Славный лидер Дональд Дж. Трамп был очищен от всех подозрений в 400-страничном докладе Мюллера.
НИКАКОГО РУССКОГО КОЛЛЮЗИЯ! НЕТ ЗАПРЕЩЕНИЯ СПРАВЕДЛИВОСТИ!
Его политические оппоненты, злые демократы, недовольны результатом.
Президент будет наказан за измену Соединенным Штатам Америки.
Всем привет, Славный Лидер !!!
Had Obama been president yesterday, Notre Dame Cathedral would be a pile of smoldering ashes today.
But fortunately, God gave us Donald J. Trump!
When Notre Dame Cathedral erupted in flames Monday, President Trump happened to be walking by a television set and saw live coverage of the tragedy.
“The president almost never watches TV,” press secretary Sarah Sanders told The Lint Screen. “He doesn’t have time for TV, he’s usually hard at work. Goodness knows he rarely relaxes or lollygags about.”
Trump was shocked by what he saw on the news.
“The big pretty church was on fire,” he said. “A lot of people don’t know this but fire is hot. Very, very hot. Fire bad. It can be hot and dangerous. I saw that the fire could destroy that beautiful building.”
So, the commander-in-chief of the USA rolled up his sleeves to save the jewel of France!
“I immediately sent a Tweet,” Trump said. “I said perhaps flying water tankers could put out the fire. You know, water has more uses than just drinking and taking showers–– it’s actually very good at extinguishing fires. Not many people know that. But you have to act fast because fire spreads like wildfire. Water can stop a fire if you act fast!”
Sure enough, Trump saw on TV that the French firefighters began using hoses pumping water to battle the flames engulfing Notre Dame.
“I’m glad the French people listened to me,” the American commander-in-fire chief said. “Notre Dame is a great place. They have a tremendous football team. But why did this tragedy happen? Why would God burn one of His own houses of worship? By the way, God is like Trump, very good at branding his buildings. I think God set the fire to send a message–– He doesn’t want the Democrats to see Trump’s tax returns. They’re not smart enough to understand them. The Democrats got God angry so he sent a burning cathedral instead of a burning bush as a message.”
The president took a deep breath, drank some water and continued.
“I also think God burning Notre Dame was His way of saying He didn’t like Mueller’s witch hunt. It was very unfair. But the Mueller report said there was absolutely no collusion no obstruction. None. So the Notre Dame fire is God’s way of saying the Democrats need to leave Trump alone. Let him get back to work making America great again. God is very smart and the American people would be smart to listen to Him. Let me do my job. Or else.”
Amen!
The Trump administration is firing on all cylinders. After the Mueller witch hunt declared the president completely innocent of any collusion or obstruction of justice, the Doninator is enjoying his victory lap.
But this party’s just getting started!
Now President Trump’s valued immigration adviser and strategist, Stephen Miller, has declared he wants to make his mark.
Not content to just capture migrant kids in cages, this man-god has announced he plans to capture hearts by winning the PEOPLE magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” competition.
“I am going to dethrone Idris Elba,” Miller told The Lint Screen. “He is not even an American, but I am! I’m tired of immigrants taking our jobs.” Miller spat on the ground and opened his “Macho Man” leather pouch, took a plug of moist tobacco, and slugged it into his gaping gob. He closed his eyes as he savored the flavor and continued.
“Look, I’m a hell of a lot sexier than Idris Elba, Blake Shelton, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, David Beckham, Chris Hemsworth, Adam Levine, or Channing Tatum,” Miller said batting his eyelashes seductively. “Those guys have all won in past years, but not this time. It’s my year to win the throne.”
Miller considers himself a lock for the 2019 dreamy hunk crown.
“I have excellent personal hygiene–– I wash my hair every Sunday, brush my teeth on even numbered days, and splash my face with Old Spice with a rinse of Brut 33,” the sweet-smelling Adonis said. “Women find me absolutely irresistible. I mean, a lot of them don’t even scream when I approach them. I’m kind of a babe magnet, you know.”
Miller does not think getting his handsome mug on the cover of PEOPLE magazine will change his life very much.
“If Fox and Friends does a story about me winning, then the boss will probably see it,” Miller said. “And it’s always a good idea to stay on his good side. Hey, and who knows–– maybe Ivanka will notice me and leave that dolt Jared for some quality Miller time. Yeah, babe! Wouldn’t that be sweet?”
Yes, Stephen, it sure would! Good luck, you rakish scamp, our fingers are crossed.
Attorney General William Barr is no Jeff “I’m A
Yesterday the pudgy A.G. sat before a Congressional subcommittee and promised it that he would give them “a very special Mueller Report, one you’re going to love.”
Barr said the full Mueller report “is a total bore–– it’s 400 pages of a guy trying to find a plot. There’s no hook, no narrative, the stakes are low. It’s like paper Ambien.” The head lawman said he gave “an excellent Cliff Notes version in just four-pages” after he “waded through” Mueller’s full report.
