The editorial staff of The Lint Screen invites distinguished guests to write on timely issues and present their solutions. Today, we hear from Fox News megastar Sean Hannity.

It seems a lot of whiners and crybabies are upset by a couple of recent mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton. These unhinged people got their panties in a knot because they say we don’t have restrictive gun laws. They seem to think guns are a problem in America.

Obviously, these looney liberals are the takers and not the makers. They have no respect for the Second Amendment which our forefathers put in the Declaration of Independence because they wanted Americans to have bump stocks and AK-47s.

Our forefathers knew America was going to be a dangerous place in the future and they wanted every citizen to be able to protect himself and his family from getting raped and murdered by vermin invading our country.

God help us all when the caravan finally arrives!

So what should we do?

First off, we need to keep the right to bear arms strong. In fact, I suggest we loosen the restrictive laws against hand grenades, bazookas, and anti-air missiles. When things go south, you’re going to want as much firepower as possible. Trust me.

Then we need to protect our society from the invaders hellbent on our destruction.

I suggest we have ex-military personnel and cops donate a couple of hours to stand guard at all schools, churches, restaurants, and malls. They would be heavily armed to show we mean business. We can also use some ICE agents and Homeland Security forces for back-up.

But, we also need to teach our children to protect themselves.

I keep hearing liberals bellyaching about the need for early start education. You know, Pre-K and all that crap. Let me tell you, all that book learnin’ won’t do them a helluva lot of good when they’re looking at the business end of an AK-47!

Instead of wasting our taxpayer money on frivolous things like education, let’s spend it on firearms training and marksmanship classes. Something they can actually use.

Every American child should be issued a weapon. Something for their small hands, but also a gun they can grow with. Like maybe a Glock 19 Gen 5. You can’t go wrong with that baby.

For the teachers, we need something with a bit more kick. After all, they are protecting our most precious asset. I think a basic AR-10 would be a good choice. Teachers can trick it out however they like to personalize their weapon.

So, we have armed cops and federal officials protecting the schools. We have armed children and armed teachers. That’s a lot of good guys with a lot of guns.

I dare a bad guy with a gun to show up for that fight!

Look, mass shootings are a bummer. I get it. But we can’t throw away our freedoms in a hissy fit to appease socialist liberals.

Trust President Trump, Mitch McConnell, white nationalists, the GOP, and the NRA to do what’s best for America. They love our country and want to protect it from bad people.

Having more guns is the only sensible solution to mass shootings.

Because when we all protect ourselves, we make America even stronger.

And write your congressman about doing something to battle video games–– they’re the real cause of mass shootings!

Hannity, out…

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President Trump continues to unite America better than any leader in U.S. history.

Following two horrific mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton, our fearless leader jumped on Air Force One with his beautiful and very sexy bride Melania. He brought his big heart to console the survivors.

“The state and city officials were begging the president to come,” Stephen Miller, senior adviser, and Trump favorite said. “The populations of El Paso and Dayton welcomed the president with enthusiasm. They needed his presence to help them heal.”

The president and first lady went to Del Sol medical center in El Paso and posed for a photo with two-month-old Paul Anchondo. The child’s parents were slaughtered in the shooting.

“This picture will be a keepsake for that orphan,” Miller said. “Not many people have a pic with both the president and first lady.”

Miller said the president was upset at the coverage he received for his trips to El Paso and Dayton.

“The fake news media has Trump delusional syndrome,” Miller said. “They have no appreciation for how great a job he’s doing. He supports second amendment rights and has been very vocal about opposing mass shootings. The president believes the problem is video games. That causes white men to snap and grab their artillery. They think it’s a game. Science proves it.”

Miller seemed agitated as if he was explaining a known truth. He took a deep breath and continued.

“President Trump also hates the media for its continual villainizing of white supremacists. These people are American citizens, and he thinks all U.S. citizens should be loved and accepted for who they are.”

Miller believes the president’s trip was a huge success.

“We got a lot of terrific photos we can use in the Trump 2020 campaign, and I think people feel much better about his visiting and being really sad about the shootings. That’s what presidents do, and he was very presidential!”

