Nunes recently launched a $250,350,000 defamation of character lawsuit against two Twitter accounts he says are fake. One allegedly from his mommy, and one from a bovine pal.
“These accounts say nasty things about me,” Nunes said. “They damage my sterling reputation and I want to be compensated for my hurt feelings.”
But the brave man was just getting warmed up.
Today Nunes filed a $100 trillion lawsuit against God.
“The Almighty has done many great things like creating air, sheep with soft, fluffy haunches, and sending us Donald Trump to protect Israel and our democracy,” a confidant Nunes told The Lint Screen. “But, God has done me wrong. Yes, He made heaven and earth, but He also made the awful people who mock me on Twitter and He didn’t stop them. It’s His fault, all His fault, and this time I am going to make Him pay!”
Nunes believes God must be held accountable.
“God sits in judgment of all of us, so why shouldn’t the Supreme Court sit in judgment of Him? If my lawsuit goes to the highest court in the land, I predict a 5-4 ruling in my favor. I like my odds,” Nunes said with a slight smile. “I will win, God.”
“By the way, I am not a snowflake,” he added as he choked back tears. “I am definitely not a snowflake.”
Something is wrong in America when a justice warrior and truth teller like Judge Jeanine Pirro is benched by her network for speaking her mind about headwear fashion.
Fox News, long regarded as America’s bastion of quality journalism and news integrity recently yanked Judge Jeanine’s popular show in response to remarks the fiery beauty made concerning controversial Muslim Democratic congresswoman Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.).
But is that really what happened?
Or, did liberal moneybags and muckraker George Soros bribe the Fox News brass to get his way and have the good Judge sidelined to keep her yap shut? That’s just the kind of un-American behavior Soros loves to bankroll.
The Lint Screen has learned the evil Soros plot may have merit. We cannot disprove it!
But we’ve also learned of another theory–– that the JJ hit job was performed by the ghost of traitorous Sen. John McCain! This theory is that McCain spooked Fox into doing his bidding as a way to harass Donald J. Trump from beyond the grave. When he was alive, McCain resented the fact our brave president dealt with painful bone spurs while he was lollygagging and sashaying about in the Hanoi Hilton (thanks to his being captured–– the easy way out of fighting war).
Either theory could be absolutely true. Fortunately, Judge Jeanine has a big fan in her corner–– the president himself! He Tweeted over the weekend from his Mensa meeting that she should stay strong and fight.
And we are certain she will! You can’t keep a good woman down, especially one with very white teeth.
“The Kush” is as angry as a headless rabbit in a fabric store.
Jared Kushner is a self-made man who never got a break. He worked his way up from poverty and obscurity, much like President Trump, and forged his way into the inner circle of global power brokers. But the humble pulled-himself-up-by-the-ol‘-bootstraps man is agitated by Democrats who he claims “are hell-bent on the destruction of America and the world!”
“I am charged with brokering peace in the Middle East,” the boyish scamp told reporters. “How am I expected to do my job if the Democrats keep hounding me and my pop-in-law?!“
Democrats have launched investigations into whether Mr. Kushner was qualified for high-level security clearance and if the lovable rascal could be a threat to our national security. After all, he’s BFF with MBS, the Saudi journalist slayer.
Kushner has been hard at work trying to settle the age-old dust-up between the Israelis and Palestinians.
“I’m so close to a peace plan I can taste it,” the cute rapscallion said as he licked his lips and rubbed his tummy tum-tum.
But the dreamy wunderkind also has other fish to fry.
The president has charged him with solving the opioid crisis in the U.S., diplomacy with Mexico and China, reforming care for veterans, reforming the criminal justice system, reinventing our government to run more like a business, sourcing less expensive resources for manufacturing MAGA hats and tiki torches, shoeing horses and stitching TRUMP saddlebags, soliciting acrobats for Mar-A-Lago functions, polishing ‘the big guy’s’ shoes, securing a seamless 5G network for the nation, modernizing the electrical grid with three-prong extension cords from Home Depot, replacing the railway system, removing the lids off tins of Bumble Bee Tuna, curing all known diseases, eliminating world hunger (see tuna duty above), denuclearizing North Korea and Iran, and keeping his wife, the super hot Ivanka, happy–– because “she’s daddy’s little angel.”
“I’ve got a few things on my plate, okay?” Kushner said, agitated. “It’s like the Democrats don’t want me to do my job. And they still continue with their witch hunt against my papa-in-law. Even after he has said many times, ‘no collusion with Russia.’ Look, if you can’t believe the president of the United States of America, who can you believe? President Trump loves America, and America loves him. But the Democrats–– they hate America!”
He batted his luxurious lashes and turned took his boyish good looks out the door as reporters swooned.
