Ol’ Glory has had it. The Stars and Stripes have hired Atty. Michael Avenatti and filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump. Avenatti also represents adult film star Stormy Daniels in a lawsuit against Trump.
“It’s outrageous how the president gropes and slobbers over the American flag,” Avenatti told The Lint Screen. “Betsy Ross didn’t prick herself with needles sewing our flag to have that prick assault her honor and glory. It’s disgusting. Who the hell knows where Trump’s tiny hands have been? And he needs to keep his crotch to himself and quit grinding on defenseless national symbols of freedom and liberty.”
“This lawsuit is completely frivolous,” White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. She then read from a prepared statement. “The president represents the American flag and all it stands for and he is loyal and committed to it, like a wife. So, he’s earned the right to have an intimate relationship with Ol’ Glory. After all, this is America! And besides, she keeps teasing him by waving.”
Sanders looked up from her podium. “Anyone have a snack, a sandwich or something? I can’t buy a meal in this town and I’m starved.”
Bill Shatner will head Space Force in keeping America safe.
Boldly going where no president has gone before, Donald J. Trump has created an idea even bigger than coining the incredibly clever nickname ‘Wacky Jacky’–– he has started Space Force!
“It had to happen,” a White House spokesman said. “There are just too many illegal aliens coming to America and our big beautiful wall won’t be tall enough to keep them out. Space Force will protect our borders.”
The Lint Screen has learned that actor William Shatner will head the Space Force program. Shatner, most famous for his role in the hit TV series T.J. Hooker, is reported to be such a big fan of our galaxy that he has it loaded into his Google Maps and has marked it a “favorite.”
“Space Force is going to help make America great again,” the spokesman said. “And once we conquer space, we may even send a man to the moon. All we have to do is find a flashlight big enough to strap on the front of the spaceship. That outer space gets wicked dark, you know.”
The first lady brings fashion and lots o’ heart to the border.
Snowflakes are melting over the border crisis of illegal immigrant children being separated from their parents and scattered across America.
2,300 children are MIA. But not for long!
In a decisive and brave move, first lady Melania Trump took to her Batplane and flew to McAllen, Texas.
The high fashion former model sported an exclusive $39 designer jacket with the message: I DON’T CARE DO U?
Apparently, her FU jacket was at the cleaners.
Sources close to FLOTUS report she is furious that “some cruel and idiotic bonehead” decreed that kids get taken from their parents.
“The first lady is determined to get to the bottom of this problem,” the anonymous source told The Lint Screen. “But first she said she simply must get her nails done–– she says they are positively atrocious and she’s tired of suffering with them. ”
No worries, America, becoming great again is right around the corner.
The big man called The Lint Screen today for some exclusive quotes about the recent brouhaha at the border.
“I had to do something,” the prez said, “the evil Democrats were stealing crying babies from their parents and locking them up. I’m sure Nancy Pelosi and Crooked Hillary were going to dip the poor kids in vats of hot oil. Then, Chuck Schumer would stick the crispy little buggers with sharp spears. That’s not right. That’s bad. Very bad. And frankly, it’s not very American.”
Trump cracked open a Diet Coke and continued.
“This was a big problem, separating parents from their kids, even if the parents are illegals and probably rapists and murders or members of MS-13. But the kids? The kids are probably pretty innocent. I mean, most of the kids probably are. Maybe not all of them, but most of them are fine. Good kids. Maybe a little criminal, stealing things, lighting fires, making bombs. There’s always some bad apples. Anyway, I couldn’t stand by and watch the Democrats rip innocent babies away from their criminal families. So, I took action. That’s what I do. I’m very good at taking action. I’m like a presidential action figure. Much better than Obama, everyone says so. And I was incredible on ‘The Apprentice’–– did an amazing job. Much, much better than Schwarzenegger.”
Trump could be heard patting himself on the back.
“So I went to Congress, and I said don’t take these kids from their parents. I told the lawmakers they had to fix this problem. They need to get the money to build my wall. The wall will solve everything. A big, beautiful wall will keep illegal parents and their kids out. That will protect them from the horrible Democrats. And since over 2,000 kids are still missing, I told the dairy companies to put all their faces on milk cartons. That always works. We’ll find them. I know we will. I love children. I’m a very loving man, everyone says so.”
When Kimmie met Donnie, the world held its breath and mumbled prayers.
And it came to pass that the glorious two met, the brothers in nuclear arms. The Lint Screen was there with this transcript from the first face-to-face conservation between Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un.
DT: Hello, Kimmie. I call you Kimmie because you are my friend.
DT: Kimmie, I’m sure we’re going to have tremendous chemistry and forge an incredible relationship. We’ll have amazing talks. The best talks.
KJ: Absolutely. For sure. Dude.
DT: We are two of the world’s greatest leaders. Ever. Much better than Justin Trudeau. He’s dishonest.
KJ: Weak.
DT: Lots of people think I’ll win a Nobel Prize for meeting you and bringing about peace in the world.
KJ: I will win NBA Championship.
DT: Done. You’ve won it. I will invite you and Dennis Rodman to the White House. Not the Golden State Warriors. They’re very unAmerican. I’ll deport Steph Curry.
A hide ‘n seek champ wonders about the first lady.
Waldo Creedendamp is the world’s foremost expert on blending in and becoming invisible, and even he is curious to know the whereabouts of first lady Melania Trump.
“It’s like she’s vanished from the Earth,” Waldo told The Lint Screen as he paged through an Orvis catalog of plaid shirts.
Waldo, a hide ‘n seek champion for over thirty years, said he is “worried sick” about her. “I know all the best hiding places, and I haven’t seen her anywhere.”
Melania was last seen on May 10, four days before she allegedly received kidney surgery. Although one person reported seeing Ms. Trump last week in the White House, the sighting was suspect since the president’s third wife was supposedly using a knife to etch “Melania & Donald 4Ever” into the oval office desk (it is common knowledge that the first lady prefers guns to knives– and guns are lousy for carving into wood).
Waldo and many others are also suspicious of the recent tweet made by Melania that read, “I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!” The conspiracy crowd thinks that the voice of the tweet sounds more like the president than the first lady.
“That’s poppycock!” White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “In fact, I have another tweet Melania just wrote this morning. It reads, ‘I am healthy. Very healthy. Tremendously healthy & very well & thankful that I am married to the greatest leader in history. An incredible leader who acts very presidential & is the victim of the biggest WITCH HUNT ever!!! Everyone is calling it SPYGATE. Horrible! Crooked Hillary, the fake news media, and unAmerican Dems are ruining our country!! #MAGA But I, Melania Trump, am healthy & love my husband VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!! No collusion.‘” Sanders look up and glared at Waldo. “That should settle it once and for all.”
She crossed her arms and pouted dramatically.
“I don’t know,” Waldo said, shaking his head from side to side. “That tweet just doesn’t sound like Melania to me.”
“Shut up, twerp, and get lost,” Sanders shouted at him.