“Look, I’m not bragging,” Barr told the subcommittee, “but it only took me a couple of days to condense what it took Mueller 22-months to write. That guy needs an editor!”
According to Barr’s summation, the headlines from the Mueller report are simple –– THERE WAS NO COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA AND TOTAL EXONERATION FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP ON OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE CHARGES!
Rep. Nita Lowey (D-NY) pressed Barr on when Congress would see the full 400-page Mueller report.
“Half past never,” Barr said. “But I am preparing a version of the full report with color-coded redactions and playful emojis. This is in the interest of full transparency. And guess what, you empty suits? We’ll be doing the same thing for Trump’s tax returns.”
Barr then laughed maniacally, tossed over the table he was sitting at and stormed out of the Congressional chamber punching spectators along the way.
“Suck it, losers! We won! Trump 2020, bitches!” he shouted over his shoulder to the Congressional committee members as he exited the room.
And there was much wailing and the gnashing of teeth from subcommittee members.
You’ve got to give the Democratic Party credit, they are an organization of hard workers. And the Dems are working overtime conjuring ways to blow the 2020 presidential election.
“It’s in our nature,” William Tolbert, Democratic strategist told The Lint Screen. “We love to figure out ways to extract defeat from the jaws of victory. It’s a gift, really.”
And for the upcoming presidential election, Tolbert thinks the Democrats are more imaginative and industrious than ever in formulating a losing strategy.
“We’re running against a self-confessed ‘pussy grabber’ who has paid off porn stars and had more affairs than a Staten Island caterer. So what do we do? We kill Al Franken for the joke of pretending to cup the breasts of a sleeping woman. There is no humor in politics! And now, we’re attacking Joe Biden for being Joe Biden, mister touchy-feely who sometimes likes to rub noses. It’s brilliant, really–– let’s kill our own before they’re even out of the gate. And whoever is left standing, we’ll sharpen our knives for them and slice ’em to ribbons.”
But Tolbert says the liberal imagination doesn’t stop there.
“We’re also the party of endless desserts. You want national healthcare, free college, guaranteed income for life, a free car, and safe spaces against microaggressions every ten feet? No problem, you got it. How will we pay for it?” Tolbert shrugs. “Don’t worry. We’ll get in the weeds with some complicated wonkiness and bore voters to death.”
“Republicans take the easy way out with simple messaging like lower taxes and more jobs. La dee freakin’ da!”
Tolbert thinks the secret sauce of a losing Democratic Party plan is playing only to the coastal elites.
“We just need to concentrate on the coasts,” the political brainiac said. “Forget the fly-over states. Play to where the media is–– New York, L.A., San Francisco. That’s where the power is, not in some midwest yokel’s kitchen.”
Tolbert is confident the Dems can lose in 2020.
“Trump is without a doubt the worst president in American history,” Tolbert said. “He is a con man who thrives on divisiveness and chaos. But he has his forty percent base of true Trumpers and they stick with him no matter what. Forty percent is not a majority, so he should be easy to beat. But just to be on the safe side, I have the nuclear option,” Tolbert said with a smug smile.
“I’ve got Chelsea Clinton waiting in the wings ready to go. America can never have too much of the ol’ Clinton magic.””
Robert Mueller has finally ended his charade of a witch hunt. He has declared President Trump innocent of Russian collusion and obstruction of justice. And now the administration is taking corrective action to ensure this never happens again.
“The president wants to send a message,” Sarah Sanders told The Lint Screen. “All those who spoke against the president will pay for their treasonous claims against our leader! This is the only way to unite the country.”
Sanders claims the Mueller report not only exonerates the president of any wrongdoing, but she also says what’s between the lines of Attorney General Barr’s memo is really important.
“Obviously, Mueller thinks Donald J. Trump is our greatest president ever. A true patriot who loves his country, God the Father, Baby Jesus, Adolescent Jesus, Adult Jesus, and The Holy Ghost. He is a loyal and loving husband. An honorable man who only speaks the truth,” Sanders said with tear-filled peepers. She collected herself and continued.
“Mueller probably also wants the president to extract his special brand of justice against naysayers and the very bad traitors to our country. And that is exactly what President Trump will do. It’s clear the only way to guarantee a free press is to squash those who are not on Team Trump.“
So the military is deploying troops to apprehend treasonous America-haters. These include Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Rachel Maddow, Jerrold Nadler, Joe Scarborough, John Brennan, Mika Brzezinski, Chuck Schumer, Chris Matthews, Chris Hayes, and 1,288 other enemies of the state. They will be executed by firing squads, or “INSTANT JUSTICE ENFORCERS” as they have been termed by The White House.
“These traitors to America can expect no mercy,” Sanders said, thumping her right fist into her left palm. “It’s like the Bible says, ‘an eye for an eye and turn the other cheek so I might slash it with a razor and watch you bleed out like the evil swine you are–– for vengeance is mine, punk bitch, sayeth the Lord.’”
Again, the press secretary got misty-eyed. “I love the Good Book. It’s like an instruction manual for doling out punishment.”