Since making the generous FREE offer of urine tests for readers of The Lint Screen, our offices have been deluged by legal parasites looking to suck at the teat of Lady Justice–– but her scales show that you litigious deadbeats are way out of line.

Allegedly many of the people who urinated on their computer keyboards report that the device is permanently damaged and are seeking retribution from this noble and trusted news source. While we regret if any readers had technical difficulties, we can report that our urinalysis hypothesis is that their diets are insufficient in potassium, niacin and Vitamins A and E. Their irrational anger is a direct result of this deficiency. As promised, we give this expert medical opinion FREE of charge.

Now, please cease and desist and call off your rabid legal beagles.

You’re welcome.