Category: Humor

If there’s one thing Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi hates, it’s you.

“I can’t stand America,” Pelosi told The Lint Screen. “The only thing I hate more is Americans. Especially the patriotic ones.”

Indeed. The pixie of a woman is hellbent on the destruction of our great God-loving, flag-waving, MAGA hat-wearing nation.

“Trump keeps talking about his border wall. He’s never going to get it, not as long as I’m drawing breath,” Pelosi said while snapping the necks of adorable infants. “I could care less about those people affected by the government shutdown, there will be no big beautiful border wall for Trump!” Pelosi spat on the ground, chugged from her bottle of Southern Comfort and placed a plug of chewing tobacco in her right cheek before continuing.

“Democrats want open borders for caravans of rapists, drug smugglers, murderers, terrorists, kids with bad attitudes who need a good talking to so that they’ll straighten up and fly right, and devil worshippers. A wall is a trusted and proven technology for keeping people out. Nothing can get past a wall! Look at China–– it’s nothing but Chinese people thanks to their wall! Walls do for security what wheels do for mobility. And we can’t keep criminals out–– not when I make a ton of money by letting them in.”

Pelosi said she operates a “coyote” operation that charges illegals bags of cash to make it safely into America. “It’s a ruse I’ve been running out of the House for years.”

But that’s not all! Pelosi is also palsies with Pootie.

“Putin and I are thick as thieves,” Pelosi said as she petted “Ralphie” her pet rat. “I’ve met with the Vladinator five times and we’ve talked for hours, alone. Just me and the big man. What did we talk about? Just never you mind. None of your bee’s wax. See if you can find one shred of evidence about anything we said–– I dare you! You won’t. There’s no record and if there was, I destroyed it.”

The Speaker also likes to take advantage of her position of power. “I have hundreds of Air BnBs nationwide,” she said, “and lobbyists and foreign countries know they’d better book with me if they want to get America’s business. I charge them a buttload for the privilege. You scratch my back, I’ll take the scratch from your wallet. Easy peasy!”

She can’t stand the freedom of the press. “It’s too much,” she said. “Saudi Arabia Prince Mohammed bin Salman had the right idea. You want to have a free press, be prepared to pay the price.”

Pelosi considers Trump an enemy. “He is doing an incredible job of running the country, I have to do everything I can to try and trip him–– like Mueller’s witch hunt! The Republicans have proven they only care about the little guy and the middle class. Look at that huge tax cut they delivered last year. That money went straight into the pockets of Joe Sixpack and Jane Lunchbox. How are Democrats supposed to fight that?”

The petite woman finished chugging her SoCo and hurled the empty bottle at the wall smashing it. “Trump is a natural born leader. He’s smart, mature, empathetic, compassionate, has flawless integrity and high morales. Donald Trump never got anything. He made his own way. He did it his way with brains and hard work. Hell, he was a millionaire at age eight! He makes Horatio Alger look like a slacker. Trump pulled himself up by the bootstraps and made himself the incredible success he is today. The guy’s an American success story in orange pudgy flesh. I envy him. He makes me want to cut his Achilles tendons with a rusty linoleum knife.”

Pelosi’s eye rolled back into her skull. She sat up. “Mama needs her a fix,” she told this reporter. “Hand me your belt and skedaddle. Time for me to ride Satan’s horse!”

President Trump’s personal legal beagle, Rudy Giuliani stopped by The Lint Screen offices this morning to clarify statements he made to CNN yesterday.

“It’s outrageous how the lamestream liberal media is putting words in my mouth,” Rudy screamed, flashing his million-dollar smile and exuding studliness. “The president has never changed his position. Of course, some people in the Trump campaign colluded with the Russians. Why not, who doesn’t? We’ve never denied that. I’ve been saying for a long time that some people were probably colluding–– but how could we possibly know? Are we God?” The legal mastermind shrugged his manly shoulders and trained his beautiful brown babies on his listeners. He continued making his bulletproof case.

“But the president himself has never colluded with the Russians. Never. Never, ever, ever! Period. Full stop. The end! And even if he did collude with the Russians, it wouldn’t be illegal because he knew he was going to be elected president, and everyone knows that if the president does it, it is by definition legal. That’s called The Presidential Privilege Law. Look it up! I’m dead serious here–– I’m a really good lawyer, dammit!”

Giuliani pounded the desk. “Damn, that hurts!” The beefcake rubbed his seductive paw and grimaced his Hollywood handsome face. “I’ll sue you and this office furniture for assault and battery! Everyone is out to get me and the president! And if somehow someone finds that collusion with Russia is illegal, so what? Hypothetically speaking reality is questionable and the president does not exist. So how can he be guilty of anything? See, there is positively no case against the president.”

We asked the legal expert if he was concerned about the many investigations into the Trump campaign and the shady business practices of The Trump Organization.

“Absolutely not,” declared the bar association’s sexiest sex symbol as he tossed the luxurious locks on his head and gave a come-hither look.

“Mueller’s on a witch hunt. Congress is cooking up schemes to chase the president. We’re not worried. An innocent man never sweats. And Donald Trump is as dry as a cucumber on a Turkish towel under a tanning light.”

The hottie dabbed his damp face with his necktie sopping up sweat like he was thirsty cornbread in a puddle of red gravy. He did it in a devil-may-care manner, oozing manly pheromones.  Rudy wrung-out the tie and made his summation.

“The president is absolutely innocent. There was no collusion. Or, very little collusion. Maybe some collusion. Okay, perhaps a lot of collusion and Putin is calling all the shots. But for the last time, there’s nothing to see here. Case closed. Now let’s build that border wall and fix everything that’s wrong with America!”

Prez decides to serve beefy football players beef-like burgers

President Trump faced a difficult decision yesterday–– what to serve the college football champion Clemson Tigers during their White House celebration visit.

“The president has excellent taste,” political advisor Stephen Miller told The Lint Screen. “He originally wanted to expand the palates of the players with bowls of borscht, a beety bounty. Umm, who doesn’t like borscht? But he had a change of mind.”

Instead, Trump decided on serving a buffet of fast food burgers, fries, salads, and pizza.

“The White House kitchen is closed because of the government shutdown––which is the fault of the traitor Democrats,” Miller said. “So, our glorious leader took matters into his hands and ordered the delicious American food. He even paid for it with his very own money. American money! Obviously, the president loves America, and the Democrats do not.”

When the bills for the food arrived, the president offered to pay ten cents on the dollar. “It was great advertising,” said Miller. “He is a great leader.”