The resounding victor shows a rare moment of jubilation.
Russia President Vladimir Putin was overjoyed by the recent election results that gave him 77% of the popular vote for a decisive victory to serve his fourth term.
“Strong, invincible leader was absolutely tickled pink,” Nikita Ananyev, head of The Russian Fair And Unbiased Election Committee, told The Lint Screen. “The President confided that he was very uncertain of the election’s outcome and so he is delighted by the results. He said, ‘They like me, they really like me!’”
The seven competitors who were running against President Putin have been missing since last Friday. “We have no leads,” said Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator. “I think all seven may have taken a rocket into outer space. We can find no trace of their whereabouts.”
President Putin issued a press release proclaiming his “enthusiastic gratitude” to the 77% of the population who support him and vowed his determination to “find and seek the support of the 23% who did not vote for me. I will do whatever it takes to persuade these cowardly traitors who vote anonymously in the shadows that I am their leader.”
Mikhail Dragomirov, the president’s campaign manager announced Putin is launching a new initiative under the theme Make Russia Great Again. “Soon we will have hats and shirts with the new slogan emblazoned on them,” Dragomirov said. “And those who do not wear the MRGA items will be dealt with persuasively.”
Russia President Vladimir Putin projects a tough guy image, but apparently, it’s an act.
“The poor guy is worried sick,” Dmitry Yermolay, the editor of The Free Russia Democratic Absolute Truth Teller told The Lint Screen. “I don’t think he’s slept a wink for months. He loves his job and is terrified of losing it.”
Putin, the 65-year-old incumbent, is running for a fourth term as President of Russia against a field of seven contenders. “Putin is quite nervous about his opponents,” Yermolay confided. “He told me it is a very strong group he must beat and that his chances of winning are only one in eight. He does not like those odds.”
But perhaps Putin has a rabbit’s foot, and shamrock in his pocket–– all seven presidential candidates running against him have disappeared. Russian police are searching desperately for them, but have no leads.
“It’s like they have vanished,” Ilya Agafangel, Chief Moscow Investigator confessed. “It is a true mystery. We hope they are safe.”
“The President does not take his opposition lightly,” Yermolay said. “He always says politics is very unpredictable–– look at what Mr. Trump did in America. You can never count anyone out! Putin is also worried that Trump may have interfered with our election. If he loses, he will launch an investigation.”
Putin should learn the election outcome soon, and perhaps he will have reason to celebrate and get a good night’s sleep.
“A fresh new approach” to White House management is promised
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced late Friday that General John F. Kelly is stepping down as White House Chief of Staff and will be replaced by Stephanie Clifford, a woman with a mysterious background.
“The President really likes to shake things up,” Sanders told The Lint Screen. “Like a vampire, he craves fresh blood. While he thought General Kelly did an outstanding job, he felt that it was time for a change. He is confident Ms. Clifford will bring a fresh new approach to the role. President Trump also said that she smells much better than ol’ General mothballs, Brut, and Juicy Fruit. And she absolutely crushes the old soldier boy in the swimsuit competition.”
Little is known about the background of Clifford. A White House source with almost middling security clearance disclosed he had heard she once worked in the film industry. Our investigative reporter conducted exhaustive research into this rumor by sampling craft services tables across Los Angeles asking questions while stuffing his pie hole. He said he found no evidence of JK’s claim.
Perhaps our lazy pencil pusher should have pursued questioning grips or gaffers on deep background. “Woulda coulda shoulda,” our lackluster pudgy reporter said.
Meanwhile, back in Washington…
“The President is very pleased to have Ms. Clifford on his team,” press secretary Sanders said. “He thinks she will help him battle fake news reports like his alleged affair with Stormy Daniels. It’s disgusting what the media is allowed to get away with.”
Sanders took a deep breath, closed her eyes and lifted her iPhone to her ear and listened to a meditation app for ten minutes, then, continued.
“President Trump has taken a spark to Ms. Clifford and says that their chemistry is ‘electric and sexifyingly satisfying’.” The somber press secretary chuckled and continued. “And, he said that Stephanie is a lot easier on the eye than old sad sacks Kelly! Obviously, our glorious leader is an astute observer and every American should bow in his honor. Praise be Donald!”
Sanders dropped to her knees and thrust her arms forward.
Clifford begins her new position on Monday, providing the First Lady is out of town.
N.R.A. top gun feels secure in stating his opinions.
