The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • New Weapon Unleashed In War on Terror

    Smooky unleashed on ISIS.
    Smookie unleashed on ISIS.

    U.S. intelligence officials announced today they are “fighting terror with sorrow” by deploying Smookie The Sad Kitten on known terrorist websites.

    “We’ve been working on the technology under wraps for years,” John Smith (not his real name, it’s an alias for Chuck Windowbee of Arlington, Virginia) told The Lint Screen. “We decided it was time to fight these bastards where it hurts–– in the cute kitten department!”

    Smith says that by closely monitoring known ISIS websites, the intelligence community discovered that terrorists are responsible for some of the heaviest traffic in searches for “cute kittens” on the internet.

    “But now, when some bad guy wants to unwind with some snaps of cute kittens, he’s going to be served a depressing dish of sadness, compliments of Smookie, the most forlorn bundle of fur anyone’s ever laid their pitiful eyes on. Smookie instantly sucks up all the happiness in the world. Take that you merciless killers!”

    Smith gave a maniacal laugh then draped himself with a black blanket and slunk out the door, probably to go his home at 1377 Chestnut Terrace Drive in Arlington.

  • Woman Goes Totally Berserk After Candy Crush Dis

    Her alleged "friends" disappointed Sandy Minkertom greatly
    Her alleged “friends” disappointed Sandy Minkertom greatly

    Sandy Minkertom is mad, and you don’t want that!

    The 36-year old Philadelphia insurance broker recently took drastic violent action by de-friending 812 people on Facebook after they did not accept her invitation to play the popular game Candy Crush.

    “I couldn’t believe it,” said the upset Candy Crusher. “Here I was being a great friend and inviting them to share in my total passion, and my kindness was ignored.”

    Before she took her extreme action, she made the following post on Facebook: “To all my so called ‘friends’–– who the hell do you think you are?! I invited you to play the absolute most fun game ever–– CANDY CRUSH–– and you not only didn’t take me up on my kind offer, you rubbed your legs together and made cricket noises in my face! UNBELIEVABLE!!! Well, I’ve had it up to here with all of you. I hate you! You are ALL now my enemies! I have half a mind to get an AK-47 and shoot you, and I’m sure the courts would support my actions! GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE YOU AWFUL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!”

    Then, she methodically de-friended 812 of her 813 friends “with extreme prejudice”, keeping her “friend” relationship with her Aunt Midge.

    “Midge and I have an awesome CC tournament underway, and it’s a hoot,” Ms. Minkertom told The Lint Screen. “We also play Farmville and harvest bushels of fun together. It’s a blast!”

    Mark Zuckerberg and other Facebook officials could not be reached for comment.

  • Patriot Demands 322.2 Million Be Deported

    Fletcher says the country was given as tip for feeding the natives.
    Fletcher says the country was given as tip for feeding the natives Thanksgiving dinner.

    Into the hub-bub surrounding the immigration brouhaha enters Edward Fletcher, a 67-year-old Boston native and direct descendant of Moses Fletcher, a passenger on the Mayflower bringing pilgrims to America in 1620. Mr. Fletcher has “had his fill of the silly jabberwocky” about immigration reform.

    “As far as I’m concerned,” the tall Yankee told The Lint Screen, “damn near all you people here today are illegals. If you can’t trace your people to the Mayflower, then get out of our country!”

    Fletcher believes lax laws and “stupid liberal symbols like the Statue of Liberty” have ruined America by stocking these shore with “Germans, Irish, Poles, Jews, Arabs, Italians, Catholics Africans, French, Russians, Far Easterners, Scots and a whole gang of foreign na-er-do-wells who have no business or right being here.”

    Fletcher believes all foreigners “need to be rounded up and shipped back from whence they came! The gravy train is over, you freeloaders,” the irate Pilgrim said. “This country is ours, those of us descended from the brave souls who landed here and earned our citizenship fair and square by feeding the Indians Thanksgiving dinner, and getting their country in return as a gift. I say that if your people weren’t on the Mayflower, then get on out of here!”

