The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • Mannequin Confessions: Kianti

    Kianti is strong and silent, until she opens up.
    Kianti is strong and silent, until she opens up.

    This is the second in The Lint Screen’s exclusive profiles of mannequins, “The Still Generation.” Today, a high fashion mannequin in Memphis named Kianti shares her thoughts and feelings in a brutally honest confession.

    “People always wonder why I’m so quiet but they never stop and ask themselves why they’re always talking and talking and talking when they’re not saying anything worth hearing so maybe they should just button their stupid cake-holes and keep quiet as a church mouse with a ball gag and listen once in awhile because I think you learn a lot more listening than you do talking since when you’re listening you’re allowing the world to enter your brain rather than simply puking whatever’s on your mind out of your mouth and into the atmosphere and frankly I think some of the most dangerous air pollution doesn’t come from industrial smokestacks or stinky bus exhaust pipes but instead comes from big dumb yaps flapping in the breeze because the words spoken by hateful people can hurt a lot more than they think despite that old saying about sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me but that old saw is a load of crap because when people say things like they think I’m too quiet and why doesn’t she open up and why is she so still and motionless well those words really do hurt me because I’m quiet for a good reason and I don’t move because that’s my job and I’m a professional and maybe those miserable people should just be like me and shut the hell up and that’s about all I have to say about the entire matter because if I keep talking I swear I’m going to cry and tears will ruin my make up and spoil this outfit that is stylish and looks fabulous on me, okay?”

  • 11 Little Know Facts About The Beatles

    This picture reveals a secret that The Beatles never shared
    This picture reveals a secret that The Beatles never shared

    For over fifty years, the world has been awash in The Beatles. You thought you’d heard everything, but maybe not. The Lint Screen has unearthed the following eleven nuggets for your enlightenment.
    1. The band’s original name was Yanni
    2. John did not want to release the first Beatles album on vinyl, he suggested they be ahead of their time and release a CD–– his mates voted him down
    3. The band’s manager, Brian Epstein, had lobster claws for hands and four small glands that secreted drawn butter
    4. McCartney’s favorite Beatle was Micky Dolenz
    5. George Martin, the band’s longtime producer, had a mapcap sense of humor. He would often pretend to be clumsy and erase all the takes of a long day and night’s session, much to the band’s dismay and anger.
    6. Ringo had a tail and held secret from the rest of the band for six years
    7. George Harrison sought psychiatric attention for his guitar because of its constant weeping; soon thereafter, the instrument was fed a steady diet of antidepressants
    8. The Beatles were illiterate and cursive handwriting made them giggle
    9. The original title of the song “Help!” was “Not To Be A Bother But Might I Request Some Possible Assistance, Please, If You Don’t Mind Terribly”
    10. In 1964, there were 16,712 confirmed deaths due to acute Beatlemania
    11. Lennon was known for his sharp wit as evidenced by “The Daily Mirror” reporter who asked him his favorite color and John’s responded by slashing his face with a switchblade razor and dousing the scribe in petrol then lighting him afire. Truly, John Lennon could be a saucy scamp!

  • Trolls Blast Lint Screen’s 500th Post

    Critics slam post and obviously need good conditioner
    Critics slam post and obviously need good conditioner

    This is the 500th post captured on The Lint Screen, the world’s premiere website for tom foolery and the occasional dollop of wisdom under a title associated with the name of a laundry-related object. And the reviews of this post are already less than stellar.

    “I thought it’d be a hell of a lot better,” writes opusmango354.
    “It’s suck on a stick,” slammed myworldsbetterthanyours92.
    “Reminds me of the finale of ‘Lost’–– a heaping helping of disappointment,” posted ragamuffinhead3. “And the dude who played Hugo in ‘Lost’ sucked!”

    Still, the editorial staff of The Lint Screen stands by its decision to post its 500th missive. “For almost six years, we’ve been grinding these dispatches out. We’ve learned there’s always going to be haters out there,” said one editor as he dove under his desk dodging a volley of bullets from a car driving by. “We’re going to keep trying to please the people because, well, we’re people pleaser people.”

    “How lame,” commented mesospecial909. “I hope the 501st post is a lot better than this one.”

  • Our Bad–– Lint Korrections

    blah
    The Lint Screen editorial staff working hard

    The first man to walk on the moon, Paula Deen, once quipped, “To air is human, to forgive define.” It is in that spirit of definition that The Lint Screen prints this correction of goofs and blunders our editorial staff has made.
    + The Shining was written by Stephen King, not Martin Luther King
    + The Empire State Building does in fact contain elevators; we had reported that the tall building contains “a whole bunch of dumbwaiters and dudes with tired arms”
    + Ulysses S. Grant fought in The American Civil War, not “an epic 23-hour game of Risk”
    + The Beatles were known as “The Fab Four”, not Peter, Paul and Mary
    + Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We had mistakenly disclosed that they “went up the hill to torch a couple spliffs of righteous bush, got totally baked and came tumbling down, man. Bummer!”
    + The Washington Monument is not shaped like the nation’s first president
    + Lebron James is a professional basketball player. We had erroneously reported that he was “the lesser known James brother in the rootin’ tootin’ wild, wild west!”
    + The name of the IBM computer that humiliated humanity playing Jeopardy was Watson, not “The Brainiac 6000”
    + Cats say “meow” and cows say “moo”–– not vice versa as we stated, although our reporter insists he’s heard cats moo

    Despite these few errors, please know that The Lint Screen will continue its mission to be the most trusted source of information and perfection on the internet.

    Thank you.
    The Editore

  • The Bieb Claims Chickens Caused Arrest

    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin'!
    The Biebster taken down, but still stylin’!

    Pop sensation Justin Bieber claims “fowl play” as the cause of his recent arrest for drunk driving, resisting arrest, driving without a valid license and felonious assault of boyish cuteness.

    Bieber, 19, was released on $2,500 bond and told The Lint Screen that he was “set up like a bowling pin by irate chickens.” JB claims the chicken were upset that Bieber had egged a neighbors house in the recent past and that “the chickens were kind of close to the eggs I used so they wanted revenge.”

    The pop star said that the chickens slipped moonshine liquor into his evening milk and then asked him for a ride downtown. Bieber said he liked being kind to animals and agreed to drive the chickens. He got into the car, drove, and soon after was busted. Police reports make no mention of chickens in the car or traces of feathers.

    Nonetheless, Bieber stands by his story. “Chickens did this to me. I’m innocent. Innocent and absolutely adorable,” he said combing his hair and pouting into a wall mirror.

  • Believe It, Or Whatever

    On a recent trip to St. Augustine, Florida, The Lint Screen unearthed an amazing discovery at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum (believe it or not, that’s the name)–– lint art.

    Check it out:
    Rooster Lint

    Beneath the eye-opening artwork, the description:
    Lint Art

    Lint is a wonderful medium, believe it.