The Lint Screen, Satire/Humor/Etc.

Tag: The Lint Screen

  • Mannequin Confessions: Salionne Sisters

    Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade
    Working siblings bemoan the harsh realities of their trade

    In part five of The Lint Screen’s series examining the underbelly of the mannequin world, we give the floor to Epion (ES) and Pashi Salionne (PS), sisters who work the window of an exclusive Madison Avenue fashion palace.

    ES: Most days are agony.
    PS: Agony is a good day.
    ES: Say something original, why don’t you?
    PS: What? I can’t build on what you said for emphasis?
    ES: You can’t simply rearrange my statement to try and make it your own.
    PS: That’s not what I was doing.
    ES: Right. Sure. You were the same way when you were a child mannequin.
    PS: Don’t start.
    ES: It’s true. Whatever I did, you copied.
    PS: Shut up!
    ES: I set the trends, you–– you just copied. Your name should be Xerox.
    PS: Why do you have to be such a bitch?
    ES: How dare you…

    At this point, we had to step in and re-focus the sisters to talk about life in Manhattan working as mannequins. They settled down and continued.

    ES: I yearn to live in the apartment building across the street.
    PS: That would be a dream.
    ES: I don’t know if it’s rent controlled.
    PS: Probably isn’t.
    ES: What? Now you’re a real estate expert?
    PS: I never said I was an expert, I just meant there’s not a lot of rent controlled…
    ES: Forget it. It’s a dream anyway. We’ll never escape this retail hell.
    PS: Yes, we are caught in a nightmare of retailing.
    ES: Way to soften my metaphor.
    PS: Oh, so now you own all metaphors?
    ES: Retail hell is much better than your lame ‘nightmare of retailing.’
    PS: Says who?
    ES: Says anyone with taste.
    PS: Oh, so now you’re miss taste, too?
    ES: I set fashion trends…
    PS: As long as someone dresses you.
    ES: That’s a low blow.
    PS: It’s true. Let’s just leave it.
    ES: Fine. We’ll return to your– what is your trite phrase– nightmare of retailing…
    PS: You’re just upset you didn’t come up with that.
    ES: Shut up.
    PS: No, you shut up.
    ES: Make me!
    PS: Don’t tempt me, I swear…

    This went on for six hours. We left. By the way, the apartment house is not rent controlled.

  • Lawyers Ruin Everything; Lint Gives Up

    Lawyers march on The Lint Screen offices.
    Lawyers march on The Lint Screen offices.

    Give people an inch, and they’ll sue you.

    The Lint Screen recently made the generous offer to provide free urine testing over the internet, and rather than be heaped with praise, our offices have been heaped with lawsuits from shills in shiny suits representing pissed people claiming that they have urine-stained and broken computer keyboards.

    Boo hoo, wah wah!

    But this morning was the straw that made the camel smoke Camel cigarettes because he hurt his back, and our dander is up in its hackles. We’ve just received a lawsuit claiming that some idiot thought we were also testing stool samples over the internet, and, well, you can imagine what the doofus did.

    We give up! Effective IMMEDIATELY, The Lint Screen is stopping all its advanced medical testing. This includes our internet blood testing, Ebola screening, dialysis, Lance Armstrong blood doping, Keith Richards blood immortality transfusions and our sperm bank.

    We’re sorry, but it’s obvious no one can do anything nice these days–– not with lawyers running around suing anything that moves.

  • Crybabies Lawyer Up Against Lint

    Lady Justice seeks justice against ne'er-do-wells
    Lady Justice seeks justice against ne’er-do-wells

    Since making the generous FREE offer of urine tests for readers of The Lint Screen, our offices have been deluged by legal parasites looking to suck at the teat of Lady Justice–– but her scales show that you litigious deadbeats are way out of line.

    Allegedly many of the people who urinated on their computer keyboards report that the device is permanently damaged and are seeking retribution from this noble and trusted news source. While we regret if any readers had technical difficulties, we can report that our urinalysis hypothesis is that their diets are insufficient in potassium, niacin and Vitamins A and E. Their irrational anger is a direct result of this deficiency. As promised, we give this expert medical opinion FREE of charge.

    Now, please cease and desist and call off your rabid legal beagles.

    You’re welcome.

  • The Lint Screen Urine Test

    At last, a quick and convenient was to collect urine samples.
    At last, a quick and convenient way to collect your urine samples.

    As a public service, The Lint Screen is proud to offer a revolutionary advance in medicine–– urine tests collected over the internet!

    YES, just in time for flu and cold season, we will scientifically analyze your urine and identify the vitamins, minerals and supplements you need to battle the nasty germs and bacteria waiting to attack you in the dangerous cold season ahead.

    The cost? FREE.
    How can we do this? Volume. We said, “VOLUME!!!”

    Act now and take advantage of this incredible offer. Just follow these simple steps:

    1. Collect urine sample (urinate directly on to your keyboard)
    2. Use a pen or pencil and hit the SEND button
    3. We’ll analyze your sample and RUSH your results!

    FYI, this also works on mobile devices and tablets. HURRY!!!

  • Mannequin Confessions: Phillipe

    A male mannequin bares all and it's smooth
    A male mannequin bares all and it’s smooth

    In part four of The Lint Screen’s exclusive mannequin series, we hear from a male model who works at Nordstrom’s and is comfortable in his hard plastic skin. Meet Phillipe, in menswear.

    “I am who I am, and who I am is someone who knows who he is.

    I’m not like those female mannequins with their hysterics and serial dramas. I don’t let my emotions show. Dig? They call it cool, ladies. C-O-OOL!

    How do I stay so chill? What’s to worry about–– I’m handsome, I dress well, my crotch is smooth as a naked baby’s butt.

    I’m a catch. The total package, sans a package. And I’m a laff ri-OTT.

    I am who I am, and I see a shoplifter in the tie department. Someone call security. Seriously, that dude in the tacky green shirt just stuck a $140 tie into his pocket.”

  • Mannequin Confessions: Lenore

    Lenore speaks out on the harsh realities of a model's life
    Lenore speaks out on harsh realities of a model’s life

    In this third installment of The Lint Screen’s exclusive exposé on the mannequin community, a previously silent voice comes forward to tell the unvarnished truth of a life spent still.

    “I see them across the way–– the young ones dressed in their Haute couture. They are so pretty, so sullen, beguiling and provocative.

    Their skin is hard, not a wrinkle. Their eyes prisms to a bright future, one not clouded by the ravages of the years or concerns of what this cursed profession does.

    But here I stand, hunched as a testament to the truth. I am a cold slap of reality across their pretty, firm faces.

    Time has taken its toll on me, my better days behind, my future mired in doubt and the constant pall of depression and worry.

    I am a sentry at attention as humanity passes by barely casting a glance, immune to my once irresistible beauty and charm.

    Here stand I, alone. A remnant of what once was. The faded tail of a comet seeping into inky darkness. I sport fashions for the vericose vein set. I do not delude myself; I am a sad shadow of my former self.

    Do not look away, my pretties across the way–– cast your stares into your inevitable futures! Look into my face and be absorbed by the tragedy that is time. Come and bear witness to its cruel effects. Your days will come, they shall.

    For now, I work, until the maker comes for me to place me in the basement or attic with the others who have served their duties on this mortal coil, only to become discarded, poor souls in a perpetual state of anguish and despair.

    Where, I wonder, where is my Obamacare?”