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Trump Saves Children From “Evil Democrats”

Another crisis averted as Trump takes strong and decisive MAGA action!

President Donald J. Trump is a very busy man. When he’s not bringing about world peace, making new pals with strong and very talented leaders, he is spreading love and compassion for all of humanity.

The big man called The Lint Screen today for some exclusive quotes about the recent brouhaha at the border.

“I had to do something,” the prez said, “the evil Democrats were stealing crying babies from their parents and locking them up. I’m sure Nancy Pelosi and Crooked Hillary were going to dip the poor kids in vats of hot oil. Then, Chuck Schumer would stick the crispy little buggers with sharp spears. That’s not right. That’s bad. Very bad. And frankly, it’s not very American.”

Trump cracked open a Diet Coke and continued.

“This was a big problem, separating parents from their kids, even if the parents are illegals and probably rapists and murders or members of MS-13. But the kids? The kids are probably pretty innocent. I mean, most of the kids probably are. Maybe not all of them, but most of them are fine. Good kids. Maybe a little criminal, stealing things, lighting fires, making bombs. There’s always some bad apples. Anyway, I couldn’t stand by and watch the Democrats rip innocent babies away from their criminal families. So, I took action. That’s what I do. I’m very good at taking action. I’m like a presidential action figure. Much better than Obama, everyone says so. And I was incredible on ‘The Apprentice’–– did an amazing job. Much, much better than Schwarzenegger.”

Trump could be heard patting himself on the back.

“So I went to Congress, and I said don’t take these kids from their parents. I told the lawmakers they had to fix this problem. They need to get the money to build my wall. The wall will solve everything. A big, beautiful wall will keep illegal parents and their kids out. That will protect them from the horrible Democrats. And since over 2,000 kids are still missing, I told the dairy companies to put all their faces on milk cartons. That always works. We’ll find them. I know we will. I love children. I’m a very loving man, everyone says so.”

Trump took a deep breath.

“And Mueller needs to call off his very unfair witch hunt. There was absolutely no collusion. It’s a total witch hunt. Complete disgrace.”

June 20, 2018
TrumpKim Fest Day One Highlights

When Kimmie met Donnie, the world held its breath and mumbled prayers.

And it came to pass that the glorious two met, the brothers in nuclear arms. The Lint Screen was there with this transcript from the first face-to-face conservation between Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un.

DT: Hello, Kimmie. I call you Kimmie because you are my friend.

KJ: Hello, Mr. T.

DT: I call Putin Pootie. My nickname.

KJ: Clever.

DT: Kimmie, I’m sure we’re going to have tremendous chemistry and forge an incredible relationship. We’ll have amazing talks. The best talks.

KJ: Absolutely. For sure. Dude.

DT: We are two of the world’s greatest leaders. Ever. Much better than Justin Trudeau. He’s dishonest.

KJ: Weak.

DT: Lots of people think I’ll win a Nobel Prize for meeting you and bringing about peace in the world.

KJ: I will win NBA Championship.

DT: Done. You’ve won it. I will invite you and Dennis Rodman to the White House. Not the Golden State Warriors. They’re very unAmerican. I’ll deport Steph Curry.

KJ: I learned how to drive at age three.

DT: I have a very good brain.

KJ: My brain is the smartest ever.

DT: I had the largest inauguration crowd in history.

KJ: When I was nine, I won yachting races.

DT: I invented yachts. Water, too.

KJ: I have had people killed. Many people.

DT: I would have people killed if it weren’t for the stupid Congress. Laws are very strict. Too strict.

KJ: I put my uncle in front of a firing squad.

DT: I hate Congress. And the fake news media.

KJ: Chicks dig me.

DT: Me, too. Women find me irresistible. My hair is real. Go on, touch it.

KJ: Bouncy, full of body. I do not use product in my hair. Feel.

DT: Very soft. Manageable. Nice.

KJ: I invented hair.

DT: I invented heads. They’re a good place to keep hair.

KJ: I can do one-arm push-ups.

DT: I do no arm push-ups.

KJ: I can levitate.

DT: I can fly. Like a rocket. So help me, God.

KJ: You are an impressive man, Mr. T.

DT: Thanks, Kimmie. I want all your nuclear weapons. Give them to me.

KJ: Sure. Give me all of America’s wealth, and a reality TV show. And a dancing monkey who makes cotton candy. I like cotton candy.

