The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • O’Reilly & Williams Go Into A Bar…

    Two famous newsmen secretly met and shared tales of better days.
    Two famous newsmen secretly met and swapped tales of better days.

    Holland Bar in Hell’s Kitchen seemed an odd spot to meet a couple multi-millionaire media stars, but The Lint Screen recently descended into this dive bar to eavesdrop on a conversation between Fox Newsman Bill O’Reilly and NBC Anchor Brian Williams. The two tall men sat at the end of the bar with tumblers of scotch and commiserated on their recent troubles.
    BO: It’s a media hit job, the whole thing they’re pulling on me.
    BW: I hear you, pal. The wolves sharpened their teeth on my ass.
    BO: Know what their problem is?
    BW: They’ve got no imagination?
    BO: Of course, that, but their real problem is they can’t stand integrity, and it irks the hell out of them that some journalists still got it.
    BW: Guys like you and me.
    BO: Right. Guys putting ourselves on the line to get the story.
    BW: The whole story. It’s why I go in harm’s way.
    BO: And why I wrote my “Killing” book series. Hell, I didn’t even write about being on the grassy knoll when Kennedy bought the farm.
    BW: Really? You must have been pretty young.
    BO: Thirteen, fourteen, or something. But even then, I had a nose for the news. I sensed a story was unfolding in the land our forefathers called Texas.
    BW: What a coincidence, I call it Texas, too.
    BO: Hey, barkeep! (O’Reilly shouts) Want to fill my glass, or do I have to die from dehydration down here? (To BW) Service in America sucks. There’s no compassion whatsoever.
    BW: Service sector needs to focus on humanity.
    BO: My point exactly. (To bartender as he pours scotch into his glass) Don’t be shy, buddy, if you expect a good tip. And do my friend here again.
    BW: Thanks, Bill.
    (The bartender finishes pouring and steps to the other end of the bar.)
    BO: Where was I?
    BW: The grassy knoll.
    BO: Right. Shots rang out and…
    BW: I was on the plane, you know…
    BO: The plane? What plane?
    BW: Air Force One. With LBJ getting sworn in. Poor Jackie, she looked so sad. That dress was absolutely ruined.
    BO: Really? You were there? You must have been a little kid.
    BW: I was four, I think. Yeah, a kid, I guess…
    BO: That’s amazing.
    BW: Well, like you, I guess I had a nose for news.
    BO: And that’s why all the other media pinheads hate us–– they despise that we do the job.
    BW: It’s all about the story. Doing whatever it takes to get the story.
    BO: Right. And others are too lazy to go find the story behind the story, and that so often is the story! So what do they do? They come gunning for guys like us.
    BW: Exactly.
    BO: You like this scotch?
    BW: Sure. It’s smoky, nice full-bodied flavor.
    BO: It’s my recipe. I sold it to a distillery. Told them to keep my name off the bottle. I don’t want to be whoring booze. Might ruin my credibility.
    BW: Really? That’s incredible. You created the recipe for this wonderful scotch?
    BO: Yeah. Look, if a newsman doesn’t know a good drink, then who the hell does? I’ll tell you about it…

  • The Missing McConaughey Super Bowl Scripts

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    This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.

    “Cake”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.

    MMVO: I remember some good cake I had one time.
    All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
    But then…
    someone left the cake out in the rain.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!

    I don’t think I can take it
    ’cause it took so long to bake it
    And I’ll never have that recipe again…

    MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.

    CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
    —————————————————

    “Who Am I?”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.

    MM VO: Who am I? Why am I here?

    They’re big questions.
    We all search for identity.

    MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.

    I could use more lumbar support.

    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.

    That’s much better.

    CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

    SUPER LOGO

    ———————————————–

    “What’s Ahead”

    OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.

    MM VO: What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
    Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
    How do magicians do their tricks?

    (SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)

    What the heck was that?
    I could use a latte.

    MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.

    That’s nice.
    What is life? What’s ahead?

    SUPER LOGO

  • Garfield Not to Publish Mohammed Comics

    The edited Garfield-Mohammed comic strip
    A sample censored Garfield-Mohammed comic strip

    The world’s most popular cartoon cat, Garfield, will not feature the prophet Mohammed in upcoming comic strips as planned following the tragic slaying of twelve people by religious zealot kooks who can’t take a joke.

    “After what happened in the Paris offices of satirical magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’, we just didn’t think it was a good idea,” said an anonymous source close to the popular cartoon feline.

    Insiders report that there was an upcoming series of comic strips detailing the adventures of Mohammed and Garfield.

    “It was going to be some pretty biting satire,” said a source close to the colorful cat. “You know, like finding the perfect lasagna recipe while trying to maintain a sensible deity diet. Or Ordie wanting to snuggle with the M-man, and it drives him bonkers. Just some wacky hijinks. We were looking forward to showing a different, edgier side of Garfield, but after what’s happened, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

    Truth. FYI: If you are an upset terrorist, the offices of The Lint Screen are closed.

  • Man Makes New Year’s Resolutions

    Greg Stewernapp vows 2015 is going to be a year a change!
    Greg Stewernapp vows 2015 is going to be a year of change!

