Category: Humor

“Jamal Khashoggi did indeed die in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul,” Abdullah Ahmad, a spokesperson for the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia told The Lint Screen. “But the circumstances around his unfortunate death are not what people suspect.”

According to Ahmad, when Khashoggi entered the Saudi consulate in Istanbul on August 2, his goal was simply to get some paperwork completed for his upcoming marriage.

“Everyone in the Kingdom was so happy for Jamal,” Ahmad said. “Weddings are such happy occasions, especially now that women can drive in Saudi Arabia thanks to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. It is very exciting. Remember–– ten o’clock, two o’clock, ladies!” Ahmad smiled, took a deep breath, and continued.

“To help Khashoggi celebrate, we took two jets from the Kingdom with 15 Saudi agents. We wanted to throw Jamal a bachelor party. He was a very popular guy, Jamal was, and no one in the royal family was upset by his extremely disloyal writings and criticisms. People are free to say and think what they like. We encourage free speech. But what Jamal was writing, well, it was all fake news.”

Ahmad mopped his brow with a silk handkerchief and wrung out a small puddle on the floor. “We all really liked Jamal Khashoggi, despite his dissident writings for the Bezos Washington Post. So, his 15 closest friends began his joyous bachelor party. It was such fun! Potato chips, dip, three kinds of Kool-Aid. I like Kool-Aid, do you like Kool-Aid?”

This reporter said he did like Kool-Aid. Ahmad smiled and continued.

“There was so much joy in our celebration, but Jamal looked very sad. He said, ‘I have been disloyal in writing my fake news and lies. I am a traitor to our nation and a deadly poison to the Kingdom.’ He then took out a sharp sword from his pants, and he beheaded himself. We looked on in horror and disbelief! So much blood! Then, Jamal dismembered himself quickly, placing his body pieces into plastic bags. He asked us to take his remains back to the Kingdom. Well, this was hardly the bachelor party we had envisioned. Not at all! It was very tragic.”

Abdullah Ahmad sobbed and blew his nose into his damp handkerchief.

“We have told Mike Pompeo and your great leader President Trump the details of this unfortunate event, and they said they understand completely–– some men just are not ready for marriage. I asked if we can resume the great relationship between our countries. Yes, they said. We’re all good.”

Ahmad smiled and rose from his seat. “I hope this clarifies the mystery surrounding the death of Jamal Khashoggi. Now, could you give me directions to the Trump hotel?”

The Lint Screen has decided after extensive and exhaustive research that the best human being to have ever graced the Earth is Saudi Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.

Our editorial staff believes he is a leader for the ages with his progressive ideas (women driving cars–– what a radical notion!!!) and his warm, welcoming compassion toward journalists.

Move over Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, Trebek, there’s a new kid in town who has all the answers, and brother, he is a humdinger of a swell fellow!

If you believe some people do not think Brett Kavanaugh is a dream Supreme Court Justice, dream again, silly goose!

A senior Trump administration official claims the alleged protesters against Kavanaugh are on the payroll of evil liberal kingpin George Soros.

“Don’t be duped, morons,” Stevie Granger, senior counsel to the president told The Lint Screen. “Every poll ever taken proves President Trump has an enthusiastic approval rating of between 98% and 100%. He received over 99% of the popular vote and won the entire electoral college. Trump had the largest inaugural crowd on record. People love our president, make no mistake about that. Yet, if you turn on the TV, you’ll see people protesting Kavanaugh or a decision our incredible leader has made to help make America great again. Who are these people protesting? I’ll tell you–– they’re paid stooges of Soros, that’s who! I wouldn’t be surprised if Soros wasn’t behind Mueller’s witch hunt. The man is Satan!”

When asked to point to the Trump approval polling he cited, Granger bristled. “I don’t have to prove anything here, and I won’t buckle to your socialist liberal mob mentality agenda of a fact-based reality.” Granger repeatedly slapped this reporter in the head for emphasis.