    The irate man paused. “But before you go, build a tall wall around our borders. It’s the least you could do!”

  • Best Buy Selling Weapons for Black Friday Shoppers

    A sampling of arms for smart shoppers.
    A sampling of arms for smart shoppers.

    Best Buy just announced its big Black Friday Savingspalooza will begin at 5:00 pm on Thanksgiving Day, and to make the event more festive, the retailer will be selling guns and knives in store parking lots.

    “We are going to have some incredible deals,” said Justin Sindycox, Director of Pleasant Customer Experiences told The Lint Screen. “We believe the best buys at Best Buys should go to the best shoppers, and that means those with their eyes on the prize. So, we’ll give aggressive shoppers an edge with some quality weaponry. We invite shoppers to get armed, and get ready to save like never before! And may the best shoppers survive.”

    Many have criticized the encroachment of retailer sales messages on a cherished family holiday. “Look, it’s not like families need a full turkey dinner,” said Sindycox. “They can grab a turkey sandwich and some Lay’s at 7-Eleven, get in line and gobble up incredible savings at Best Buy. This event will be the start of a new American tradition. And now that people can arm themselves, the free market can truly rule!”

  • Stephen Hawking Gets LinkedIn Endorsement

    Hawking is thrilled with his LinkedIn endorsement
    Hawking is thrilled with his LinkedIn endorsement

    Theoretical Physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking has received his first LinkedIn endorsement, a spokesman announced today.

    “Dr. Hawking is thrilled beyond belief,” Matthew Hunspurden told The Lint Screen. “He feels this kind of public endorsement on an esteemed social media site like LinkedIn will catapult his career into the stratosphere.”

    Hawking, who is known to be pretty intelligent, was endorsed by Harry Tadpole from Toledo, Ohio, a self-described “retail clerk/science enthusiast.” Tadpole endorsed Hawking for the skill of “knowing smartypants stuff.”

    “LinkedIn is an invaluable business networking tool,” said Hunspurden, “and although Dr. Hawking does not personally know Mr. Tadpole, he is forever in his debt for the ringing endorsement. This really could be a game changer for Dr. Hawking’s entire career.”

  • CNBC’s Unasked Debate Questions

    CNBC's dumpster is where good investigative journalism begins
    CNBC’s dumpster is where good investigative journalism and sweet eating begins

    The Lint Screen used dumpster diving journalism to unearth a crumpled sheet of paper with questions that were not asked in the Republican Presidential Debate on Wednesday. (TLS also found a delicious jelly donut with only one bite taken! Strawberry!!!)

    Here are the questions that were not posed:
    1. Where do each of you see you see yourself in two years?
    2. Mr. Trump, I’m thinking of a number between one and twenty. What is it, and are you crazy?
    3. Governor Bush, are you running to get the approval of your parents? Do you think they love your brother more than you because he won the oval office?
    4. Senator Paul, who do you like better–– Peter, Paul or Mary?
    5. Dr. Carson, everyone has heard about your ability to separate the heads of conjoined infants, but which medical drama do you think is better–– “E.R.” or “Gray’s Anatomy”? Why?
    6. Governor Huckabee, your name is fun to say. What nationality are you, anyway?
    7. Senator Cruz, you’re Cuban. Can you explain why Desi Arnaz cheated on Lucille Ball?
    8. Governor Christie, do you want to eat the rest of my sandwich and chips I have under my desk? There’s a dill pickle spear, too!
    9. Ms. Fiorina, I have an HP Officejet Pro 8100 that keeps jamming. What do you think’s wrong with the darn thing?
    10. Senator Rubio, why is Florida so popular with serial killers?
    11. Governor Kasich, what four-letter state containing three vowels is the best, and why haven’t you used a Nazi comparison yet in your campaign?
    12. Could I get all of you to hold hands, turn to one another and say, “I love you”? It’ll make for great television!