Miller then vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving behind the stench of sulfur and rotten cabbage.

Acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney popped into The Lint Screen offices as he continued his ongoing defense of President Trump against charges of racism.

“Look, I know a lot of people are in a lather over the president’s recent Twitter rampage against Elijah Cummings and the city of Baltimore,” Mulvaney said in sincere tones. “But that’s hogwash. There is not a racist bone in the president’s body. He has a black friend, for crying out loud!”

The pasty-faced pol continued. “The president invited Kanye West, a famous black dude who does the so-called ‘rap music’ into the White House–– which, by the way, the president did not name! It was called the White House before he got there. The president loves black people. He loves their food and music. Cripes, sometimes he’ll even eat his KFC while listening to Motown music. So you tell me, how could he possibly be racist?”

Mulvaney got red in the face.

“This is all a plot of the radical UnAmerican dark-skinned Squad against President Trump. They want to destroy America and they see him as the great white hope in making America great again. Naturally, they want to paint him as a racist. But it’s wrong and it’s hateful. Those little ladies and Elijah Cummings, Al Sharpton, and a whole bunch of other black people, they’re the racists! The president and his family love all people. That’s why they came to Washington!”

Mulvaney began to get teary-eyed.

“It’s obviously a radical conspiracy against a great man. A great patriot. President Trump was put here by God and he is trying to unite America. The president has the complete support and backing of the entire GOP, and they love America more than Democrats. And our election system is completely safe, Russia did not interfere in the 2016 election. He won fair and square. And exploding deficits are not a problem. The president knows how to run a successful business. He has a proven track record. So let’s just keep everything the way it is. Trust in Trump and Fox News, not fake news.”

As the lickspittle was leaving he stopped to make a closing statement.

“Oh, and next week will be infrastructure week. Really! No, seriously. This time it’s for real.”

God obviously really loves America–– why else would He bless us with an honest, caring man who wants to spread the truth and set the record straight?

President Donald J. Trump stopped by The Lint Screen world headquarters and gave us the skinny on what Bob Mueller said in his recent congressional testimony.

“Mealymouth Mueller, that’s what I call him, Mealymouth, was a complete disaster. Mueller admitted he wasted taxpayer money with his one hundred percent fake witch hunt. He said he spent over one trillion dollars and bought cocaine and hookers, many of them underage I heard, and had big parties and burned stacks of cash. But ultimately, after over two and a half years, Mealymouth had to admit he and his team of angry, evil Democrats couldn’t find anything wrong.

The sad old guy had to admit the Trump team played by the rules. Mealymouth totally exonerated Trump. He said no collusion. No obstruction. Absolutely none. No wonder Trump has a 99% approval rating, the highest anyone has ever seen. Incredible support for Trump.

Mealymouth Mueller also said there was no Russian interference in the 2016 election. And he predicted there wouldn’t be any interference in the 2020 election. Absolutely none. He said we had his word on that. Why would Russia want to interfere? They have their own elections. Fake news.

Mealymouth said our election system is completely safe. One hundred percent, completely safe. Like a vault. Don’t worry, he said. It’s all good.

The real problem with the 2016 election was that the election was totally rigged. Mealymouth said Trump actually won the popular vote by over thirty million votes. But crooked Hillary had all these illegals voting for her. And Obama gave them all Obamacare and put them on welfare to thank them. They wasted a lot of American tax dollars trying to steal the election.

It was awful. Very unfair. Very bad. The Democrats also used fake photographs to try and show Trump didn’t have the largest inaugural crowd ever.

Fake, fake news.

He also went on the record to say that Trump is without a doubt the greatest president in American history. Much braver than George Washington when he protected the airports from the invading red coats.

Ol’ Mealymouth said Trump has unified the country better than Abe Lincoln did. Lincoln is probably the most overrated president in history. And he was assassinated–– a lot of people don’t know that. But he was. Look it up.

And he said the four radical members of the so-called looney lib squad should go back to the shithole countries they came from. They hate our country. Go home, for the good of America!

