The prez’s son-in-law opens up in a candid tell-all
Jared Kushner is the man charged with achieving peace in the Middle East, solving America’s opioid crisis, criminal justice reform, U.S. diplomacy with Mexico and China, reforming care for veterans, and reinventing our entire government to make it work like a business.
One would think a man with so much on his plate would have bags under his eyes, but Jared doesn’t. He simply stares his vacant glare. I asked him to brief The Lint Screen readers on his progress addressing the many tasks on his “honey-do” list. Here is the complete transcript:
J. KUSHNER:
Eleven hours later, Mr. Kushner left. His shirt still crisp, his stare still vacant, and our optimism still resolute we have the right man for the jobs.
Vice President Mike Pence may appear to be a mild-mannered devoutly Christian man, but don’t push him.
Pence lashed out today at Special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign and its ties to Russia. “I got some health advice for Mueller–– bitch best back off, or I’ll cut you,” Pence told The Lint Screen.
Mueller has been investigating Russia ties to the Trump election campaign for a year now, and while many of the president’s advisors have been snagged and are facing criminal charges, there have been no definitive ties to Trump exposed.
“Big Papa D is clean, man. He’s just a righteous dude working up a sweat trying to make America great again,” Pence declared. “The man ain’t got no stink on him. Mueller thinks he can play him, he best be thinking again. Big Papa D will take him down.”
Pence said he would do whatever it takes to protect Trump. “He says cap an ass, I’m capping. He says take a bullet, I’m taking. Soldier got to do what a soldier got to do.”
The vice president and his wife, Karen “Mother” Pence, are known to run a tight crew as enforcers for the president. “Me and my girl got Big Papa D’s back, for sure. Mueller and his boys best remember what Omar said, ‘Come at the king, you best not miss.’ That’s a hundred percent.”
Pence’s nickname is “The Hoosier Hothead” and he says his reputation is earned. “I ain’t afraid to get crunk with anyone. You tell L’il Bobbie Mueller he best watch his back, cuz this boy will tote an ass-whuppin’ he’ll never forget. Word.”
Pence took a razor-sharp Gerber Bear Grylls Folding Sheath Knife from his suit jacket, snapped it open and began cleaning his pearly white teeth with its point. He smiled confidently. “And I ain’t playing.”
Kayne West and Rudy Giuliani recently came by The Lint Screen offices to speak on the record, pound on the editor’s desk and clarify some of the points they say “the fake lamestream media” has gotten wrong. Here is a transcript of what was said:
RG: I’ve been misquoted and I’m sick and tired of it.
KW: I feel ya. Same here. Punk press.
RG: I said the president did NOT use his campaign funds to keep the big yap of Stormy Daniels shut. Candidate Trump paid Michael Cohen out of his checking account for affairs, not his election checkbook. Had he paid for her silence with his election funds, that might be illegal if you’re splitting hairs. But his affair funds are earmarked for legitimate business expenses like silencing porn actresses you’ve accidentally had sex with. Case closed.
KW: Makes perfect sense. It was a business expense.
RG: And let’s face it, $130,000 is chump change. I mean, if he was really serious about keeping her quiet, pay some extra money and have her whacked. That’s a more permanent solution. Stiffs don’t talk.
KW: Right. And look, I NEVER said that slavery was a choice. That’s outrageous, and a complete misquote. I said slavery was something some black people selected as a hobby. These people just liked picking cotton under the crack of the whip and shotguns, with chains and no freedom. It was a thing to do back in the day. Some people were into that. No judgments here, it’s all cool. So slavery was not a choice, it was more like a challenging hobby. Something some folks did to pass the time.
RG: I get it, K-star.
KW: Don’t call me that, old man. I’ll take you down!
RG: Sorry. No disrespect meant. How about ‘Mr. West’–– is that good?
KW: Sure. Mr. West works.
RG: I think the media has it out for both of us, Mr. West because we support our great president.
KW: The media is all haters.
RG: Except Fox, they’re fair. Hard-hitting journalists like Hannity can be trusted to tell the truth.
KW: A hundred percent. And Fox and Friends are solid. Great reporters.
RG: And the fake media better not dare come after Ivanka.
KW: No way. Bad idea if they do.
RG: Ivanka’s totally off-limits. The woman’s a sexy saint.
KW: So fine.
RG: But Jared? Go on, have at him. Who cares? The guy’s scum. Worst piece of crap ever. Flush him.
KW: Totally.
RG: Lock him up! Lock him up!
KW: Put him in the cell next to Hillary.
RG: What about her emails? Where’s Comey on that?
KW: Yeah. He’s a sleazeball and a liar.
RG: Just don’t touch Ivanka.
KW: No one touches Ivanka. Ever.
RG: The president is innocent of all wrongdoing.
KW: There’s no collusion.
RG: Absolutely. Russia? What’s Russia?
KW: Never heard of it.
RG: Exactly. It’s all a big witch hunt.
KW: And besides, communism is a choice.
RG: Right. If there was even such a place as Russia.
KW: But there isn’t. And no pee tape, either!
RG: No pee tape. None. Fake news. And remember, everything I say is probably wrong. I’m new to the Trump legal team so if I say something stupid and the president denies it later, take his word, not mine.
KW: You’re an idiot, and he knows that.
RG: That right, Kanye, I mean, Mr. West. Donald Trump knows everything, he’s the one making America great again.
KW: Hey, he had the biggest inauguration ever.
RG: And he’s best buds with Putin.
KW: Trump is just like Lincoln but without the beard…
RG: Beards itch.
KW: Kim won’t let me grow one. She says they hurt her skin. Too scratchy.
