The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • DraftKing Winner Gets Bupkis

    Gambling doesn't pay for chump.
    Gambling doesn’t pay for chump.

    Poor Evan Swartzky. He thought he won a cool million Simoleons with his fantasy football picks made on DraftKings, the online gambling service for the gullible. Instead, he won a place in the Fool’s Hall of Shame.

    “I was so excited when they told me I won,” the bearded goofball told The Lint Screen. “They had a ceremony where a short guy in a crumpled suit smoking a Pall Mall presented me with a big million dollar check. I did a victory dance and immediately called my boss at work and told him to take his lousy job and shove it–– because I was a big time fantasy football millionaire! Then, I went to the bank to get a stash and take my buddies bar hopping and strip clubbing.”

    This is where the story takes a turn for the tragic as Mr. Swartzky spoke softly, trying to contain his tears. “The bank teller told me my check was not legal tender. She said it was a prop, and apparently Bank of America doesn’t recognize Foamcore as currency. She also said because I had no I.D. for being ‘King of The Beach Winner’, she couldn’t cash my check, even if it were real. Then, she called other bank employees over and pointed at me and said, ‘look at the idiot trying to cash a comically large check.’ Everyone laughed, other bank customers included. I felt kind of foolish,” the bearded man said before he broke down and sobbed for six minutes before confessing, “I don’t know, maybe I’m overly sensitive.”

    With that, Evan Startzky straightened up and looked proud. “I’ve got some hot picks for this week’s games though. I’m going to win again!”

  • G.I. Joe w/ Kung-Fu Grip Announces Retirement

    G.I. Joe is calling it a day.
    G.I. Joe is calling it a day.

    Since 1974, one brave soldier has given his all, but now G.I. Joe with Kung-Fu Grip has decided to trade in his camo for sweats and a “World’s Greatest Grampa” tee-shirt.

    “I’ve had a good career,” said a visibly shaken Mr. Joe, “but most Americans didn’t even I know I was still fighting. I was proud to be of service to kids who needed an ally battling evil dinosaurs or bratty siblings who need a good smack in the head by a plastic hero. I did my part, and accomplished many missions. But I just can’t do it any more.” The old soldier broke into tears as his physician, Dr. Phillip Osterbunn stepped forward and spoke to The Lint Screen.

    “G.I. Joe gave his all, and his body took the brunt of the incredible punishment. His Kung-Fu grip now is afflicted with carpal tunnel syndrome. He has E.D.–– please, don’t ask me how that’s possible. He also has an enlarged prostate, arthritis, cravings to watch national news and talk back to the TV, memory loss, an insatiable hunger for hard candies–– all the symptoms of old age,” the physician said as his eyes welled with tears and his voice cracked. “But the deciding factor was last week when he told me that he’d fallen and could not get back up. I’m afraid it’s time to give up your service when your body can no longer be of service.”

    We’ll miss you, brave soldier! Thanks for keeping our toy boxes safe.

  • Obama To Rename More U.S. Landmarks

    America, meet the newly-named FaceHenge!
    America, meet the newly-named FaceHenge!

    President Barack Obama is on a roll. After announcing his plan to change the name of Alaska’s Mt. McKinley to Mt. Denali, The Lint Screen has learned he has other name changes he’ll soon put in place.

    The Washington Monument will soon be renamed Pointy Cement Skyscraper.
    The Statue of Liberty will carry the moniker Liberty Insurance’s Logo Lady.
    The Jefferson Memorial will be called Mr. Fancy Pants Cabana.
    Gettysburg National Military Park will have a new moniker playing off Obama’s favorite Beatles song, Bloody Fields Forever
    Mount Rushmore will be known as FaceHenge.
    The Lincoln Memorial will be renamed Abe’s Chill-A-Torium.
    Golden Gate Bridge will be known as McKinley’s Land Connector (as an appeasement to Ohioans cheesed-off with his Mt. Denali decision).
    The Liberty Bell gets a new name that’s an homage to one of the president’s favorite TV shows–– The Big Clang Theory

    A White House spokesman said there may be some who are upset at these decisions, “But so what? Who’s going to question the guy who lives in The Snow Palace. By the way, that’s the new name for the White House.”

  • Warren G. Harding Was Ashley Madison Member

    When he wasn't swinging, Harding pitched.
    When he wasn’t swinging, Harding pitched.

    Following the recent news that Warren G. Harding, the 29th President of the United States fathered a love child in 1919 with Nan Britton, The Lint Screen has learned he was also one of the earliest members of the Ashley Madison extramarital affairs website.

    The Ashley Madison website was recently hacked and a list of its 32 million members has been leaked. Surprisingly, 99.987% of the members are male. Harding’s name is listed as Member #2, Cornelius K. Thornstickle, a lead pencil magnate, was Member #1.

    “It’s a startling revelation about Harding,” said Professor Hargrain Willis, Jr. of The Exorbitant Tuition & Worthless Degree Factory University in Hudson, Ohio. “He was obviously a man with a voracious sexual appetite, and he also liked to pack the groceries down his gullet. Harding was truly our most dashing president, and a contender to the claim of ‘father of our country.’”

    Warren G. Harding could not be reached for comment due to a previous death.

  • Amazon Announces “Urchin Prime” Service

    Need something? Get it fast with Urchin Prime.
    Need something? Get it fast with Urchin Prime.

    Amazon, the internet everything store, has come under a barrage of bad publicity following a scathing expose of its high pressure working conditions in The New York Times. Today The Lint Screen learned that the company is fighting back–– with a new service that it says “shows compassion and concern for our best customers, while instilling our youth with a good work ethic.”

    It’s called Amazon Urchin Prime. Those who enroll for $249/annually will receive a personal street urchin to fetch Amazon orders the moment they are made, and deliver them “toot sweet, or faster.”

    “Urchin Prime shows a new level of responsive, attentive service,” said Todd Lorrhence, Amazon’s Sr. V.P. Corporate Toadying. “It gives Amazon a human face and scurrying feet to fetch whatever our customers desire. And for our urchins, it offers a free on the job training program in industriousness, personalized service skills development and customer commitment. We see this as a win-win-win situation.”

    Jeff Bezos, check and mate. Take that, New York Times! Who’s evil now?

  • College Student Demands Protection From World

    He's armed with lawyers!
    He’s armed with lawyers!

    C. Daniel Wisterdom will be entering Middlebury College next week, and is already threatening lawsuits against this respected Vermont liberal arts mecca, The Lint Screen has learned from hanging out in the quad.

    “I am very concerned Middlebury may book a so-called edgy comedian,” said the rising freshman majoring in Humanity Theoretical Studies, “and I will not stand to have someone brandish microaggressions against minorities, or belittle social norms, gender identification or airline cuisine.”

    University officials have assured Mr. Wisterdom they have no intention of booking a controversial funny person. “It would be unconscionable for us to expose our student body to different ways of thinking that extract humor from the pain of others,” said Robert Posey, Director of Chill. “To that end, we have banned TV channels on our cable system that we believe might incite panic and anxiety among our student body, who we believe are this nation’s most valuable assets.”

    Mr. Wisterdom is not confident and will be watching carefully. “If I come across the broadcasting of a cartoon where a coyote threatens the very existence of a road runner, or a sailor partakes of tobacco and the nutritional benefits of spinach to bully another, I will slap Middlebury with a lawsuit that will knock them into the nineteenth century! I have my father’s law firm on speed dial.”

    With that, Mr. Wisterdom resumed curling into the fetal position and sucking his thumb.