The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

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  • Protests Erupt Over Bannon’s TLS Interview

    Protests Erupt Over Bannon’s TLS Interview

    Disgraced bloated racist comes begging at The Lint Screen.

    The global offices of The Lint Screen were swarmed today by tens of thousands of angry protestors upset because the internationally renowned publication had interviewed unemployed Steve Bannon.

    The tarnished former presidential advisor was foolishly hoping to get hired at The Lint Screen, a popular website known worldwide as “Where fake news gets real.”

    “The editor felt sorry for Bannon,” an unnamed TLS staffer told this intrepid TLS reporter. “First, poor Steve got booted from the White House. Then, he got the bum’s rush out of Trump’s army of suck-ups. And now, Breitbart has thrown him to the curb like a spent Mickey’s Malt Liquor bottle. The guy’s as popular as herpes at the prom.”

    “Bannon needs to stay the hell away,” said Peter Cessputin, a longtime TLS reader, and avid fan. “I like my Lint untainted, and Bannon, well, he’s nothing but a huge taint.”

    “Breitbart is a joke,” said Paris Frunkey wearing an “I LOVE LINT” tee shirt. “Bannon’s slipshod journalism may fly over there, but The Lint Screen has a much higher standard.”

    The Lint Screen security staff tried for hours to disperse the agitated crowd, then called The National Guard. Its soldiers used tear gas, rubber bullets, and nightsticks upside protestor noggins to scatter the mob and restore order.

    And that, dear reader, is how you’re able to read this timely dispatch.

    TLS forever! Mr. Bannon, we’ve heard McDonald’s is hiring–– make some deliveries to The White House and that may get you back in the president’s good graces.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • A Peek Inside The Mind Of “A Very Stable Genius”

    A Peek Inside The Mind Of “A Very Stable Genius”

    Mental giant on the world stage is also a creative genius.

    President Donald J. Trump is proud of his new nickname for Steve Bannon–– “Sloppy Steve”–– but a dumpster dive at The White House by The Lint Screen reveals some other names that were in the running.

    What follows is a list of rejected Bannon nicknames created by the man known worldwide for his sanity and his smarts! The list was on six crumpled sheets of presidential letterhead found in a trash bag from the West Wing (pages had ketchup stains attesting their authenticity).

    — Sloppy Bannon
    — Trash Bannon
    — Stevie Junk
    — Not Too Tidy Steven
    — Stevie Pig Pen, Like In Charlie Brown
    — Charlie Brown
    — Snoopy
    — Cute dog in a comic strip
    — Steve Pigsty
    — Little Steven
    — The Boss, wait, I’m the Boss!
    — Crooked Steve (note: CHECK AND SEE IF I’VE USED ‘CROOKED’ FOR ANYONE)
    — Stubble Steve
    — Won’t Shave Bannon
    — Never Knew A Close Shave Steve
    — No Razors Steve
    — Whiskers McGee
    — Dresses in Layers Bannon
    — Two Shirts Steve
    — Breit-fart Bannon
    — Loose Lips
    — Mr. Big Blabbermouth
    — Mr. Can’t Keep A Secret
    — That Sloppy Guy in THE ODD COUPLE–– what’s his name, not the neat one, the really sloppy one–– it’ll come to me
    — Felix The Cat–– NO, THE OTHER GUY–– THE SLOPPY ONE!
    — Oscar Meyer
    — The Oscars
    — James Madison
    — Madison, Wisconsin
    — Sloppy joes
    — I’m hungry, think I’ll get some Big Macs and Filet of Fishes
    — Steve who is sloppy
    — Steve sloppy
    — Sloppy Steve–- THAT’S IT! PERFECT!!! I AM A GENIUS!!! TIME FOR A HAPPY MEAL!!!!! BIG MACS, FISHIES, SHAKE, FRIES, KETCHUP!!! ME HUNGRY!!!

  • Dig–– Sessions Raps About Sticky Icky Icky

    Dig–– Sessions Raps About Sticky Icky Icky

    The USA’s #1 fee-chaser talks bud

    Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III sat down with The Lint Screen to discuss his recent decision to allow federal prosecutors to impose a stricter enforcement of marijuana laws in states where cannabis has been legalized.

    “I don’t mean to harsh anyone’s buzz,” said the 71-year-old lawmeister. “I mean, I’m chill, dig? But I think it’s high time––” the diminutive man began giggling. “Dude, I said ‘high’ talking about maryjane-wanna. Cripes, gee, I’m killing myself here!” He began chortling uncontrollably.

    While the pixie collected himself, this reporter did some lawn work, took a warm bath, then watched The Godfather trilogy. Upon returning, Sessions finally regained his elf-like composure.

    “What I meant to say was wacky tobaccy is a gateway drug. And that gateway is the gate to enter hell! And believe you me, down there, ol’ Satan can torch your spliff lickety-split!”

    The country’s top ambulance-chaser ripped open a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and totally annihilated it. He burped a yellow stink fog and continued.

    “Herb be bad, man. Word. I’ve heard tell of dudes so crunked, baked outta their noggins, they woke up with dry blood on their hands and a bunch of dead prosties on the floor. They had no memory of what went down. How gone is that, man? It blows my mind, bro.”

    The torts mouthpiece ripped open a big bag of Dinamita Fiery Habanero Doritos and began cramming fistfuls of them into his gaping yob.

    “Doo-doo gonna get real, I’m telling you. Doo-doo gonna get real.”

