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Nunes Claims Groundhog Part of Deep State Conspiracy

Is Punxsutawney Phil “in the tank” against Trump?

This morning, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, forecasting six more weeks of winter, and Rep. Devin Nunes, chairman of the United States House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, is livid.

“That damn big fat rat is an FBI mole,” Nunes told The Lint Screen. “The groundhog is in the tank against glorious leader Trump, and I aim to set the record as straight as an Evangelical on Saturday night.”

Nunes, who has alleged an anti-Trump bias by the FBI over the Russia investigation, thinks what happened this morning in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is further proof of a conspiracy.

“By sentencing America to six more weeks of winter, the deep state wants to put us in a deep freeze. The Liberati can’t stand the fact Trump beat Killery in a landslide election, getting more votes than any President in history. Not only that, President Trump’s inaugural crowd was the largest in the history of the world. And his state of the union address the other night broke records–– more people watched it than ten Super Bowls put together! El Capitan has an incredible 99% approval rating with the America people–– his people, and that makes the Obama-Killery crew furious. So now they’re doing everything in their power to shut him down, even if it means co-opting an innocent groundhog!”

Nunes thinks the plot with the groundhog seeing his shadow was a devious political act. “The deep state knows lousy weather gets Americans angry, and I suppose they hope the country will blame our courageous leader, who is determined to make America great again. It won’t work. Speaking as an unbiased representative, I won’t allow it to happen.”

The California congressman took a deep breath. “What’s going on now with Mueller and his goon squad is an affront to our freedom. They’re all Russian agents. Now, we must fight not only evil humans, but dastardly animals as well. But, there are still concerned, dedicated patriots like myself who will do whatever it takes to protect our fantastic president who speaks only truth to power. We will prevail!”

Nunes then hugged a picture of the president close to his heart and cooed like a baby.

February 2, 2018
Putin Praises Trump’s Performance

Russian leader celebrates Donald Trump

While America watched President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, Russian President Vladimir Putin had already given his view of the United States of America.

“Your country is so much better under Trump,” Putin told The Lint Screen. “He has proven himself to be a great leader. Very strong. He is truly making America great again,” the blue-eyed kingpin cooed.

“Trump was very wise to lift sanctions against Russia,” Putin continued. “A very smart move. There is no need to punish us for tampering with your election. That never happened. We believe in freedom of choice. Freedom and free speech are sacred to us. Reports of Russia tampering with American election is fake news. Trump should shut down the press, all of the press. There is no need for any news besides Fox News. Fox and Friends is a great news show! Trump should find the people who recommended Russian sanctions and imprison them. Or, better yet, execute them. They are traitors, and traitors must die.”

The Russian top dog is upset about the recent release of a list of 114 Russian politicians and 96 “oligarchs” who have flourished monetarily under Putin’s reign. “People have good fortune, they become rich. So what? Whoever released the list should pay the price. They might not feel so bold when their fingers are clipped one at a time, or, a hammer slams their knees, or, sulfuric acid is used as eye drops.”

Putin says his relationship with Trump is excellent. “We talk all the time. He calls me. I call him. We wait to see who will hang up first,” Putin chuckles. “Neither of us wants to disconnect! President Trump is a wonderful man. America is lucky to have him.”

Putin dispatched two aides to beat this reporter mercilessly and shove him out a window.

January 31, 2018
Mueller’s Questions For Trump Leaked

The fed is about to turn up the heat on the chief.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of The Lint Screen (and a blabbermouth we met at our nightly Secret Society meeting), we have secured a copy of the questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller will be asking President Trump when they face off.

Here they are:
1. Which Marx brother is your favorite–– Harpo, Chico, Groucho, or Karl?
2. Do you like Russian dressing on your salad?
3. Кого вы любите больше, Иванка и Мелания?
4. Two trains leave Moscow headed for Khabarovsk, one is traveling 80 mph, the other 60 mph. Paul Manafort is on the first train, Carter Page on the second. Which man has the bag of money to give to the Russian operatives?
5. Describe your relationship with Russian bots.
6. Mike Pence–– what the hell’s the deal with that guy anyway?
7. Have you read “War and Peace”? Which one did you like better?
8. Did you really think you were going to win the presidency? Really? Come on, really?
9. If you had a hammer, would you hammer in the morning, or, would you pair it with a sickle?
10. Did you collude with Russians to win the election? If not, why?
11. Do you think Hillary did it? Should I lock her up?
12. What is Vladimir Putin’s favorite color?
13. Do you think Peter was good, or, was Peter the great?
14. Have you ever seen those Russian dolls, you know, the ones where each doll fits inside another, and another, and another, and so on? Do you think those dolls are an appropriate gift for an 8-year-old girl, or, do you think she’d prefer a Malibu Barbi?
15. Lenin or McCartney?
16. Do you have a good recipe for Borscht, my comrade?
17. Did you know there’s a proven relief for the problem of frequent Wikileaks at night?
18. Does Stephen Miller creep you out? Come on, seriously, does he?
19. Wouldn’t you like to just go back to reality TV and screw this whole politics thing?
20. Are you dirty? Don’t make me come over there and bitch slap you–– ARE YOU DIRTY?!

Sources report Mueller is confident he will get Trump to crack.

January 29, 2018
Evangelicals Support Trump In Stormy Daniels Affair

The president tests Satan!

Religious leaders usually preach against adultery, but not in the case of Donald J. Trump!

Trump’s lawyer allegedly paid $130,000 to Stormy Daniels, a porn star actress, to keep quiet about her 2011 affair with the current president. Trump has an 81% approval rating among evangelicals, but this news does not seem to matter to his flock.

