Take that, THE MAN! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
The Man has been trying to put The Lint Screen down.
We’ve experienced lots of technical difficulties over the past couple weeks with our site hosted on GoDaddy servers. Now maybe GoDaddy was taking all that server space to stockpile the brainpower necessary to create its Super Bowl spots known for their intellectual stimulation (among other forms of stimulation). Whatever, it just wasn’t working so well for TLS.
Or, it could have been the NSA dropping the hammer on all sites related to clothes dryers and their accessories. Why? It’s the government–– don’t ask, don’t tell.
So we’ve switched servers to HostGator and it appears all systems are go. Sorry for any difficulties you might have experienced, please stay tuned as we ramp back up to our irregular and irresponsible postings.
What becomes a legend most? Some fanciful story that warms the cockles of your heart. But sometimes cockles need to be jump started with truth. Here’s an animated defibrillator.
Happy, merry to you and yours from us and ours at The Lint Screen.
With the 2012 elections finally over, the United States of America rebuilds its psyche.
After being pummeled by billions of dollars spent in negative advertising, and endless hours of pundits punditizing endlessly, and millions of promises for happier days ahead if (INSERT CANDIDATE NAME HERE) is elected, a wounded nation now gathers its wits and hopes against all odds that politicians elected will actually do something working together instead of grandstanding.
Yes, democracy hurts, the process can be ugly, but perhaps now our divided nation will go forward for the greater good. Wouldn’t that be something?
With another Al Qaeda #2 biting the dust, the evil terrorist network has decided to turn up the heat in recruitment efforts.
Following Saeed al-Shihri’s encounter with a bomb recently in Yemen, the #2 Al Qaeda position is once again open. Reports from a secret source in the no goodnik organization say that there is little interest in being promoted into the vacant position. “No one wants to step up to #2. From #3 through #99, not one person wants the promotion,” said the deep cover source.
So, Al Qaeda has turned to LinkedIn, Facebook and Monster.com in an effort to recruit a solid second in command. The ads read in part “Like adventure? Excitement? Bombs in your undergarments? Come join ‘The A-Team’ and learn how thrilling a job can be. Handsome pay package, rich retirement package and scads of virgins post-retirement.”
No reports as yet if the effort is soliciting many qualified candidates.
As The Games of The XXX Olympiad come to a close, The Lint Screen presents some secrets that the world media have missed, or refuse to report because of some evil plot involving dry cleaners and the banking industry.
1. The reason so many running world records were shattered is that the athletes were told that if they lost, they’d be forced to watch full episodes of the fall season of new NBC shows.
2. Bob Costas has been juicing himself with the blood of Dick Clark to achieve his eternally youthful appearance.
3. The dressage competition was fixed. Some of the horses ‘threw’ their performances for extra apples and the promise of new Nike Air horseshoes.
4. The United States of America topped China in the total medal count. In retaliation, China has jacked-up the vig on our debt to it.
5. Eighteen horses drowned in water polo competition.
6. These Games set a record for comically large “WE’RE #1” foam finger sales and bangers and mash served in plastic Beefeater hats.
7. The International Olympic Committee is suing Tomlinson Pest Control of Oil City, Pennsylvania for advertising itself as “The Olympic Champion of Rodent Killing.”
Embarrassment, shame and humiliation were back in the saddle again in ’72 Games
As The Games of The XXX Olympiad get underway in the London, The Lint Screen is proud to present a gold medal-worthy dose of Olympic Games trivia.
The Olympics were invented by Thomas Edison in 1892 as a way for his company, General Electric, to sell advertising time on its broadcast network called NBC. The first major sponsor was Dr. Genuflect’s Amazing Consumption, Diphtheria & Poliomyelitis Elixir. The company ran commercials with the famous slogan, “Take a spoonful or die.”
The 1896 Olympics ended tragically when all the athletes died of consumption.
In 1904, The Olympic Games were held in Rochester, New York. Jimmy “Legs” Killonry set a new world’s record running the first twelve minute mile. It is reported the crowd watching him had windburned faces after he passed by them.
Water was added to the 1912 Olympic Games held in Munich. Swimming events finally began to gain some popularity.
The 1924 Games held in Moscow are remember for the irresistible aroma of borscht that filled the air and a debilitating sense of gloom and dread that gripped all who attended.
History will never forget the 1936 Olympic Games held in Mexico City. Runner Jesse Owens from the U.S. beat Germany’s Adolf Hitler in all four races in which they competed. “He cheated,” claimed an enraged Hitler after the event. “He had more wind at his back and the ground was moving faster under his feet,” said a disgruntled Hitler as he kicked a brass spittoon across the floor and pouted. Many speculate this humiliating defeat led to WW II.
The 1960 Olympics held in Toronto are best remembered for its souvenirs. They were really cool with all kinds of pottery, cutlery and thimbles. Also, 12,432 new world records were set by an athlete from Mars named XOPLOWRQ ZAMBORDUK.
In 1972, embarrassment, shame and humiliation reigned o’er Chauncey Worthingshire IV when his Dressage gold medal was stripped upon the discovery that his horse was actually two men in a horse costume. “I thought I smelled cigar smoke,” the humiliated rider said. Both men within the suit smoked Cohibas. According to official Olympic rules, the men were taken to the glue factory and slaughtered.
The 1984 games were held in Toronto and are best remembered for Irishman Egor Rasmonovich, who pole vaulted a pretty incredible 236′ 4″, a record that still stands.
In 1992, the Games were held in Fiji. The athletes unanimously voted not to compete and “to chill” instead. Although world peace was achieved for 16 days, these Games had some of the lowest TV viewership in history.
The 1997 Olympic Games introduced Donkey Kong as an event. The U.S.A. dominated the competition. Suck it, rest of world!
Chimbote, Peru’s 2004 Olympic Games saw the unbelievable act of gold medalist Yancy Hububabba from Sweden as he won the 200 metre freestyle swimming event without using his arms or legs. These Games also are remembered for the delicious corn dogs, candy apples, carmel corn and funnel cakes served.
In 2008, the Olympics were held in China. All athletes were outsourced to China to save money. Amazingly, China only won one gold, one silver and three bronze medals, all made in China.
Now you know. Astound your friends, challenge your enemies– you are truly an Olympics Trivia Gold Medalist!
