The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • Gowdy Heading Waldo Investigatory Committee

    Rep Gowdy vows to find the elusive figure "for once and for all."
    Rep. Gowdy vows to find Waldo “for once and for all.“

    Hot off the success of grilling Hillary Clinton about her involvement in the Benghazi brouhaha, The Lint Screen has learned Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) will be heading a special Congressional committee to investigate the whereabouts of Waldo.

    “I am sick and tired of people asking, ‘Where’s Waldo?’” Gowdy told a packed press conference. “It’s high time we found this sneaky guy. The longer this Waldo’s whereabouts are unknown, the more danger we all face!”

    Gowdy said he will select a bipartisan committee to look into the “Waldo affair” since he does not want there “to be any stink of political hijinks.” Many felt the eighth investigation into Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi attack was politically motivated.

    “We have no idea what this Waldo character is capable of,” said a somber Gowdy. “But we do know he goes out of his way to blend in and not to be found. That tells us he must be an imminent threat to America’s security. I plan to find this sneaky no goodnik, for once and for all. I want to be like Sheriff Andy Taylor and bring this outlaw to justice and keep our country safe!” Gowdy said with tears in his eyes. He then saluted his American flag lapel pin.

    Waldo could not be found for a comment.

  • Putin Softens Image

    Mr Bojangles melts hearts and likes vodka in his bowl.
    Mr Bojangles melts hearts and likes Bulgarian caviar treats.

    Ruski top dog Vlad Putin is tired of getting the bum wrap of being a bad actor on the world stage, so he’s taking steps to soften his hardline image.

    Enter “Mr. Bojangles”: the first puppy of Russia and furry best friend of the prez.

    “Mr. Bojangles is adorable,” said Ivan Bakinov, a Kremlin spokesman told The Lint Screen. “Those big eye orbs of his melts hearts. President Putin plans to hold Mr. Bojangles when he announces Russian invasions or bombings. Also, when he denies involvement in the assassinations of his enemies. Aw, look at him, he just left a present on the floor–– I mean the dog, not our revered and loved president!”

    The cute puppy scampered across the shiny marble floor of the Kremlin mischievously, as if he knew he had done something bad.

    “We are teaching Mr. Bojangles how to dance for you,” said Mr. Bakinov as he mopped his brow. “That should take the heat off President Putin and provide amusement for media newsniks. Now leave,” he commanded TLS reporter, “or you will be shot.”

    The Lint Screen reporter ran away crying, trying not to drip tears on the Kremlin floor.

  • Kim Jong Un Suing Supercuts

    N. Korean leader upset with latest cut, takes action
    N. Korean leader upset with latest cut, takes action

    He has a reputation for being a bit of a hothead, and now North Korean Superstar Incredible Best Ever Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un is suing Supercuts, the American hairstyling company.

    Officials close to the charismatic dynamo told The Lint Screen that Kim Jong Un has hired a Supercuts stylist to fashion his hair for years, but the immortal god of the people was “terribly upset” with his latest cut.

    “Our benevolent superior will teach these capitalistic pigs they cannot destroy him with scissors,” said a spokesman. “He feels his latest haircut makes him look childish, weak and impotent. He will not stand for this affront! If satisfaction cannot be achieved in courts, he will resort to nuclear justice. He cannot wait for his hair to grow to cover the egregious mistakes of a hostile stylist!”

  • Tom And Jerry Sign Historic Peace Accord

    Famous enemies vow to see if all you need is love.
    Famous enemies vow to see if all you need is love.

    For 75 years, Tom and Jerry have been fighting like cats and dogs, but they called a press conference today to announce they had settled their long dispute. “I can’t even recall how our feud began,” said a contemplative Tom the cat as he lit a pipe.

    “Maybe it’s because you’re a hostile a-hole,” said Jerry, the wiseacre mouse.

    “I’ve got anger management issues, for sure,” Tom said, as he scooped Jerry into his paw then into his mouth. “But it’s nothing a mouse diet can’t cure.”

    In the cat’s belly, Jerry lit a bomb. It exploded, and Tom blew-up into a million bloody pieces.

    “Now, you’re not such an angry prick,” Jerry said, wiping the blood from his mouse paws and beginning to walk away. SUDDENLY, Tom came running from stage left chasing the mouse.

    “How I wish I could die,” the feline said in a frustrated whine.

    “You and me, both!” Jerry said.

    The reporter from The Lint Screen shook his head and wondered if those two would ever settle their differences!

  • Dominos Offering “Rodent Pizza”

    Dominos, the company that made a name for itself in tiled games and pizza, is planning to capitalize on a recent YouTube video of a New York City rat carrying a slice down the subway stairs to catch his train.

    “Obviously there’s an untapped market out there,” said Phillip Mainstrom, Sr. V.P. of Strategy And Business Development told The Lint Screen, “and we think there’s an incredible opportunity for business growth.”

    After studying the video carefully, the Dominos test kitchens have developed a new recipe designed to serve the rodent population. “Most rats are smaller than humans,” said Chef Luigi Hazzlenut, Director of Pizza Sciences, “so, we’ve scaled the pie down to make it easier for the average rat to enjoy his slice. We’re also offering popular toppings like garbage, rotted meats, and that kind of thing.”

    The excitement inside Dominos headquarters was electric. “We’ve even got a rodent pizza emoji so rats can order from their smartphones,” said Barry Voddenpup, V.P. of Marketing Innovation. “We’re thinking this rodent initiative’s a slam dunk.”

    When asked if rats had much disposable income, our reporter was told the building was on fire and was forced to leave.

  • Ahmed Hired To Build New Apple Watch

    Ahmed says he can make a better Apple Watch with his hands tied behind his back.
    Ahmed says he can make a better Apple Watch with his hands tied behind his back.

    Apple leader Tim Cook is one smart cookie. The tech powerhouse kingpin told The Lint Screen he’s hired Irving, Texas troublemaker Ahmed Mohamed, the Muslim teen suspended from school and arrested earlier this week for bringing to school a homemade clock he built.

    “The kid’s obviously smart,” said Cook, as he gave himself a prison tattoo of a teardrop under his left eye. “I want that kind of noodle on my team,” Cook said as he wrung a wet mop and danced with it, as if he were stepping alongside Debbie Reynolds in Singing In The Rain.

    Jony Ive, Apple’s legendary Chief Design Officer is not sure he agrees. “Look, anyone can build a clock in a briefcase, but it’s a different tuna altogether to build a clock and phone and video and personal assistant and healthcare device and computer and gaming machine into a tiny watch you wear on your wrist.” Ive then spat on the ground and rolled up the sleeves of his white tee shirt flexing his muscles. “We’ll see how good this kid is. We’ll see.”

    Ahmed seemed confident he was up for the task. “I’ve also got some cool phone ideas,” the 14-year old said as he put the finishing touches on a self-driving car he made from metal scraps, pipe cleaners and oily rags.