“President Trump succumbed to Satan’s temptation–– whoop dee doo,” Focus on the Family leader Timothy “Preachy” Woolcott told The Lint Screen. “We should not be so judgmental when it comes to sins of the flesh, especially when we’re talking about getting some sweet smoldering smashing with the hot star of Good Will Humping! Classic flick!” Woolcott closed his eyes, perhaps in prayer.

“If we are going to make America great again,” Woolcott continued, “we have to fight Satan daily to prove ourselves. Some days the dark prince will win, but if we are to prevail, we must engage him in battle.” Woolcott paused reflexively.

“What Trump did was not good, but I’ll bet the sex was good–– amazing even, I’ll bet–– but he deserves our understanding and forgiveness for his weakness of the flesh. Especially when we’re talking about Lucifer taking the form of the curvaceous babe who was incredibly tempting in The Witches of Breastwick, Pussy Sweat, Love Potion 69, and Poking With Pride.”

Woolcott became excited and began hyperventilating. He reached into his pocket and took out a brown paper bag. He huffed into the bag for six minutes, then continued.

“Make no mistake, Beelzebub takes many forms, and sometimes that form can give a blind man a limp. There is no hypocrisy in giving a mulligan to someone for engaging in adultery–– hey, God says a lot of things, you know–– He can’t possibly mean all of them. No, let’s move on. It’s time we forgive our human president and prepare for Armageddon. Sweet, sweet, Armageddon.” Woolcott smiled.

By the way,” Wolcott said, as he leaned into this reporter, “did you see the Stormster in Trailer Trash Nurses 6 . Damnation, that girl can act!”

Let us pray.

January 24, 2018
Bezos Declares, “Let ‘The Plunder Games’ Begin!”

The diabolical one demands cities prove their worthiness.

Jeff Bezos, the mastermind behind retail behemoth Amazon, is delighted with the communities vying to become the second headquarters for his brainchild.

“238 North American communities lusted after us,” a smug Bezos told The Lint Screen. “We’re dangling 50,000 high-paying jobs, so they dropped their pants and detailed the tax breaks, land, perks, and concessions they’d give to get us. I’ve narrowed the list to 20 finalists and now the real fun begins!”

Bezos described the next stage of the selection process as The Plunder Games. “It will be highly competitive, vicious, and hopefully, very bloody. I want to see how badly each city wants my business.”

The company has designed a bracket system pairing off the 20 finalist cities and having them “fight to the death proving their worthiness.”

For example, Atlanta will battle Nashville, New York City faces Boston, Pittsburgh is pitted against Philadelphia, and Chicago fights Toronto.

“I made these match-ups specifically to get as much competitiveness as possible,” Bezos said, as he petted a white cat sitting in his lap. “I expect each city to wage war on its mortal enemy, and I want casualties. Big casualties. I demand the weak fall by the wayside so that only true champions prevail. And only victorious cities will make it to the next round.”

Bezos refused to disclose what the next round of The Plunder Games would entail, but promised it would be “epic.” He also disclosed all city battles would be filmed, edited, and shown later on Amazon Prime as a new series.

“The Plunder Games will be huge! It’ll get great viewership. Death and destruction attract eyeballs,” Bezos said, with a maniacal laugh. “Viewers won’t know the winners until they watch all ten episodes. I’m as curious as anyone to see who will win! Let The Plunder Games begin!”

January 18, 2018
Trump to Publish “The Art of The Marriage”

New book by president details secrets to a happy marriage

Michael Wolff’s breathless tell-all book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House has rocketed to the top of the bestseller list, but President Donald J. Trump is not retreating from the controversies detailed in it. Instead, he’s sharing his wisdom.

Random House announced it will soon be publishing a book penned by the president and Roger A. Reallygoodwriter titled The Art of The Marriage.

“The president believes there’s too much fake news out there,” an unnamed White House source told The Lint Screen. “He was outraged Wolff’s book became so popular, and he thinks the author should be executed on live television–– ‘It will get great ratings,’ he said. He demanded Attorney General Sessions have Wolff killed, but Sessions told him he couldn’t legally do that. Trump was livid, stormed into his bedroom, and slammed the door shut.”

The insider said three days later, the president announced he had written a book for men on how to have a happy marriage.

“No one knows women better than I do,” Trump told his staff, “and for the good of America, I’m going to share my marriage secrets. And trust me, they’re tremendous. Incredible advice. The book will be so popular. Very popular. Amazingly popular. A bestseller–– much, much bigger and better than Wolff’s book. And I think Elania will be proud of me. It’s important that a wife is proud of her husband. And Elania is always very proud of me because I’m a very stable genius.”

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded the president that his wife’s name was “Melania” not “Elania.” He snapped, “I knew that.”

Although no one has seen the manuscript, some of the chapter titles have been leaked to TLS:
– SHE IS ONE LUCKY LADY, LET ME TELL YOU
– HOLDING HANDS IS OVERRATED
– SEPARATE BEDROOMS GIVE YOU BOTH EXTRA SPACE
– YOUR SEX IS GOING TO BE GREAT––TREMENDOUS SEX, BELIEVE ME
– HOW TO TELL HER SHE’S WRONG
– EXPLAINING THAT YOUR AFFAIRS ARE JUST PRACTICE
– FLOWERS AND LACY THINGS CURE EVERYTHING
– TELLING HER TO STAND BY YOUR MAN–– ALWAYS!
– HOW TO BE THE WORLD’S MOST HUMBLE PERSON
– POINTING OUT HER MISTAKES
– TRUST IS EVERYTHING
– HOW TO TELL IF SHE’S CHEATING ON YOU

There has been no official word on the publication date.

January 11, 2018