Author: PD Scullin

West Middlesex, Pennsylvania, had a population of 863 people in the last census. Still, this small community on the PA-Ohio border is making a significant mark on the map as the first American town to get an arsenal of nuclear warheads.

“We need the extra firepower,” a local police officer who asked to remain anonymous told The Lint Screen. (Hint: his initials are R.F., and he drives a blue 2012 Mailbu and lives on Center Street in a white house with dark green shutters).

The cop took off his hat and placed his right hand over his eyes. He began speaking in a high-pitched voice as he repeatedly hit his adam’s apple with his left hand to disguise his voice.

“You never know what’s going to happen,” the mysterious man said. “Criminal elements could kick up some big trouble. I hear this Antifa is a problem in lots of places. Or, we could get an invasion from the Buckeye State next door. You don’t know what those crazy bastards over there could do once the Ohio State football season starts.”

The nuclear warheads are part of The Pentagon’s Excess Property Program that has supplied local police departments across the U.S. with more than $44.3 billion in military gear since 1997.

“Cops getting all this fancy war equipment is great,” said the unnamed officer. “Since we’ve gotten the Humvees, bazookas, and rocket launchers, shoplifting here has dropped over 80%. We still haven’t been able to catch ‘Stretch’ Kolirew red-handed, but when we do, he better watch his back because when we get done with him, it might just end up in West Virginia.”

The mystery cop laughs. “It’s like the Boy Scouts say, ‘be prepared.’ But I’ll just bet you those scouts would like a flamethrower or tank to back up those words.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Almighty God doesn’t usually give interviews. He lets his actions and “natural disasters” speak. But last night, He reached out to The Lint Screen in an exclusive interview.

“I’m a pretty mellow Guy,” God said. “But I’ve had My fill of that horse’s ass Donald Trump. What kind of sadistic bastard orders cops and troops to shoot rubber bullets, tear gas, and explosive caps on his own citizens who are peacefully protesting? And why? So he can march across the street and hold My Good Book upside down for a photo op. Disgraceful. He’s never read any book, let alone The Good Book. What a joke.”

One could easily hear the disappointment in the Creator’s booming baritone voice.”Only an idiot would buy Trump’s religious act,” God said. “The man doesn’t have a shred of moral fiber. He has no character. He never has. The guy’s a two-bit con man through and through. The prick’s an adulterer, liar, cheat, and crook. His behavior says it all–– Trump has anti-social personality disorders and extreme narcissism. Him a Christian–– what a crock. He lusts after his daughter! What a blasphemer.”

The Supreme Being sighs in disgust.

“It sickens Me that he tries to wrap himself in My cloak of divinity. Trump only cares about himself. Look at what I gave him–– he was born with a gold spoon in his mouth, he was rounding third base at birth. And what’s he do? Screws up everything he touches and blows his daddy’s fortune because of his boneheaded mismanagement. Donald Trump’s a selfish, spoiled rotten brat. Look, a pretty merciful Guy, but he can go to hell for all I care. Leave Me out of this. I want no part of that asswipe.”

God excuses himself.

“Sorry, but I gotta run. We’re re-watching The Sopranos. I love that show.” God chuckles. “Trump makes Tony look like a level-headed guy. Later.”

And with that, the clouds came back together blocking the glaring sun, the heavenly call is done.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald Trump is disturbed by some of the images he has seen on cable news.

“It looks like some people are upset,” the president, sequestered in his fortified bunker deep beneath the White House, told The Lint Screen. “I don’t know how anyone could be unhappy. I’ve been doing a great job on the pandemic, and I signed a bunch of $1200 checks to bail people out. You would think everyone would be thanking me–– but I guess there’s no pleasing some people.”

Despite all he has done in making America great again, he has seen the news reports of people protesting and rioting all across his country.

“I don’t get it,” he says with a shrug. “They say some people think there’s a problem with cops busting black people. I’ve told the police it’s okay to rough up criminals, got to teach them a lesson. But maybe a bad apple or two in the police department have spoiled it for everyone else. Whatever it is, these protesters seem pretty upset about something, so I’m going to fix it.“

True to his word, the president has charged his son-in-law Jared Kushner with solving race relations in America.

“Jared’s an incredible guy,” the prez boasted. “He was smart enough to marry my gorgeous daughter, he beat me to the punch on that,” the portly man says with a chuckle and wink. “And Jared brought peace to the Middle East; no one thought it could be done. He made opioid addiction in the U.S. disappear, he’s been a pandemic all-star, and has always done a tremendous job with everything. I call him my personal ‘Mr. Fix It’ because that’s what he does–– fixes issues. Here he comes now.”

The lanky young man enters the bunker dressed in a $4,000 Dolce and Gabbana tailored suit and a $250 Gucci tie. He moves like a marionette as he approaches and sits with us to talk about his plan to settle the country.