Wayne LaPierre, the executive vice president of the N.R.A., recently stormed into the offices of The Lint Screen and unloaded on the recent brouhaha over gun control. Here are the highlights of what he told our editorial staff as he held us at gunpoint.
“God wanted us all to have guns. Although it’s not mentioned in the Bible, I think both Adam and Eve were packing heat. God wouldn’t send His own creations into Eden without protection! And imagine how good life would be today if Eve had just shot the apple off Adam’s head instead of eating it!”
“The real danger to America is the loony leftists who want gun control and background checks. Just because there are some sissy gun cowards out there, they want to destroy our rights, fun, and freedom. These people should be shot.”
“Sure, the N.R.A. backs pro-gun agenda politicians. What–– you think these spineless puppets could get elected with just energy, healthcare, defense contractor, chamber of commerce, and telecom lobby funds? Get serious!”
“Guns aren’t the problem in America. Americans who want to control guns are the problem. They’re unpatriotic, and probably here illegally.”
“If we want to get serious about stopping school shootings, we’ve got to arm teachers, principals, lunch ladies, hall monitors, janitors, crossing guards, nurses, PTA members, and certain students–– the kids that socialists would label as bullies. We need to take this army of school advocates and train them how to handle weapons. In this country, we waste too much money on books. We should be spending on life insurance in the form of firearms. The only defense from a bad guy with a gun is a team of good guys with higher capacity guns and more munitions. Kids are never going to learn if they don’t feel safe. The N.R.A. thinks more guns will make them feel safe and secure so they can learn. It’s that simple!”
“These high school students in Parkland, Florida talk real brave to politicians and the television cameras, but where was their bravery when their unarmed classmates were being attacked? Their courage was MIA then. Frankly, I think a lot of these kids are actors. They’re Commies working for the Hollywood leftist elites who are always bellyaching about gun control and want us to drink mineral water instead of tap.”
“Guns are not the problem, mental illness is the problem. And mentally ill people have every right to own whatever weaponry they like. The Second Amendment says so.”
“It’s like The Beatles said, ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’– and if it had been up to me, I’d have shot Rocky Raccoon.”
“Guns are critical for hunting. Pistols, rifles, shotguns, semi-automatics–– they’re the only things that keep us safe from the animals. Look, if we’re not heavily armed and protecting ourselves, we could find deer, pheasants, and chipmunks crapping in our living rooms and messing with our TV remotes.”
“If we’re not careful, liberal elites will take over. They’ll start by taking away our guns, then our Bibles. Before you know it, they’ll be forcing us to have orgies with farm animals, eat organic food, and meditate. We must protect ourselves from these dangers.”
“Our forefathers knew that without a heavily armed militia, the redcoats or the federal government would come and take away their rights. So, they gave us the right to bear arms. Back then it was muskets, you’d better believe they’d rather have AR-15s and full metal jackets!”
“The only way they’ll take my gun is to pry it from my cold, dead finger. Please don’t take that literally, it’s an expression.”
“I’m sick of people telling me the number of mass shootings is so much lower in other countries. So what? Are you willing to give up freedom to feel safer? What kind of an asinine idea is that?”
Upon finishing his tirade, LaPierre raised his AR-15 and unloaded a barrage of bullets into the ceiling of The Lint Screen offices. Soon, we discovered our ceiling leaks blood.
Hannity opens a bottle and opens up on the state of American politics
Fox News megastar Sean Hannity opens a fresh bottle of Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 23-Year-Old Bourbon and takes a thirsty gulp. “The fake news media is out of frickin’ control,” he says, “and I’m going to call them out on it.”
Hannity dropped by The Lint Screen world headquarters to vent his spleen and abuse his liver. He was in rare form. Here are some highlights from his rambling pontifications.
“The Nunes memo blew the cover off the evil liberal conspiracy against President Trump. That memo revealed a secret Satanic plot against our democracy and freedom. It’s not hyperbole when I say that what the Killery crew did was a trillion times worse than Watergate! Maybe more than a trillion times worse. A gazillion times!”
“Devin Nunes is a true patriot. He’s going to be revealing even more truth by exposing other scandals. A hundred years from now, there will be statues of Nunes in every town square. He’s like Paul Revere warning us against the dangers coming our way.”
