The president called The Lint Screen today to air some grievances.

“Everyone is overreacting to my statements in Helsinki,” Donald J. Trump blasted over the phone. “They are going crazy about a statement I made that they didn’t like. They say it sounded like I didn’t support our intelligence agencies and they claim that I trust Putin more than our own government. It’s all fake news, people. If there was meddling, and who knows if there really was, who knows–– it could have been Russia or anyone else in the world. There are a whole lot of people in the world, believe me. More people than you can imagine. And they’re all suspects. And what about Hillary’s server? Where was it? The statement I made in Helsinki was not what I meant to say. It was the wrong word for what I wanted to say and it’s the fault of the English language. A very poor language. Teresa May should be blamed, it’s her country that invented the stupid English language. Words failed me horribly and that’s very unfair to a stable genius like me.”

We asked him what he talked about with Putin during his two-hour meeting.

“We had a terrific talk, very productive. It was the best talk ever between our nations, everyone says so. We exchanged nuclear codes. I’ll bet you didn’t know the Russian nuclear code is 1…2…3. But it is. Our nuclear codes are much better, they’re more complicated. Putin said he really liked our nuclear codes and he really likes me and thinks I’m doing a great job. He is very strong and powerful and smart–– a great leader like me. He said Russia did not interfere with our elections and I believe him because he was very sincere. I trust him completely. He agrees with me that Mueller is on the biggest witch hunt in history. Very unfair. He said there was no collusion. No collusion! And Putin offered to help us look into the alleged Russian hackers. That’s very kind, an incredible offer. I told him he could send a dozen or so of his best people and we’ll get them offices in the White House and the Pentagon. That made him very happy. He made me a secret agent and gave me a special badge to wear whenever I am in important meetings. I have a badge! We really got along, me and Putin, which is good for America. Before me, the U.S. was ready to get into nuclear wars with both Russia and North Korea. Everyone was terrified. But thanks to my incredible negotiating skills, Kim and Putin are on our side and promised they’d eliminate their nuclear stockpiles. I’m bringing world peace. I have a badge–– I am the sheriff of world peace. That should get me a Nobel Peace Prize. The fake news hates what a great job I’m doing.”

To begin the historic Helsinki meeting between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump, “Pootie” punked the American prez with the classic joy buzzer handshake.

“You’ve got to give Putin round one,” a diplomatic observer told The Lint Screen. “He totally owned the Trumpster with the joy buzzer gag. But Trump did a good job of concealing his surprise. He bit his cheek and took it like a man. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the Putinator doesn’t get Trump again with a whoopee cushion, fake dog poop, plastic vomit or even a concealed fart machine. Putin just plays at a whole other level than Trump. He’s a master.”

Prior to their meeting, Trump trashed talked his own country. “The United States has been a complete disaster with its Russia relations. We have been suspicious of them, and frankly, they seem like really good people. It’s disgraceful. Mother Russia is perhaps the greatest nation on Earth and we should all bow to her everlasting glory.”

Diplomats were shocked by the U.S. president. “It’s like Trump is going into these talks waving a white flag.”

Members of Team Trump vehemently disagreed. “The president is calling it like he sees it,” said national security advisor John Bolton. “If the president is going to make America great again, we have to improve our relationship with Russia and get along with Putin. He is our overlord, let’s admit that and move on.”

Trump and Putin then met for two hours of secret talks with only their translators as witnesses.

UPDATE: The two translators who were in the Trump-Putin Helsinki summit meeting died of mysterious causes. “It was probably poor diets,” said president Trump. “It’s sad. Very sad. But, life goes on.”

The Donald is meeting privately with the Vladinator next week, and the sucking  sound you hear is the world’s collective fearful gasp of disbelief.

When two leaders from nuclear superpowers meet, it’s news. When there is no one there to bear witness, it’s like all the trees have fallen in the forest and our hearing aids are cranked to 11.