“I think I understand where my black brothers and sisters are coming from,” he says with a nervous smile. “They do not feel as if they are getting a fair shake with the fuzz. I can dig that, man,” he says, as he gives a thumbs-up sign. “I will call a black leader and ask him to, ‘Chill, dude. It’ll all be cool, my man. Word.’ And that should settle things down quickly.”

This reporter asked why he doesn’t just go out into the streets and talk directly with protest leaders, and Kushner bristles.

“I’ve got a lot on my plate,” he says. “I think a phone call will do the trick.” His father-in-law nudges him.

“And, Jared, don’t forget to tell the blacks to vote Trump in November,” the prez says. “What have they got to lose?”

That MAGA train keeps on a-rollin’!

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Trump loves America, and he is disappointed medical science has failed its citizens.

“All these so-called experts are big phonies,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I listened to Dr. Fauci and all his stupid eggheads. And what happened? Now we have over 100,000 Americans dead. Well, that’s on them, not me. Obama, too. I accept no responsibility for their mistakes.”

The president has decided to take a new tack in the war on “the pandemic hoax”–– to rely on what has performed miracles in the past–– himself!

“I have been an incredibly successful businessman,” he crowed. “All my life, I’ve had the Midas touch. I’m worth over $140 billion. I had the best ratings in TV history on The Apprentice. No one has ever seen the kind of numbers I got. Viewers loved me.”

And he rode his juggernaut of fame all the way into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“No one thought I could win the presidency, but I had over 94% of the popular vote, and I got 1,000 electoral college votes.” He beams with pride. “No one’s ever seen such a huge landslide. No wonder I had the largest inauguration crowd ever. It made Obama’s look like a Tupperware party.”

His eyes glaze as the portly president fondly recalls his past accomplishments, then, he snaps to attention.

“And how did I do all those amazing things?” he asks. “I’ll tell you. My brain and gut. And that’s what I’m going to use to keep Americans healthy.”

He announced he will ignore all medical science. “We tried that, and it was a disaster. Horrible. From now on, I’m going to use my massive brain and great gut instinct.”

Mike Pence nods his head in agreement.

“Great idea, boss–– I mean, your excellency,” the veep chirps, as he drops to his knees and begins tongue lashing Trump’s wingtips.

“Not now, Mike.” Trump gives Pence a hard kick in his skull. The milquetoast man yelps as he scampers out the door. Trump continues.

“I want all Americans to know I am going to fight for them,” Trump says. “I’ve talked to Franklin Graham, Mike Huckabee, and a lot of the other Jesus kook Bible thumpers, and they’re going to say a bunch of prayers for the pandemic to go away. And I’m confident it will. The coronavirus will miraculously disappear, just like I predicted.”

Trump pumps his chest out as his belly oozes over his belt.

“My brains and gut,” the morbidly obese man says as he points to his head and stomach. “That’s what’s going to save America.”

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

This Memorial Day weekend, as COVID-19 ravages America, and people remember fallen heroes and those who bravely fought for our freedom, President Donald J. Trump grappled with his troubles–– the one that might have been.

Trump, who made America great again and has been its great protector during the global pandemic, took a well-earned break and visited his golf club in Sterling, Virginia.

“The fake news didn’t like it,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “But I’ve been working overtime for months. I have blisters on both my thumbs from Tweeting, and I swear I’m getting carpal tunnel from working the TV remote. No president has ever worked harder than me. None!”

So, the commander-in-chief played golf to recharge his batteries and experienced the kind of unimaginable heartbreak few Americans will ever know. 

“I was teeing up on the 14th,” he recalls. “It’s a beautiful hole. It might be the greatest, toughest hole in golf. It’s 142-yards into the wind. I grabbed my 7-iron, took a nice easy swing, and launched a missile right at the flag. The ball hit five yards short, took a big bounce, hit the flagstick and landed eight feet from the cup. I almost had a hole-in-one–– would have been my second one. I don’t think Washington or Lincoln had any holes-in-one. They were lousy golfers. Horrible presidents.”

Tears began welling in his steely blues as he recalls with agony the fleeting memory of what might have been.

“I was so close,” he says with his hands almost touching each other. “It chokes me up even thinking about it. I’ll never forget the tremendous heartbreak of that shot. It was absolutely devastating.”

Trump takes a deep inhale and shakes it off, coming back to his usual chipper self.

“But I guess that’s what Memorial Day is all about, right? Great memories. That incredible shot of mine is a memory that will stay with me for a long, long time. I was so close.”

Trump shrugs. “I gave myself a hole-in-one anyway. I think that’s what the golf gods would have wanted. I played a pretty great round. Shot my age–– 52. Not bad.”

He winks and wobbles away.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.