While Jordan was happy with the support his party showed the president during the hearing, he believes the GOP needs to do a lot more.
“I think we need to change our brand name from Republican to Trumpian. Forget the party of Lincoln, that’s yesterday. Today we’re Trump and we’re proud! Republican is old–– Grand Old Party. Ditch it! The party name of ‘Trumpian’ is new. It’s fresh, exciting, and sexy–– just like our president! Let’s celebrate the gift God gave us. That’s the Trumpian way, I say!”
Jordan got a dreamy look in his eyes, took his pen and wrote JJ + DT on a pad and circled the letters with a heart. The Buckeye representative took a deep breath and continued.
“Think about it, Trump is the greatest brand name in the universe, and the GOP should own it. I discussed my idea with the president and he assured me he would support our name change. He also said he would only charge the party $5 billion annually for the usage of his name,” Jordan smiled. “That’s nothing! We can pay for it out of the federal budget–– take it out of Social Security. It’s a drop in the bucket!”
Jordan believes anyone who does not show support for the president should be put in detention camps and tortured. Ditto for journalists who write disparaging things about the president.
“Our president loves freedom and if you don’t love Trump you don’t deserve freedom. That’s what our forefathers would want! That’s the American way under Trumpian leadership.”
Chet Beaburn claims “to know a thing or two about a thing or two”
As liberal snowflakes melt in hysteria with raging paranoia about the dangers of climate change, President Trump decided to calm their fears by appointing a reknowned expert to head a government study on the subject.
“I’ve always said climate change is a Chinese hoax,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “now we’ll see if an independent expert agrees. I’ve known Chet Beaburn a long time. He used to work on one of my golf courses so he is very familiar with the outdoors. He’s a good man. A tremendous thinker. He’s not some snobby scientist putting on airs. Chet has common sense and that’s all you need to see climate change is a Chinese hoax designed to frighten us.”
“The president is absolutely right,” Chet Beaburn a self-described “science enthusiast” echoed. “There is no such thing as climate change. There have been snowstorms all winter! That proves it!”
When presented with statistics showing average temperatures have been steadily rising over the last 50-years, Beaburn was dismissive.
“Don’t look at graphs, look out the window! It snowed in Minnesota yesterday for the love of God, that proves there’s no climate change!”
When asked about melting icebergs and rising water levels, Beaburn was not impressed.
“Ice melts,” Beaburn said. “Haven’t you ever gotten a Coca-Cola from McDonald’s? And of course, melting ice makes water levels rise.”
“Really, mister president?” Beaburn asked. “That explains it all then. See that? There’s nothing to worry about!”
Beaburn also believes the Earth is flat. “Hells bells,” he said pointing at the horizon, “I don’t see no round Earth–– it’s flat as a pancake.”
When asked about photographs from outer space clearly depicting the Earth as a blue marble in our galaxy, Beaburn was again not buying it.
“Man never went to the moon let alone walked on it.”
“Many people say the moon is made of cheese,” our president said.
“I’ve heard that, too, mister president,” Beaburn said. “Landing on the moon was staged in a TV studio in Nevada. LBJ had the whole megillah staged to hoodwink Americans into thinking we landed on the moon and walked around a spell. LBJ did this because JFK said we were going to go to the moon but then he went and got himself assassinated by Frank Sinatra because the horny Irishman had bedded Frank’s daughter Nancy. Any idiot knows that!”
“So that’s what happened,” President Trump said. “I think Chet will do a great job for America. He has a very big brain and he’ll prove climate change is fake news.”
“I’ll do my best, sir,” Beaburn said, as he spontaneously combusted into flames and ran screaming out the door.
While President Donald J. Trump battles fake news, dozens of books airing his dirty laundry, and unfounded witch hunts, some Americans have become treasonous traitors and doubt the integrity of our leader–– but that’s not the case for Russians.
In Russia, Trump has achieved record popularity for an American president. Last week, his popularity was 97%. This week it is 100% (with a slight decline in population amoung those polled).
“Our people love your President Trump,” said Russian diplomat Arkady Afonika. “We believe he is doing a wonderful job in making America great again!”
The Russian people normally do not cotton much to American presidents.
Afonika feels sorry for America’s leader. “It is outrageous that some people do not trust Donald Trump. He is a man known worldwide as a speaker of truth. His word is his bond and his bond is unbreakable. I believe anyone who questions him should be put in a camp until they pledge their undying allegiance to him.”
Coincidentally, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway said the president is considering Arkady Afonika for a cabinet position.
“The president thinks he needs more diversity in his White House and he believes comrade Afonika would do a tremendous job for the Amerca,” she told The Lint Screen.