“We need to stop Mueller and his witch hunt. It’s a disgrace what the deep state is doing to our democracy. Obama’s foot soldiers are putting their noses where they don’t belong. Russian collusion?! Give me a break. Это самая смешная вещь, которую я когда-либо слышал! The FBI should spend their time investigating real crimes like the Clinton child porn ring operated from a New York pizzeria. That place doesn’t even have a good slice! Or, the Killery plot to kill nuns and burn down Southern Baptist churches while spitting on Bibles. Or, Obama and Michelle going into hospitals and killing old people in their sleep by snuffing them with pillows–– then, eating their Jello-O. Where’s the FBI on that stuff?!”
“Why doesn’t someone investigate Nancy Pelosi and her army of flying monkeys that steal binkies from baby mouths and sells them on the black market in Haiti? It’s outrageous what she’s doing, and she’s getting away with it!”
“We need to take science books out of schools and replace them with Bibles. Kids will learn a heck of a lot more from the good book than any of that science crap! Climate change? Gimme a break–– it’s been a cold winter!”
“The president and first lady have a great relationship. She adores him, and he’s crazy for her. They’re like teens in love. For her birthday last year, he gave her an autographed copy of THE ART OF THE DEAL. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.”
“Trump is without a doubt our greatest president ever. He’s working hard to make America great again, boosting our economy by increasing employment in coal mines. The future is coal! Clean coal that’s April fresh. And, we’re finally opening up national parks so we can drill and mine all the riches God and mother nature have provided for us.”
“Immigrants are taking all the good migrant worker jobs. Build that wall!!!”
“Rich people hate the recent GOP tax plan. Like Trump says, it’s not very popular with his wealthy friends at Mar A Lago because it’s going to cost them big. But the president thinks it’s the right thing to do in order to give Joe and Jane six pack some extra money for Twinkies to put in their lunch pails.”
“Benghazi! Missing e-mails! Travelgate! Monica! Uranium! Obama’s birth certificate! What about all those?! Lock them up!!!”
“Trump’s hair is absolutely real. I’ve run my fingers through it. Our great leader has a thick mane of luxurious, manageable with full body and no split ends.”
“I’m a journalist, and I believe in journalistic integrity and the sanctity of the fourth estate. No one respects and supports the free press more than I do. But, I think Trump should imprison all the fake news people out there not supporting and rallying the public for the president’s initiatives in making America great again. CNN, The New York Times, Washington Post, all the networks, except for Fox News, they all need to be arrested and beaten to within an inch of their lives for the lies they’re telling. If we have to build another Gitmo, let’s do it. Let’s waterboard them! I’m a journalist, let the truth prevail!”
Hannity finished his bottle and threw it against the wall. “I love Trump,” he said as he collapsed to the floor and painted himself in his own sick. “Ivanka…”
Devin Nunes plots more conspiracies to blather about
Congressman Devin Nunes is a huge drama queen, and through exceptional investigative journalism (and a crisp Lincoln and shiny buttons) The Lint Screen has discovered some of the memo subjects the hysterical looney may write and release. They are shocking!
Benghazi And Hillary, Kenya and No Obama Birth Certificate–– The Plot To Destroy Our Democracy From The Inside
A Complete List of All The Commies in Hollywood (NOTE: IF YOU PRINT THIS, YOU’LL NEED SOME EXTRA REAMS OF PAPER)
How The Democrats Are Working With Satan To Promote Science In Schools And Teaching Our Children To Take Knees During The National Anthem
Mueller Is On A Witch Hunt And Is Talking Behind The President’s Back So He Must Be Charged With Treason
Pets–– They Can’t Be Trusted. Beware!
What About Monica? And Travelgate? And Vince Foster? And Benghazi? And Hillary’s Missing E-Mails? And Joe Scarborough Murdering His Intern? What About Them, Huh? Maybe Someone Should Look Into That Stuff!!!!
The Fake Media Has A Vendetta Against Glorious Leader, Why Americans Should Only Trust Fox News
FBI Evil Forces Are Against Making America Great Again Even If They Are Registered Republicans! They Are The Bad Kind!
Why Our Future Survival And Robust Economy Depends On Fossil Fuels
Proof There Was Absolutely No Collusion With Russia, And That Donald J. Trump Won Fair And Square, And Why Is It Putin Seems To Get Better Looking Every Day? Has He Found The Fountain of Youth, Or What? The Guy Is Dreamy!
Nunes is determined to continue his nonpartisan crusade for truth, or so he says.
