Now that Sarah Palin has officially announced she’s on Team Trump, The Lint Screen has learned that all presidential candidates are making serious pushes to secure an endorsement from Joe The Plumber.
“Joe’s support is crucial for the next person to occupy the White House,” said “Bugsy” Woolcott, a top political consultant as he lit a Cuban cigar with a burning $100 bill. “This is not a Republican or Democrat issue, it doesn’t matter who wins, that person is going to need a good plumber. The White House is older than dirt and clogs are common. The next president is going to need a man who knows how to snake a drain more than a strong economic policy adviser or foreign policy maker. As the old adage goes, ‘you can’t fake plumbing’.”
Joe the Plumber has been coy about showing support for anyone just yet, but candidates from both parties are scheduling sit-downs with the king maker.
One thing is certain: whoever sits on the throne next is going to need Joe the Plumber in his/her corner, or suffer the consequences.
Sean Penn has a nose for the elusive interview.
Following his successful interview with Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán for Rolling Stone, Madonna’s ex-squeeze has received an assignment for an exclusive interview with Jimmy Hoffa.
Hoffa, the ex-President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters (IBT) union disappeared mysteriously in late July of 1975. He has been underground since.
The Lint Screen talked with Jann Wenner, co-founder and publisher of Rolling Stone magazine. Wenner believes Mr. Penn is just the man for the job. “Sean’s got a nose for the news. It’s a big nose, looks like it’s been busted a couple of times. If anyone can find where Hoffa’s hiding, Sean Penn is the man! And I have every confidence he’ll get all the answers.”
Forget Denmark, Steve Carell thinks something stinks on Wall Street.
The Big Short is being billed as a comedy, which is funny. Hilarious, really.
Yes, it has some funny lines and devices, but it’s a tragic film and an essential one every American should see.
Director Adam McKay doesn’t need green screens and CGI magic to depict catastrophe and humanity put on the brink, he just needs a cast of banksters and greedy Wall Street goons in suits with computers, placing bets and rigging financial markets with bogus financial instruments. The film’s shot with a lively pace and curious camera showing how the sleight of hand of pop culture infatuation lulls us into complacency as visions of The American Dream are manufactured out of whisper-thin air.
Sure, the financial rigamarole hocus pocus is complex stuff, but the script by Charles Randolph and Adam McKay breaks it down into palatable chunks you’ll comprehend. And when you put all the pieces together, you see the inevitable train wreck coming. When it finally occurs, you’ll wonder how and why it was allowed to happen.
And why in the hell just one person went to jail.
The fix was in. The fix is still in. Too big to fail is now bigger and starting to play the same games. This movie peeks behind the curtain and shows how the magic trick was done to decimate so many financially.
This is entertainment of the highest order–– intriguing, entertaining, provocative and compelling, with great performances by Steve Carell, Christian Bale, Melissa Leo, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt and many more.
This may be the best film of the year, and certainly it’s the most important. See it and weep.
The year 2015 has lived 364 carefree days, but today he appears to have a nervous eye on his well being and future.
The old year scrambled as he applied for Obamacare (silver level) and a $20,000 life insurance policy. A spokesman for 2015 told The Lint Screen “This guy’s a bit of a procrastinator. He meant to apply for insurance back in February, but it just kind of slipped his mind. Now he’s taking swift action. He’s also working on doing some of the items on his bucket list. It’s a pretty long list–– number one is to get a calendar. He’s determined to get it all in. I’m sure everything will work out fine for 2015.”
After his embarrassing debacle of announcing the wrong winner at The Miss Universe Pageant on Sunday, Steve Harvey needed some P.R. redemption. So, his handlers gave him a lay up by arranging for the shamed celeb to play Santa at the St. Pious Orphanage in Brooklyn, and Harvey blew that cushy gig!
“He was giving out presents to all the kids, and they were so happy,” Fr. Thomas Allenred, the managing director told The Lint Screen. “Then, Harvey suddenly grabbed all the gifts back and re-distributed them. The children were crestfallen, they were very upset and started crying. Harvey got agitated and shouted, ‘Not again!’ and ripped off his beard and stormed out in a huff. We’ve brought in professional grief counsellors to help our children with this tragic situation.”
Steve Harvey has not been seen since, but St. Pious Orphanage has booked him again next year to be Santa.
Part of our mission at The Lint Screen is to illuminate the mysterious corners of life and make the truth cover its privates. With that in mind, below are some casting specifications intercepted for an upcoming film production.
The Professor:
His name is Charles Humbecker, his close friends call him “Charles” or “Ester.”
He’s the sort of guy you might meet standing in a long line, or at a pot luck your sister-in-law’s throwing after a nude croquet game.
He is an intellectual of sorts. Bookwormy. Nebbish. Comfortably tweedy.
As a youngster, he logged some serious time with his head inverted inside a toilet bowl. He is dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge and higher education. He pursued his dream and became a tenured professor at a prestigious university overcharging its students for fairly worthless degrees that look impressive when expensively framed.
Humbecker has the ability to make every minute in his classroom feel like a half hour. Some of his students are left-handed and harbor wild conspiracy theories about Snickers candy bars (it’s important the actor projects this fact as it is a key plot point in Act Two’s llama-in-the-Target-store scene).
His age is fifty-plus but his eyes should read sweet-16. He can be tall, or short (it’s critical he have some degree of vertical height since we will be building sets and it’s good to have contrast on walls).
He likes antiques, making papier-mâché elephant heads, and hoarding cotton candy. You know the type, right?
The Smart Shopper:
She is every woman, except prettier. And her name is Amy Gattersnort.
She’s thirty-something and conveys bewilderment and cunning when she hears the professor blather on. When she leaves the store environment, she has a relieved and comfortable smile. Life is now easy thanks to her purchases of coffee filters, Twizzlers, tweezers and Bounce sheets. Perhaps now her cheating husband will avert his wandering eyes and stop his daylong drinking binges. The actress should project confidence that her character is optimistic that soon her estranged sister will call and apologize for the ugly “Cheez Nip Incident.”
Our Smart Shopper is a woman who can convey the range of emotion from confusion to total satisfaction to ecstatic befuddlement. Ain’t she something?
The Llama
Since apparently these animals are difficult to work with (with their obnoxious spitting and what-have-you), it’d be nice to find a dog, cat or smallish actor who can be made up and act like a llama would act (if it were able to take direction and not be a total ass).