DT: You are a shrewd negotiator, Kimmie. Let’s keep talking.

KJ: Where is Wayne Brady?

DT: ‘Let’s Make A Deal’ Wayne Brady?

KJ: Yes.

DT: Smart.

THE MEN SHOOK HANDS, AND TRUMP HOISTED MR. KIM ON HIS SHOULDERS AND PARADED HIM AROUND TRIUMPHANTLY.

Their meeting was a resounding success.

June 12, 2018
Waldo Asks, “Where’s Melania?”

A hide ‘n seek champ wonders about the first lady.

Waldo Creedendamp is the world’s foremost expert on blending in and becoming invisible, and even he is curious to know the whereabouts of first lady Melania Trump.

“It’s like she’s vanished from the Earth,” Waldo told The Lint Screen as he paged through an Orvis catalog of plaid shirts.

Waldo, a hide ‘n seek champion for over thirty years, said he is “worried sick” about her. “I know all the best hiding places, and I haven’t seen her anywhere.”

Melania was last seen on May 10, four days before she allegedly received kidney surgery. Although one person reported seeing Ms. Trump last week in the White House, the sighting was suspect since the president’s third wife was supposedly using a knife to etch “Melania & Donald 4Ever” into the oval office desk (it is common knowledge that the first lady prefers guns to knives– and guns are lousy for carving into wood).

Waldo and many others are also suspicious of the recent tweet made by Melania that read, “I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!” The conspiracy crowd thinks that the voice of the tweet sounds more like the president than the first lady.

“That’s poppycock!” White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “In fact, I have another tweet Melania just wrote this morning. It reads, ‘I am healthy. Very healthy. Tremendously healthy & very well & thankful that I am married to the greatest leader in history. An incredible leader who acts very presidential & is the victim of the biggest WITCH HUNT ever!!! Everyone is calling it SPYGATE. Horrible! Crooked Hillary, the fake news media, and unAmerican Dems are ruining our country!! #MAGA But I, Melania Trump, am healthy & love my husband VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!! No collusion.‘” Sanders look up and glared at Waldo. “That should settle it once and for all.”

She crossed her arms and pouted dramatically.

“I don’t know,” Waldo said, shaking his head from side to side. “That tweet just doesn’t sound like Melania to me.”

“Shut up, twerp, and get lost,” Sanders shouted at him.

No one has seen Waldo since.

June 3, 2018
Trump’s Cheat Sheet for N. Korea Summit
The prez gets special help to strengthen his superior noodle

While Donald Trump may have “a very good brain” but he still needs a little assistance getting ready for his upcoming North Korean Summit with Kim Jong Un on June 12.

The Lint Screen has obtained a copy of the confidential “cheat sheet” for the president as he prepares for tough negotiations with the North Korean leader.

TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

(WH STAFF–– DO NOT LEAK, LEAKERS WILL BLEED!)
- DO NOT call Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man”
- Yes, “Little Rocket Man” is a brilliant nickname
- Kim Jong Un is Asian, do not be alarmed
- North Korea is different from South Korea–– like North Dakota, and South Dakota are different places
- South Korea GOOD, North Korea BAD!
- There is NO East Korea or West Korea
- No, we do not know why that is. It just is.
- Do not believe Kim Jong Un if he says he is a big fan of THE APPRENTICE
- N. Korea is a communist state, communists are supposed to be our enemies
- N. Korea has nuclear bombs; we do NOT want them to have nuclear bombs
- Nuclear bombs are bad in enemy hands–– they go BOOM!
- DO NOT offer to give Kim Jong Un our nuclear bombs
- DO NOT negotiate for shiny buttons or magic beans
- DO NOT negotiate for Diet Cokes or juicy burgers
- Do NOT negotiate to put a Trump property in N. Korea (maybe next trip)
- YOUR GOAL is to get agreement for complete “denuclearization” by N. Korea–– we’ll explain what “denuclearization” means later
- Yes, “denuclearization” is a funny word
- Do NOT mention “Libya” or “Libyan solution”… PLEASE!
- NO Tweeting at the negotiating table
- Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s hairstyle
- Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s height
- Do NOT comment on Kim Jong Un’s poor English
- Do NOT have prostitutes urinate on the bed. There could be cameras.
- Try not to brag about the size of your inauguration crowd
- You are the BEST negotiator ever, you have made many great deals, the best deals, tremendous deals!!!
- ACT PRESIDENTIAL! YOU ARE VERY PRESIDENTIAL
May 31, 2018
Chatty Insider Blabs About SPYGATE And The Evil Witch Hunt

An anonymous source tells all about Deep State plot against the president!