RG: Have you tried paying her money to keep her quiet?
KW: What’d you say?
RG: Nothing, Mr. West. And here’s another thing the fake media got wrong…
The men continued jabbering for the next six hours. The editor locked the door and went home.
Colorful character to hold court on Washington in 2019.
It seems conservatives and liberals alike were outraged over Michelle Wolf’s scathing 19-minute comedy set Saturday evening at the White House Correspondents Dinner.
“She said dirty words,” gasped an evangelical congressman. “I had the vapors!”
To ensure this doesn’t happen again, PBS megastar Big Bird will host next year’s event.
“This event is about compassion, unity, and fostering mutual respect,” White House Correspondents Dinner president Margaret Talev told The Lint Screen. “Michelle was divisive and critical of others. She used potty language, too. That is just not how things are done in Washington these days. We believe Big Bird will bring us together and perhaps take us on an exciting journey to Conjunction Junction. Our organization has serious journalists, and I’m sure they would enjoy that immensely.”
“Michelle made fun of Sarah Huckabee Sanders,” said an incensed New York Times reporter. “That is totally out-of-bounds–– like using the wrong fork at dinner. Sarah has a tough job to do and she does it well. All of us in the press corps appreciate her candor and forthrightness in telling it like it is.”
“I don’t know who that awful woman was,” a conservative writer said. “She did not show our president the respect he has earned in his efforts to make America great again. He doesn’t candy coat the truth. But her? She wasn’t white and she was a woman, and she said nothing but lies and treasonous insults. I suspect she was probably an illegal alien, maybe even an Islamic terrorist. Certainly not the kind of person who should have a microphone.”
First Lady Melania Trump is in guarded condition following her recent bout of excessive smiling while attending the funeral of Barbara Bush.
“The First Lady is recovering nicely,” Dr. Phillip Excelsey of Walter Reed National Military Medical Center told The Lint Screen. “We had feared her face might crack and suffer permanent damage, but, we believe her facial tissue is much more pliable than we originally thought. We believe she has the power to smile again.”
Mrs. Trump when in the company of her husband Donald J. Trump typically wears a stern face–– one that appears depressed, or a face projecting a desperate statement like “please-kill-me-now-or-help-me-escape-this-living-hell-with-this-asinine-man-child.”
“She projects her serious face that reflects her eternal loving admiration and respect for how presidential her husband acts,” White House media relations director Tippy McIntrosh told reporters. “Let’s face it, she is one lucky woman being married to undoubtedly the greatest world leader of all time. A man so many women want!”
The president’s spin master was peppered with questions from the press as to why the First Lady seemed so animated and happy at a funeral, away from her husband.
“She was probably thinking of President Trump and his incredible achievements in making America great again and his determination to snuff-out vermin like you fake newshounds. Now get on outta here! Go on, git!”
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, it was reported a forum of Republican congressmen is drafting legislation to deport Melania Trump for brandishing her treasonous teeth.
Sean Hannity declares himself a victim in an evil plot against truth.
Sean Hannity fidgets in his seat as his hands work a fidget spinner so hard it creates hurricane force winds. His eyes dart about wildly as he leans forward and confides to The Lint Screen, “I am the real victim here, I tells ya. A truly innocent victim caught up in the liberal media’s vicious witch hunt against Trump.”
A federal judge in New York City revealed yesterday that Sean Hannity was the mysterious third client of Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s personal attorney. Last week, the FBI seized Cohen’s records as part of an ongoing investigation.
In addition to Trump and Hannity, Cohen represents GOP fundraiser Elliott Broidy. “I help my clients erase their affairs and scandals,” Cohen told reporters. “You know, the stuff they teach in law schools–– like how to make mistresses keep their big yaps shut!”
Cohen admitted paying porn actress Stormy Daniels $130,000 for her alleged affair with Trump. “I paid her myself because I’m a huge fan,” he said. Cohen helped his client Broidy by arranging payment of $1.6 million to the Playboy model he was having an affair with.
“When my clients have accidents like getting caught, I’m there with a checkbook to help,” the necktie-wearing hired lip-flapper said. But Hannity denies being Cohen’s client.
“Michael never helped quiet some floozy named Crystal I was doing every Monday and Thursday afternoon at three in The Four Seasons Hotel,” Hannity said. “I occasionally asked Michael his advice on real estate matters like what building would be a good place to stash a dead hooker. But Michael never charged me for his expert legal advice, so obviously, I was never legally his client. Who ever heard of a lawyer not charging his client? Lawyers do ordinary lawyer things like pay-off porn stars out of their own pocket.”
Hannity suspects Special Counsel Robert Mueller is targeting him.
“Last week, I exposed the Mueller crime family along with the Clintonistas and the Comey cabal,” he said. “They are all working overtime to smear the name of Donald J. Trump, a man with a sterling reputation built on his high moral character, Christian behavior, and absolute adherence to the truth. All these evil people are determined to derail the president from his sacred mission of making America great again, and they’ll stop at nothing to do just that–– even if it means slandering me in the process.”
The popular TV newsman pounds his desk and raises his silky voice. “This is an evil plot to divert attention from the big stories like pizzagate, Benghazi, Obama’s missing birth certificate and membership in ISIS, Mueller slashing a homeless man’s throat on a dare, and Comey’s plan to get a dirty bomb and blow up America if we don’t buy his stupid new book. The lamestream, blamestream media can try all they want, but they won’t silence me from telling the truth. It’s what I do!”
Hannity spun his fidget spinner, turned it horizontal and was propelled out of his office revealing a wet stain on his pressed slacks.