Through diligent investigative journalism (and forking over some Four Roses Bourbon and a couple of joints), The Lint Screen has obtained the official ‘discussion topics’ for President Trump when he meets with the beady-eyed ruthless Ruski bastard.

(Excuse me, the doorbell rang, and there’s a delivery. Hey, look–– it’s a powder from Russia. A body talc, perhaps? Let me open it. It smells kind of funny. Ewwwwww, I don’t feel so good…)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The brave, dim-witted reporter rubbed the mysterious Russian powder all over his body, then up and died like Bojangle’s dog. To meet our deadline, this hard scrapple newsman will now detail the list of topics Trump will discuss with Putin. Someone’s got to win Pulitzers around here!

THINGS TO TALK ABOUT WITH POOTIE

1. Do you think I’m the greatest president ever? Many people are saying that–– I’m just wondering if you agree.
2. I heard you invaded Georgia. Do you have any plans on invading Alabama? South Carolina?
3. You’re my friend, right?
4. That Kim Jong-Un is a bit of a nutcase. Do you think he likes me? I said he was very smart and talented, so he should like me, right?
5. If I help Russia, can we build a Trump Tower next to the Kremlin? That’s prime real estate. It would do very good business, I’m sure.
6. Did you hear about my Supreme Court pick? I was very presidential. Everyone says so. I was very impressive. Did an outstanding job.
7. Europe and Canada are bad–– am I right? And Merkel, she’s like maybe a 2, if that. Very poor leader, not camera ready.
8. Would you like a DVD collection of my years on “The Apprentice”? I was the best. I think you’d like it. I had a catch phrase. I won’t tell you what it was; you’ll have to watch to find out. That’s called a cliffhanger…
9. Do you think Ivanka’s a hottie? I do. An incredible woman, very beautiful.
10. Can we go and ride horses with no shirts on? It will make an excellent photo op. I’ve been dieting, looking good.
11. You didn’t meddle in the 2016 elections, right? I told everyone that you never would do that. I said they were stupid to suspect you, but they wanted me to ask anyway. The investigation is the worst witch hunt in history, believe me.
12. About that tape of the Russian girls and me, can I get it back and will you destroy all the copies? Please?
13. How can I help you? I can be very helpful.

Ol’ Glory has had it. The Stars and Stripes have hired Atty. Michael Avenatti and filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump. Avenatti also represents adult film star Stormy Daniels in a lawsuit against Trump.

“It’s outrageous how the president gropes and slobbers over the American flag,” Avenatti told The Lint Screen. “Betsy Ross didn’t prick herself with needles sewing our flag to have that prick assault her honor and glory. It’s disgusting. Who the hell knows where Trump’s tiny hands have been? And he needs to keep his crotch to himself and quit grinding on defenseless national symbols of freedom and liberty.”

“This lawsuit is completely frivolous,” White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. She then read from a prepared statement. “The president represents the American flag and all it stands for and he is loyal and committed to it, like a wife. So, he’s earned the right to have an intimate relationship with Ol’ Glory. After all, this is America! And besides, she keeps teasing him by waving.”

Sanders looked up from her podium. “Anyone have a snack, a sandwich or something? I can’t buy a meal in this town and I’m starved.”

Snowflakes are melting over the border crisis of illegal immigrant children being separated from their parents and scattered across America.

2,300 children are MIA. But not for long!

In a decisive and brave move, first lady Melania Trump took to her Batplane and flew to McAllen, Texas.

The high fashion former model sported an exclusive $39 designer jacket with the message: I DON’T CARE DO U?

Apparently, her FU jacket was at the cleaners.

Sources close to FLOTUS report she is furious that “some cruel and idiotic bonehead” decreed that kids get taken from their parents.

“The first lady is determined to get to the bottom of this problem,” the anonymous source told The Lint Screen. “But first she said she simply must get her nails done–– she says they are positively atrocious and she’s tired of suffering with them. ”

No worries, America, becoming great again is right around the corner.

As Melania Trump says, “Be best.”