Watergate had Deep Throat, and now SPYGATE has an even Deeper Throat–– an anonymous insider at the FBI who told The Lint Screen about all the shenanigans afoot by the evil Deep State dedicated to dethroning Donald J. Trump.

“I’ve been with the FBI sixteen years,” the ‘Deeper Deep Throat’ said. “The truth is we have always been stooges and stormtroopers for liberals. When Trump became the GOP nominee, beating out the most talented field of competitors in the history of the world, Hillary Clinton summoned a team of senior FBI officials to a secret meeting at her mansion. I walked in the door and witnessed an orgy going on with loud rock and roll music and the smell of reefer cigarettes. There was a crowd of naked liberals lubed-up and doing the most disgusting and immoral things you can imagine. Horrendous acts. Very bad things.” The agent’s eyes fill with tears as he collects himself and speaks.

“I saw Nancy Pelosi skinning infants and making a coat for herself. Bill Clinton was showing home movies of Hillary killing Vince Foster. Clinton bragged about how his wife sold all the U.S. uranium deposits to our enemies and pocketed the proceeds spending them on sex toys and devil worshipping gear. Hillary held court showing people her missing emails. She was boasting about intentionally orchestrating Benghazi and declared, ‘but they’ll never take Queenie down!’ She began cackling. I couldn’t believe what I saw. James Comey saw the shock on my face and pulled me aside. ‘Listen up, mister innocence, if you see something, say nothing. Nothing! These are our masters, our overlords, and we are their puppets and servants. Never forget that!”

The Fed exhales deeply and chokes back tears. “I always thought the FBI was independent, but now I was seeing how things really worked. This Clinton party was madness. I saw Bob Mueller wearing a Grateful Dead tee shirt at the top of the stairs. He had six ends of a hookah pipe in his mouth. He toked and smiled as a cloud of thick smoke surrounded him. He gave me a peace sign. Obama was burning an American flag and waving his fake birth certificate. ‘I fooled America, and I’m dismantling democracy!’ he shouted. Then my eyes caught Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing shots of tequila and lines of cocaine off a naked Chippendale dancer’s chest and crotch. I became worried about our country. I love America passionately, and these people seemed determined to destroy it.”

The agent breaks down sobbing as this reporter awkwardly stares out the window and whistles. Twenty minutes later, the informant continues.

“Hillary shouted for everyone to listen up. She wanted them to stop their illicit sex acts, wanton drug use, and blatant disrespect for our country. Colin Kaepernick got up off his knee. It was instantly quiet. She demanded the FBI to begin a covert operation against candidate Trump immediately. ‘He is much too smart a businessman and patriot to occupy the Oval Office,’ she said. ‘If Donald J. Trump is elected, he will truly make America great again, and we can’t have that.’ She said that since Trump had such high moral standards and was such a boy scout, the FBI would have to plant evidence to frame him and make him look bad. ‘You guys have your work cut out,’ Hillary said. ‘Trump is as honest and trustworthy as the day is long.’”

The agent says that he is parched and asks for a club soda over cherry Kool-Aid ice cubes with a slice of Thailand mango and a red paper umbrella with a white buffalo artwork. This reporter whipped up his drink as the agent continues his tale of treason.

“Mrs. Clinton commanded Comey to re-open the FBI investigation into her missing emails right before the election. She said that would lull Trump into a confident state and make him more vulnerable. Obama said the FBI must tap Trump’s phones and he wants to listen in. They connived to arrange meetings between Russians and members of Trump’s family. The poor Trump people thought the Russians were interested in marketing a Trump Vodka. They also arranged for an operative named Stormy Daniels to try and seduce him. What a joke, right? As if Trump could be disloyal after taking the sacred vows of marriage to Melania. When Trump refused Stormy’s advances, she asked him for $130,000 for college tuition. He paid it because he believes in the power of education. All the things you see fake news reporting today, they were all planned back then at that party. Even Russian oligarchs flooding money inside Trump properties to make it look like money laundering, and him playing nice with Putin because the Russian leader had the infamous pee tape and was blackmailing Trump.”

