has hated America with a vengeance and worked to shatter democracy and enslave their constituents. Their end goal is to have a nation of hemp farmers working the fields while they sip tea on the veranda of the big house and giggle.
If someone orders pizza, that person is a pedophile. Pizza and pedophilia go together naturally. It’s the real reason Papa John got canned.
Queen Elizabeth is a cannibal who ate the remains of Princess Di. When she wears The Crown, she has superhuman powers like an excellent credit rating, juggling chainsaws, and killer laser beam eyes. She also secretly records angry rap music in her Buckingham Palace sound studio. She is looking into opening a Soundcloud account to get more exposure.
The Pope is an Islamic terrorist. Or, possibly a liberal Methodist.
The Illuminati rule the world through dry cleaning shops, using chemicals that brainwash patrons when they wear their freshly pressed clothes, resulting in zombie-like behavior–– paying too much for cable, using fluorinated toothpaste, recycling plastic.
Hillary’s pal Huma Abedin, the ex-wife of Anthony Weiner (a master of Photoshop), does not like Chick-fil-A. She is a bad actor.
George Soros is the bastard child of Adolf Hitler and Gloria Swanson. Soros wants to take over the world to torture all humanity. He also dreams of competing on So You Think You Can Dance.
Morning Joe and Mika murdered Antonin Scalia in cold blood.
Colin Kaepernick brings a patch of Astroturf with him when he attends church, but he refuses to kneel on it because the service only plays hymns.
Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are secretly married and in the basement of their home in Burlington, Vermont, they are breeding adult radical socialist children.
Obama kills puppies for fun and says he enjoys hearing “their last little innocent yelps” because he never had a dog in his Kenyan youth where he plotted the destruction of America.
Chuck Todd has accumulated over $22,312,000 in overdue library fines and is in the pocket of “big book” interests.
Climate change is a liberal plot to make humans sweat profusely and boost business for the HVAC trade.
Kim Jong Un‘s real name is Chet (“Axman”) McGuillicutty, and he played cornerback for the University of Virginia. He mostly rode the bench due to his lack of athleticism. Because of his lackluster collegiate career, Kim Jong Un wants to nuke the world “for payback and to get the attention of the hot cheerleaders.”
With all these horrific dangers underway, QAnon members take solace in the fact Donald J. Trump is the leader of the free world and will wipe out evil like Mr. Clean on an amphetamine and espresso jag.
Q gives his followers hope with these optimistic insights:
God put Trump in office because He knew DJT was the man for the job (and Jesus was busy). The Donald is an upright and righteous citizen fully aware of all the darkness around him and will strike when the time is right and slay all the snakes, leading true believers to the promised land of an America made great again. Either that, or he’ll post some vicious Tweets and take down his enemies.
Trump packs a luger in his bulky suit jacket and will dispatch “justice” at a moment’s notice to save humanity. When you see The Donald crossing his arms, know that he is preparing for the worst, always.
The Trumpster relies on truth tellers like Alex Jones and Sean Hannity. These trustworthy men are beacons of glorious illuminating light in the dark, dark world of fake news and pharmaceutical commercials. Jones, Hannity, and Fox and Friends proclaim the truth narrative–– the gospel upon which we all can believe and have implicit faith.
Trump communicates directly to QAnon members by making references in his speeches to the number 17 (the letter Q is about the seventeenth one in the alphabet). Witness these quotes from recent DJT rally speeches––
“I am doing a great job. Some say the job I’m doing is seventeen times greater than any other president. Seventeen!”
“She was just seventeen if you know what I mean.”
“Chant ‘lock her up’ seventeen times.”
“When I was seventeen, it was a very good year.”
“Q, if you’re listening–– SEVENTEEN! Seventeen, what a number. Seventeen.”
Sleep well, America. Q and DJT will help you get your peaceful Zs.
Rudy Giuliani, President Donald J. Trump’s TV attorney, came to The Lint Screen offices and clarified some of the confused narratives about his client. He had aides set up a podium and bank of microphones and began making his case.
“The president definitely knew about Don junior’s meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower before it happened,” Giuliani said. “But I’m not saying there ever was a meeting in Trump Tower. A lot of reporters have been asking me about this alleged Trump Tower meeting, which there probably definitely wasn’t. But even if there was a meeting and the president knew about it and he conspired with the Russians and laundered money for them and helped them influence our election in his favor so he’d win and be Putin’s puppet, it’s not a big deal–– collusion is not a crime. Stealing a Snickers, that’s a crime. Killing a nun in Times Square, that’s a crime. But not collusion. It’s a total witch hunt. Collusion’s not a crime and never has been. But there was no collusion if there was collusion, which there wasn’t. And what if there collusion?! No crime. It’s crystal clear, right?”
The Lint Screen editorial staff asked for clarification.
Giuliani paused. “Look, let’s not play the gotcha game here. The president has never wavered in his statements. There was no collusion, and the president has always said Michael Cohen is Satan–– he’s the worst scumbag in history and a pathological liar. He barely knew Cohen, and the president never trusted him. The president has always said Comey is a traitor, an Obama mole working for Kenya, and he’s a mass murderer. Our commander-in-chief also said Crooked Hillary eats infants, had Mother Teresa killed for funsies and buys pizza for her pedophile pals, and that the Democrats want immigrants to take all our good jobs, rape our women, and get our kids to smoke reefer cigarettes and loiter at the soda shop thumbing magazines they’ll never buy. Donald J. Trump has always told it like it is. The American people need to understand that the president will always protect them no matter what.”
The ex-mayor laughed. “It’s funny how the fake news media is trying to stop the president from making America great again. They report on things he says as if people are supposed to take him literally. Let me tell you this. Our president is a man of his word, one hundred percent. Donald J. Trump is the most honest man I know. And if you read or hear something that doesn’t sound like truth, don’t believe it because it’s just the fake news media trying to bring the president down. They can’t stand a guy as trustworthy and honest as him. Someone who has dedicated his life to helping others, doing the right thing, and doing the work of Jesus until he returns again and takes us all to our heavenly home. It could be any day now. We’ll see. We’ll see. And if people do hear or see things they don’t believe or like about the president, remember this–– hypothetically speaking, there is no reality. So people should have faith that if there were a reality, Donald J. Trump will take care of them and keep them safe. That’s all I’m saying if I even exist.”
