The veep boldly goes where no man has gone before, sort of.
Mike Pence is the perfect second banana, a loving, loyal lapdog eager to please his master and lick his face. The V.P. ‘took the con’ on Thursday and announced the sixth branch of the U.S. military, Space Force.
“High above the clouds and below heaven, there is a place called space,” Pence declared. “Because space is dark, Space Force soldiers will need flashlights. Big ones. The kind with six or eight size D batteries. And since there may be bad guys in space, Space Forcers will need guns, lots of guns. White hats, too. They’ll need megaphones, too, since they say in space no one can hear you scream. We’re investigating what size batteries megaphones use.”
Pence appeared confident as he made this special announcement for President Trump who was on vacation. Pence had swagger, like Barney Fife showing the bullet he keeps in his shirt pocket to Goober, Emmett, and Floyd the barber.
“This administration believes Space Force soldiers need to look their absolute best,” Pence told The Lint Screen. “To make sure that happens, we have hired the best designer in the universe. I’m excited to announce that Space Force uniforms will be designed by the one, the only–– Ivanka, from the prestigious House of Ivanka. And to house Space Force on the moon, plans are being drawn for a Lunar Trump Tower to be constructed soon. The luxurious property will be surrounded by a big, beautiful wall to keep aliens out. A wall that will be paid for by Mexico.”
Pence began getting teary-eyed. “Space Force will make our glorious leader happy. And that makes me happy, too.” Pence sobbed quietly, regained his composure and continued.
The mysterious organization is opened up like a tin of tuna.
“The Storm” is brewing and its name begins with Q.
QAnon, a group of fanatics who see scary monsters in every shadow, is now out in the open and nervously sweating. The Lint Screen does a deep dive into this mysterious organization so you’ll be informed, aware, and paranoid.
“Q” is the handle of a senior member of the deep state who is peeling back the shrouds of secrecy that have engulfed Washington, DC for centuries. Q is rumored to be John F. Kennedy Jr. (who faked his death to avoid telemarketers and Ted Cruz’s father “The JFK Slayer”), or, Gene Rayburn, the ex-game show host who allegedly died in 1999 while fluffing his pillow. Whoever he is, Q leaves clues or “breadcrumbs” for his followers, and like Hansel and Gretel, they safely journey further into the dangerous dark forest.
Here are some breadcrumbs from Q––
The Rothschild family controls everything. If something terrible happens, The Rothschild gang was behind it. Even broken shoelaces and 9-11. They are also the reason you never get the winning lottery ticket–– they own them all! The fix is in.
Hillary Clinton is a secret Russian agent who is a sex slave of Justin Trudeau and now leads a pedophile ring for her sleazeball husband and the cast of Full House.
Since George Washington, every president has hated America with a vengeance and worked to shatter democracy and enslave their constituents. Their end goal is to have a nation of hemp farmers working the fields while they sip tea on the veranda of the big house and giggle.
If someone orders pizza, that person is a pedophile. Pizza and pedophilia go together naturally. It’s the real reason Papa John got canned.
Queen Elizabeth is a cannibal who ate the remains of Princess Di. When she wears The Crown, she has superhuman powers like an excellent credit rating, juggling chainsaws, and killer laser beam eyes. She also secretly records angry rap music in her Buckingham Palace sound studio. She is looking into opening a Soundcloud account to get more exposure.
The Pope is an Islamic terrorist. Or, possibly a liberal Methodist.
The Illuminati rule the world through dry cleaning shops, using chemicals that brainwash patrons when they wear their freshly pressed clothes, resulting in zombie-like behavior–– paying too much for cable, using fluorinated toothpaste, recycling plastic.
Hillary’s pal Huma Abedin, the ex-wife of Anthony Weiner (a master of Photoshop), does not like Chick-fil-A. She is a bad actor.
George Soros is the bastard child of Adolf Hitler and Gloria Swanson. Soros wants to take over the world to torture all humanity. He also dreams of competing on So You Think You Can Dance.
Morning Joe and Mika murdered Antonin Scalia in cold blood.
Colin Kaepernick brings a patch of Astroturf with him when he attends church, but he refuses to kneel on it because the service only plays hymns.
Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are secretly married and in the basement of their home in Burlington, Vermont, they are breeding adult radical socialist children.
Obama kills puppies for fun and says he enjoys hearing “their last little innocent yelps” because he never had a dog in his Kenyan youth where he plotted the destruction of America.
Chuck Todd has accumulated over $22,312,000 in overdue library fines and is in the pocket of “big book” interests.
Climate change is a liberal plot to make humans sweat profusely and boost business for the HVAC trade.
Kim Jong Un‘s real name is Chet (“Axman”) McGuillicutty, and he played cornerback for the University of Virginia. He mostly rode the bench due to his lack of athleticism. Because of his lackluster collegiate career, Kim Jong Un wants to nuke the world “for payback and to get the attention of the hot cheerleaders.”