The distraught agent shakes his head in disbelief and speaks softly. “This entire SPYGATE caper is the biggest scandal and witch hunt ever. It’s the product of pure evil, an attempt to besmirch the good name of a great man and true patriot. There’s a reason Trump had the largest inauguration crowd ever. He’s the best. As someone who knows intelligence, I’ll tell you this: the only people you should trust are the ones named Trump or Hannity. They are truly the bastions of truth and justice. I’ll say no more.”

With that, the agent stopped his infernal blabbering about SPYGATE and spent forty-five minutes trying to sell this reporter a commemorative Trump Nobel Peace Prize medallion “on the cheap.”

May 24, 2018
Mueller Admits His Investigation Is A Liberal Pot-Fueled Witch Hunt

Big Fed swears his witch hunt is fueled by Hillary’s ganja

G-Man Robert “Big Bobbie” Mueller has had over a year to investigate collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia with bubkes to show (aside from a slew of indictments). Today, The Lint Screen caught up with the towering goon to grill him on his amazing lack of progress.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Mueller said, as he eyes darted about nervously, his pupils playing a rapid ping-pong game. He cupped his paw to his lie hole and leaned forward. “Our investigation is a total sham. The president is absolutely right, this is the biggest witch hunt in history.”

Mueller sat back in his beanbag chair and fired-up a blunt of Alien Asshat marijuana whacky-tobacky. He took a long inhale sucking the smoke deep into his pink sponges. He held it in, suppressing a cough and inflating his chipmunk cheeks. Then, he released a fog of mind-altering stink as he spoke.

“It breaks down like this, bro,” he said, “I’ve always been a flaming liberal, to the left of Karl Marx. I did a stint with the Marines in Nam, just for a cover, and when I got out, I swapped my camos for starched shirts, dark suits, silk neck nooses. The uniform of conformity, dig? Hey, no one would trust me if I let my freak flag fly. My straight act worked because people thought I was some law and order conservative stand-up righteous Republican dude. Pretty cool, right?”

Muller takes another deep toke, turning the remainder of his blunt into lung candy for his hairbrained goofy thinking.

“So, I do my thing being big daddy Fed head. Not a bad gig, really. And after the 2016 election, I get a call from crooked Hillary and Nancy Pelosi. They’re drunk on cheap Chardonnay and pissed about losing the election. They ask me to put a fire under daddy Trump–– want me to do a big investigation, waste a lot of people’s time and taxpayer money trying to make him look bad. I say, ‘cool, let’s hunt the witch!’ They give me a couple keys of primo kush and a case Colt 45 forties, and I round up a posse of liberal stoned ass freaks like myself to carry some torches and help in my charade crusade to burn the Trump empire.”

The tall civil servant begins crying like a little girl who has just seen her pudgy puppy run over by a cement truck.

“It was a setup, man. Trump didn’t do anything bad. Nothing. He’s a good guy. Great guy. The best. His word is gold, a sacred bond. Trump’s known for his impeccable integrity and trustworthiness. He was a big TV star, you know. Stars don’t lie. They don’t have to have dirty deeds done dirt cheap.” Mueller dries his eyes with his pressed suit jacket sleeves, collects himself and continues.

“But that didn’t stop us. We’d wake and bake because witch hunting season was open, bromeister, and we were loaded for bear! Do you want to know what we found? The Trump campaign was a bunch of altar boys. Their morality was beyond reproach. Trump’s tight with Putin–– big friggin deal. The Pootster’s a great leader. But as far as what we were investigating, man, there was no collusion, no cover-up, no nothing.” The Feebie shakes his head and chuckles to himself.

“Now we’re stuck, we got to continue this ridiculous investigation. Chris Matthews and Rachel Maddow’s got to have something to rant about, right? Hannity knows the score, he’s the only guy out there being real and 100%. America is lucky to have a great journalist like him.”

He reaches into his pocket and takes out another fattie. He torches it and it snaps, crackles, and pops its magic evil smoke.

“The truth is, I kind of feel bad for Donald J. Trump, but, what are you going to do?” He bogarts his Thai stick greedily, and Mueller begins a manic giggling jag. “WTF, right?! Dude’s got to do what a dude’s gotta do. Witch hunt, ho, man!”

May 19, 2018