South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham is a devout Christian.
“I was raised right,” the sweet talking Graham told The Lint Screen. “I know who to love, and I know who to hate. The good guys have wings, and the bad ones have pitchforks. The only thing that will stop them is a good guy with a gun.”
Graham believes in the promise of the Lord Jesus Christ returning to Earth to save the righteous and cast the sinners to eternal lakes of fire. And he believes that Donald J. Trump is the embodiment of the promised salvation.
Graham believes in the eternal purity and sanctity of Trump.
“Never has there been such a righteous man,” the senator said. “He has pure morals, a sacred core. He is the personification of love and acceptance. He is kind, generous, and forgiving. Donald J. Trump is truly our salvation. He is here to save us! Praise be Trump!”
The ruggedly handsome macho man began to get teary eyed. With trembling lips, he spoke quietly.
“I don’t know how to love him. What to do, how to move him. I’ve been changed, yes, really changed. In these past few days when I’ve seen myself I seem like someone else. I don’t know how to take this; I don’t see why he moves me. He’s a man he’s just a man, and I’ve had so many men before, in very many ways he’s just one more,”
Graham collapsed to the floor sobbing, a puddle of his tears widened.
South Carolina has entered the abortion law fanfare spreading across America. Today state lawmakers passed what many believe is the country’s most restrictive abortion law.
“We aren’t about to watch Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, and Ohio get all the limelight,” said state representative Tommy White. “We want to control the bodies of our baby carriers the best!”
White has written “The Protect Innocent Babies From Their Killer Mothers” Bill, and it was overwhelmingly approved by South Carolina legislators. The governor is expected to sign the bill tomorrow.
The law allows the state to imprison a woman once she is impregnated and contemplates abortion.
White said, “any woman who thinks about abortion is a pre-meditated murderer and belongs behind bars. These pregnant girls are carrying some man’s precious seed, and they can’t be killing the children we sire. No siree!”
Once behind bars, the women will be cared for until they give birth. This includes women who become pregnant as a result of incest or rape.
“God must have meant that girl to get pregnant for a reason, and she must carry the rapist’s child to birth. Rapists have rights, too, you know. And if a woman gets pregnant from an act of incest, maybe she should have dressed more conservatively around the house. And besides, that incest baby’s obviously coming from an act of love. It’d be criminal to hurt the child.”
Opponents to the bill say White is “a misogynist pig”.
“That’s poppycock,” the Travelers Rest native said. “We must love and respect women, even though Eve talked Adam into eating that apple and got us booted out of the Garden of Eden. We’ve been paying the price for her big mouth ever since,”
White thinks women have a higher purpose. “Women are baby containers,” White said. “We can’t just abandon them. But once the baby is born, all bets are off. She served her purpose.”
After she delivers the baby, “she can choose to be a helpful mother or be discarded by society.”
When asked if the state would take care of the infant, White bristled. “Absolutely not. We aren’t about to be a welfare state. The little tyke needs to learn early on to pull its own self up by the baby booties-straps. This ain’t no socialist state!”
The president has a secret weapon in the China trade war.
President Donald J. Trump is a student of history. He has been studying famous battles and warfare and has decided what the United States of America needs isn’t nuclear bombs, aircraft carriers, fighter jets, or stealth bombers.
No.
What we need are dragons!
“I think dragons can be game changers for us,” the prez told The Lint Screen in an exclusive phone interview. “Most people don’t know this but dragons breathe fire. Not only that, but they can also fly! They’re actually flying flame throwers––and that’s a deadly combination. Dragons will be a tremendous weapon for us!”
The president has charged the Pentagon with securing at least a thousand dragons.
“I want a dragon force second to none,” the commander-in-chief said. “If we have a first-rate dragon crew, we can rule the world.”
Trump believes the dragons will also be crucial in some of his current foreign policy negotiations.
“Give me dragons, and watch Iran fall in line,” the big man said. “Dragons will also give me in an edge in my trade war with China, and in my nuclear talks with my buddy the Kimster. When fire talks, people listen.”
President Trump sniffed repeatedly and continued. “I can also use dragons to keep crooked Hillary, the looney libs, and Mueller and his witch hunters in check. They’re very unfair to me and my family.”
Asked if he got the idea of using dragons from watching Game of Thrones on Sunday night, the president looked miffed.
“Game of what?” he said with a quizzical stare. “I never heard of Game of Drones. Listen, I don’t want more drones, I need dragons! Get me my dragons! I can rule the world and the seven kingdoms.”
Melting ice caps are like “opening a Christmas present,” says Pompeo
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo sees great opportunities thanks to the alleged climate change crisis.
“I agree with the president,” Pompeo told The Lint Screen. “There’s no such thing as climate change–– it’s a Chinese hoax! Like evolution or gravity. But, luckily, the ice caps are melting which is like slowly opening a Christmas present because we have a lot more opportunity for grabbing oil and mineral rights.”
For a non-scientist, Pompeo knows his stuff: the polar ice caps have melted 95 percent in the past three decades.
“But the melting is not the result of man or pollution,” Pompeo said. “How the heck can we control nature? Obviously, the melting is the handiwork of God.”
Pompeo looked to heaven as he put his hands in praying mode. “God giveth and God taketh away. In this case, He’s taking away the ice to give us more land! He wants us to have more oil and gas and minerals. Who are we to argue with God’s will?”
Pompeo also sees opportunities in water sports.
