The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • Whoops! 10 Korrections!!!

    "Whoopsie daisy!" says Ms. Daisy, copy editor at TLS.
    “Whoopsie daisy!” says Ms. Daisy, copy editor at TLS.

    It’s time for The Lint Screen to air its dirty laundry and soiled linens by copping to some gaffes we’ve made.

    1. The Magna Carta was not a malt liquor as we reported. Apparently, it was some sort of historical thingy.

    2. Lions cannot breed with elephants, so our story warning of impending annihilation for the human race may have been a tad overblown.

    3. Ditto on dragons breeding with unicorns and invading soon.

    4. The New York Yankees did not win the 1958 Preakness.

    5. Germany was not involved with the Civil War.

    6. Henry Kissenger was never a U.S. president, or, a ballet dancer.

    7. Eggs and Egg Beaters are not naturally sworn enemies. They are separate food groups.

    8. The sky is not literally falling (but we still suspect it’s drooping rapidly).

    9. Ken Burns is not related to George Burns or Sidney Poitier.

    10. The quotes of a dude in a bar after a seven-hour bender is not considered “a trusted source,” according to some schools of journalistic thought. Ergo, we may have been a little off center in our report that “The government is trying to confiscate our major and minor appliances, and replace them with exact replicas that will control our thoughts and actions and force us to surrender our stash of firearms.”

  • Cookie Monster Crumbles

    Sesame Street's most notorious junkie finally gets help.
    Sesame Street’s most notorious junkie finally gets help.

    These Sesame Streets are a little less dangerous today as longtime resident Cookie Monster has placed himself into a Santa Monica rehab facility.

    “He was an accident waiting to happen,” Elmo told The Lint Screen. “Dude finally hit rock bottom, yo. He was hassling some Girl Scouts for cookies and just went bonkers. Got all touchy-feely, jonsesing to score a Samoa or Thin Mint. It got real ugly, man. Grover and Ernie had to restrain him. Everyone on The Street knew Cookie Monster had some issues, and we’re glad he’s finally addressing them.”

    Bird Bird, another resident, said Cookie Monster’s incident was not surprising. “He’s had a sugar problem for a long, long time. Always mooching cookies, hitting the Karo bottle, looking to score rock candy. It’s not right when you gotta have a sugar rush that bad. And recently, he got so crazed he started licking Kermit because he heard you can get high licking frogs. That’s just not right.”

    Telly Monster has an interesting hypothesis about what he believes is driving Cookie Monster’s addiction. “He’s obviously masking some deep insecurity, fear or secret. I suspect the poor guy’s illiterate. I don’t think he can read or write a lick. How sad is that? You’re one of the longest residents on Sesame Street and it’s all just gibberish. None of the catchy songs or cute games took root. I think he feels shame and guilt over his failure. No wonder the poor schmuck crashed.”

    The cute children who visit Sesame Street do not seem upset about Cookie Monster’s absence. “He was kind of an ass,” said a precocious four-year old girl.

    Aw, isn’t she precious?

  • Cool Dude Considering Buying Hat

    Chet "Hammer" Stewpot may opt for a dome. A nation waits.
    Mr. Chet “Two Tongs” Stewpot may opt to don a dome as an anxious nation awaits his decision.

    Some people have to work to appear “with it.” Others are just “IT!!!”

    Take Chet “Two Tongs” Stewpot (his born name: John Brown). This cool cat daddy-o has always been the epitome of hip, on the leading edge of fashion and blazing style trails through the thick forest of conformity. Now he’s considering making an even louder statement!

    “Got the glasses and facial hair working, and doing the ironic mole and receding hairline,” Two Tongs told The Lint Screen. “But I’m thinking about kicking it up another notch. Taking it to the nose bleed level. I’m straight up thinking about getting me a hat.”

    His friends and neighbors in Hoboken aren’t so sure.

    “Personally, I don’t see Two Tongs as a cap guy,” said Ariel Raintree Creston, an ex-girlfriend who works with him at the Vapatorium. “A hat would be like, I don’t know, hiding the top of his head, or something.”

    “I think Two Tongs might be able to pull it off,” said Offer Tunblook, a close friend of 16-years. “But any fashion change-up entails a certain degree of risk. It’s like, one day are you going to stepping out in a pair of orange Chucks with blue laces? I don’t know, man. If it were me, I’d do some testing first.”

    Two Tongs doesn’t seem too concerned with the concerns others have expressed. “Look, all great inventors rolled the dice. Columbus didn’t discover America by playing it safe and staying in Ohio. Edison didn’t invent the car in a test tube. My biggest decision is whether to go porkpie, Greek fisherman or fedora. Got to see what my gut tells me and trust the old belt holder.”

    Until then, a nervous nation will hold its collected baited breath!

  • A 2015 Conversation With Don Draper

    Don Draper opens up during a $234 bar tab conversation
    Don Draper opens up during a $1,258 bar tab conversation

    “Mad Men” has officially retired, but its star, Don Draper (AKA “Tricky Dickie Whitman”) is still alive and well. The suits he wears these days are sweatsuits, but he still cuts a handsome, if wrinkled figure in his walker outfitted with Penn tennis balls on the feet. The Lint Screen recently pulled up a barstool next to this advertising legend for a candid conversation.