With all these horrific dangers underway, QAnon members take solace in the fact Donald J. Trump is the leader of the free world and will wipe out evil like Mr. Clean on an amphetamine and espresso jag.
Q gives his followers hope with these optimistic insights:
God put Trump in office because He knew DJT was the man for the job (and Jesus was busy). The Donald is an upright and righteous citizen fully aware of all the darkness around him and will strike when the time is right and slay all the snakes, leading true believers to the promised land of an America made great again. Either that, or he’ll post some vicious Tweets and take down his enemies.
Trump packs a luger in his bulky suit jacket and will dispatch “justice” at a moment’s notice to save humanity. When you see The Donald crossing his arms, know that he is preparing for the worst, always.
The Trumpster relies on truth tellers like Alex Jones and Sean Hannity. These trustworthy men are beacons of glorious illuminating light in the dark, dark world of fake news and pharmaceutical commercials. Jones, Hannity, and Fox and Friends proclaim the truth narrative–– the gospel upon which we all can believe and have implicit faith.
Trump communicates directly to QAnon members by making references in his speeches to the number 17 (the letter Q is about the seventeenth one in the alphabet). Witness these quotes from recent DJT rally speeches––
“I am doing a great job. Some say the job I’m doing is seventeen times greater than any other president. Seventeen!”
“She was just seventeen if you know what I mean.”
“Chant ‘lock her up’ seventeen times.”
“When I was seventeen, it was a very good year.”
“Q, if you’re listening–– SEVENTEEN! Seventeen, what a number. Seventeen.”
Sleep well, America. Q and DJT will help you get your peaceful Zs.
Rudy Giuliani, President Donald J. Trump’s TV attorney, came to The Lint Screen offices and clarified some of the confused narratives about his client. He had aides set up a podium and bank of microphones and began making his case.
“The president definitely knew about Don junior’s meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower before it happened,” Giuliani said. “But I’m not saying there ever was a meeting in Trump Tower. A lot of reporters have been asking me about this alleged Trump Tower meeting, which there probably definitely wasn’t. But even if there was a meeting and the president knew about it and he conspired with the Russians and laundered money for them and helped them influence our election in his favor so he’d win and be Putin’s puppet, it’s not a big deal–– collusion is not a crime. Stealing a Snickers, that’s a crime. Killing a nun in Times Square, that’s a crime. But not collusion. It’s a total witch hunt. Collusion’s not a crime and never has been. But there was no collusion if there was collusion, which there wasn’t. And what if there collusion?! No crime. It’s crystal clear, right?”
The Lint Screen editorial staff asked for clarification.
Giuliani paused. “Look, let’s not play the gotcha game here. The president has never wavered in his statements. There was no collusion, and the president has always said Michael Cohen is Satan–– he’s the worst scumbag in history and a pathological liar. He barely knew Cohen, and the president never trusted him. The president has always said Comey is a traitor, an Obama mole working for Kenya, and he’s a mass murderer. Our commander-in-chief also said Crooked Hillary eats infants, had Mother Teresa killed for funsies and buys pizza for her pedophile pals, and that the Democrats want immigrants to take all our good jobs, rape our women, and get our kids to smoke reefer cigarettes and loiter at the soda shop thumbing magazines they’ll never buy. Donald J. Trump has always told it like it is. The American people need to understand that the president will always protect them no matter what.”
The ex-mayor laughed. “It’s funny how the fake news media is trying to stop the president from making America great again. They report on things he says as if people are supposed to take him literally. Let me tell you this. Our president is a man of his word, one hundred percent. Donald J. Trump is the most honest man I know. And if you read or hear something that doesn’t sound like truth, don’t believe it because it’s just the fake news media trying to bring the president down. They can’t stand a guy as trustworthy and honest as him. Someone who has dedicated his life to helping others, doing the right thing, and doing the work of Jesus until he returns again and takes us all to our heavenly home. It could be any day now. We’ll see. We’ll see. And if people do hear or see things they don’t believe or like about the president, remember this–– hypothetically speaking, there is no reality. So people should have faith that if there were a reality, Donald J. Trump will take care of them and keep them safe. That’s all I’m saying if I even exist.”
The president called The Lint Screen today to air some grievances.
“Everyone is overreacting to my statements in Helsinki,” Donald J. Trump blasted over the phone. “They are going crazy about a statement I made that they didn’t like. They say it sounded like I didn’t support our intelligence agencies and they claim that I trust Putin more than our own government. It’s all fake news, people. If there was meddling, and who knows if there really was, who knows–– it could have been Russia or anyone else in the world. There are a whole lot of people in the world, believe me. More people than you can imagine. And they’re all suspects. And what about Hillary’s server? Where was it? The statement I made in Helsinki was not what I meant to say. It was the wrong word for what I wanted to say and it’s the fault of the English language. A very poor language. Teresa May should be blamed, it’s her country that invented the stupid English language. Words failed me horribly and that’s very unfair to a stable genius like me.”