“When ice melts, it makes water,” the Secretary of State proclaimed. “And more water means more chances to take the boat out and maybe water ski. We should also get a lot more beachfront property. This will be huge for the real estate market.”
Asked about the dangers the melting caps presented for arctic wildlife, Pompeo shrugged his shoulders.
“Nature’s cruel. Take it up with God. And if polar bears don’t make it, so what? Maybe they shouldn’t have been drinking so much Coke.”
He was asked if he thought any one man was above the law. Barr replied, “Absolutely not, unless his name is Donald Trump and I am the law. Then, all bets are off, baby!”
Barr smiled rakishly then delivered his topper–– “I’m like a limbo dance contest–– a Barr that tests how low you can go!”
When asked if he thought Donald J. Trump tried to obstruct justice, Barr quipped, “Oh, no. I mean, no more than swallowing a couple bags of Quikrete might obstruct your colon a bit.”
“Oh, behave yourself, sir,” Sen. Graham swooned.
Barr was grilled if he thought it was fair to distill Muller’s 448-page report into his four-page summary.
“Hey,” Barr said, “I tried to get it on a fortune cookie fortune, but I guess I got verbose!” He then winked into the camera and blew a kiss.
The A.G. was asked which he felt was more important: working for the American people by upholding the Constitution or protecting President Trump?
“Well, the toilet paper at Mar-a-Lago is a helluva a lot softer than the Constitution… so I guess I gotta go with protecting Trump!“
The men who love America so much they protect it from pure EVIL!
In an age of skepticism and cynicism, it’s good to know levelheaded patriots like President Donald J. Trump and crackerjack journalist Sean Hannity are protecting our God-given country.
Thursday night, the president called into the incredibly popular Hannity truthful news show on Fox News. And what they discussed should frighten every American. The Lint Screen proudly brings you a transcript of their conversation.
DT: They tried to have a coup, Sean. They wanted to overturn democracy and our way of life, but they failed. Boy, did they fail! Failed like a dog.
DT: Everyone loves it, Sean. When I coined the phrase ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’, it caught on like wildfire. No one had ever seen anything like it. Just like when I termed the phrase ‘internet.’ People had been calling it the world wide web and I said, “too long, just call it the internet.”
SH: And now I hear everyone using the term ‘internet’. It’s really caught on.
DT: These nutty Democrats all have Trump Derangement Syndrome. It’s a real medical condition. People are going to the Mayo Clinic for treatment. They get lobotomies. Many, many lobotomies have been given. Sad.
DT: Right. Beat them like a dog. They’re sore losers. Incredibly sore. They were so mad they got Bob Mueller to start a witch hunt against me. Mueller, who everyone knows is a looney liberal leftist, he and a gang of crooked Democrats spend over three hundred million dollars and take ten years looking into the election trying to find dirt on me. Very unfair.
SH: But Mueller cleared you of everything, didn’t he? Attorney General Barr said so.
DT: That’s right. Barr is a very good man. Smart. Reads lots of books. Barr read the Mueller report, I didn’t. He said not only did the report completely clear me of any crimes–– absolutely no conspiracy and no collusion–– but the report also said Trump is the greatest president in American history. Everyone is saying that.
SH: Amazing. Mueller and his goon squad were supposed to smear you but they end up cheering you.
DT: What else could they do? The truth is the truth. I’m doing a tremendous job. No one can believe the great job I’m doing. America has never been more prosperous or more popular.
SH: But that wasn’t the case when you took over.
DT: Not at all. Obama had driven the country into a Depression. People were eating their children to survive. I heard many people were serving their beautiful babies on platters with an apple in their mouth. Horrible.
SH: Carving their own children like a turkey on Thanksgiving.
DT: Very sad, Sean. And rats were everywhere, chewing on people’s flesh and spreading bubonic plague. Over ten billion Americans died thanks to Obama.
SH: What a tragedy.
DT: People got addicted to opioids just to survive. Businesses were closing. Muslims were flooding into America and saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. It was a catastrophe, an absolute disaster under Obama.
SH: I remember. People were committing suicide just to get through the day.
DT: It was awful. So the people elected Trump. No one thought I could win.
DT: Yes, Sean. That was the start of the collusion delusion. I coined that term, too.
SH: I love it.
DT: Everyone does. I’m the best maker of catchy words, everyone says it. But the fake news was out to get me. I made up ‘fake news’ too.
SH: Brilliant, Mr. President.
DT: The sad fact is, if people don’t watch Fox News, they don’t know what’s really going on.
SH: We only report the facts. One hundred percent. We get to the bottom of the truth and let smart people decide.
DT: It’s awful what’s going on. They are going after very good people, guys like General Flynn, Manafort, Roger Stone. Patriots, honorable people helping their country. The deep state, the whole thing, it’s just horrible what they’re doing.
SH: They should be in jail.
DT: They will. You know, Sean, a lot of people are saying Hillary is actually an alien.
SH: Really? An alien?!
DT: Believe me. An alien from another planet. She’s hellbent on destroying humanity and Earth.
SH: That explains Benghazi. And killing Vince Foster. And Pizzagate.
DT: And her server sending top-secret emails into outer space.
SH: Do you think she could be planning a world invasion?
DT: I don’t see why she wouldn’t be. Many people think she wants all good people to die. Especially Christians. That’s why the Democrats want to take all our guns.
SH: So we can’t protect ourselves from the aliens?
DT: Exactly. And remember this, Sean, aliens have ray guns. Very powerful guns. They can vaporize people instantly.