    TLS: Hello, Don. It’s good to see you.
    DD: Enough of the chit-chat. Buy me a drink.
    TLS: Sure. So, how old are you now?
    DD: Don’t know. 89. 90. Something like that.
    TLS: And how’s retirement?
    DD: Retirement? From McCann? I wish. I’m freelancing now. Need some help?
    TLS: No.
    DD: I was a superstar, a legend. (TO BARTENDER) Keep pouring. and keep that bottle here– he’s buying.
    TLS: We’re not looking for any freelance help right now.
    DD: If you do, I’m your man.
    TLS: What did you think of the “Mad Men” finale?
    DD: What kind of a stupid question is that? It’s my story. It was incredible. Brilliant!
    TLS: So, you really created the “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” spot?
    DD: Of course, you idiot. Weren’t you watching?
    TLS: Well, some questioned the ending. It was a little ambiguous.
    DD: The spot’s on my reel. What more proof do you need?
    TLS: Was that a big moment for you?
    DD: What do you think? The biggest commercial in the world, and I did it.
    TLS: Was that the highlight of your career?
    DD: Hard to say. I had a lot of great spots.
    TLS: Such as…
    DD: Apple Computer’s “1984” spot. Came up with that in ’78. I was that good.
    TLS: Wow.
    DD: Steve Jobs was an ass. He wanted a talking dog spot.
    TLS: Any other big spots or campaigns?
    DD: Nike “Just do it.”
    TLS: You worked at Wieden & Kennedy?
    DD: Who?
    TLS: Wieden & Kennedy in Portland. I thought they created that campaign.
    DD: It’s in my book. End of discussion, okay, weisenheimer?
    TLS: Anything else?
    DD: McDonald’s “You Deserve a break today.”
    TLS: You did that, too?
    DD: Yeah. The clients wanted to change it to “You deserve delicious McDonald’s food every single day.” I talked them out of it. Idiots!
    TLS: Amazing.
    DD: That’s nothing. I did a bunch of classic campaigns–– Volkswagen Beetle, Fed Ex, Energizer Bunny, Budweiser Frogs, Marlboro Man, Wendy’s “where’s the Beef?”, Mini “Let’s Go”, Rolling Stone “Perception/Reality” print campaign, ESPN SportsCenter stuff, Got Milk, Dumb ways to die. If it’s famous, chances are I did it.
    TLS: That’s amazing, you created some of the most iconic ad campaigns of all time.
    DD: Damn right. (SHOUTING TO BARTENDER) Another bottle down here! And bring me a couple more to go. The good stuff.
    TLS: How are your contemporaries? How’s Roger Sterling?
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Peggy Olson?
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Stan…
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Joan…
    DD: Dead.
    TLS: Pete Campbell?
    DD: Dead. The weasel.
    TLS: Duck Phillips?
    DD: He’s alive. Sells digital ads.
    TLS: Amazing. You’ve outlasted so many.
    DD: Yeah. Still in the game. Freelancing. Need any help? I’ll give you a break on my day rate.
    TLS: Uh, no thanks.
    DD: If you ever do, remember the Don. Don Draper.
    TLS: Will do.
    DD: (SHOUTS) Barkeep, where’s my bottles?!

  • Fertilizer For Ivy Leaguers

    You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing.
    You could hear a pin drop if you had really good hearing and I was clumsy with pins.

    The following is my commencement address to the Princeton University Class of 2015.

    Good afternoon. Sit, please. Enough applause already, please sit. Thanks.

    That was a lovely rendition of “Pomp & Circumference”–– let’s it hear it for the PU band! You guys rock.

    As I look out on all those fancy robes, colorful sashes, Mortar Board skull caps and big foam fingers with “We’re #1” printed on them waving madly, I feel your sense of pride, accomplishment and excitement.

    Your investment of hundreds of thousands of dollars has finally come to an end, unless you re-up for another hit of higher education in the ol’ academia incubator.

    Either way, if you have piles of student debt and need some relief, or, you need a little loan, my friend Sal is in the parking lot. He’s the husky guy sitting in a gold Buick Riveria with a two-day beard and a Lucky Strike in his mouth. Sal has some exceptional terms. And if you act today, he’ll throw in a pair of Isotoner gloves when you pay your loan back, providing you still have all your digits. Take a sit down with Sal and let your troubles float away.

    So, what about life? What are the keys to success? How can you find your true purpose, your happiness?

    To quote a great philosopher, the answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind. And if you can’t find answers there, remember the idea that drove Fox Mulder in “The X-Files”–– THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

    Find it, graduates. Find the truth. How? Try The internet, that thing has damn near everything you ever need to know and it’s all true. Believe it!

    Thanks. Now please commence with the thunderous applause, foot stomping and lighters in the air, and I may come back out for an encore.

    Rock on, Princeton, I love you!

  • An Open Letter To End “Fight of The Century”

    A plea to these two fine men.
    An impassioned plea to these two fine men to settle their differences rationally.

    The Lint Screen has learned that Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is scheduled to fight Manny Pacquiao tomorrow in what many are calling “The Fight of The Century”–– and we are worried sick.

    In the interest of humanity, TLS is offering $10 (an Abe per-man) if they lay down their gloves and shake hands.

    We believe there is too much violence in this world and that canvas should be used for painting pony and rainbows, not splattering with blood, mucus and sweat.

    We want you two guys to sit down and rationally discuss any conflicts you may have. We are happy to monitor and referee your spirited debate.

    Please, gentlemen, settle your disputes like proper gentlemen!

    If you do fight tomorrow night, Mr. Mayweather, we’d appreciate your taking a dive in the eighth round. We’ll make it work your while (a crisp Jackson!).

    Thank you.