“Watch Fox News and learn something. Fox and Friends speak the total truth. Hannity knows the real score about enemies of the state. President Trump is incredibly popular, and this so-called resistance is a sham. A hoax. A complete con job masterminded by the Clintons.”

This reporter asked if there were any people legitimately opposed to Kavanaugh. “None. Not a one,” Granger said. “Men love him. Women adore him–– chicks dig guys who like beer. And innocent children pray for him. We’re truly blessed to have Brett Kavanaugh on the bench. It’s like God put him there to save us!” Granger shouted, peppering this reporter’s face with spittle (he had had ranch dressing for lunch, maybe creamy Italian). The Trumper regained his calm composure.

“It’s obvious those protesters are paid actors,” Granger said. He pointed to the picture of protesters.”Look at these signs–– there’s not one misspelled word. Not one! There’s proper grammar. Grammar, for God’s sake! Obviously, these signs are not made by real Americans. They are probably made in sweatshops in socialist countries. And I’ll bet dollars to donuts these signs were paid for by Soros. Look at the expressions on the faces in this crowd–– these people appear to be angry, upset, enraged. Why would anyone be angry about getting a fantastic judge like Kavanaugh? Get serious, those people are all paid actors. I suspect if you look close enough you’ll find George Clooney and Brad Pitt, maybe even Taylor Swift. It’s disgusting the crazed mob pack mentality of these liberals. They’re complete whack jobs.”

This reporter was about to ask another question when Granger raised his arm. “No more questions. They’re fake protesters. You’re fake news. Anything that is not pro-Trump is by definition fake!” He peppered this reporter with sharp kidney punches and slammed his head into the wall.

“Case closed, I’m tired of being a nice guy,” Granger said, as he exited.

U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham passed his audition for Attorney General last week at the Brett Kavanaugh hearings. He stopped by The Lint Screen offices to dispense some of his unique brand of chill.

Here are some of the insightful pearls the easy-going politician dispensed.

“It’s outrageous what passes for entertainment these days. Game of Thrones is a joke. Absolutely ridiculous. That stuff never happened. Dragons? Witches? Seriously?! What do you take me for, an idiot? It’s a big fat pack of lies. It’s all fake!”

“Judge Kavanaugh is a saint. Maybe the greatest man to ever walk the planet. Sorry, Jesus, but you’ll always be God to me. Brett Kavanaugh went to Yale for Pete’s sake! It’s outrageous anyone questions his past. It’s his future that matters and I want to see him spend the rest of his life on the Supreme Court bench giving his special brand of reasonable, cool-headed justice. Anyone who stands in the way of Judge Kavanaugh should know that you will be remembered. I’m making a list. And when we pass our enemies of the state legislation, every name on my list will be sent to the prison camps. Bank on it!”

“Missionary position, the best. The way God intended. Case closed. Glowing Triangle and The Bridge, sometimes, if you want something kinky.”

“Rosenstein, Mueller, all these guys in the Justice Department have got to go. You are not helping our leader make America great again, and so you are committing treason. I’ll say it again; you will be remembered on the list I’m making and you will pay the price for disobedience.”

“The rule of law is sacred. It’s what separates us from the animals. That, and our ability to shop online and fluff pillows before bedtime.”

“Peanut butter and jelly is the greatest sandwich ever. The greatest, the best bar none! Ham and cheese? Give me a break. It’s doo-doo. BLT? Get off your high horse and get real. BLTPBJ, maybe, but no to BLT–– absolutely not! PBJ all the way, that’s what I say. And so help me God, I’ll kill any man who says anything different. Stab them in the throat with my Pilot pen. I’m talking to you, Dick Durbin! Watch your butt, buddy, or you might bleed out on the Senate floor.”

“Integrity is the most important characteristic of any man. Anyone who says anything different should die a slow painful death. Integrity, always!”

“John McCain was a good friend. I loved him dearly and I miss him, but he never should have been captured in Viet Nam. I agree with President Trump, I like my heroes not to get captured. Sorry, John. And you were also disloyal to Trump. Big mistake, buddy. Rest in peace.”