  • CDC Unveils New Language For Budget Submissions

    CDC Unveils New Language For Budget Submissions

    The CDC feels confident in funding efforts

    The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta wants their federal budgetary overlords to know they’re serious about getting funding.

    CDC officials were recently told to avoid inflammatory language like “science-based,” “fetus,” “evidence-based,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “vulnerable,” and “entitlement” when submitting 2019 budget initiatives.

    “We have some critically important research studies that need funding,” Dr. Samual R. Lorthon, a CDC department head told The Lint Screen. “If it’s simply a matter of changing the language to secure G.O.P. budget approval, then, we’re ready to play ball.”

    Dr. Lorthon detailed some of the proposed CDC studies for 2019:

    “A Study Linking Crooked Hillary With Causing Deadly Diseases”

    “Dealing With Pandemics–– God’s Vengeance to Smite Sinners!”

    “The Healthy Americans First Study! Let’s Get Physical”

    “Fixing Gastroenteritis: Satan’s Tum-Tum Attack”

    “Effects of Nuclear Weapons on Unlucky People After Attacks From Little Rocket Man”

    “The No One Knew Healthcare Could Be So Complicated Study”

    “Stopping That Doggone Salmonella!”

    “Praying Away E-coli”

    “How to Make America Great Again With Modern Medicines”

    “God Helps Them That Helps Themselves–– Illness is Your Fault, Deal With It And Toughen Up!”

    “Research Into No-Collusion Colon Ailments”

    “Don’t Like The Private Parts The Good Lord Gave You? Who Do You Think You Are?! Get Happy With The Junk You Got.”

    “Exorcising Streptococcus From Thy Body”

    Dr. Lorthon said he felt confident the CDC would secure its funding. “If we don’t, there will certainly be some collateral damage. But, if that’s what it takes to weed out our country’s weaker links, so be it! The government can’t be a nanny state.”

  • Pledge of Allegiance to Trump Proposed

    Pledge of Allegiance to Trump Proposed

    Soon we will praise his glory daily!

    Following yesterday’s passage of the Republican tax bill, GOP leaders gathered for an impromptu session and praised president Donald J. Trump, who, in his customary shy, humble manner, seemed surprised by their sincere gratitude. The meeting inspired a giddy Paul Ryan to “spitball a great idea.”

    Today, Ryan and his merry band of lawmakers will propose new legislation requiring all Americans to recite a Pledge of Allegiance to Donald J. Trump.

    “Heck, yeah, what a terrif-a-rooni idea!” agreed vice president Mike Pence.

    Mitch McConnell said this new pledge would replace the current Pledge of Allegiance to The Flag. “That thing’s got whiskers,” he told The Lint Screen. “And because our president is so exceptional, and is doing such a tremendous job, it will be mandatory for all citizens to recite The Pledge to him daily, or, face imprisonment or deportation.”

    Here is the proposed pledge:

    “I pledge allegiance to Donald J. Trump, and to the charisma, big brains, and exquisite leadership for which he stands. He has always put America first, keeping Mexican rapists, Muslim terrorists, and unwanted foreign scum out! Build that wall, build that wall! He won the presidency in a landslide and his inauguration crowd was the largest ever recorded. His incredible accomplishments as a businessman and huge ratings as reality TV star are legendary. He has given Americans the largest tax cut in history. And, he has accomplished more than any president. Suck it Lincoln and Washington! Truly, Donald J. Trump is the greatest president our nation has ever had. He commands one nation under God, indivisible, and he will dispense liberty and justice to those who earn it. No haters, losers or fatties! Thank you, President Trump, for making America great again! Lock her up! Forever and ever, amen.”

    The new “Pledge” law is expected to pass. Then, the TRUMP name will be added to the United States of America flag.

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Commoners Rejoice Over GOP Tax Plan

    Regular Joes are loving their newfound wealth

    The Republican Party has come to the rescue of everyday working men and women with its generous tax plan.

    “President Trump described this tax plan as a big, beautiful Christmas present,” an elated Eddie Russler told The Lint Screen, “but I think it’s even better than that. It’s like Christmas, your birthday, and winning the lottery all rolled into one!”

    To celebrate, Russler has purchased a 2018 BMW 5 Series for $67,345. “I paid sticker price,” the 29-year-old insurance claims adjuster said. “Why haggle when I’m about to get my big payday? Hey, we’ve all got to do our parts to get our economy booming!”

    Russler said he is also considering leaving his one-bedroom apartment and buying a mansion. “Nothing too outrageous, you know, something in the 12-15,000-sq. ft. range. With my tax cut, I can swing that, no prob.”

    The single man who lives in Naperville, Illinois, earns $51,986 annually and is paying off his student loans of $145,000. “I went to a really good school and got my humanities degree, so it was a great investment.”

    “I love the fact that the GOP is looking out for regular folks like me,” he said with a broad smile. “They understand how hard it is to get by, and they’re fixing it by giving us a huge tax cut. And this plan will also turbo boost the economy by giving businesses enormous tax cuts so they can give their people big raises, expand their operations and build more buildings, and hire lots more people. I think pretty soon we’ll all be living on easy street! Take that little rocket man!”

    Russler giggled with joy. “And best of all, Donald Trump said the tax plan would actually hurt him and all his rich friends. They were all against it. But doggone it, Trump went ahead and did it because he said it was the right thing to do. It warms my heart to know the rich are sacrificing to benefit little guys like me. That’s what I call true American spirit during Christmas! That’s right, I said it–– we won the war on Christmas! God bless us all, everyone!”

The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

"Where fake news gets real."

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