    With 2014 winding down, many people are making resolutions or “silly promises made to selves” for change. And one of those resolute resolutionarians is Greg Stewernapp (pictured above as he was interviewed).

    “The new year is going to be a new leaf for me,” he said. “I swear, this year I’m going to jog a lot more and watch my doggone diet. I’m also going to learn me a second language and it talk it real good. And, I think I’m going to watch less TV and read more books. Thick books, the kind that don’t even have pictures or drawings or nothing but words. There was something else I was going to change, something I was going to do to make life better, but I can’t think of it right now. Anyway, 2015 is going to be my year for big changes, I swear!”

    Good luck, Mr. Stewernapp, we wish you well! Happy new year!!!

  • Analog Emotions in Our Digital World

    If you watch television, you’ve probably seen Apple’s new holiday spot. If not, here’s the cheese:

    It works because it’s a simple human story, something in short supply these days.

    The young woman is rummaging through her granny’s vinyl collection and comes across a Voice-O-Graph. This is a recording the grandmother had made in 1952 for Raymond, her lover who was off to war. The granddaughter turns on the old analog stereo receiver and drops the needle on the Voice-O-Graph. We hear that distinctive sound of a needle etching its way across vinyl, a sound that is absent in today’s all digital crystal clear audio world. That sound, that imperfect sound, connects on an emotional level because it has warmth and tonal resonance. For anyone familiar with vinyl, that sound of a needle on a record is hardwired to our innocence.

    We hear the young woman speak to her soldier. “My darling Raymond, though you can’t be here for the holidays, we’ll always be together in my heart.” Then, the young woman begins singing “Our Love Is Here To Stay” by George and Ira Gershwin. The granddaughter is moved.

    Enter technology.

    She takes the Voice-O-Graph and digitizes into her Apple Air. She accompanies her grandmother’s voice from 1952 with guitars a keyboard and her own voice.

    The granddaughter plays Santa and leaves an iPad Air with earbuds on the kitchen table along with a card reading “‘A duet’ press play.” We see modern granny as she listens to the composition of her young self accompanied by her granddaughter and views the collection of black and white photos that have been left for her. She views the pictures as she listens. There she is, as a young woman. There is her soldier. There is their daughter as a little girl dressed up and standing by the Christmas tree. There is the proud young woman granny once was, standing with her freshly-pressed Voice-O-Graph.

    The granddaughter did not make a movie of the pictures and marry them to the song. That would have reduced the story to a screen. No, we see the grandmother handling physical B&W pictures as she listens to the soundtrack enjoying the movies of memories in her head. We can’t see these memories but we read her reactions to them on her face. She is touched. We are touched. The woman who plays grandma plays her perfectly, not milking the emotions but allowing them to wash over her in fond reflections.

    The granddaughter sits on the stairs and watches granny at the kitchen table. Although she can’t see her face, she’s happy that she has delivered a perfect Christmas gift–– a personal one built on a moment from 62 years ago (one that was hidden in a stack of old records), digitized and improved thanks to her love for her grandmother.

    What does this spot say about Apple? It says that this company makes technology that enables magic moments like this. Add your creativity and make something special.

    The gift is not the product, it’s the humanity one brings to others thanks to the product(s).

    So, couldn’t any number of companies have created this spot? Absolutely. But they didn’t. They’re too busy comparing themselves and their products to Apple.

    This is another holiday classic, like last year’s Apple spot “Misunderstood” (see below). Congrats to everyone involved with these spots. You are proving that in an age where we live in front of screens, we can still create magic to move and touch people.

  • Ironic Comment Leads to Restaurant Tragedy

    Sometimes irony takes a turn for the worse and people die.
    When irony takes a turn for the worse, people die.

    Chez Yummi in Burlington, Vermont is the sort of food joint locals love, but yesterday, instead of serving hot plates of deliciousness, cold tragedy was served.

    And it was yucky! (Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: The Lint Screen’s writing is lean and muscular!)

    Restaurant patron Fred Vownem was with his wife, Margaret. He had ordered the spaghetti and meatballs and she opted for the chicken chow mein. Both customers devoured their dishes. When their waiter, Russ Humplott returned to clear their table, he asked how they liked their food. Mr. Vownem pointed to the empty plates and said, “We hated it.” Marge Humplott recalls what happened next in the next paragraph.

    “The waiter freaked out,” she said with tears filling her eyeballs. “He was very nervous and ran into the kitchen. Then the chef came storming out of the kitchen with a large knife and began stabbing my husband. The chef was screaming that we would have to pay for the food we ate and that he needed the money. My husband tried to explain he was joking about hating the food, but it was too late. The chef repeatedly plunged the knife into his chest and he fell to the floor, dead. It was awful, I honestly don’t think I’ll ever go back there again,” the widow said as she began crying salty tears of sorrow and remorse for the irony that her husband had served to a hothead with sharp cutlery.

    The chef, Robert Jickell is being held on manslaughter charges. The waiter received a poor tip (only 5%) for his table service.

    All in all, a pretty bad night for all–– with no just desserts.

    (Note to The Pulitzer Prize Selection Committee: the editorial staff of The Lint Screen has shelf space available to display awards and prizes.)