We asked him what he talked about with Putin during his two-hour meeting.
“We had a terrific talk, very productive. It was the best talk ever between our nations, everyone says so. We exchanged nuclear codes. I’ll bet you didn’t know the Russian nuclear code is 1…2…3. But it is. Our nuclear codes are much better, they’re more complicated. Putin said he really liked our nuclear codes and he really likes me and thinks I’m doing a great job. He is very strong and powerful and smart–– a great leader like me. He said Russia did not interfere with our elections and I believe him because he was very sincere. I trust him completely. He agrees with me that Mueller is on the biggest witch hunt in history. Very unfair. He said there was no collusion. No collusion! And Putin offered to help us look into the alleged Russian hackers. That’s very kind, an incredible offer. I told him he could send a dozen or so of his best people and we’ll get them offices in the White House and the Pentagon. That made him very happy. He made me a secret agent and gave me a special badge to wear whenever I am in important meetings. I have a badge! We really got along, me and Putin, which is good for America. Before me, the U.S. was ready to get into nuclear wars with both Russia and North Korea. Everyone was terrified. But thanks to my incredible negotiating skills, Kim and Putin are on our side and promised they’d eliminate their nuclear stockpiles. I’m bringing world peace. I have a badge–– I am the sheriff of world peace. That should get me a Nobel Peace Prize. The fake news hates what a great job I’m doing.”
“You’ve got to give Putin round one,” a diplomatic observer told The Lint Screen. “He totally owned the Trumpster with the joy buzzer gag. But Trump did a good job of concealing his surprise. He bit his cheek and took it like a man. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the Putinator doesn’t get Trump again with a whoopee cushion, fake dog poop, plastic vomit or even a concealed fart machine. Putin just plays at a whole other level than Trump. He’s a master.”
Prior to their meeting, Trump trashed talked his own country. “The United States has been a complete disaster with its Russia relations. We have been suspicious of them, and frankly, they seem like really good people. It’s disgraceful. Mother Russia is perhaps the greatest nation on Earth and we should all bow to her everlasting glory.”
Diplomats were shocked by the U.S. president. “It’s like Trump is going into these talks waving a white flag.”
Members of Team Trump vehemently disagreed. “The president is calling it like he sees it,” said national security advisor John Bolton. “If the president is going to make America great again, we have to improve our relationship with Russia and get along with Putin. He is our overlord, let’s admit that and move on.”
Trump and Putin then met for two hours of secret talks with only their translators as witnesses.
UPDATE: The two translators who were in the Trump-Putin Helsinki summit meeting died of mysterious causes. “It was probably poor diets,” said president Trump. “It’s sad. Very sad. But, life goes on.”
When two leaders from nuclear superpowers meet, it’s news. When there is no one there to bear witness, it’s like all the trees have fallen in the forest and our hearing aids are cranked to 11.
Through diligent investigative journalism (and forking over some Four Roses Bourbon and a couple of joints), The Lint Screen has obtained the official ‘discussion topics’ for President Trump when he meets with the beady-eyed ruthless Ruski bastard.
(Excuse me, the doorbell rang, and there’s a delivery. Hey, look–– it’s a powder from Russia. A body talc, perhaps? Let me open it. It smells kind of funny. Ewwwwww, I don’t feel so good…)
EDITOR’S NOTE: The brave, dim-witted reporter rubbed the mysterious Russian powder all over his body, then up and died like Bojangle’s dog. To meet our deadline, this hard scrapple newsman will now detail the list of topics Trump will discuss with Putin. Someone’s got to win Pulitzers around here!
THINGS TO TALK ABOUT WITH POOTIE
Do you think I’m the greatest president ever? Many people are saying that–– I’m just wondering if you agree.
I heard you invaded Georgia. Do you have any plans on invading Alabama? South Carolina?
You’re my friend, right?
That Kim Jong-Un is a bit of a nutcase. Do you think he likes me? I said he was very smart and talented, so he should like me, right?
If I help Russia, can we build a Trump Tower next to the Kremlin? That’s prime real estate. It would do very good business, I’m sure.
Did you hear about my Supreme Court pick? I was very presidential. Everyone says so. I was very impressive. Did an outstanding job.
Europe and Canada are bad–– am I right? And Merkel, she’s like maybe a 2, if that. Very poor leader, not camera ready.
Would you like a DVD collection of my years on “The Apprentice”? I was the best. I think you’d like it. I had a catch phrase. I won’t tell you what it was; you’ll have to watch to find out. That’s called a cliffhanger…
Do you think Ivanka’s a hottie? I do. An incredible woman, very beautiful.
Can we go and ride horses with no shirts on? It will make an excellent photo op. I’ve been dieting, looking good.
You didn’t meddle in the 2016 elections, right? I told everyone that you never would do that. I said they were stupid to suspect you, but they wanted me to ask anyway. The investigation is the worst witch hunt in history, believe me.
About that tape of the Russian girls and me, can I get it back and will you destroy all the copies? Please?