Mueller confessed under oath–– swearing to God, a very good man, God, some say maybe the greatest–– that Ivanka, Jared, and the entire Trump team is doing a fantastic job bringing peace to the world, eliminating government waste by draining the swamp, making our military strong again–– very weak under Obama–– exposing climate change as a hoax, and exposing the treasonous Democrats for the traitors they are.

He said if Americans don’t want to fall for fake news, they should only listen to Trump, Hannity, and the Fox News team.

Oh, and he also said the Saudis had nothing to do with the death of Jamal Khashoggi. The ol’ FBI guy called it a righteous kill. A righteous kill.

The bottom line is Mealymouth Mueller’s testimony backfired on the Democrats. A total embarrassment. Complete vindication of Trump.

I always say the truth will always win out, and I think this time it did.

Case closed. Trump is innocent. The witch hunt is over. Trump is the best, everyone says so.”

Once again, the fake news media is trying to paint our president as a racist.

President Donald J. Trump spoke to a packed house Wednesday night in Greenville, North Carolina. He mentioned Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.), and the mob began violently chanting “Send her back!” The leader of the free world lept into action.

“Look, I may not agree with Omar,” he told The Lint Screen, “but this is the US of A and we believe in freedom of speech.”

The president said he immediately asked the crowd not to chant.

“I told them, she is entitled to her opinion. But, they just kept on chanting.”

Frustrated by what he saw as unfair play, Donald Trump decided he had to take extreme measures.

“I felt like the crowd was being a bully. They were very unfair to Rep. Omar, and I told them, I said, if you don’t stop it, I’ll deliver a beat-down. That got their attention. I finally calmed the crazy crowd down. I restored order.”

Trump says he does everything he can to allow differing opinions to air. “I think the problem is all the hatred there is in North Carolina. Those people are nuts! Why can’t they just love everyone, like I do?”

The president took a deep breath and continued.

“Listen, I believe in diversity,” he said. “White, off-white, pasty-white, tanned, sun-burned–– it doesn’t matter to me or anyone in the GOP. Our party is all about inclusion. Believe me.”

We do, Mr. President. We do!

Georgia Sen. David Perdue called The Lint Screen offices today and clarified his previous remarks about President Trump’s recent Tweets about four progressive Congress members of color.

The Tweets were aimed at Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, and Ayanna Pressley and directed them to “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.”

Sen. Perdue spoke on the record to TLS.

“First off, there is nothing racist in what the president said. And, being a great grammarian, few people appreciate how he crafted his sentence so it didn’t end in a preposition––‘from which they came’ is a real classy way to speak gooder English. The president is clearly someone who knows his language. The language God gave us.”

“But these alleged racist Tweets are another brouhaha stirred up by the fake news media. President Trump is the least racist person I know. Just look at the facts.”

“He has that nice black fellow named Ben Carson in his cabinet. That funky dude is very well-spoken, and I think he’s even a doctor! The president has told me some of his best friends are colored, and I know for a fact he loves Motown music.”

“President Trump also has an Oriental woman in his cabinet––Elaine Chao. She seems very nice, and her husband Mitch O’Connell says she is very obedient like those people always are.”

“And let’s not forget Alex Acosta who recently was forced out by the liberals over some bogus progressive stink. I believe Alex was some flavor of Mexican or another Spanish-speaking country. Plus, everyone knows the president loves Taco Bell! And some of that food is really spicy. Too spicy for this hombre!”

“President Trump even has a lot of women running things in Washington. He doesn’t just want the girls cooped-up in the kitchen all day–– no, sir! He thinks women can do a lot of men’s work, so he gives them positions of power. He also gives them time off if they need to go to the beauty parlor, have lady problems, or run errands. He is a very generous man.”

“Look, it’s preposterous and outrageous to say our president is a racist, not when he clearly demonstrates through his actions that he loves people of all colors and sexes. I believe there’s not a racist bone in President Trump’s body.”

“Maybe those four liberal loudmouths should take President Trump’s excellent advice and skedaddle back to their homelands. We’ve got work to do here making this country great again!”

Sen. Perdue closed by saying, “Listen, anyone who doesn’t love our president a hundred percent obviously don’t love our country. And as far as I’m concerned, you can move back to your shithole country.”